March 15, 2018
The Farsider is an independent publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association’s Board of Directors or its membership.
Another Nail in Pete Constant’s Coffin
On Friday, the POA received notice that the Sixth District Court of Appeal had rejected Pete Constant’s effort to keep litigating Measure B. Constant is a tired act and hopefully the curtain has come down on him for the last time.
You will recall that in the spring of 2016, when the City and the POA resolved the Quo Warranto lawsuit, Constant and his cronies on the Silicon Valley Taxpayers’ Association tried to intervene to defend Measure B. They were thrown out. By that time, even Chuck Reed realized Measure B was a disaster and endorsed Measure F, the Settlement Framework we negotiated to replace it. Like some deranged bat in the belfry, however, Constant wanted to keep fighting. He claimed he just wanted to let the voters vote — but then he kept litigating even after Measure F passed overwhelmingly in November 2016.
His appeal came up for a hearing on February 23 before a three-justice panel. The court kept pressing Constant’s attorneys to explain what they wanted to keep litigating about since Measure B was gone. They got no good answer, and the Court issued a 10-page decision (linked HERE) dismissing Constant’s lawsuit as “moot.” That is the legal term for saying there was no practical reason to keep the case alive; it served no purpose.
Good riddance, Pete Constant. He got what was his (disability retirement), and then tried to burn down the house for everyone else.
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
Officer Cleared in Fatal Shooting of Mentally Ill Man
—New county-police initiatives focus on improving first-response interactions—
By Robert Salonga <email@example.com>
Mercury News — March 15, 2018
SAN JOSE — A San Jose police officer was deemed legally justified when he shot and killed a violently mentally ill man who charged at him with a knife during a frantic encounter in front of the man’s home last year, according to the Santa Clara County District Attorney’s Office.
Joseph Tourino, 28, died the night of May 2 in front of his family’s home on Mt. Frazier Drive after police were called for reports of a father and son fighting, with both of them calling 911.
Officer Mario Martinez was one of the first officers to respond to the call, and was rushed by a pit bull as soon as he got out of his patrol car, then caught the sight of a man running at him, prosecutors said in a report on the shooting released Wednesday.
The advancing man, identified as Tourino, was holding a knife raised in his right hand and another knife in his left hand, according to the report and previous police accounts.
A backpedaling Martinez fired three shots at Tourino, hitting him once, authorities said. According to prosecutors’ Wednesday report, audio from Martinez’s body cam captured some of Tourino’s last words, including the statement, “It’s not your fault, officer. I wanted this … I hate myself.”
Tourino died hours later at a local hospital.
“Officer Martinez clearly had a genuine and reasonable belief that the decedent intended to stab and kill him with the knives and presented him with an obvious and imminent threat,” wrote supervising deputy district attorney Steven Dal Porto in the report. “The decedent’s declaration disturbingly underscores the decedent’s intention to bring about his own death through the very means by which it occurred.”
Tourino had long battled mental illness that often led to violent outbursts, his father told this news organization last fall. He was in and out of psychiatric facilities while his father and other family members tried desperately to get him admitted into a long-term residential treatment program, to no avail.
A couple of weeks before he was shot by police, Tourino, who had a chronicled past of suicidal behavior, tried to hang himself from a tree in his father’s front yard. Police also had a history of responding to calls involving Tourino.
The shooting also came amid renewed attention to efforts to bolster police officers who are increasingly becoming first-responders to mental-health crises. That includes new county initiatives to link officers more closely to clinicians with the aim of addressing mental-health issues before they escalate to violence.
PBA MEETS NEXT WEDNESDAY, MARCH
The PBA will convene its March general membership meeting and dinner next Wednesday, March 21st, at the POA Hall. The bar will open at 5:00 and dinner will be served around 6:00. All members are encouraged to attend.
Thursday, on my way to Copperopolis, I stopped by to visit John Kregel in Pleasanton. Just missed Phil Alfano who was visiting earlier. Of course I had to take Brandy, my Cocker Spaniel with me. We had a nice visit, although I had to do the talking, which was no problem for me. John’s stroke affects his ability to speak, but he acknowledged what was said. When we were leaving I asked him to say goodby to Brandy and he managed to say the word “Brandy!” I’m sure he enjoyed the visit and understood what was said. He’s in a nice place and I’m certain he enjoyed the visit. He is at a residential care facility at 3305 Hudson Ct. in Pleasanton, a couple of minutes off of Hwy 580 (E). Phone (925) 417-7301.
Jim Silvers <firstname.lastname@example.org>
John suffered a debilitating stroke several years ago and has required round-the-clock care ever since. Our last update on John appeared in the Dec. 14, 2017 Farsider and was authored by Phil Alfano:
I was visiting my uncle last week who lives in a care home in Pleasanton. I was informed that retired SJPD Officer John Kregel had just moved in. John had a stroke a few years ago and is unable to speak. I left word for his son Mark to let me know if it was alright to tell his friends of his father’s situation and he gave me the okay.
