April 12, 2018
The Farsider is an independent publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience
of the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association’s Board of Directors or its membership.
RETIRED OFFICER WILLIAM G. BENNETT
No Photo Available
Date of death unknown
Saw in the Billy & Spanner that Bill Bennett passed away. He came over from Sunnyvale DPS about the same time as the late Ken Geppert. The last time I had contact with Bill was several years ago after he had suffered a stroke that had impaired his speech. At that time he was living in W. Palm Beach, Florida. During his time at SJPD he worked the A-Cars and was a canine officer with a partner named (I think) “Kuno.” I did a little online research but didn’t find any additional info.
Dave (Samsel) <email@example.com>
I didn’t have much better luck than you did, Dave. I checked Facebook and Google for any info on Bill and all I could find was a public San Jose police and fire Retirement Page on Google (click HERE) that shows Bill took a disability retirement in 1978 after 8.35 years of service. I have no further details on the cause of his passing, nor do I have a photo (his picture does not appear in the Retirees’ section of the 1983 SJPD Commemorative Album). Police Personnel is run by a civilian these days and she prohibits any info about active or retired personnel from being released other than appointment and retirement dates, both of which are considered public information.
Our Walking SJPD Encyclopedia didn’t fare much better, although Bob Moir did recall that Bennett was a sharp dresser and that Bill Brown would have “approved of the way he wore his cap.”
Any info beyond what Dave and Bob provided would be appreciated.
PBA MEETS NEXT WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18
Note the same time and place next Wednesday for April’s PBA general membership meeting. The bar will open at 5:00 and dinner will be served around 6:00. Ample liquid libations, excellent food and good friends will be the order of the day. President Dave Wysuph is hoping that Bob “Sgt. at Arms” Moir doesn’t show up late to open the bar like he did last April as it resulted in an ugly scene outside the POA Hall…
RANGE QUALIFICATION INFO
Ron Webster reports that he was planning to travel from Arizona to San Jose next week and called the Range for qualification info. He was told that it will be closed from April 11 through May 14 for maintenance and repairs.
The initial news report out of New York this week was that NYPD police officers shot and killed an unarmed black man. Protests erupted and renewed calls for “reform” were once again on the front burner of our national dialogue about police and community relations.
The initial reports were not completely accurate; in fact, they were not even close. This NYPD tweet of video from surveillance cameras where the suspect was terrorizing the public and the verbatim transcripts from multiple 911 calls tell a different story.
Click HERE to watch the video.
We applaud the actions of the police officers involved in this incident. They reacted to this threat in the appropriate way. The question we have is, Where was this suspect’s family who, news reports say, knew that their family member was suffering from mental health issues? What could they have done to ensure this suspect was on his medication and/or enrolled in therapy? Welcome to policing in America.
You have a tough job, follow your training and do your best to stay safe.
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
Nothing new to report this week.
Hello Bill and Leroy,
When I was younger and I’d hear an old person talk about attending their 50th high school reunion, I thought, “Wow, are you ancient!”
Well, I’ve turned ancient. Mother Butler Memorial High School will celebrate its 50th reunion, class of 1968, this September, and we are searching for alum. To date, 50 have been located; there are 30 left. The girls planning the reunion in San Jose and Cupertino asked for help in locating the remaining 30. Unfortunately, most of us married right out of high school or college as the thought back then was “If you are over 20 and not married you will be an old maid.” Anyway, it’s difficult to find these girls with married last names. We didn’t hyphenate back then either.
Is there a research tool on the internet to search maiden names without a fee attached?
SJPD archives didn’t respond regarding the old Insiders and the blueprint of the PAB. However, I have negatives of George Dwyer’s retirement in 1977. Was his son, Pat, an officer? if so, would there be a way to get these negatives to him? I’m sure he’d enjoy the photos.
Thank you for any help.
Marie Romano <firstname.lastname@example.org>
To start, Marie, I am unaware of an Internet research tool that can search for maiden names with or without a fee. Perhaps one of the Farsider readers will be aware of one and email you a link.
Second, when I retired nearly 20 years ago, every single copy of the Insider from the very first one in 1976 through 2000 filled over a dozen large three-ring binders and were stored in the Cecil Ayers Memorial Library in R&D. They were never digitized to my knowledge. I believe the SJPD Historical Society currently maintains possession of the binders, but it would be unrealistic to ask anyone to go through them page-by-page and look for maiden names.
To answer your third question, I made contact with SJPD’s Walking Encyclopedia to confirm what I was already aware of regarding Pat Dwyer. Bob Moir responded with the following. As is typical when I reach out to Bob, I get more info than I asked for…
“Yes, you are right. Father and grandfather (the late George Dwyer) was a well respected motor cop. Pat, his son, rose to the rank of Capt. and later became Chief at the Depts. you mentioned (Sunnyvale, Palo Alto and Hayward). And, Jason Dwyer, Pat’s son (George’s grandson) is currently a Capt. on the Dept. His mother used to work at Joe Escobar’s, as did Tom Mazzone’s wife, who is a citizen of Italy, not the US. I don’t know about the citizenship of their dog.”
If you don’t receive a message from Pat, let me know and I’ll send you his email address, Marie.
