June 28, 2018
The Farsider is an independent publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association’s Board of Directors or its membership.
RETIRED CAPT. RON UTZ
Born April 20, 1933
Appointed Sept. 1959
Retired June 1988
Died June 20, 2018
When Larry Otter heard from Don Ewing early last week than Ron Utz had passed away, the retired Capt. got in touch with us. That led to contact with Ron’s sister Pat, who lives at Copco Lake near Montague in Siskiyou County in Northern California, on the border with Oregon. We spoke with her at length about her brother.
She said that Ron broke his arm at his residence in Aromas in northern Monterey County about 2 1/2 months ago. Because Ron’s wife Wilma had serious health issues of her own, Ron’s injury resulted in a stay in a rehab facility that later led to admittance to a hospital where an inoperable tumor was found between a lung and his aorta. Pat and a friend drove down from Copco Lake and took the retired Capt. up to her place where Ron was placed under hospice care.
On Tuesday of last week Ron was transferred to a hospice house in Yreka. He passed away on the following day, June 20th.
In accordance with Ron’s wishes, there will will be no funeral or memorial service. An obituary, however, was prepared and appears below. Friends and former coworkers are invited to leave a comment using the link at the bottom.
Ronald Alfred “Ron” Utz
Siskiyou County native, Ronald Alfred “Ron” Utz, passed away at the Madrone Hospice House in Yreka on June 20, 2018. He was 85 years old.
Ron was born in Etna to Carl and Viva Utz on April 20, 1933. After graduating from Etna High School in 1951 Ron attended Oregon State College and majored in forestry. After completing two years, he left college and enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. During his 3 years in the service, Ron was sent to Korea for eleven months, and was discharged as a Sergeant in 1956. Ron entered the Police School at San Jose State, with a minor in Psychology. He met his wife, Wilma Sprinkle, at San Jose State, and the two were married in 1959. Three months later, Ron joined the San Jose Police Department.
Ron was promoted to Sergeant at SJPD, where he and his partner investigated upwards of 150 murders during a 36 month period. As a lieutenant, Ron spent time as the Commander of Homicide, Internal Affairs, Organized Crime, and Vice Units. He also completed three months of training and education at the FBI National Academy, Quantico, Virginia in 1974.
In 1978, Ron was promoted to Captain. The last five years on the department, he was assigned the responsibility of commanding the Operations and Support Services Division. In Records, he was responsible for the supervision of over 100 ladies.
Ron and Wilma spent several years living in apartments in San Jose, before buying their first home in Morgan Hill. They lived there for 3 years. Upon retirement in 1988, the couple moved to Monterey County.
Ron was preceded in death by his parents and a sister, Doris. He is survived by his wife of 59 years, Wilma; his sisters, Patricia Utz and Juel West; a brother, Jerome Utz; nieces and nephews: Linda Short, Sheryl Towne, Caroline Utz, Sandra Langley, Ron West, and Jerry West; and by several great-nieces and nephews, one great-great-niece; and also by his caregiver and dear friend, Patricia Grieb.
It was Ron’s request that no services are to be held. Girdner Funeral Chapel is assisting the family, and online condolences may be made at <www.girdnerfuneralchapel.com>.
Following is a sampling of the many comments and messages that we received via email and were posted on Facebook about Ron’s passing:
I worked for Ron in the Intel Unit, along with Ron Tannehill, Mike Miceli, Ron Bondi and Bob Hollars. He was truly a quality person. His own history was very interesting in that he was born and raised in a very small town in Northern California, that I’m sure 99 9/10% of the world has never heard of. Ron went on to join the U.S. Marines, then when his hitch was up, he enrolled in and graduated from the Police School at San Jose State. I believe that his good buddy and fellow Marine was Dalton Rolen. Ron will be truly missed. —David Byers
He was always a professional and good old-school cop. May he RIP. —Lynne Caro
Ron was a very great person. We were neighbors until he retired. Then he would still come back to Morgan Hill to shop and visit. RIP. —Jeff Dooley
I worked for Ron Utz in the Intelligence Unit for about seven years. His intellect, integrity and his personal style were all amazing. In “Police Work,” we have always heard the term, “Command Presence,” which few have possessed, and all in a position of authority strive to achieve. It came naturally and unforced for Ron. He was the strong, silent type, but when it was time to speak, he spoke with a clear mind and with decisive authority. I remember when Tannehill, Miceli, myself and others presented him with our explanation of reasons for the necessity (in our minds) to take action; he quietly listened to all of our evidence, and more often than not, responded with the affirmative response of “ABSOLUTELY.” He was one of many great leaders and peers of the SJPD who I had the “ABSOLUTE” pleasure to work with, or for. God Bless Ron Utz and his family. —Peter Guerin, #1259
Very sad day. A true professional and credit to the PD. —Tom Brewer