John is staying at Juliet’s Care Home, 3305 Hudson Ct., Pleasanton, CA 94588. Phone: 925-417-7301. I have visited John a few times. He smiles and shakes his head, but I am not sure how much he understands.
Phil Alfano <email@example.com>
• • • • •
In last week’s Farsider you asked for comments about the concerns you stated for the future of California with the rise in the number of Hispanics living in the state.
Here’s some information that might relieve some of your anxiety.
You’re certainly correct that the percentage of Anglos (whites) in the overall population mix within California has been steadily decreasing over the last several decades. The reason is partly due to the increase in the number Hispanics now living here which has recently surpassed the number of Anglos. But it is also due to the significant increase in our Asian/Indian population that has also affected these other two percentage numbers.
As pointed out in the chart that was included in the story you were commenting on, the percentage of Hispanics living in California is nearly an exact match with the percentage they now represent in the overall population of Texas. However, as compared to California where the annual number of new Hispanic arrivals has been steadily and significantly decreasing over the last 18 years, Texas’ has experienced a significant population rate increase over this same time period. It also shows that New Mexico has the highest percentage of Hispanics in the U.S. who account for 48% of its population. So, we’re not alone here. Click HERE.
To vote in California elections or serve in any elected position you must be a U.S. citizen. The number of illegal and visa holding but non-citizen Hispanic immigrants make up about 35% of the estimated 15 million Hispanics living here. That means a large number of Hispanics in the state can’t vote or hold office. For the numbers of Hispanics politicians to significantly increase or to be able to pass favorable ballot initiatives, it will be up to the non-Hispanic voters to make this happen.
The reason I say this is because of the math. While Anglos make up 43% of California’s adult population (over 18 years old) they constitute 61% of the state’s voters. In contrast, Hispanics make up 34% of the state’s adult population, but only 18% are voters. Asian Americans and African Americans make up most of the remaining 21%. Half (50%) of Democratic voters are Anglo and 24% are Hispanic, while 80% of Republican voters are Anglos and 10% are Hispanic. Among Independents, 57% are Anglos and 16% Hispanic. Click HERE.
To become a political powerhouse two major changes would need to occur. The illegal Hispanics that are already in California and those that will enter the state in the coming years won’t be able to vote or hold government office unless Congress passes a law that grants them immunity and the right to become citizens. Also, the percentage of Hispanic-Americans who choose to vote would also need to almost triple. I for one don’t see these two things happening.
Middle Ground <middleground5050.gmail.com>
You overlooked a couple of points, M.G.
First, the population chart in last week’s Farsider (below) was four years old. It would be interesting to see what changes have been made to California’s racial makeup over the past 48 months.
Second, California is chock full of liberal voters who tend to sympathize with ‘perceived’ minorities like Latinos, even though they now outnumber Anglos and all other races. And while it’s difficult to quantify as to how Asians and (East) Indians generally vote, my gut feeling is that they tend to vote for candidates on the Left.
Perhaps we will know how California is trending in the Anglo vs. Latino race for state control with the upcoming gubernatorial election where Politico scored the race a month ago as a TOSS UP between Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom and former L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Time will tell.
PAY JOBS AVAILABLE FOR POLICE RETIREES
There is an opportunity for retired SJPD officers to pick up a pay job in San Jose by providing security services for an after school program. The Association was made aware of this opportunity and is providing this as information to you. The Association is not a sponsor of the program or endorsing the employer.
The opportunity was brought forward by member Rich Saito and the details are as follows:
The After School Safety and Enrichment for Teens (ASSET) program is looking for retired SJPD officers to provide security for it’s after school program. This program is offered to high school youth at Mt Pleasant, Independence, Silver Creek and Oak Grove High Schools from 1500 to 1700 hours, Monday through Friday. The students volunteer or are referred to this program. This is not after-school detention. There have been no incidents in the past.
The officers would wear a SJPD or ASSET polo shirt and armed. The officers will have to complete the SJPD school pay job class and would be paid $40 per hour for the 2 hours per day. If you are interested, please contact Rich Saito at <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Ray Storms <email@example.com>
EMERALD SOCIETY REMEMBRANCE
WELCOME TO FIRST RESPONDERS NIGHT WITH THE GIANTS
NEW TIP-A-COP INFO
DON’T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF SITTING WITH YOUR BACK TO THE DOOR LIKE WILD BILL HICKOK
—Especially if you are holding Aces and Eights—
ABOUT THAT OAKLAND COFFEE SHOP WHERE POLICE ARE NOT WELCOME
Bill Leavy sent in an email with the subject reading “You can’t fix stupid.” In the body of the message was a link to a USA Today page with an entry from the restaurant in Oakland that refuses to serve the OPD Cops. Click HERE if you want to read the restaurant’s rationale.
MESSAGE TO COPS: WHY WRITE TICKETS ANYMORE?
With this L.A. Times article dating back to June of last year, we are surprised we haven’t heard more about this. Goes to show how far out of the loop we are.