- • • • •
Was really looking forward to the last Farsider in hopes of hearing more about Joe Cressa. Worked with Joe and came on Dept with him. Same Academy as Carm. Joe was from San Fran as I was. Joked about how he got into Police Work. Seems he was a garbage man and came down with a case of Blood Poison which almost killed him. Said he had to find a less dangerous job. Not sure he got the right one, but at least he lived to retire. Since he was from the City (SF), I thought there might be and Obit in the archives of the Chronicle or one of the City rags. I am not adept with the computer so I did not try a search.
Let me know if you find anything. I think Joe is my age or a little older. May have been 76 to 78 when he passed judging from the info Carm had about his pension ending.
Hope you are doing well. Thanks again for all you do and hope you keep up the good work.
Joe (Suske) <email@example.com>
PS: If I should croak before you, please do not use the photo in that 80’s album. It’s just not me. I told Joyce to send you a younger, better looking one if any exist.
The closest thing I could find in terms of obituaries was the one about Joe’s wife Judith that was in the Aug. 22, 2013 FARSIDER (click HERE). And THIS link shows that Joe may have moved to Grass Valley either before or after Judith passed away. It also shows his age at the time as 77.
By the way, Joe, if you were to “croak” before me and think I might run the photo below that some would have us believe was taken when you were a member of Patton’s Third Army, you are SOL. Besides, those of us who know you are aware that you served as a Jarhead, not a Dogface!
• • • •
I don’t know anyone named Middle Ground and have never met anyone with that name, so I am assuming that it’s not a real name. Although I find this person’s point of view ill informed and annoying, I support their right to voice an opinion. I would have more respect his opinions, however, if he would not hide behind the mask of anonymity.
David Jenkins <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Hi Dave: Given the political climate and the assumption that opinions NOT in support of Trump might well result in some nasty attacks, I have no problem with readers using nom de plumes when they want to express an opinion in the Mail Call column regardless of whether they are in support of him, against him, or just don’t give a damn either way. Middle Ground isn’t the only one who has chosen to submit letters without disclosing his real name, I have also published several messages from “Talking Points” and “Red State,” both of whom express conservative views while wishing to remain anonymous. My feeling is that everyone is free to express their opinions in the Mail Call column without revealing their identity, just as the readers are free to skip over opinions appearing in print. —Bill
- • • • •
Just got through watching Zuckerberg testify before Congress about Facebook. I think it was grossly unfair that Diamond and Silk were not invited to question the billionaire along with the politicians. Seems that the conservative duo have an axe to grind with the Facebook founder. Did you happen to catch them on Fox and Friends. If not, I have attached the video.
Red State <RedState70@comcast.net>
Click HERE to watch the Fox and Friends clip featuring Diamond and Silk and their beef with Facebook.
- • • • •
I just wanted to give my take on release dates in prisons, then no more jail prison talk from me for a while.
My take is short ― everyone should get life. Period. They earned their way there. Give ’em a list of things to accomplish. If they get the list successfully completed, then let them out. They have rights. They have the the right to be there. They earned it. Now let them earn their way out. Simple. If they want to lift weights in the yard all day; smoke, joke and sit around scheming about shifty deeds, that’s up to them. A lot of people misuse their lives.
But they don’t get out till they’re ready, that’s all. Till they do the list ―no matter how much time it takes. Earn your way in, earn your way out. Might take 5 years; for some a whole lot longer. Nobody gets out till they’re ready. That’s the criteria. Till they can do no more harm.
Out with set release dates. Life with parole, or life with no parole, or the death penalty are the only three options. Life with parole, do the list. The State has to offer all the programs, and the inmate has to complete the list. Clear; easy to understand. Time to grow up. Time to get that scheming mind under control. Time to go to work.
The reverse situation is actually the real crime; repeat offenders walking our streets. Doing their evil deeds. Causing fear and trauma. Why have we been so accepting all this time? Letting someone out when they are not ready. That’s by far the worst crime.
For a kinder gentler world, I say enough!
Dave (Scannell) <email@example.com>
NEW VANGUARD AVAILABLE ONLINE
Dear Vanguard Reader,
The April 2018 eVanguard is now online. Hard copies of the magazine will be arriving in the mail soon. Click HERE, then on the image on the POA website to download the magazine to your desktop.
RSVP NOW FOR THE BOBBY BURROUGHS MEMORIAL BARBECUE IN FOLSOM
Announcing the 11th Annual Bobby Burroughs Memorial BBQ in Folsom
Date and Time:
Saturday, May 19, 2017
Lunch at 12:00 p.m.
Meeting right after lunch
The Lou Howard Pavilion
7100 Baldwin Dam Rd.
Folsom, CA 95630
(Click on the link below to RSVP and for directions)
Please RSVP if you plan on attending so we can get an accurate head count for lunch. You can RSVP by filling out the form at THIS link, or by contacting Jerry Ellis at 408-730-9974, or by email at <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
SAVE THE DATE
Saturday, April 21st
San Jose Giants vs. Modesto Nuts
Gates open at 3:30 p.m. — Game time is 5:00 p.m.