I learned a lot from this guy. He asked me and Beltran to do some new stuff, like decoys in the downtown, and told that if it went sideways, he would take the hit. I never wanted to put him in that spot. Rest in Peace, Boss. —Tim Skalland
Sad, sad news. Ron was truly “one of the great guys.” His sister might not have included info that Ron was provisionally promoted to Deputy Chief of BFO, then reverted back to Captain. Was, and would have been, an excellent permanent Deputy Chief. I followed him into IA in 1977. —Bob Moir
I am sorry to hear this. He was our neighbor when we lived in Aromas. —Jack Baxter
Some Vintage History here: I worked with Ron when we were the two Captains in the Bureau of Investigations (1980-83). Ron should have been made Deputy Chief, however; he failed the D/C Oral/Practical Exam because of a controversial (trick) question. Then on a second try Ron scored high on the exam, but Chief McNamara, did what many of us thought at the time was wrong; he passed over him for another candidate (rule of ten). Rest-In- Peace old Friend. —Ivan Comelli
I worked for the captain when he was commander of the Vice/Intel Unit and again with a grant for a robbery apprehension team. A great cop, leader and a gentleman. RIP Captain, you will be missed, but your legend will live on. —Nick Battaglia
One great SJPD officer. Always cool and calm. Was a pleasure to know him. —Bruce Fair
I worked for him when he was the Acting BFO DC. He was calm and decisive and never played the political games to quash competition or build a following. A true pro. —Phil Beltran
Another very good man gone. RIP, Sir. —Walt Robinson
Captain Ron Utz. An honorable man. An exceptional leader. One of SJPD’s best. You will be missed. You will be remembered. —Richard Arca
You can read more comments by clicking on THIS link that will take you to Ivan Comelli’s “Vintage San Jose Police” Facebook page.
On Monday, the SJPOA filed our complaint of official misconduct against IPA Zisser. The media clips for your review are below.
Upon being interviewed by the media and told of our complaint, IPA Zisser continued his pattern of not telling the truth. See yesterday’s LETTER to the Mayor and City Council that spells out Zisser’s latest difficulty in being truthful.
We will update you on the POA’s initial step in exposing why IPA Zisser should be removed. Thank you to the over 500 POA members who added their names to the first step in ensuring San Jose retains an IPA that puts the community and our department before their own personal ambitions.
Paul Kelly, President
MERCURY NEWS — San Jose officer union wants police auditor out over maligned report
KGO-7 — San Jose police officers want independent auditor removed
NBC BAY AREA — Union Petition Aimed at Getting Independent San Jose Police Auditor Fired
SAN JOSE INSIDE — San Jose Police Watchdog Aaron Zisser Denies Union’s Claims of Bias in Annual Oversight Report
KTVU-2 — SJPD officers call for removal of independent auditor
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
Man Gets $60K for Wrongful Arrest After Cop’s Testimony Thrown Out
Settlement reached over 2016 drug arrest where officer
had wife translate police dog threat against man living
n van, told partner to turn off his body-worn camera
By Tracey Kaplan and Robert Salonga
Bay Area News Group — June 26, 2018
SAN JOSE — Confronted with a suspect who spoke only Spanish, San Jose police officer Joshua Bates found a fellow cop who could translate remotely, then put his phone on speaker and had the male officer calmly convince the man to let him search his van.
Or so he said.
Even when the public defender pressed him in court for details about the identity of the translator — ultimately asking if it was true the person was a woman named Lilia — he testified repeatedly that he didn’t remember.
It was only after he was given her full name that he admitted the truth: “Oh, that’s my wife.”
Caught lying on the stand and in his police report about his wife’s role and several other critical details regarding the encounter in late 2016, Bates recently resigned from SJPD after three years on the force.
Saying he was “troubled” by the testimony, Superior Court Judge Eric Geffon threw out the drug case in October against former suspect Cosme Grijalva, after the prosecution dismissed the charges. The City Council on Tuesday agreed to settle a civil-rights lawsuit filed by attorney Jaime Leaños on Gijalva’s behalf for $59,900.
In a memo recommending the settlement, City Attorney Rick Doyle gave scant details about the case, noting mostly that officers conducted a warrantless search of Grijalva’s van that led to the dismissal.
Body-camera video recorded by Bates’ partner, Ian Hawkley, who is also named in the suit, shows Bates telling his wife over the phone: “So what you’re going to do is you’re going to tell this person that I know there is methamphetamine in the car — crystal, and you are going to tell him that I’m going to get a dog who’s going to come over and is going to sniff and tear their car apart.”
Asked Tuesday whether Bates could face perjury charges, the Santa Clara County District Attorney’s Office said it had not received a case for prosecutors to review.
But Leaños thinks it would be fitting.
“It was undisputed that the officer was not honest during his testimony,” he said. “Mr. Grijalva was very surprised when he discussed the police reports with the public defender, and saw what was in the reports and what he witnessed were two very different things.”
Police Chief Eddie Garcia said the department appreciates the gravity of the case.