California No Longer Will Suspend Driver’s Licenses for Traffic Fines
Associated Press — Los Angeles Times — Jun 29, 2017
Gov. Jerry Brown signed a bill on Tuesday to end the practice of
Californians losing their driver’s license because of unpaid traffic fines.
Californians no longer will face losing their driver’s licenses because of unpaid traffic fines starting next month.
Gov. Jerry Brown said the punishment doesn’t help the state collect unpaid fines and can send low-income people into a cycle of job losses and more poverty.
The policy will help ensure people’s lives are not derailed by traffic tickets, said Sen. Bob Hertzberg, a Van Nuys Democrat who has championed the issue in the Legislature.
Brown approved the provision as part of a series of bills he signed Tuesday to enact the state budget. It will prevent courts from suspending someone’s driver’s license simply because of unpaid fines.
Brown called for ending the practice in his January budget proposal, saying, “There does not appear to be a strong connection” between the license suspensions and collecting.
“Often, the primary consequence of a driver’s license suspension is the inability to legally drive to work or take one’s children to school,” the Democratic governor wrote.
In March, about 488,000 people had suspended driver’s licenses for unpaid traffic tickets or missing court appearances, according to data from the California Department of Motor Vehicles.
The new law will not apply retroactively to people whose licenses already are suspended for failing to pay fines, said DMV spokesman Artemio Armenta.
Opponents of the policy have argued driver’s license suspension is a useful tool to compel people to pay traffic fines.
Supporters say losing the ability to drive to work can prevent people from earning money and actually make low-income drivers less likely to pay fines.
Under the bill, courts still will be able to suspend licenses for other infractions, such as failing to appear in court.
Hertzberg said the new policy is a good first step in changing state law so it doesn’t punish people for being poor.
He has a related bill advancing through the Legislature that would allow low-income people who cannot afford their traffic tickets to ask a judge to lower fines or substitute them with community service.
PRETTY HARSH WORDS FROM A NATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT MAGAZINE
California Politicians are an Enemy of Law Enforcement
By Travis Yates — Opinion
Law Officer — Mar 13, 2018
After Whittier (CA) Officer Keith Boyer was gunned down by a parolee in 2017, Police Chief Jeff Piper had enough.
“We need to wake up. Enough is enough. You’re passing these propositions, you’re creating these laws that is raising crime … this is a senseless, senseless tragedy that did not need to be,” he said.
There were no consequences for Boyer’s death and Piper’s pleas fell on deaf ears when an assistant U.S. attorney warned the California judge not to release Thomas Little Cloud, saying he had talked about shooting police officers. Despite facing federal drug trafficking, counterfeiting, identity theft and weapons charges, he was released and a few months after the death of Officer Boyer, Sacramento Deputy Sheriff Bob French was murdered.
In December of that same year, California Highway Patrol Officer Andrew Camilleri was killed by a man that was arrested in 2013 for commercial burglary, which was then dropped to a misdemeanor and then dismissed.
None of this has occurred by chance.
California Governor Jerry Brown, politicians and the electorate have ensured that violence and the murder of police officers will be a mainstay in the Golden State for years to come.
In 2011, Governor Jerry Brown signed Assembly Bill 109, which moved certain felony offenders from state prisons to county jails.
Then California voters passed propositions 47 and 57. Prop 47 stopped some non-violent criminals from going into the prison system, while Prop 57 accelerates their departure from the system.
Brown advocated for Prop 57 in a radio ad campaign, where he said it allows inmates to earn credits through education and good behavior to “turn their lives around.”
In October 2016, L.A. County sheriff’s Sgt. Steve Owen was shot and killed by a twice-convicted felon out on parole.
Steve’s wife, Tania Owen, called Brown a “deceiver” for his endorsement of Proposition 57. I happen to agree.
Titled the “Public Safety and Rehabilitation Act of 2016,” there has been very little safety that has occurred since it’s passage.
Prior to the passing, Governor Brown recorded radio ads that ran across the state. “It allows carefully screened non-violent offenders, who’ve completed their primary sentence, to apply for parole – not necessarily get it.” the Governor said in one ad.
Except the the definition of “non-violent” as used in Prop 57 does include dangerous crimes including assault with a deadly weapon, hostage taking, human trafficking and a number of sex crimes.
Palm Springs Police Officer Jose Gilbert Vega and Lesley Zerebny were murdered by a gang member with a violent history but Prop 47 ensured that he was willing and able to kill two police officers.
Los Angeles County Sheriff Jim McDonnell also pointed to the measures enacted in the last seven years that he said have led to the release of too many criminals without creating a proper safety net of mental health, drug rehabilitation and other services. “We’re putting people back on the street that aren’t ready to be back on the street,” McDonnell said.
Violent crime has been rising in California and Las Vegas Metro Police Sheriff Joseph Lombardo is just one law enforcement leader citing California’s release of thousands of prisoners for the rise of violent crime in their communities.
California’s stance on illegal immigration is equally grieving. In October 2014, Luis Bracamontes, a repeat deportee and career criminal, murdered Deputy Danny Oliver and Detective Michael Davis.