Operation Care and Comfort has once again partnered with the
San Jose Giants for the annual Military Appreciation Game. We
are proud to honor the service of two of our very own: Chaplain
Dave Bridgen and Retired Officer Juan M. Reyes will be honored
in this year’s Military Trading Card and set and in an on-field
presentation before the game at approximately 4:30 p.m.
Please join us in honoring Chaplain Bridgen and Retired Officer
Reyes for their military service to the United States of America.
Contact Gary Johnson at <email@example.com> for more information.
STOCKTON WANTS TO AVOID THEIR OWN STEPHON CLARK INCIDENT
How Can San Joaquin County Officers Avoid ‘National Embarrassment?’
—Community leaders ask law enforcement how to prevent officer-involved shootings—
By Tom Miller, KCRA 3, Sacramento
Click HERE to play the video (1:55)
STOCKTON, Calif. (KCRA) — San Joaquin County law enforcement leaders met with community members Thursday to discuss officer training and protocol.
The meeting was held in hopes of avoiding a “national embarrassment,” which is the way the Stockton Black Leadership Council President Ralph White referred to Stephon Clark’s police shooting death in Sacramento.
White made specific requests to the law enforcement leaders that he believes will help prevent officer-involved shootings:
1) No muting or turning off police body cameras
“We didn’t buy cameras to cut them off when something happens,” White said. “If they cut them off, they get fired.”
2) No chasing people suspected of committing misdemeanors
“We don’t need to be chasing crime, we need to prevent crimes,” he said. “We don’t need to chase shooters, we need to prevent shootings.”
3) Drug tests for officers involved in shootings
“If you have to have a drug test every time you shoot through your gun, then that’s going to prevent some,” White said.
Stockton Police Chief Eric Jones said he’s working to keep specific officers patrolling in the same neighborhoods in order to help build community trust.
“I have strategic community officers,” Jones said. “They are assigned to areas for the purpose of getting to know the community.”
Jones also said he’s focused on continuing to improve the department through training, policy, accountability, leadership and oversight all needed to bring change.
In addition to Jones, the city manager, San Joaquin County sheriff and a representative from the district attorney’s office attended the meeting with several dozen Stockton residents.
~ ~ ~
I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but a good start to resolving issues like the Stephon Clark shooting would be for the parent(s) to teach their gangster kid NOT to break into cars, and if he does and is spotted by the police, NOT to run, and if he does, NOT to run into a backyard at night while holding something in his hand that reflects light and can be mistaken for a firearm. Simple, no?
MORE ON THE PROPOSED LEGISLATION TO CORRAL COPS
Proposed Law Says Suspects with Imitation Weapons Can’t be Shot by Police
By Snarky Cop — Blue Lives Matter — April 2, 2018
A new law proposed in California would change
the standards for when force could be used.
Sacramento, CA – Following the recent justified shooting of Stephon Clark, California lawmakers are moving to make it easy to prosecute officers who shoot suspects.
I previously covered why the Stephon Clark shooting was justified, and why officials who say otherwise are lying about it.
Lawmakers in California are well-aware that the shooting was legally justified, and the only way to change that fact is to change the law itself, so that’s what they are doing.
Currently, federal use of force is governed by federal case law. The case law allows officers to use deadly force if, considering the facts and circumstances presented to them at the time, and considering the officer’s training and experience, they believe that a suspect is posing a deadly threat.
Individual states may establish their own laws which are more strict than federal law on police use of deadly force.
I am not aware of any state which actually has a more strict standard than the federal standard. Some law enforcement agencies have set more strict policies, but the outcome of violating those policies generally means that an officer could be fired. By changing a state law, it could send officers to prison.
California wants to change their legal standard from the “reasonable force” rule to “necessary force,” according to the Associated Press.
They define “necessary force” as force used when “there were no other reasonable alternatives to the use of deadly force.”
This initially seems close to the old standard, as they both require reasonableness. However, it does not allow for the officers to use force based on how circumstances appear to them at the time. Instead, it allows the officer to be judged in hindsight if the force was actually necessary.
For example, if a suspect pulls a pellet gun on an officer, they are not actually presenting a deadly threat. The officer would have no reasonable way to know that the gun isn’t a lethal firearm, but under the new law, they could be charged if they shoot that suspect.
This law would also appear to apply if somebody pulled an unloaded gun on an officer, or drew a malfunctioning gun. In these circumstance, unbeknownst to the officer, the suspect is not actually presenting a deadly threat. If the officer reasonably responds by shooting that person, they could be criminally charged.
This is why the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled, “The ‘reasonableness’ of a particular use of force must be judged from the perspective of a reasonable officer on the scene, rather than with the 20/20 vision of hindsight.”
The proposed change to California law would also open the door for second-guessing officers’ decisions when they are actually presented with a deadly threat. If, in hindsight, it’s determined that retreating was an option, or “de-escalating” a gunfight, then an officer could be charged.
If these changes are allowed, then it would be near-impossible for an officer to use deadly force and know at that time if it’s justified.
Do you think that it’s possible for officers to reasonably work while knowing that any use of force will be judged in hindsight, based on factors unknown to them at the time? We’d like to hear from you. Please let us know in the comments.
Click HERE to read some of the many readers’ comments about this story.