“Those allegations are concerning,” Garcia said. “When allegations of distrust come up, we’ll deal with them.”
Bates initially did not activate his body camera. Department policy requires officers to turn on their cameras during enforcement actions, with few exceptions. Bates admitted under questioning by Public Defender Avi Singh he also tried to get his partner to turn off his camera during the encounter.
Even though Hawkley told him, “Yeah, I’m red. I’ve been red for a while,” referring to the camera being activated, Bates appeared to have forgotten there was a record of the incident until Singh dug it up and confronted him in court.
Leaños said what happened in this case when it comes to body cameras is of grave importance.
“This is why there should be control over the body cameras by somebody other than the officers,” he said. “If (Bates’) partner didn’t have body camera on, nobody would have believed Mr. Grijalva.”
Garcia said “activation of body-worn cameras is something we treat very seriously. I have zero tolerance for non-activation during enforcement stops, and officers’ discretion is extremely limited.”
There is evidence suggesting this might not have been a one-time instance for Bates. According to court documents filed by Singh, the week before Bates’ encounter with Grijalva, he and another officer stopped and arrested a bicyclist on suspicion of alleged marijuana possession. Body-worn camera footage reportedly showed that Bates omitted mentioning a pat-down search in his police report on the incident.
Other video from that case also shows Bates having a conversation with another officer about how to come up with probable cause to make an enforcement stop when there is nothing readily apparent.
Leaños said all of this should prompt an examination of police training, both in the academy and ongoing.
“It makes you wonder where did he learn this from, and why is he doing this,” he said. “The problem with officers engaging in this type of misconduct is it reflects poorly on all officers, including the good ones.”
I thought I’d pitch in about the current chaos on our southern border. To me it’s a sign of weakness when we cannot even govern our own borders. Underneath all the dart throwing at Trump are the long standing, even seething, feelings that a lot of people have, that goes something like “We’ve been waiting decades for you guys (Congress/Senate/President) to fix the situation at the border, and look what you have done. You’re the ones who are guilty of crimes against humanity. You’re the failures. Now we are so upset that we want to blame anybody and everybody. We are totally and 1000% ticked off!.”
Creating Order at the Border is and has always been a three step solution.
1: Seal the border at any cost; it’s worth saving our national integrity. In fifty years, today’s cost will look small.
2: Regulate the inflow of people through many different types of visa programs; and keep track of same.
3: Best to leave money concerns out of the equation — meaning bottomed-out wages, long hours, no benefits, no visas — slave labor jobs. Granted, that might take some doing. Money can be insidious. It might take extra effort, but the markets will adjust to the new conditions — fair wages and working conditions.
My point: Create a fair, equitable and sustainable process, then stick to it. Contain, control, remain vigilant. Compassion and regulation are not mutually exclusive. Do not complicate or confuse. Stop commercial grade smuggling. Stop with the political jawing and name calling. Just do your job. Govern.
Seal the border, regulate the flow, leave money out of the equation. If we can get that far, we can handle the ‘undocumented’ persons who are already here. First we have to get that far. If we don’t, we’ll have the same shouting matches for a hundred years. Make no mistake about it; no matter how many darts you’ve seen thrown, everything you are now seeing and hearing is a distraction from these three long standing solutions — everything. Don’t be fooled.
Dave Scannell <firstname.lastname@example.org>
GUN RAFFLE TO BENEFIT THE CHAPLAINCY
THE MOST PROLIFIC FAMILY THE SJPD HAS EVER HAD
As we have mentioned many times in the past, retired Capt. Ivan Comelli has created and maintains a Facebook page titled “Vintage San Jose Police,” the purpose of which is to display anything from SJPD’s past. A few items have popped up in the past couple of weeks we felt were worthy of note.
First of all, the photo below is of San Jose Police Sergeant Michael Guerin at First and Santa Clara streets, circa 1940. The sergeant was the Great Uncle of retired Officer Pete Guerin, and the photo was provided by Mike’s granddaughter, Patty Stuart, who is also Pete’s cousin.
Next was another pic of Sergeant Mike Guerin that is believed to predate the 1940 photo above. Mike is in the driver’s seat of the lead car. The identity of the other police officers in the photo are unknown. This pic was also provided by Patty Stuart.
We now come to a collage of the Guerin police family. It was posted by Pete in response to his cousin’s submissions. Pete also included the text below…
Ivan! This is in response to my Cuz Patty Stuart’s photo about her grandfather, Mike Guerin. The attached photo is a collage of our family showing the Guerin family that served on the SJPD from 1903-1995. The dates below the photos reflect their years of service to the SJPD. I don’t usually like to talk about myself, but I am extremely proud of the family service to the SJPD, and that includes my Cuz Patty. She also has lots to be proud of as all of the Guerin/Gates/Stuart/Carr families. I hope I’m not excluding others.
The non-Guerin names in the collage are great uncles by marriage. For example, Captain Tom Short was John Guerin’s brother-in-law. Other family members aside, a “Guerin” served on the SJPD continuously from 1903 to my retirement in 1995. Within that period, SJPD always had a “Guerin” on the Dept., for better or worse.