Bracamontes admitted to killing the officers and in his trial said that he wished that he “had killed more of the motherf**kers,” adding that he will “break out soon and I will kill more.”
With the current attitudes and policies in the State of California, this coward won’t have to break out of jail. He may well be one of Governor Brown’s upcoming “rehabilitation” experiments.
After years of law enforcement attacks and murders, it is now clear that Brown and his cohorts are enemies of law enforcement.
The only question that remains is how many more of our heroes behind the badge will have to die before the electorate and others figure this out?
Travis Yates is a writer and editor at Law Officer. An ILEETA Trainer of the Year, his seminars in Risk Management and Officer Safety have been taught across the United States and Canada. Major Yates has a Master of Science Degree in Criminal Justice and is a graduate of the FBI National Academy. He is the Director of Training for SAFETAC Training <www.safetac.org> and the Founder of the Courageous Leadership Institute <www.courageousleader.org>, providing leadership consulting and training to law enforcement around the world.
GO AHEAD, JONESY, RUB IT IN…
Texas retiree and resident Russ Jones sent in an email in which he posed the question: “What’s the difference between California and Texas? And then he had the audacity to include the article below…
US Appeals Court Upholds Texas Law Targeting Sanctuary Cities
By Paulina Dedaj — Fox News — March 13, 2018
Gov. Greg Abbott, R-Texas, quickly took to Twitter to announce that the
“law is in effect” and that “allegations of discrimination were rejected.”
In a new ruling, a federal appeals court has upheld most of Texas law targeting sanctuary cities in what some are calling the toughest state-level immigration measure in the country.
Tuesday’s ruling by the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans allows police officers in Texas to ask people their immigration status during routine stops.
It also threatens officials with jail time for not cooperating with federal immigration authorities.
Republican Gov. Greg Abbott quickly took to Twitter to announce that the “law is in effect” and that “allegations of discrimination were rejected.”
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton also released a statement, applauding the decision and saying “dangerous criminals shouldn’t be allowed back into our communities” to potentially commit more crimes.
Tuesday’s ruling came just as President Donald Trump visited California to view prototypes for a border wall to better secure the nation’s southern borders.
“We are going to confront dangerous sanctuary cities,” Trump said during his visit. “I am calling on Congress to deliver a budget that protects our homeland and properly funds all of our law enforcement needs.”
Click HERE and scroll down to review the readers’ comments about this story.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
Received from Tom Kalinske
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls he had retrieved from a water hazard and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “Golf balls.”
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
• • • • •
The lost Irish hat…
Received from Bruce Morton
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
• • • • •
From the Archives
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said ,”I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?”
The woman said, “I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”
The woman nodded, “Pepper.”
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
Here is this week’s offering for you Anti-Trumpsters with a meme or two from the other side of the aisle tossed in for balance…
March 7 — 13
March 7: A town in Israel is building an amusement park that some are calling “the Jewish Disneyland.” The Jewish Disneyland still has Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, except Doc is the chief of cardiology at Cedars-Sinai.
The porn star that claims she had an affair with the president is now suing him. Man, it’s so weird – it’s almost as if we DID elect a Clinton!
Snapchat is laying off 100 employees. A spokesperson for the company said, “It’s weird, it’s like they were here a second ago and they just disappeared.”
Nickelodeon is bringing back the popular preschoolers’ TV show “Blue’s Clues.” There’s one slight change – Blue only solves triple homicides.
The new Florida weapons bill would allow librarians to arm themselves. Now, in a related story, talking in Florida libraries is down 99 percent.
It’s been reported that Britain’s Queen Elizabeth has made over $9 million betting on horse racing. When asked to comment, Queen Elizabeth said, “That’s nothing! I’ve won $20 million on dog fighting.”
March 8: It’s come out that under President Trump, abstinence-only education is making a comeback. In fact, Melania Trump said, “Abstinence saved my marriage!”
In the Northeast, 1 million people are without power because of a blizzard. And in Wisconsin, 1 million people are without power because of gerrymandering.
There’s an attempt to silence porn star Stormy Daniels by President Trump’s lawyer. It’s kind of sad that, in that sentence, the most degrading job mentioned was “President Trump’s lawyer.”
President Trump is planning a meeting about violence with the heads of the video game industry. However, some people worry that it’s just a trap so that Trump can deport the Mario Brothers.
March 12: The Trump administration is about to unveil its Middle East peace plan. It involves giving everyone guns.
In an interview, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos says she’s not unqualified for the job, just “misunderstood.” The actual word she used was “misunderstoodinated.”
Fox News is about to debut its new tagline. Instead of “fair and balanced,” they’re going with “thanks for watching, Mr. President.”
Beyoncé announced that she is going on tour this summer with Jay-Z. It’s the “I’m Keeping an Eye on Him” tour.
On Friday, Marvel announced that there will be a Black Panther sequel. Marvel’s CEO said, “It was a difficult decision but ultimately we decided to make another billion dollars.”
Costco is selling a Doomsday food kit that can feed a typical family for a year. Walmart sells the same kit, but it only feeds a typical Walmart family for six days.