SOTOMAYOR PISSED AT THE OTHER JUSTICES FOR THEIR ‘PRO-POLICE’ RULING
Supreme Court Rules for Police Officer in Excessive Force Case
By Adam Liptak
New York Times — April 2, 2018
WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court on Monday ruled for an Arizona police officer who shot a woman outside her home in Tucson. The court’s decision was unsigned and issued without full briefing and oral argument, an indication that the majority found the case to be easy.
In an impassioned dissent, Justice Sonia Sotomayor said the majority had gone badly astray.
“Its decision is not just wrong on the law; it also sends an alarming signal to law enforcement officers and the public,” she wrote. “It tells officers that they can shoot first and think later, and it tells the public that palpably unreasonable conduct will go unpunished.”
The case started in 2010 when three police officers responded to a 911 call reporting that a woman had been seen acting erratically by hacking at a tree with a knife.
They saw Sharon Chadwick standing in the driveway of a house. A second woman, Amy Hughes, emerged from the house, holding a kitchen knife. She stopped six feet from Ms. Chadwick.
Although the officers did not know it, the two women were roommates. Ms. Hughes was not moving, spoke calmly, held the knife at her side and made no aggressive movements.
Ms. Chadwick later said that she did not feel threatened and that Ms. Hughes had appeared composed.
The officers drew their guns and told Ms. Hughes to drop the knife, but it is not clear that she heard them. Officer Andrew Kisela opened fire, shooting Ms. Hughes four times.
Screaming and bleeding, Ms. Hughes asked, “Why’d you shoot me?”
She survived and sued the officer for using excessive force. The United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, in San Francisco, allowed the case to proceed.
The Supreme Court reversed that ruling, saying that Officer Kisela was entitled to qualified immunity, a doctrine that shields officials from suits over violations of constitutional rights that were not clearly established at the time of the conduct in question.
The majority did not decide whether Officer Kisela’s actions violated the Constitution, but it did say there was no clear precedent that would have alerted him that opening fire in what he said was an effort to protect Ms. Chadwick amounted to unconstitutionally excessive force.
In dissent, Justice Sotomayor, joined by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, said the majority’s reasoning was perplexing.
“Hughes was nowhere near the officers, had committed no illegal act, was suspected of no crime, and did not raise the knife in the direction of Chadwick or anyone else,” Justice Sotomayor wrote, adding that only one officer had opened fire.
“Kisela alone resorted to deadly force in this case,” she wrote. “Confronted with the same circumstances as Kisela, neither of his fellow officers took that drastic measure.”
Justice Sotomayor said a jury should have been allowed to decide the case.
“Because Kisela plainly lacked any legitimate interest justifying the use of deadly force against a woman who posed no objective threat of harm to officers or others, had committed no crime, and appeared calm and collected during the police encounter,” Justice Sotomayor wrote, “he was not entitled to qualified immunity.”
Justice Sotomayor said the court’s decision in the case, Kisela v. Hughes, No. 17-467, was part of a disturbing trend of “unflinching willingness” to protect police officers accused of using excessive force.
The court’s decisions concerning qualified immunity, she wrote, “transforms the doctrine into an absolute shield for law enforcement officers.”
“Because there is nothing right or just under the law about this,” she wrote, “I respectfully dissent.”
THE PIC THAT SCARED THE HELL OUT OF THE LIBERALS ON THE SUPREME COURT…
…until they realized that Ruthie was just taking a nap.
A LIKELY FACE CHANGE FOR THE NATION’S MOST LIBERAL APPEALS COURT
This makes for an excellent read if your ideology is to the right of center. Not so much for those of you on the left, while Middle-of-the-roaders will probably mumble, “Meh.” (Google it)…
Judge’s Death Gives Trump a Chance to Remake a Vexing Court
New York Times — April 7, 2018
Judge Stephen Reinhardt was seen as a major influence
on the liberal wing of the Ninth Circuit and a talented
and articulate legal protector of liberal views.
WASHINGTON — In the spring of 2014, a friend tried to nudge Judge Stephen Reinhardt, then an 83-year-old liberal stalwart on the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, into stepping aside from full-time duties so President Barack Obama could nominate a successor.
The friend, Erwin Chemerinsky, now the dean at the University of California, Berkeley, School of Law, said he had gently suggested to Judge Reinhardt that he and another longtime liberal figure on the San Francisco-based court make way while Democrats still had the power to assure that jurists with a similar philosophy would take their place. Judge Reinhardt swiftly rejected that notion and stayed on.
Now Judge Reinhardt, who died this past week at age 87, could very well be replaced by a nominee chosen by President Trump. The president suddenly has a chance to seat a judge with a markedly different judicial outlook, giving conservatives a greater voice on the liberal-leaning court, which has been a particular thorn in Mr. Trump’s side.
The president’s opening does not end there.
The vacancy is one of eight on the appeals court, which has 29 active judges — a vivid illustration of the larger opportunity for Mr. Trump to put an enduring stamp on the makeup of the federal judiciary nationwide by installing candidates of a more conservative bent.
“With a Republican Senate and no possibility of a filibuster, he can have whoever he wants on the circuit court,” Mr. Chemerinsky said. “It will dramatically change the Ninth Circuit.”