SHE SHOULD GET THE TEENAGE BOYS AT THE BORDER TO FORGET ABOUT THEIR MISSING PARENTS
If you thought there was chaos at the southern border before, watch what happens when word gets out that Stormy Daniels will be arriving. Every teen-aged boy (well, most anyway) will be storming both sides of the border just to catch a glimpse of her…
Porn Star Stormy Daniels Heading to Border to Help Children
By Joel Pollack — Breitbart — June 21, 2018
Porn star Stormy Daniels announced Thursday afternoon on Twitter that she will be heading to the border to help her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, in his new effort to help migrant children whose parents were arrested after they crossed the U.S. border illegally.
Daniels, who has been on a publicity tour of strip clubs in the Midwest, tweeted that she had been too busy to help sooner, but would be leaving for the border next week:
Daniels has been fêted by the left ever since she emerged as an opponent to President Donald Trump, accusing him of having an adulterous one-night-stand with her in 2006 while his wife, Melania, was pregnant. Daniels signed a non-disclosure agreement in return for $130,000, but is seeking to have the agreement voided by the courts.
Last month, the city of West Hollywood, California, gave Daniels the key to the city — though the mayor who presented her with the award, John Duran, had been forced to settle a $500,000 sexual harassment claim in 2016.
Avenatti has been a ubiquitous presence on cable news over the past few months until recently, when his law firm ran into controversy, and world events pushed his legal crusade against Trump out of the “A block” in daily headlines.
He arrived at the border several days ago and promptly took up the cause of 50 illegal alien mothers who allege that they were separated from their children.
Joel B. Pollak is Senior Editor-at-Large at Breitbart News. He was named to Forward’s 50 “most influential” Jews in 2017. He is the co-author of “How Trump Won: The Inside Story of a Revolution, which is available from Regnery.”
Click HERE then scroll down to review the readers’ comments about this story.
SAY IT ISN’T SO, YOU ‘FORMERLY’ SWEET YOUNG THING…
Actress Heather Locklear Arrested Again For Assaulting Police Officer, EMT
By Sandy Malone — Blues Lives Matter — June 25, 2018
Police said Heather Locklear assaulted a police officer and an
EMT who responded to a 911 call from her home on Sunday.
Los Angeles, CA – Actress Heather Locklear has been arrested for assaulting a police officer, again.
Police said Locklear attacked a police officer and an EMT when emergency personnel responded to a 911 call from her home on Sunday evening, TMZ reported.
Officers first responded to a call about another disturbance at the actress’s home at around 6 p.m. on June 24, but left after determining no crime had been committed, according to TMZ.
Law enforcement sources told TMZ that the 56-year-old Locklear assaulted the first responders when police returned to her home in response to another 911 call shortly before midnight.
TMZ reported that sources said Locklear was extremely intoxicated, and that she punched a responding deputy who was trying to intervene between her and her family.
An ambulance was summoned to the residence, but when paramedics arrived and tried to put the television star on a gurney, she kicked an EMT, TMZ reported.
Locklear was transported to the hospital for an examination. She was later released into police custody.
Ventura County Sheriff’s Captain Garo Kuredjian told Variety that the actress had been arrested on two counts of misdemeanor battery — assault of a police officer and assault of an emergency personnel.
Locklear was booked into jail, where she was being held on $20,000 bail. She is schedule for a court appearance on Tuesday, Variety reported.
The actress had been involuntarily committed for a psychiatric evaluation on June 17, after a family member called 911 and reported that Locklear had threatened to kill herself and was trying to find a gun to do the deed, TMZ reported.
Both the Ventura County Sheriff’s Department and the Ventura County Fire Department responded in that incident, and no criminal charges were filed.
This was not the first time that the television star, famous for the series “Melrose Place,” has threatened police officers.
Thousand Oaks Police Captain Dean Cook said Locklear assaulted three officers when police responded to a domestic violence incident at her home in February, FOX News reported.
The actress was arrested on one count of domestic violence and three counts of battery on emergency personnel, FOX News reported.
During that arrest, TMZ reported that Locklear threatened to shoot responding officers if they ever returned to her home.
Law enforcement sources told TMZ that multiple units were dispatched to Locklear’s residence from the sheriff’s department because of her recent history with the agency.
Click HERE to review the readers’ comments about this story
SKIP THIS IF YOU ARE NOT IN YOUR 60s OR 70s — OR IF THIS ALBUM MEANS NOTHING TO YOU
Age is Nothing But a Lousy Number
By Nick Hoppe <NickHoppe61@gmail.com>
San Francisco Chronicle Datebook — June 25, 2018
Paul McCartney at age 64, in 2002, with Heather Mills
I had a birthday last week. It was no ordinary birthday, nor was it one of those decade birthdays that cause so much angst, like your 40th, 60th or 80th.