A nightclub in Miami has lost its business license after a woman brought a horse onto the dance floor. In the nightclub’s defense, the horse’s ID looked real.
March 13: Under President Trump, abstinence-only education is making a comeback. Or as Trump told teenagers, “Do as I say, not as I paid someone $130,000 to shut up about my doing.”
President Trump fired his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, on Twitter. It makes sense when you consider that Trump hired Tillerson on Tinder.
Rex Tillerson reportedly doesn’t know why he was fired. At least, that’s according to Tillerson’s roommates, Sean Spicer and Omarosa.
“60 Minutes” just interviewed Betsy DeVos and they’re about to interview Stormy Daniels. That’s right, two women equally qualified to be education secretary.
HBO has hinted that the final season of “Game of Thrones” will include many, many deaths. In fact, HBO said if they run out of characters they’ll have to start killing people on the show “Ballers.”
Last week, Major League baseball team the Kansas City Royals hosted an anti-porn seminar. No one attended.
March 7: There was a huge blizzard on the East Coast today. On the bright side, it was nice to see something in a state of emergency other than the White House.
Last night Trump’s top economic adviser, Gary Cohn, announced he’s resigning. At this point, so many staffers have quit that when you call the White House, Trump answers the phone himself.
In his agreement with adult film star Stormy Daniels, Trump actually used a fake name for himself — David Dennison. Trump is denying this — and referred all questions to his spokesman, Dennis Dennison.
In his agreement with Stormy Daniels, Trump used a fake name. And Stormy said, “Well, he wasn’t the only one faking something.”
But today Stormy Daniels’ lawyer said that she is free to talk about her sexual relationship with Trump. Americans are like, “Great, just not while we’re eating.”
Nickelodeon just announced that they’re bringing back the show “Blue’s Clues.” They figure at this point it’s the only way to explain the Russia investigation to Trump.
This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it.
March 8: Today is International Women’s Day! Trump is thinking of making it a national holiday. Not because he supports women, but because he wants another day off.
In honor of International Women’s Day, Mattel is releasing a set of Barbies based on history-making women, like Amelia Earhart and Olympic gold medalist Chloe Kim. It’s called the Way Too Good for Ken Collection.
President Trump is flying to California next week for the first time since he took office. When asked if he’ll visit LAX he said, “I’ll visit my L.A. ex, my San Diego ex, my San Francisco ex. I have lots of exes all over the West Coast.”
More than 100 House Republicans have expressed deep concern over Trump’s new tariffs, because they think that it’ll hurt the economy. People on both sides of the aisle have spoken up about the issue. I’ll show you what I mean. First, Congressman David Price said, “Trump’s tariffs would ruin the economy. And the American people will pay the ultimate — well, my last name.”
And Congressman Tom Graves said, “It’s true, if you let these tariffs pass, we’ll be digging our own — well, my last name.”
And then Congressman Tom Rice said, “We’ll lose so much money the only food we’ll be able to afford is — well, my last name.”
And finally, Sen. Roy Blunt spoke up and said, “If this thing passes I’m going to smoke a giant — well, my last name.”
After Arie, “The Bachelor,” dumped Becca, lawmakers from her home state of Minnesota are trying to ban him from the entire state. You know you messed up when the nicest state in the country is like, “We can’t even with you. OK?”
Last night, Arie and his new fiancée, Lauren, were spotted on their first official date at a fancy restaurant in New York. The meal lasted forever, because Arie kept changing his mind about what to order.
Climate change could eventually wipe out crops like strawberries and grapes. Even worse, that means edible arrangements will soon be 100 percent cantaloupe.
March 12: You guys excited about March Madness? Not the basketball tournament — I’m talking about Trump’s speech over the weekend. On Saturday, Trump spoke at a big campaign rally in Pennsylvania. At one point, he said that he really can’t wait for 2020. While the rest of America was like, “Neither can we.”
Trump was in Moon Township, Pennsylvania. When he got to Moon Township, he was like, “Wow, this place looks exactly like Earth.”
Trump announced his 2020 campaign slogan will be “Keep America great!” Well, there were a bunch of other slogans he almost went with instead. For example, Trump also considered “I’m with hair.” He also thought about going with “I mean, it can’t get worse than it already is.” And finally he almost went with, “Come on, doesn’t some small part of you sort of want to see where this all goes?”
In a new interview, Elon Musk was asked who inspires him, and he said Kanye West. Kanye was like, “What a coincidence, the guy who inspires me is also Kanye West.”
Researchers just unveiled a robot that can play Scrabble. It’s pretty realistic. It even gets bored halfway through and stops playing.
In other tech news, engineers for Disney theme parks are developing technology to change a ride’s path depending how scared the riders are. And this is weird, Southwest Airlines is doing the same thing.
Yesterday was Selection Sunday, so March Madness has officially arrived. Twelve hours a day of college basketball — or as sports fans call it, payback for “The Bachelor.”