Currently, there are almost 150 federal district and appeals court vacancies around the country, a number that has risen from just over 100 when Mr. Trump took office, despite his notable success at filling openings. Democrats’ weakening of the filibuster against nominees in 2013 and a recent Republican decision to limit the veto power of home-state senators over judicial candidates have left few avenues to impede Mr. Trump and his Senate allies in their determination to fill judicial openings.
Last month, the president promised an intense push. “We’re going all out,” Mr. Trump told a cheering audience in Ohio, declaring that his ability to fill scores of open slots was a “gift from heaven,” as well as “world-changing, country-changing, U.S.A.-changing.”
Mr. Trump chastised the Ninth Circuit last year for its ruling against his travel ban, and for a district court judge’s move to block enforcement of a threat by his administration to withhold federal aid from so-called sanctuary cities. “Ridiculous rulings,” he railed on Twitter. “See you in the Supreme Court!”
Though analysts say it has become more moderate in recent years, the Ninth Circuit has long been the bane of conservatives, partly because of the influence of Judge Reinhardt and another Jimmy Carter-era appointee, Harry Pregerson, who died in 2017 after taking senior status in 2015.
It is the nation’s largest appeals court, covering nine Western states and dealing with a staggering set of topics from social questions like same-sex marriage to border issues to land resource matters. Because of its size, experts say that Mr. Trump would be unable to reverse its ideological makeup even if he were able to fill all eight vacancies. Some of those nominees would replace judges who had been appointed by other Republican presidents.
But there is no dispute that Mr. Trump has the chance to push it to the right. The dynamics of the court could change in many subtle ways — producing, for example, more sharp dissents that catch the attention of the Supreme Court, said Leonard Leo, the executive vice president of the Federalist Society.
Plus, it is hard to measure the effect of the loss of Judge Reinhardt, who was seen as a major influence on the liberal wing of the court and a talented and articulate legal protector of liberal views. “The death of Judge Reinhardt means more than the loss of a liberal vote,” said Arthur Hellman, a law professor at the University of Pittsburgh and a leading expert on the appeals court.
The mounting vacancies throw the future of the Ninth Circuit into the continuing Senate clash over the federal judiciary, one area where Mr. Trump has had success, with the enthusiastic assistance of Senator Mitch McConnell, the Kentucky Republican and majority leader. Since Mr. Trump took office, the Senate has confirmed not only Justice Neil M. Gorsuch of the Supreme Court, but also a record 14 appeals court judges and 14 district court judges.
Many more are in the pipeline. “I believe that’s the most important thing we are doing,” Mr. McConnell told a newspaper editorial board last week in Kentucky.
The Trump administration has already put forward two nominees for Ninth Circuit openings. One, Mark Bennett, the former attorney general of Hawaii, has the support of the state’s two Democratic senators.
But the other, Ryan Bounds, a federal prosecutor in Oregon, faces objections from the state’s two Democratic senators, setting up a showdown over that choice.
After Judge Reinhardt’s death created another California vacancy on the court, Senator Dianne Feinstein, the Californian who is also the senior Democrat on the Judiciary Committee, said she would resist efforts to remake a court that has been willing to defy the president.
“It’s no secret that President Trump and Republicans want to reshape the Ninth Circuit, and we will not accept unwarranted, partisan attacks on our courts,” she said in a statement. “I am fully committed to ensuring that Ninth Circuit nominees reflect our state’s communities and values and are well regarded by their local bench and bar.”
But she may find it hard to deliver on that guarantee. Senator Charles E. Grassley of Iowa, the Republican chairman of the Judiciary Committee, will probably proceed carefully, given his need to work cooperatively with Ms. Feinstein. But Mr. Grassley — with Mr. McConnell’s eager backing — has decreed that he will not allow home-state senators to use the so-called blue slip process to block appeals court nominees, as they have in the past.
The changes to the Ninth Circuit and the rest of the federal bench are now playing out with several questions looming, including how quickly the White House will act and how driven Senate Republicans will be to confirm judges before a November election that could change control of the Senate.
Some Republicans have threatened more rules changes if Democrats continue to slow-walk nominees.
One thing is certain, though — any Ninth Circuit nominee chosen by Mr. Trump will bear little resemblance to Judge Reinhardt.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did. The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing, she announced to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up…so she took them home, invited some friends over and they all feasted on the shellfish.
- • • • •
What is Up with Up?
How on earth do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of the English language?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is “UP.”
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are politicians and officers UP for election. For that matter, why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room and polish UP the silver. We warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house when we leave while some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is especially confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP .
We open UP a store in the morning and close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of the word UP , look it UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, UP takes UP almost a quarter of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, and if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but it’s time for me to wrap things UP because my time is UP. So I’ll shut UP. But before I go, I’ll leave you with a short quiz: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U P
- • • • •
A conversation with Jesus
With my recent retirement I have had much more time to reflect. Many times when I am troubled or confused I find comfort sitting in my back yard sipping a beer and having a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again yesterday after a particularly difficult day. I said “Jesus, why do I work so hard?”
And I heard the reply: “Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.”
I said: “I thought that money was the root of all evil.”
Jesus replied: “No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad.”
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question: “Jesus,” I said, “what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?”
He replied: “That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn.”
- • • • •
Separated in the Mall
A small boy who had been accompanied by his grandfather got lost while they were walking around a crowded shopping mall. Not knowing what to do, the boy approached a uniformed police officer, looked up at him and said, “I’ve lost my Grandpa.”
The cop looked down at the youngster and said, “What’s he like?”
The boy hesitated a moment, then blurted out, “Crown Royal and women with big boobs!”
• • • •
Spotted in a newspaper from the country to our north…
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past year, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Trump are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Rush Limbaugh.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, Unitarians and Hollywood refugees crossing their fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” said an Ontario border patrolman. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. “They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Trump administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the ’50s.
“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. “I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors and out-of-work Hollywood actors and actresses can one country support?”
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Mike Pence met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. “We’re going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. I can assure them that President Trump is determined to reach out to them,” he said.
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THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
April 3 — 10
April 3: We had a little bit of a weird day here at our office today because we had no college basketball games. All of the TVs were off. Nobody knew what to do. Someone said maybe we should work, and then everyone laughed and started checking Instagram again.
Last night Villanova beat Michigan to win the men’s college basketball tournament. We had about 75 people in our office pool and one of our producers, Gina, won it. She beat everybody. So I asked her today, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you follow college basketball?” She said, “Zero.” That’s how it goes. You know nothing and you win. Like being president in a way.
But congratulations to Villanova. March Madness is now over, and just like that, we have nothing to talk to our coworkers about until “Game of Thrones” comes back.
We are all in very good hands if there’s an earthquake tonight because Dwayne Johnson is here. The Rock is promoting a new movie called “Rampage,” which is based on either the classic video game or what happens when the president runs out of McNuggets.
April 4: I thought it might be nice to start the show on a positive note with a special message from a special man, the host of “The 700 Club,” Mr. Pat Robertson, with a thought for the day: “There’s nothing in the Bible about mermaids. I think they’re kind of half-fish and half-women. I don’t think that such a creature exists.” Well, thanks, Pat. I’m glad you finally cleared the mermaid controversy up.
A kid wrote in and asked Pat if the Bible said it was OK to play with mermaid toys. Good news, it is. Imagine if you go to Hell and it’s for that.
There’s new information about Donald Trump and the Russia investigation. According to The Washington Post, last month special counsel Robert Mueller told the president’s lawyers he was a subject of the investigation but not the target of the investigation. Which is kind of like when the principal at your school says, “I got my eye on you, mister.”
But Mueller told Trump that, while he is not a criminal target, he still needs to ask him some questions. Basically he’s treating the president like the guy who used to work with the woman who turned up dead on this week’s “Law & Order.”
Some people think he could be saying this to bait Trump into sitting down at an interview. If you want to bait Trump, you leave a trail of cheeseburgers. That’s how you bait him.
April 3: Welcome to everyone at home who’s getting ready for bed — and to all the students at Villanova who are still drunk from last night.
The NCAA Tournament wrapped up last night, with Villanova coming out on top! And if you won your office March Madness pool, congratulations — all of your coworkers hate you now.
But Villanova really played great. They beat Michigan 79 to 62. I’m not saying Villanova was cocky, but at halftime all five starters left for the NBA.
This week President Trump has been sending angry tweets about Amazon for the way they run their business. Then someone handed Trump some bubble wrap from an Amazon box, and he forgot all about it.
But after Trump attacked Amazon on Twitter, their stock fell by five percent. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to get Amazon’s stock to match his approval rating.
April 4: In a press conference, President Trump said that nobody has been tougher on Russia than him. In fact, last night he made sure to hit Putin extra hard during their pillow fight.
Speaking of Putin, Hillary Clinton just called the Russian president a world-class misogynist. When Trump heard that, he was like, “Wait, he gives massages too?”
Hillary also said that when Putin heard Angela Merkel is scared of dogs, he brought one to a meeting with her. Which explains why at his next meeting with Trump, Putin will bring a treadmill.
I read that dozens of Facebook accounts linked to the Kremlin have been taken down. Russian hackers didn’t mind. They were like, “Eh, even we don’t trust Facebook anymore.”
A lawyer for Stormy Daniels went on Megyn Kelly’s show today and said, “She can describe the president’s genitalia in great detail.” Then Americans were like, “PLEASE give her some more hush money.”
Trump has been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania were cast members on “Real Housewives.”
This week Trump said that two of the most incredible days of his life were spent in China – mainly because it was the closest he’ll ever get to seeing a great wall.
Today is Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s 10th wedding anniversary. Wow. Jay-Z told Beyoncé, “I love you so much and can’t imagine life without you.” And Beyoncé replied, “‘K.”
April 10: Yesterday the FBI raided the office of Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen. You know it’s bad when you call your lawyer and your lawyer’s like, “You’ve got to speak to my lawyer.”
The raid happened after the FBI got a search warrant. Trump was surprised to learn that you need permission before you can just start grabbing stuff.
It looks like Michael Cohen is in some serious trouble here. In fact, Cohen is so screwed that today he paid himself $130,000.
Today Mark Zuckerberg testified in Congress about Facebook’s data leak. His opening statement was six pages long. Or as your aunt calls that, one Facebook post.
April 3: President Trump said today that “Nobody’s been tougher to Russia than Donald Trump.” And Vladimir Putin said, “It’s true, he’s been a terrible employee.”
President Trump this morning on Twitter nicknamed former President Obama for the first time, and called him “Cheatin’ Obama.” Cheatin’ Obama? That’s a pretty lame nickname. You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy.
President Trump today attacked Amazon for the second time this week, tweeting, “I am right about Amazon costing the United States Post Office massive amounts of money for being their Delivery Boy.” This is when I appreciate Twitter. It used to be, if you wanted to hear a 71-year-old man whining about the post office, you had to go to the post office.
When asked about EPA leader Scott Pruitt today, President Trump said, quote, “I hope he’s going to be good.” You “hope he’s going to be good?” He’s a member of the Cabinet, not a golden retriever. What’s your official position on Congress? Do you “hope they stay off the furniture?”
April 4: According to The Washington Post, special counsel Robert Mueller informed President Trump’s attorneys last month that he is continuing to investigate Trump but does not consider him a criminal target at this point. Of course, that could change if Trump slips up and makes 50 more mistakes.
The lawyer for adult film star Stormy Daniels said in a new interview that Daniels can describe President Trump’s “genitalia in great detail.” And now EVERYONE wants her to sign a nondisclosure agreement.
The makers of Pokémon Go have announced that they will use the app to encourage and reward players for walking around and picking up garbage on Earth Day. While the makers of Tinder have ALWAYS encouraged people to pick up garbage.
Bed Bath & Beyond is currently offering store credit in exchange for Toys R Us gift cards. Said kids, “Umm… I guess the whiskey decanter?”
The manager at a Sonic restaurant in Mississippi recently posted a message asking customers not to smoke weed in the drive-thru. Meanwhile Taco Bell offered them a light.
April 10: The FBI yesterday raided the offices of President Trump’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, here at Rockefeller center. And while they were there, arrested a couple ladies for public intoxication.
According to ABC news, President Trump is less inclined to sit for an interview with special counsel Robert Mueller after the FBI raided his personal attorney’s office. I don’t know, man, I have a feeling that this was instead of that. I think they looked at you and they looked at your lawyer’s office and they said, “Which one of these is going to give us a straight answer?”
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg testified before a joint Senate commerce and judiciary committee today in front of a bunch of people whose password is definitely, “Password.” “In this book, how many pages does it have? I mean, it must be — if we all have it, there must be so many pages.”
Homeland Security adviser Tom Bossert resigned today. Wow, at this rate, Trump’s going to run out of people who will want to work in the White House and he’s going to have to hire Hillary Clinton himself.
April 10: Sources say the FBI raided Michael Cohen’s office to gather information on all of the women the President had affairs with. The raid is currently entering its 27th hour.
Experts say the majority of Facebook users had their data harvested from taking online quizzes. So, it’s worse than we thought – now, Russia also knows how stupid we are.
Sen. Lindsey Graham asked Mark Zuckerberg if there was anything else like Facebook, and Zuckerberg said, “No.” And at that exact moment, Tom from MySpace took his own life.
A motorcycle gang in Canada is attacking businesses they don’t like by giving them mass one-star reviews online. They’re the fearsome bad ass biker gang known as “Yelp’s Angels.”
April 10: Yesterday, the FBI raided the office of Donald Trump’s lawyer, looking for evidence of hush money paid to Stormy Daniels and other women. President Trump responded on Twitter, declaring, “Attorney-client privilege is dead!” For those of you who don’t know, “Attorney-client privilege” is when guilty people are able to talk freely to their lawyers about how incredibly guilty they are.
You have to give it to Trump, though. This is impressive. Do you know how hard it is to tweet and shred documents at the same time?
The workout company CrossFit is now getting into the meal delivery business. But their meal kit is getting mixed reviews because, well, it isn’t really a meal, it’s nothing but ten pounds of raw meat.
And you thought your dog chased the mailman before. It’s just giant slabs of meat all packed together. Oh, wait, that’s a CrossFit class, sorry.
INTERESTING HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED
While searching our Archives for a particular item we ran across the following quips about Hillary Clinton in the Nov. 21, 2007 from the-then late nite talk show hosts. See if you notice how the tone of their jokes have changed over the past 11 years…
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn’t take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she’s basically saying she wants to be president because she can’t do anything else. —Jay Leno
Well, the big story — Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she’s running? I think she finally wants to see what it’s like to sleep in the president’s bed. —Jay Leno
Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don’t like the idea, while others hate it. —Conan O’Brien
In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can’t find the tallest man in Afghanistan. Probably for the same reason she couldn’t find the fattest intern under the desk. —Jay Leno
Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton — when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank. —Jay Leno
Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch. —Craig Kilborn
A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He’s a law student, so he probably doesn’t need it, but still, that’s not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine. —Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton’s former business partners can vote for her in 2008. —Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton’s 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern. —Craig Kilborn
In Hillary Clinton’s new book ‘Living History,’ Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts. —Jay Leno
In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said “I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air. No, I’m sorry, that’s what Monica said. —David Letterman
Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same. —Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family. —David Letterman
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. —Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible, the one with only seven commandments. —David Letterman
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for what’s new.
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Let’s begin with the question, “Do cops cite fellow cops?” In general terms, THIS one-minute clip should answer that question. (1:01)
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Here’s a timely idea: Let’s blame the gun violence in America on the Ideal, Mattel and Marx toy companies. After all, it was their TV commercials in the ’50s targeting kids that turned an entire generation into a bunch of gun-loving nuts! But wait, how can that be? It’s not those of us in our 60s and 70s who are the problem. In the immortal words of Gilda Radner, “Never mind.” But check out THIS compilation video of TV ads anyway. (11:17)
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Want a good solid reason not to give in to beggars? HERE is the first of two clips that should serve as an example.(0:37)
And HERE is the second clip of a motorist who is having a bad day. (0:30)
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Speaking of bad days, take note of how close THIS kid comes to remaining childless for the rest of his life. (0:33)
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If you need a good laugh, focus on the antics of the guy in the helmet and Michelin jacket with the pepper spray we circled in red below. He was part of a protest in front of the Oakland coffee shop that has refused to serve cops. Watch as the guy jumps around as if someone stuffed a rabid squirrel down the front of his pants.
The video was posted by Ashton Birdie, who has a significant YouTube following and appears to be hoping to land a job as a part-time Fox News Contributor. And why not? It worked of Tomi Lahren.
Click HERE to view the Oakland protest. (7:50)
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This is why men should not take telephone messages for their wives or girlfriends…• • • • •
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David Byers was very impressed with this speaker at a City Council meeting in Greensboro, NC. So were we, and we are sure that most of you will be as well if you will take a couple of minutes and listen to what he says about a proposal to ban gun shows in his city. THIS guy definitely needs to run for office. (4:18)
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If Comrade Kosovilka keeps sending us these video clips of life in the former Soviet Union, such as this one that took place in Odesa, Ukraine on April Fool’s Day, some of you are likely to change your preconceived OPINION about the people of the former USSR. (1:30)
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You may find this clip of interest if you were a fan of the original “Mythbusters” that ran for a dozen seasons on the Discovery Channel. It covers some insights about the show that may SURPRISE you. (5:32)
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Speaking of Mythbusters, here’s a short clip that tells what the show’s lone female is up to now. Her name is Kari Byron, and she was a graduate of Los Gatos High. She and her two male co-stars were fired from the show over a salary dispute in Aug. 2014 according to THIS clip. (2:40)
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I thought this gal was as attractive with hair as without it at first blush. But when I caught a glance of her tatted up right arm at the 3:25 mark that was a deal breaker. I’m from the wrong generation to appreciate mega tattoos on ladies, and that includes the so-called “tramp stamps” that appear just above their BUTTS. But hey, that’s just me! (3:58)
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Can you handle a love story without getting choked up? Give it a shot. It’s about a guy and a goose, and it goes like THIS…(3:34)
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If you like happy endings, this Hope for Paws story about the rescue of a gentle giant named Everest will definitely fill the bill. Give it a LOOK. (4:36)
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While he was busy on another rescue, Eldad asked Lisa and JoAnn to respond and save THIS scared, homeless Bulldog/PitBull they named Tarzan. (4:14)
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Living in South Central L.A. is tough enough, and it’s worse if you happen to be a homeless dog. When Eldad and Lisa spotted THIS one on the streets they knew it needed to be rescued. (3:32)
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Behold these police canines in action…
When Dirk Parsons said this guy lost an engine, he means he literally LOST an engine. But there was some good news: it was easy to find. (0:31)
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Proof that a good woman is needed to bring balance to a man’s life…• • • • •
Recognize the gal in the hat? She is 36-year-old professional NASCAR and IndyCar racing driver Danica Patrick. THIS clip shows her pranking some people by going undercover as a Lyft driver. And if you want to know more about her, you can click this second LINK to visit her website. (3:00)
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This clip received from Lumpy has us perplexed; We can’t tell if what we are seeing is real or animations. We do know that video production has progressed to the point where it is virtually impossible in many cases to tell the real from the unreal. In either case, it is easy to become mesmerized by WATCHING this clip. (2:52)
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Here is an excellent public service ad from the UK that should be shown in EVERY high school here in the U.S. (0:40)
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Once in a while a video of an airliner making a tight turn in the landing pattern is so spectacular that it deserves to go viral. Have a LOOK at this clip and see if you can determine where the camera was located (on a hill, in a building, on a drone, in a helicopter?) (2:26)
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Speaking of airplanes, this strikes us as a crazy way to board one. WHAT say you? (2:22)
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As a war baby I have always been interested in the history of World War II, and one of my interests was the uncanny ability of the Brits to rebuild and restore London after much of it lay in ruin as a result of of Hitler’s bomber raids and his V-1 and V-2 rockets. On the other side of the Channel, of course, was Germany, where many of its cities also lay in ruin from attacks by the American and English bombers. One such city was Berlin, the last city to fall to the Russians and the Americans. Imagine what it must have been like to be a German citizen two months after the war ended and the city was under the control of the allies. THIS amazing color film that was shot in July 1945 will give you a good idea. (7:04)
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And finally, this week’s closer takes us over to Brentwood in CoCo County where the students at Heritage High showed a little love for their campus police officer, and THIS is how they did it. (5:56)
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Pic of the Week
Looks like the Dems are getting ready to pounce…