This was much worse, at least for any Baby Boomer and fan of the Beatles. (If you’re neither, you might not understand this column.) Yes, I turned 64.
How did that happen? It seems like only yesterday I was singing along with Paul McCartney, wondering how anyone could be that old.
“Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When I’m sixty-four.”
I always loved that song, until now. It was a cute melody about old people, and I wasn’t one of them. Now I’m losing my hair and I’ve got a grandchild on my knee, just as Paul predicted. I’m not saying that’s bad, I’m just saying I never thought it would happen.
“I could be handy, mending a fuse, When your lights have gone. You can knit a sweater by the fireside, Sunday mornings go for a ride.”
LEAVE ME ALONE, MC CARTNEY! I DON’T WANT TO GO THERE YET! I’M NOT READY!
My grandparents went for Sunday morning rides. And neither my wife nor I has ever knitted anything in our lives. Despite the hair and grandchildren, the song couldn’t be about me.
“Doing the garden, digging the weeds, Who could ask for more? Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When I’m sixty-four?”
More evidence it has nothing to do with me. I don’t do gardening and I don’t dig weeds — it’s not my thing. I’m not even retired. I’ve got a long life ahead of me. GET OFF MY BACK, PAUL!
“Send me a postcard, drop me a line, Stating point of view. Indicate precisely what you mean to say, Yours sincerely, wasting away.”
WASTING AWAY! HOW RUDE CAN YOU GET, YOU FLOPPY-HAIRED JERK?!
Of course, when the “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” album was released in 1967, and “When I’m Sixty-Four” was included, I was only 13. For the next 50 years I thought the song was hilarious. Not anymore.
McCartney’s probably not laughing about it much, either. He wrote the song at the tender age of 16, and then refined it for “Sgt. Pepper,” when it was released. He’s now 76, wishing he was 64.
Or maybe not, because it wasn’t a great year for him. He divorced his second wife, Heather Mills, when he was 64. That line in the song, “Who could ask for more?” probably stung a little bit, considering she walked away with $38.5 million.
It’s actually a lovely song, though, about a couple growing old together. So when I woke up on my 64th birthday last week, I naturally had some questions for my wife.
“Will you still need me, will you still feed me?” I asked, not exactly in tune.
She rolled over, still half-asleep. “I suppose,” she replied. “As long as you don’t sing to me.”
Deal. I popped out of bed and contemplated once again the absurdity of turning 64. It was an age that always seemed so far away, so foreign, so ridiculously old.
But that was 50 years ago. In 1942, when McCartney was born, the average life expectancy for a British male was 63. By 2030, it will be 86. In other words, it’s clearly time to update the title. “When I’m Eighty-Four” has a much nicer ring to it.
I pulled out the lyrics from the internet and, after making sure no one was around, sang the song with the age change. It worked. I suddenly felt 20 years younger.
“Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When I’m eighty-four?”
Now we’re talking, Paul and me, just like the old days. Neither one of us was even close to 84, and if that birthday does ever come around for me, I could envision going for Sunday rides and maybe even doing a little gardening and weed-pulling, assuming I’ve got the strength.
That vision, I fully expect, will last for the next 20 years. Because, if and when I turn 84, I’ll be changing the lyrics again. “Hundred and four” may not be the right cadence for the song, but it’s going to work for me.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
Life at Happy Acres
Received from Gary Johnson
A lady in a Florida retirement community was sitting on a bench near a gentleman she didn’t know.
“Are you new to Happy Acres?” she asked.
“No, I’ve owned a condo here for 20 years.” he replied.
“That’s interesting,” she said. “I’ve lived here for 15 years, but I’ve never seen you before.”
He replied, “I’ve been in prison for the last 17 years.”
A little stunned, she asked “Well, what was it you had done?”
He replied, “I murdered my wife.”
After a long pause she said “So you’re single?”
• • • • •
Science can be fun, read and learn…
From the Archives
* The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
* It takes the food 5 seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
* One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lbs.).
* The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
* Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
* A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
* There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
* Women blink twice as often as men.
* The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
* Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
* Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
• • • • •
Getting rid of a bear on the roof…
From the Archives
A man woke up one morning in Alaska and found a bear on his roof, so he looked in the yellow pages and, sure enough, there was an ad for “Bear Removers.”
He called the number, explained the problem, and the bear remover said he’ll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrived, got out of his van, and grabbed a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asked.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof,” the said. “Then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab him by his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What do you want me to do with this?” he asked.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
June 20 — 26
June 20: Tonight, President Trump held a big rally up in Minnesota. It’s part of his plan to get as far away from the Mexican border as possible.
President Trump went to Minnesota to hold a rally. At one point even his staff was like, “Let’s just push him into Canada and be done with this.”
People are really upset about how Trump’s handled immigrant families. In fact, while Trump was visiting Congress this week, someone yelled, “Mr. President, eff you!” But don’t worry, Melania quickly apologized.