March 13: Today President Trump announced on Twitter that he fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. People said, “Can you believe that he was so disrespectful to a secretary of state?” Then Hillary Clinton said, “Yes, actually, I can.”
Tillerson only found out he was fired when Trump tweeted about it. Even Becca from “The Bachelor” was like, “Man, that’s cold.”
Tillerson learned he was fired by seeing the president’s tweet. It got even worse when Trump called him five minutes later and asked him why he didn’t retweet it.
In the past few weeks, Gary Cohn, Hope Hicks, and now Rex Tillerson have all left the White House. Most people have said they’re shocked — while Betsy DeVos was like, “Wait, how the hell am I still here?”
People close to Tillerson said there wasn’t a single hint that he’d be fired. Though in fairness, there was one huge hint — he worked for Donald Trump.
Trump has been telling people that he fired Rex Tillerson all by himself. Trump brags about firing people the same way a toddler brags about using the bathroom alone for the first time.
March 7: President Trump’s chief economic adviser Gary Cohn announced his resignation yesterday, which means Trump is now down [photo of Magic 8-Ball] to just one adviser.
Adult film star Stormy Daniels sued President Trump yesterday, alleging that their nondisclosure agreement is not valid because he never signed it. And that sound you just heard was Melania dumping out her desk drawer, looking for the marriage certificate. “Maybe he didn’t, maybe he didn’t, maybe he didn’t, maybe he didn’t… Awwww!”
Law experts are saying that some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniels’ nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have some lurid photos that were taken during their sexual encounters. Said Trump, “Fake nudes!”
A British trade official said today that the British government is very disappointed in President Trump’s proposed tariffs on steel and aluminum imports. And “very disappointed” is strong language for the British. In fact, it’s their highest level on the Terror Alert System.
In a new interview, Vladimir Putin said that he has no disappointment in President Trump. Putin even said he would happily vote for Trump again.
Putin also called sanctions against Russia illegitimate and unfair, adding, “Those who serve us with poison will eventually swallow it and poison themselves.” By the way, that’s also what it says under Russian Snapple caps.
Wildlife experts are reportedly puzzled as to why a pair of bald eagles at the National Arboretum, named Mr. President and The First Lady, have not yet laid an egg this spring. Though they haven’t really been getting along since Mr. President had that affair with Storky Daniels.
March 8: In honor of International Women’s Day, McDonald’s is flipping its golden arches to resemble a W instead of an M. And we can’t even show you what they did over at Hooters.
President Trump will visit California next week to view eight border wall prototypes. Eight? How hard is a wall?
A Washington State woman has been charged with attempted murder for allegedly attacking her boyfriend with a samurai sword after she found the dating app Tinder on his phone. When reached for comment, the man said, “THIS, Rebecca. THIS is the kind of stuff I’m talking about.”
March 12: President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un will reportedly meet within the next two months. Unfortunately, it’ll be a private meeting so here’s a picture of “Alien vs. Predator.” So you get the gist.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Thursday invited President Trump to meet for negotiations over the country’s nuclear program. Now, Trump thinks it’s because Kim Jong Un respects him, but I think it’s more like when you’re having a high-stakes poker game and your friend goes, “Oh, I love poker, but I’m not very good at it.” And then you go, “Oh, you should definitely come. Bring your checkbook. You should definitely come.”
Daylight Savings Time began yesterday where we all lost an hour of sleep — and somehow Ben Carson gained four.
A source recently told The Washington Post that President Trump still views Ivanka as “his little girl” and he views Eric as seldom as possible.
The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has endorsed the Republican candidate in Pennsylvania’s special congressional election and warned in an editorial that electing a Democrat would create distractions in Washington. Unfortunately for them, the editorial was overshadowed [shows headline “Trump Sued by Porn Star”] by a distraction in Washington.
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos this weekend spoke at a gala for the Explorers Club where attendees dined on a menu made from invasive species like tarantula, cockroach, and roasted iguana. Though there’s still no species more invasive than Amazon.
SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said this weekend that the first spaceship that could potentially carry humans to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. Adding that it’s difficult, dangerous, and that there’s a good chance you’ll die. “Sign me up,” [shows photo of Melania] said a rich woman.
The owner of a Greek soccer team this weekend stormed onto the field during a match waving a handgun. So long story short, soccer is now the official sport of the NRA.
March 13: Well, congratulations to everyone who had Rex Tillerson in their office pool. President Trump has fired Rex Tillerson, his secretary of state, which I think means the only remaining White House staffers are Mike Pence and a Roomba.
President Trump this morning cited differences of opinions on the Iran nuclear deal as motivation for firing Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. You see, Tillerson thinks the Iran nuclear deal is necessary for global stability. While Trump thinks Iran is Iraq.
President Trump tweeted last night, “THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE HAS FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF COLLUSION OR COORDINATION BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND RUSSIA,” and then he tweeted, “CAN SOMEONE HELP ME TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK BUTton oh there it is never mind.”
According to CNN, President Trump has been told by advisers not to fight Stormy Daniels’ decision to break her confidentiality agreement because it would make him look guilty. Though not as guilty as, say, HAVING a confidentiality agreement. Nobody makes you sign a confidentiality agreement when they’re proud of what they did.
According to reports, Taco Bell has sold 53 million orders of its nacho fries. The fries are so successful they’re thinking about expanding into Mexican food.
Fitness tracker Fitbit has announced it will introduce the first band dedicated to kids, called the Fitbit Ace. It will provide them with custom health reports, like “Tommy, if you keep doing that so much you’ll go blind.”
A judge has ruled on the dispute over who will be allowed to take custody of the body of notorious serial killer Charles Manson. So, congratulations to Hard Rock Cafe!
March 7: Yesterday after the resignation of President Donald Trump’s top economic adviser Gary Cohn, Trump tweeted, “We’ll be making a decision soon on the appointment of new chief economic adviser. Many people wanting the job. Will choose wisely!” And then people who voted in 2016 were like, “Oh, yeah, that’s what we should have done. Should have chosen more wisely.”
Trump saying “many people want the job” is the political equivalent of “my girlfriend is totally real – just goes to a different school in Canada.” When Trump says many people want the job, what he means is many people want to work for three months, resign, and get a million dollars to write a book.
Honestly, I think they should give the job to Arie from “The Bachelor,” don’t you think? Why not? He doesn’t know anything about economics. Everybody already hates him. He’s perfect for the Trump administration.
Adult film star Stormy Daniels is back and this time she’s suing Trump claiming that a 2016 hush agreement preventing her from discussing their affair is invalid because, get this, Trump never signed it. This is amazing, mostly because it’s the first time Trump has ever not put his name on something.
But it does raise the question, how many porn star hush agreements does Trump have that he actually forgot to sign one?
It gets even worse for the president, because the hush agreement [implies] that Stormy Daniels may have confidential photos of Donald Trump, which sounds like a threat — not to him, to the rest of us.
If there are naked pictures of Donald Trump, they can go ahead and stay hushed — that’s what I’m saying.
Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, was sent to Mexico today to head up the United States delegation to meet with the Mexican president. When they heard Kushner was going to visit, Mexico announced that they are going to go ahead and put that wall up themselves.
March 8: There’s more news out of the Russia investigation. For months, the FBI has been questioning witnesses about possible collusion between the Trump administration and Russia, and according to a new report, Donald Trump has been asking the witnesses what questions came up in the interview. Trump’s basically that kid who didn’t study for a test and he’s like, “What did you get for number two?”
Senators in Rhode Island are proposing a new bill that would charge residents a one-time fee of $20 to access online pornography. Twenty dollars to access porn, but it’s $40 if you want it to show up as “Starbucks” on your credit card bill. State budget experts say this new porn bill could be profitable. They say it could generate roughly $13 gazillion.
Apple’s new futuristic headquarters, Apple Park in Cupertino, California, is having some problems. The building is filled with so much clear glass that employees have reportedly been walking into glass walls. I guess Apple shouldn’t have installed windows.
Apparently some of the glass has even started to crack. But honestly, they might just ignore it for now. It’ll just be too expensive to get fixed, and while it does look bad, the actual building works fine. Might as well just wait for the new headquarters to come out.
March 13: There was some shocking news out of Washington this morning. Donald Trump fired his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson. This surprised me mostly because I thought Tillerson got fired months ago. If you don’t know who Rex Tillerson is, he’s the old, rich white guy that worked for Trump. No, not that one, the other one. No, not that one either.
After the firing, Trump said, “I think Rex will be much happier now.” That is literally what you tell little kids when the family dog dies. “I think Rex will be much happier now. He’s going to go live on a farm.”
But here’s the craziest part: Initial reports said Rex Tillerson found out he was fired over Twitter. Because, apparently, a Snapchat story just wasn’t presidential enough.
Here’s what Trump tweeted: “Mike Pompeo, director of the CIA, will become our new secretary of state. He will do a fantastic job! Thank you to Rex Tillerson for his service! Gina Haspel will become the new director of the CIA, and the 1st woman so chosen. Congratulations to all!” Congratulations to all? Did he just congratulate someone that he fired? Then again, maybe even Trump realizes that getting to leave his White House calls for a celebration.
But this story gets even weirder because, a few hours later, Trump also fired Rex Tillerson’s undersecretary of state for contradicting Trump’s account of how Rex Tillerson was fired. Congratulations to all!
So now, Trump is firing staffers over the firing of other staffers. This is like the movie “Inception,” except with uglier people.
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for the most current update.
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Dennis McKenzie says this is an amazing example of why you should not judge a book by its cover. Watch 16-year-old Charlotte and 17-year-old Jonathan bring down the HOUSE on this UK version of Britain’s Got Talent. (7:30)
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This magic act on “Pilipinas Got Talent” (their spelling, not mine) hasn’t been seen by many people in the U.S., but that’s not to say it wasn’t an impressive performance. Click HERE and see if you agree. (3:46)
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This is another clip from the UK, but the venue in this item is Heathrow Airport in London. A school girl is killing some time by playing a piano in the concourse when two airline pilots rudely push her aside. WATCH what happens next. (4:03)
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For those of you who missed and/or forgot about the earlier clips, this is the third appearance of the Ross Sisters in the Farsider over the past 10 years. Although they have passed on, these three ladies left an indelible mark with their unforgettable dance performance in the 1944 musical “Broadway Rhythm.” Stick with the clip for 60 seconds and you will see what made their dance routine so unique. By 1950, they all had married and went their separate ways. One passed away in 1963, a second sister died in 1996, and the third in 2002. Click HERE and prepare to be amazed, and don’t be surprised if you feel the sensation of a slightly sore back. 3:50)
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If flatulation skits make you uncomfortable (gassy perhaps?), skip this and move on to the next item. This clip received from Lumpy should serve as a reminder that a phart is nothing more than the “movement of air.” But keep your eye on the candle as it changes the dynamics of THIS Aussie couple’s restaurant experience and those of the other diners. (2:09)
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One thing about the Nurburgring race track in Germany that is unique is that you can pay a fee and take anything you want on the track and go as fast as your vehicle is capable of going. Like on Germany’s Autobahn, however, slower traffic is supposed to stay to the right. HERE are some examples. (4:41)
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While letting the tail end of your car hang out here in corners here in the U.S. is still fashionable (it’s called Drifting), Saudi Arabia prefers the thrill of driving on two wheels. THIS short clip from Les Nunes shows how it is done. (0:40)
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Ever wonder what it’s like for new Navy and Marine fighter pilots to land on a carrier for the very first time. THIS video from Russ Russell will show you what’s involved. (6:52)
Postscript: I sent this video to my nephew who retired from the Corps 2 years ago as a LtCol in charge of an F/A-18 squadron based at Miramar in San Diego and asked if he recognized anyone? His response: “I went to the boat for the first time in the same aircraft (the T-45, which was new back then) 22 years ago at the end of flight school. That said, I don’t recognize any of these guys. Guess it’s proof that I’m getting old!”
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Eldad teamed up with Loreta from Hope for Paws to rescue a scared little puppy that was hiding in the bushes. After a bath and a check-up, the pup wound up in a FOSTER home playing with another dog, a fox and a pig. (4:05)
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Lisa and JoAnn responded to rescue a Pit Bull they named Zelda that had been abandoned in Turnbull Canyon in L.A. County before its life was THREATENED by coyotes and/or the heat. (2:35)
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This mother and her puppy were rescued by Eldad and Lisa from a trash bin in a construction area where they had been living. Local kids had already taken all but one of the PUPPIES in the litter. (5:57)
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There is no question that this brother and sister understand English, but it appears that their loyalty to one another is seriously lacking. Which one stole the cookie off the counter? Watch THIS. (2:42)
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Can a bull see below eye level? That’s the question posed by this video received from Lumpy. Since I always pull for the bull when I see one enters an arena, I would have been happy to outfit the critter in this video with a super-sized pair of bifocals had I known THIS event was going to take place (1:50)
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Taras Kul is a professional YouTuber who is also known as the “Crazy Russian Hacker.” He is a 31-year-old Ukranian-born immigrant to the U.S. who has found a niche that has rewarded him handsomely by reviewing different products and posting the review on one of his two YouTube channels (“Taras Kul” and “Crazy Russian Hacker”)
Don’t scoff, he has made a fortune with this endeavor. According to Wikipedia, “His YouTube channel, “Crazy Russian Hacker,” created in 2012, has over 2.2 billion views and 10 million subscribers (as of Feb. 2018) and is one of YouTube’s top 200 channels. He has an estimated net worth of around $7 million and also a second YouTube channel, “Taras Kul” with over 3 million subscribers (as of Feb. 2018).”
Taras averages 2 to 3 reviews a week of unique products, many of which he finds on Amazon. Since posting a video on YouTube is free, his out-of-pocket expense for each review is for the product only. THIS review was posted on his “Taras Kul” channel on Tuesday of his week. (9:20)
Click HERE for more about Taras Kul, a/k/a the Crazy Russian Hacker.
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The most famous photograph in all the world (and OF the world) was a group effort by Apollo 8 astronauts Frank Borman, Jim Lovell and Bill Anders a half-century ago. It’s not a stretch to think of this clip about “EARTHRISE” as candy for the mind. (6:53)
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This week’s closer is a special kind of musical that features Trials rider Danny MacAskill and the beautiful scenery of Scotland. IMPORTANT: When you get to the 4:27 mark and it looks like the video is over because it fades to black, keep watching and you will see, along with the credits, some of the outtakes that show Danny’s riding skills are close to, but not absolutely perfect. If you are ready, click HERE and enjoy Danny MacAskill’s… (6:23)
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Have a good week.
Pic of the Week
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 3/15/18
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
Bruce Ady — Address change
Thomas Sandoval — Added
To receive the email address of anyone on the list — or to receive the roster with all of the email addresses — send your request to <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark “Mo”
O’Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve