091621



Jay Wendling – Celebration of Life

From Boni Wendling: There will be a Celebration of Life for Jay at the POA on October 2nd from 1:00 – 4:00 PM. John Nguyen will be catering his usual delicious appetizers and lunch. I hope to see as many of Jay’s friends as possible from the Department he loved. Please share this invite with all you know and it would be so wonderful if everyone could share those old stories that were usually reserved for Bruni’s!

 

HERE’S WHAT’S HAPPENING IN MY TOWN
(Send news of anything in your town!)
And you guys that moved to Idaho, quit arguing over which is best, Idaho or Russet potatoes!

Calaveras County Sheriff’s Office


Calaveras County Sheriff’s Office Marijuana Team Recap

July 7th thru July 15th 2021 (View HERE)

 

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
“What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads…”

 

 












SHOW AND TELL

Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students … I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord.” She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!” Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an hour, “Oh, oh, oh!” Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. “My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my mother to lay down in bed like this.” Erica lies down with her back against the wall. “And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!”

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!

“Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past 10. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder – just in case another Erica comes along.

HERO DOGS OF 911

 



A group of male Dawson’s burrowing bees fights for the chance to mate with an outnumbered female. In their violent frenzy, they accidentally kill the object of their desire.

 



THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no
one’s seen before.

4. If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do
like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
14. You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until
you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

15. You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y’all is singular. All Y’all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages
for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Short stories that make us think twice about the daily happenings in our lives
as we deal with others!

1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I’m working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said,

“Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile.”
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2. Today, after my 72-hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I didn’t recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said, “On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center.”
——————————
3. Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died…
he licked the tears off my face.
——————————
4. Today at 7 AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work.

At 3 PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too.

A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job.

I start tomorrow.
——————————
5. Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother’s hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died.

She simply said, “I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often.”
——————————

6. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed…

I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.
——————————

7. Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, “Why?” She replied, “So you can help me save the planet.” I chuckled again and asked, “And why do you want to save the planet?”

“Because that’s where I keep all my stuff,” she said.
——————————

8. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter’s antics, I suddenly realized that…

I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.
——————————

9. Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said,

“I hope you feel better soon.”
——————————

10. Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, “Thinking of you today. If you need me, I’m a phone call away.”

It was from a high school friend I hadn’t seen in 10 years.
——————————

11. Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe He said he hadn’t eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating.

The first thing the man said was, “We can share it.”
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The best sermons are lived, not preached.
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I am glad I have ‘you’ to send these to.

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C’ya

L.Pyle#1621

NEVER FORGET!