Trump reversed course today and signed an order to stop separating immigrant kids from their families — and start detaining them together. You know 2018 is rough when people are going, “All right, families getting locked up in cages together! Yeah!”
Since a judge approved AT&T’s merger with Time Warner, experts say it could open up the door for other big companies to merge. We took a look at some companies we’d like to see merge, just because of what they could rename themselves. I’ll show you what I mean. For example, if Saks Fifth Avenue and Citigroup merged, they’d be “Saks and the Citi.” If Myspace and eBay merged, they’d be “my bae.” If Chili’s and Netflix merged, they’d be “Netflix and Chili’s.” And finally, if Bonobos and Dunkin’ Donuts merged, they’d be “Bo-Dunk-a-Dunk.”
Banks are starting to offer services through virtual assistants like Amazon Echo, which backfires when you ask Alexa for your account balance and she just starts laughing.
June 21: Today is the first official day of summer. Right now, everyone’s thinking, “I’m gonna hike! I’m gonna go camping! I’m gonna hit the beach!” While Netflix is like, “Suuure you are.”
Today, first lady Melania Trump made a surprise visit to the U.S.-Mexico border. And this isn’t good — she brought her passport and everything she owns.
Melania pressured Donald to stop his family separation policy. She promised that if he did, she’d let him hold her hand for a full three seconds.
The Trump administration says they want to combine the Department of Labor and the Department of Education. Trump said, “We’re merging the Departments of Labor and Education to create…the Department of Lubrication.”
During the G7 Summit, Trump tossed a Starburst to German leader Angela Merkel and said, “Here, Angela, don’t say I never gave you anything.” Then he realized it was a red one and dove across the table to get it back.
Starbucks just announced that they’re closing 150 stores due to low sales. Meanwhile, the Starbucks inside Barnes & Noble was like, “Shhh — I think they forgot about us.”
June 26: There’s a lot of fighting going on right now in Washington, and one Republican congressman said he thinks the U.S. is heading toward another civil war. At first, President Trump was excited because he thought that meant there’ll be another “Avengers” movie.
The Supreme Court ruled in favor of President Trump’s travel ban 5-4. Or as Trump calls that, unanimous.
In a speech last night, Trump said sometimes you have to toot your own horn because nobody else is going to do it. The last time someone else tooted Trump’s horn it cost him $130,000.
A Minor League Baseball team in Pennsylvania is selling a hot dog wrapped in cotton candy topped with Nerds candies. And instead of condiments, every one of those comes with a cry for help.
ESPN’s annual Body Issue comes out this week. While everyone else’s body issues will come out after they read it.
June 20: Billy Joel will host the re-election fundraiser for New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo next month, with tickets starting at $5,000. That’s ridiculous. If you want to spend $5,000 to see Billy Joel, just pay his bail after a DUI.
According to a new report, legal marijuana sales in Colorado have seen a plateau in growth. Apparently, people are still going to the marijuana stores, but they can’t remember why they went in.
New York’s State Assembly is considering a new bill that would legalize alcoholic ice cream. “That’s great news,” said a five-year-old having a rough day. “Just a little something to take the edge off, Ma.”
Authorities in Florida are searching for two men who left an injured alligator at a convenience store. Said the alligator, “No, no, it’s cool. They said they’d see me later.”
Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. In related news, no matter what this guy says [picture of Burger King’s “The King” ad mascot], he does not play for Spain.
June 21: President Trump held a campaign rally last night in Minnesota. And long story short, we are now in a trade war with Minnesota.
First lady Melania Trump made a surprise trip to the U.S.-Mexico border today and visited a facility holding migrant children. “I can’t imagine what terrible things you’ve been through,” said one of the kids to Melania.
First lady Melania Trump was wearing a jacket today with the words “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” written on the back when she boarded a plane to go visit the border. You know, a lot of people are giving her a hard time about it. But I think it’s nice that she had a jacket made to display her wedding vows.
After Melania Trump was spotted wearing the jacket, her spokesperson said, “It’s a jacket. There was no hidden message.” Hidden? It was literally spelled out. That’s like saying, “If you play an Aerosmith song forwards, it contains hidden messages about love in an elevator.”
Hundreds of people gathered at LaGuardia airport last night to welcome migrant children who have been separated from their parents at the border. And if you don’t think that’s a big deal, you’ve never asked someone to pick you up at LaGuardia.
June 26: The Supreme Court today upheld President Trump’s travel ban on seven primarily Muslim nations. Though, I think they should only uphold the ban if Trump can name all seven.
President Trump was in South Carolina to campaign for Gov. Henry McMaster. Incidentally, McMaster is also what Trump calls the manager at the McDonald’s he goes to. “Excuse me, could I speak to your McMaster?”
According to The New York Times, former White House press secretary Sean Spicer is developing a talk show. It’s called “Late Night With Such Liars.”
President Trump today accused Democrats of wanting “unlimited crime.” Coincidentally, Unlimited Crime was also the most popular class at Trump University.
After Harley-Davidson announced it would move some of its production outside the U.S., President Trump tweeted today, “A Harley-Davidson should never be built in another country, never.” You should talk. Half of your campaign was built in another country [map of Russia].
According to a new study, older people who have sex regularly tend to have better memories, while the people who walked in on them just want to forget.
June 20: Canada has just announced that they will become the second country in the world to legalize marijuana. So while it’s been wonderful to be back here in London, I can officially announce that next year we will be taking the show to Toronto.
Here in the United Kingdom, officials are looking at the possibility of legalizing medical marijuana. When asked about it this week, Prime Minister Theresa May said that she had never smoked cannabis in her life. I believe her! You know why? Because she calls it cannabis.
As the World Cup continues, a report just came out that football fans in Russia have been drinking so much that bars and restaurants are completely running out of beer. See, this is what happens when England wins one game.
Russian bars didn’t order enough beer. What did they think a bunch a rowdy football fans were going to do? They’re like, “Guys, the next round is on me. Sauvignon blanc? Gin and cucumber? I got you.”
Speaking of the World Cup, a company has created a pair of women’s underwear specially designed for the tournament that vibrate whenever a goal is scored. They’re fun during the World Cup, but back home in America, if you’re thinking of wearing them while watching basketball, don’t. You will pass out.
June 21: Today is National Selfie Say. Finally, a day to take selfies. National Selfie Day, of course, marks the beginning of the high holy days for the Kardashian family, along with the Feast of Saint Botox and Lip-Gloss Hashanah.
Today is also the first official day of summer. The first day of summer, the summer solstice as they call it, is the longest day of the year. Every day since Donald Trump was elected is the longest day of the year.
President Trump is back on the campaign trail. He had a rally-slash-one-man show in Duluth, Minnesota, last night. It’s good for him — whenever he’s feeling down he gets a bunch of white people together to watch him scream about CNN.
It was an hour-long tirade/hissy fit. He played all the hits. He did “Crooked Hillary,” “MS-13,” “Space Force,” “Lock Her Up.” There was some new material too. He’s calling the Russia witch hunt investigation a scam. It’s a scam now. He says if the scam gets any bigger they’re going to have to start calling it Trump University.
While Trump was busy selling hats, his wife, Melania, went to visit migrant children in McAllen, Texas. Did you see what she was wearing? Now keep in mind, she was on her way to see children who’ve been separated from their parents. This is what she wore on a plane ride there — a jacket that said “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” Is the president now tweeting onto his wife’s clothes?
The first lady’s getting a lot of flak for the jacket. Her spokeswoman said, “It’s a jacket. There was no hidden message.” Well, no one thought the message was hidden. It’s written in big letters on the back.
June 21: The story of the week has been Trump’s pro-baby-snatching agenda, and today it took another weird turn. Because to try to humanize these child detention centers, the administration sent their most high-profile detainee, Melania Trump.
As soon as she got there, the first lady cut right to the big question: “How I can help to these children to reunite them with their families as quickly as possible?” Ma’am, I know how you can help. Unfortunately, it involves speaking to your husband. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
This is what first ladies often do — go to a troubled area, see the children, show that we care. You can’t mess that up. Guess what? I spoke too soon. Today, on her way to show that she cares, Melania wore a jacket that says “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” That’s what they settled on? What was her first choice, a jacket that says “Womp, Womp”?
She’s forgotten the most important fashion advice: Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take off that jacket.
But the first lady’s spokesperson says, “It’s a jacket. There was no hidden message.” Right, it’s definitely not hidden. It’s right on the back! And I’m going to guess this is one message she did not steal from Michelle Obama.
How many people would get fired for this at a normal White House? One, five, the entire executive branch? Because in the middle of the worst moral scandal in recent memory — so bad her husband backed down for the first time — people who are supposedly on her side let her get on a plane with a jacket that said, “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” For the record, we do.
June 26: I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news. The bad news is I lied: There’s no good news. But for a minute, you had hope. You’re welcome!
You remember that guy in Washington, tried the whole Muslim ban that they said was “not a Muslim ban — a travel ban.” Well, today, the Supreme Court fell for it, upholding Trump’s ban by a 5-4 vote. Oooh, 5-4 — THIS CLOSE to being able to look our grandchildren in the eye.
This was actually Trump’s third travel ban after the previous version explicitly banned people from Muslim-majority countries, and the original draft just read, “Beards are scary!”
Now, I seem to remember Trump saying one or two bad things about Muslims during the campaign. But in his decision, Chief Justice Roberts sets aside Trump’s anti-Muslim statements while finding the ban itself falls within the president’s authority. Well, sure, if you set aside everything he said, it’s legal! That’s like a lawyer saying, “My client is innocent, Your Honor, as long as you set aside the bloody knife he was holding while he screamed, ‘I love me some murderin’!'”
In fact, the ruling says that statements made during a campaign may not be legally determinative. So, the things he said during the campaign may not be true? Wait, does that mean he’s NOT Making America Great? Hold on, is Sen. Rubio “Regular-Sized Marco?”
Of course, almost immediately, Donald Trump crowed via tweet, “Supreme Court upholds Trump travel ban. Wow!” Wow? That’s very presidential — much like Lincoln in the Emancipation Proclamation: “All persons held as slaves within the rebellious states are, and henceforward shall be free. Yowza!”
After the decision, Trump got together with members of Congress to celebrate, and he promised to continue his harsh immigration policies, saying, “I will always be defending the sovereignty, the safety, and the security of the American people. That’s why I was put here.” Put here? I think you mean “Putin here.”
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for what’s new.
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This clip received from Joe Suske represents one of the best video editing jobs about immigration we have ever seen. Watch how Trump responds to Bill Clinton and Barack Obama’s State of the Union addresses regarding the hot button ISSUE of immigration. (2:28)
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Mackenzie Emory, a 21-year-old from Roseville, CA, would make a perfect candidate for any police or sheriff’s department. Or the USMC. Or Special Forces. Or Delta Force. Or a SEAL Team. Or as a professional Government Assassin. YOU GO GIRL. (3:37)
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For this week’s nature lesson we turn to the BBC Earth series and this clip titled, “Don’t Mess with a Huge Elephant Seal.” Pay ATTENTION; there will be a quiz after class. (3:42)
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We are willing to wager that not more than a half-dozen of the nearly thousand of you have seen this vintage clip of a young George Carlin appearing on the Jimmy Dean Show. Most people go through a hippie stage and slowly morph into respectable citizens. Carlin, on the other hand, started out as a button-down comedian and wound up as a very funny hippie. RIP, George. (1937-2008)
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Sorry, Hank, too little, too late.
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Planning to take your grandkid(s) to the state fair, local carnival or even the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk? If so, you would do well to spend a few minutes and watch this clip about SCAMS. (11:36)
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If you wonder why space aliens haven’t contacted us, it’s probably because they looked out the window of their UFO, spotted these two brain surgeons and decided there is no intelligent life on this planet worth contacting. Clicking HERE will explain that statement. (0:28)
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(Having fun on Facebook)
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Mike Thompson would love to visit this place, to which we say, “What red-blooded American male in his 70s wouldn’t?” The clip takes us back to the good old days when cars were near and dear to our collective hearts. Click HERE for your ticket to the Cars of Dreams and enjoy the tour. (9:16)
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Stanley Morgan of KRON’s People Behaving Badly series was in San Jose for THIS report about the scooters that have invaded the downtown area. (2:19)
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Listening to this American classic performed by the Danish National Symphony Orchestra might bring forth an image of Clint Eastwood. If you choose to click on THIS link, see if you can spot the hanging man. Should be easy as he makes several appearances. (6:13)
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This was one of Eldad’s earlier rescues that dates back to 2011. With help from a young lady named Meg Thayer, they were able to capture a homeless 6-month-old puppy and create a happy FUTURE for the little pooch. (2:58)
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A year later, an about-to-be mama had been abandoned at a shelter while she was in labor. After she delivered her pups, they had difficulty nursing because mama’s fur was so badly matted. With no medical facilities at the shelter, Hope for Paws took mama and her pups to a medical CLINIC to solve the problem. (4:01)
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It’s June of 2015 and Eldad and Lisa team up to rescue a homeless dog from an underground sewer system. What Lisa is willing to go through on these rescues while Eldad captures them on video is a testament to her love of animals. Watch THIS rescue of Leah. (7:25)
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This is the rescue of Penelope by Eldad and Lisa that was referenced in the video above. The injured Pit Bull ultimately became a buddy of Leah’s as shown toward the end of the ABOVE clip. (3:41)
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For the cat lovers among you, Eldad and Loreta responded to a report of a tiny kitten that was laying in the carpool lane of the Los Angeles freeway. Most cops will criticize them for this rescue, but everything worked out and they did save the kitty’s life. Give a warm MEOW to a very hungry Napoleon. (5:34)
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Joe Suske says the Belgian Malinois is definitely one dog you don’t want chasing you in the wild, or anywhere else for that matter. It is NOT your typical police K-9. (3:07)
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There’s not much you can say about these failed insurance scammers other than the fact that most of them are good for a LAUGH or two. (2:50)
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Care to take a wild guess what the pics below represent? Don’t bother. The only way you would ever know is by clicking HERE. (3:57)
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Manny: “How was your drive home?”
Connie: “It was fine. I missed the main exit, but I MANAGED.” (0:22)
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This week’s closer is a CBS “On the Road” segment received from Sharon Lansdowne. It’s a short video of a cowboy who captured a bike thief in an unusual way by USING his horse and a rope. (2:50)
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THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 6/28/18
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
To receive the email address of anyone on the list — or to receive the roster with all of the email addresses — send your request to <email@example.com>.
Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark “Mo”
O’Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve