Feb. 8, 2018
The Farsider is an independent publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
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the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association’s Board of Directors or its membership.
CHAPLAIN DAVE BRIDGEN’S MEMORIAL CEREMONY ON VIDEO
Below is a link to a video of the Celebration of Life for San Jose Police Chaplin Dave Bridgen who passed away after battling Parkinson’s decease. He was a Vietnam veteran who cared for so many officers in the best and worst of times. The impact this man had on our police family as well as other local law enforcement agencies cannot be measured. We are deeply grateful for his years of passionate service to those who served.
“We not only lost a Chaplain, but a great man who touched many lives.” —Chief Eddie Garcia
Click HERE to view the video that was filmed, edited and posted on YouTube by Brook Dain of the San Jose Police Video Unit.
BILL SMITH’S CELEBRATION OF LIFE REMINDER
A Celebration of Life for Bill has been scheduled for 2:00 p.m. this Saturday, Feb. 10, at the Elk’s Lodge on Alma St. in San Jose. Questions can be directed to Betty Smith at <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
CELEBRATION OF LIFE REMINDER FOR JOHN REINERT
A Celebration of Life event for John Reinert will be held at the POA Hall this coming Sunday, Feb. 11, from 2:00 to 5:00 p.m. All of John’s friends and former coworkers are cordially invited to attend. Contact Scott Cornfield at <email@example.com> for more information.
UPDATE ON NORV PULLIAM
As of today, Norv is located at Advanced Healthcare in Reno, 775-470-2000, Rm 235. Direct line 775-477-7235. Best time to call is after 1800 hrs. due to extensive therapy during the day. Wife and daughter are there from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Has dinner around 1800 hrs. Let the phone to the room ring a long time. Expects to be there for about a month unless he escapes.
Bob (Moir) <firstname.lastname@example.org>
The February 2018 eVanguard is now online. Hard copies of the magazine will be arriving in the mail soon.
Click HERE to go to the POA website, then on the image of the Vanguard to download it to your desktop.
It has been said and bears repeating that so goes PERS and the other retirement systems in the state will usually follow, which is why we are including this article from the Sacramento Bee…
Pension Costs ‘Unsustainable,’ California Cities Say
By Adam Ashton <email@example.com>
Feb. 3, 2018 — Sacramento Bee
Cities that belong to the California Public Employees’ Retirement
System released a report that calls pension costs “unsustainable.”
Most California cities expect their spending on public employee pensions to climb by at least 50 percent over the next seven years, restricting their ability to fund basic services like public safety and parks, according to a study their lobbying organization released on Thursday.
The report escalates the League of California Cities’ appeal for more flexibility in negotiating pension obligations. Almost all of California’s cities belong to the $360 billion California Public Employees’ Retirement System, and some cities over the past year have raised increasingly loud complaints that fee hikes from the pension fund are “crowding out” other spending priorities.
The new report warns that pension costs are becoming “unsustainable.”
“The impact of pension costs are becoming such a large element of city costs that it is inevitably going to cause the reduction of services somewhere,” said Dan Keen, a retired Vallejo city manager.
The league developed its study by conducting a survey of its members and hiring an accounting firm to review CalPERS’ financial statements. About 170 cities responded to the survey.
By 2024, cities anticipate that they will spend an average of 15.8 percent of their general fund budgets on pensions, up from an average of 8.3 percent today. About 10 percent of cities anticipate spending more than 21 percent of their general fund budgets on pensions in 2024.
Cities are spending more on pensions because of several changes CalPERS has made to shore up the retirement fund, such as lowering its investment forecast. Because the fund expects to earn less money from its investments, government agencies must kick in more money to pay for their workers’ pensions. CalPERS now expects to average 7 percent earnings on its investments each year, down from its previous projection of 7.5 percent.
CalPERS is doing well in the stock market this year, with its portfolio gaining almost $40 billion since July. But the system is underfunded overall. Its assets are worth about 68 percent of what it owes to retirees and public workers.
The league report paints cities as having few options. It notes that they could raise taxes, create special funds to pay down their pension liabilities ahead of schedule, reduce services or bargain changes in compensation plans with their unions.
Cities don’t have a totally free hand in bargaining, however. For instance, they’re barred from tinkering with cost-of-living adjustments that retirees receive in their pensions.
“These pressures are not only mounting, but will force cities to make very tough choices in the next seven years and beyond,” said League of California Cities Executive Director Carolyn Coleman.
Public employee unions generally want more time for CalPERS to recover from its recession investment losses. A pension law Gov. Jerry Brown signed in 2012 eliminated generous retirement plans that the Legislature offered to public employees during the Dot Com boom, a change that’s intended to gradually bring CalPERS back to full funding because it applies only to workers hired after Jan. 1, 2013.
Brown at a news conference last month predicted the next recession will force even bigger changes on California public pension plans. In a high profile court case, his office is advocating for an end to the legal precedent that prohibits public agencies from reneging on pension promises without offering workers other compensation.
Dave Low, president of the union that represents classified school employees, said local governments are paying more for pensions because CalPERS has responded to criticism by moving to more conservative projections.
“This is a long-term process,” he said. “Pensions are one piece of compensation. When we go to the table, everything is on the table, health care, wages, step increases. They have a lot of control in compensation.”
California’s two major public pension systems are underfunded and are asking local governments to pay more. Critics want to reduce benefits, while others say policymakers should allow time for recent changes to take hold.
Click HERE to watch the video (1:44)
You may find this interesting, funny or both. Listen as these John Jay College of Criminal Justice students criticize quotes from Trump’s State of the Union Address, then find out they were actually from Obama’s. The video is attached.
Talking Points <Talking.Points@comcst.net>
JoeMac received his Bachelor’s degree from John Jay College, and while he wasn’t what one would describe as an ardent conservative, you can bet he would be embarrassed by these students who we assume were chosen at random. Click HERE to view the video. (3:02)
• • • • •
I dare you to listen to this interview with Nancy Pelosi and understand what she says…
Alice Murphy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Oh yeah? Well I double-dare you! Click HERE if you want to accept that double-dare challenge.
READY FOR SOME CIOPPINO (AND/OR CHICKEN)?
The Cioppino Feed is on again. Great news: MMOC has set up online registration at <www.mmoc.org> for folks who would prefer to register there.
Kim Wirht <email@example.com>
CALLING ALL POKER PLAYERS
IT’S TIP-A-COP TIME AGAIN…
SUPPORT THE EMERALD SOCIETY’S FUNDRAISER
You are invited to join the members and friends of the San Jose Police Emerald Society for the following week’s St. Patrick’s Day! The price includes a corned beef and cabbage buffet with all the fixin’s, two drink tickets, bagpipe music, Irish folk music and a DJ. There will also be a silent auction and raffle. Refer to the flyer below…
Some pics are posted on Facebook that are just too good to ignore. This one of Rob Reek, Cynthia Johnson, Charlie Roy and Jim “JC” Carlton is a perfect example. So why are they all smiles. We’re thinking it may have something to do with the fact that they call themselves “Hawaiians.” We heard that David “Baci” Bacigalupi would have also been in the photo, but he bugged out shortly before the shutter went “click” to mix up a batch of Mai Tais. Too bad, so sad.
THIS LADY SAYS IT ALL…
Bill Leavy’s comment was short and sweet. “This lady says it all.” He was referring to the comment below from Karen Vaughn, mother of Navy Chief Special Warfare Operator (SEAL) Aaron C. Vaughn, who died when the Chinook helicopter he was riding in was shot down…
“Sometimes God uses the no-nonsense, salty sailor to get the job done. Appreciating what the man is doing doesn’t mean we worship the salty sailor or even desire to be like the salty sailor. It doesn’t even mean God admires the salty sailor. Maybe He just knows he’s necessary for such a time as this.
I believe with all my heart that God placed that salty sailor in the White House and gave this nation one more chance in November 2016. Donald Trump is what he is. He is still the man he was before the election. And without guilt, I very much admire what that salty sailor is accomplishing.
He’s not like me. That’s okay with me. I don’t want to be like him. I will never behave like him. I know we’ve NEVER had a man like him lead our nation. It’s crazy and a little mind blowing at times. But I can’t help admire the ability he has to act with his heart rather than a calculated, PC, think tank-screened, carefully edited script. I still believe that is WHY he became our President and WHY he’s been able to handle a landslide of adversity and STILL pass unprecedented amounts of good legislation for our country AND do great works for MANY other nations, including Israel.
I’m THRILLED with what he’s doing for my nation, for the cause of Christ (whether intentional or unintentional, doesn’t matter to me), and for the concept of rebuilding America and putting her FIRST. I will not be ashamed of my position because others don’t see him through the same lens.
Should it matter to me if a fireman drops an f-bomb while he’s pulling me from a burning building? Would I really care about what came out of his mouth in those moments? Heck no! I’d CARE about what he was DOING. He wasn’t sent there to save my soul and I’m not looking to him for spiritual guidance. All I’m thinking in those moments is, “Thank you, Jesus, for sending the fireman.”
I’ll say this again below for those who still might not understand me.
This man is crass. Okay. He’s not careful with what he says. Okay. You feel offended that he’s not a typical statesman. Okay. But he is rebuilding the nation my son died for…the nation I feared was on a fast track to becoming a hopeless cause. Forgive me if I’m smiling.” —Karen Vaughn
HOW A SIMPLE ERROR IN JUDGEMENT CAN TARNISH A RESTAURANT CHAIN
Uniformed Officer Kicked Out of Outback Steakhouse for Having a Gun
By Holly Matkin — Blue Lives Matter — Feb. 2, 2018
A uniformed Tennessee officer was asked to leave an
Outback restaurant because he was carrying his duty weapon.
Cleveland, TN – A uniformed Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency (TWRA) officer said that Outback Steakhouse management asked him to leave the Cleveland restaurant on Friday night, because he refused to remove his duty weapon from their “gun free zone.”
TWRA Officer Andrew Ward explained the interaction in a Facebook post, and called the situation “a first.”
“While I was at work tonight (in uniform) I stopped by Outback Steakhouse to eat supper with my wife,” he wrote in the post. “I was approached by the manager and asked if I would put my gun in my truck. I let her know that I couldn’t because I was in uniform.”
Officer Ward said that the manager left for a moment to go make a phone call, but then soon returned to his table.
“We were asked to leave because Outback is a gun free zone,” Officer Ward wrote.
The officer defended the manager in his post, and seemed to recognize that she was delivering a message that was made by someone above her pay grade.
“I don’t blame the manager…but this is ridiculous and we will never go back there ever again,” Officer Ward continued. “What is this country coming to? A uniformed Law Enforcement Officer who is sworn to protect and serve the public, is refused service because they have a firearm! I am disgusted and have no other words!!!”
Approximately two hours later, Officer Ward posted an update on the situation.
“The manager has apologized…and stated a lady sitting next to our table felt scared for her life!” the officer wrote. “She said police are shooting people and she could have gotten shot in the parking lot and the manager had to walk…her and her husband to their vehicle.”
“Seriously she was scared for her life?” Officer Ward asked. “We were joking and laughing with our server as we ordered then prayed. What was scary about that?”
In addition to her apology, Officer Ward said the manager told him he would be receiving a $100 gift card, redeemable at multiple restaurants.
“We’ve always allowed uniformed law enforcement officers to carry their side arms inside our restaurants,” Outback’s parent company, Bloomin Brands, said in a statement to WTVC. “A manager made a mistake and we have discussed this with her. We have contacted the guest personally and apologized.”
“The amount of support our community has shown us is truly humbling,” Officer Ward said in a final post on the matter. “Outback has called and apologized to me and my family and we have truly accepted this apology. There was a mistake made and that’s it… we all make mistakes…and must move forward with our lives.”
“I have spoken with the manger involved, the regional manager and the Vice President of operations for Outback today,” the officer told WTVC in a text message.
“They have apologized profusely and I have accepted their apology and the issue in my opinion has been concluded,” he said.
Do you think that this incident will negatively affect your opinion of Outback Steakhouse? We’d like to hear from you. Please let us know in the comments.
Click HERE and scroll down o review the readers’ comments about this story.
SCORE ONE FOR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM IN CALIFORNIA
Had the Kern County (Bakersfield) judge who issued the ruling would probably have been run out of town had he ruled any other way.
Forcing Bakers to Make Gay Wedding Cakes Violates Free Speech, California Judge Rules
By Aaron Colen — Staff writer
The Blaze — Feb. 6, 2018
A Kern County judge recently ruled that the state could
not force a California bakery owner to bake a cake that
would go against her beliefs. The U.S. Supreme Court is
hearing a civil rights case over a Colorado baker’s refusal
to make a wedding cake for a same-sex couple.
A ruling in favor of a California baker who refused to design a wedding cake for a gay couple produced a potentially significant distinction that could impact future similar cases.
Kern County Judge David Lampe ruled that the state could not force Cathy Miller, owner of Tastries Bakery, to bake a cake that would go against her beliefs, according to Kern Golden Empire.
“For this court to force such compliance would do violence to the essentials of Free Speech guaranteed under the First Amendment,” the judge said in the ruling.
How did he come to that decision?
A key factor in the decision was that the cake being requested by the couple was a custom job that was not regularly sold by the bakery.
The implication is that if the couple had requested a cake that was on display and routinely sold to other customers, it would be discriminatory to refuse to sell it to a gay couple on the basis of religious beliefs.
Here’s more from the ruling: “A wedding cake is not just a wedding cake in Free Speech analysis. It is an artistic expression by the person making it that is to be used traditionally as centerpiece in the celebration of marriage. There could not be greater form of expressive conduct.”
The judge also noted that Miller recommended the couple go to a competitor to get their cake.
“Furthermore, here the State minimizes the fact that Miller has provided for an alternative means for potential customers to receive the product they desire through the services of another talent. The fact that Rodriguez-Del Rios (the couple) feel they will suffer indignity from Miller’s choice is not sufficient to deny constitutional protection,” the judge wrote.
What was the baker’s reaction?
“Our bakery and our family feel very blessed that the judge ruled in our favor,” Miller said. “Not to say that we want to be discriminatory, but we do need to stand up for our religious freedom and our freedom of speech.”
How did the couple respond?
The couple that sued Miller has not released a statement yet, but their attorney claimed to not be surprised by the ruling.
“This is only the beginning. It is just one battle in the war against discrimination,” the couple’s attorney said.
Click HERE then scroll down to review the readers’ comments about this article.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
Breaking News from Washington, D.C.
Received from Tom Weston
President Trump was walking out of the White House and headed toward his limo when a possible assassin stepped forward aiming a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouted, “Mickey Mouse!” This startled and distracted the would-be assassin who was captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor took him aside and asked, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replied, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, ‘Donald duck!’ “
• • • • •
An Irishman’s first drink with his son…
Received from Tom Weston
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn’t. I drank it.
I thought maybe he’d like whisky better than beer, so we tried a Jameson’s. Nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest whisky. He wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn’t like anything with alcohol in it, I was so stinkin’ drunk I could hardly push his stroller back home!
• • • • •
Through the Pearly Gates…
Received from David Byers
The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last several decades.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
When they reached the pearly gates St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. “What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts and free flowing beverages.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man, “this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied, “you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?”
“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my blood sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your freakin’ bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!”
Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it?
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
Here is this week’s offering for you Anti-Trumpsters mixed with a few memes from the other side of the political spectrum…
Jan. 31 — Feb. 5
Jan. 31: In his speech last night, President Trump said, let us “set aside our differences and seek common ground.” Trump said this because like any good speaker, he always opens with a joke.
In last night’s speech, President Trump reportedly didn’t stray from the teleprompter once. Friends are saying it’s the longest Donald Trump has stayed faithful to anything.
Google has a new service called “Flights” that is now able to predict flight delays. How it works is, if you’re flying United, your flight’s delayed.
California is looking into creating a state bank for the legal marijuana industry. They’re gonna call it the California Bank of Dank Stank.
Feb. 1: Justin Timberlake says there will be no ‘N Sync reunion during the Super Bowl. The Patriots are upset because now it means they’ll be the most hated guys on the field.
It’s come out that President Trump’s director of communications, Hope Hicks, may have partially obstructed justice. Trump said he’s furious with Hicks because he hired her to fully obstruct justice.
President Trump has decided not to take part in the traditional presidential Super Bowl interview. Apparently, Trump is worried he might not pass the NFL’s concussion protocol.
The preserved forearm of a 16th century saint is on a tour across Canada. And get this… tickets are still available!
Today is the first day of Black History Month, which is why President Trump gave a shout-out to his three favorite black people: Ben Carson, Omarosa, and Ben Carson.
Feb. 5: The New England Patriots were beaten by the Philadelphia Eagles 41-33. Eagles fans started fires and punched police horses, then they sat down to watch the Super Bowl.
During Super Bowl celebrations in Philadelphia yesterday, an Eagles fan got so carried away, he ate horse poop right off the street. In his defense, the man thought it was dog poop.
Some of the Super Bowl commercials are causing controversy. A lot of people are mad about a Ram truck ad that used the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. People were particularly suspicious of the part where Dr. King says, “Civil rights are RAM-tastic!”
Feb. 6: Officials at the Winter Olympics have stocked the Olympic Village with over 100,000 condoms. In other words, it sounds like Bob Costas will be there.
After decades of bitter fighting, North Korea and South Korea will march together in the Winter Olympics. Even more unbelievable, yesterday Melania Trump went to Ohio with her husband.
It has come out that Patriots fans turned to porn immediately after the Super Bowl. Well, ladies and gentlemen, as a Patriots fan, I’d just like to say that I, for one, waited for my guests to leave.
In San Diego, a Girl Scout is in trouble for selling cookies outside a legal weed dispensary. However, the girl isn’t worried, because she is now worth $200 million.
The Mexican-American judge that Donald Trump insulted may hear a case about his border wall. It’s the landmark case of Donald Trump vs. Payback’s a B***h.
Jan. 31: Last night was President Trump’s first State of the Union address. Some people watched it on NBC. Some people watched it on CNN. While most people watched it on mute.
Trump’s speech fell nine minutes short of breaking President Clinton’s record for the longest State of the Union. And when he heard that, Trump grabbed the mic and spent 10 minutes reading the iTunes user agreement.
He also said America is a nation of builders, and that we built the Empire State Building in just one year. Then he ruined it by congratulating Bob the Builder.
Trump announced that he signed an executive order to keep Guantanamo Bay open. Of course, Trump thinks Guantanamo Bay is a water park at Six Flags.
First lady Melania Trump held her own White House reception before the State of the Union. Yep, even the first lady was like, “I’ve got to drink before this thing.”
Yesterday, a glitch kept sending iPhones the same CNN news alert repeatedly. But if I wanted to be annoyed by the same CNN news alert over and over, I’d just watch CNN for five minutes.
Feb. 1: We are just three days away from Super Bowl LII, which means that we’re just three days away from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an angry mob or a happy mob.
Everyone’s excited. In fact, I saw that on StubHub, there’s a Super Bowl ticket listed at over $66,000. And the person who buys it will get to the stadium and say, “$10 for a beer? That’s crazy. Come on, man.”
Over on the Animal Planet, they’re holding their 14th annual Puppy Bowl. This year it will feature Team Ruff vs. Team Fluff. And if you’re curious which team is better, please visit www.gamblersanonymous.org.
Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel. It will feature the Little Long Tails going up against their rival, a red laser pointer.
Omarosa is going to be a cast member on “Celebrity Big Brother.” She said that after a year in the White House, she just wanted to be in a house without so much drama.
Some more news out of Washington. The government is spending $24 million to replace two refrigerators on Air Force One. Until then, they’re keeping perishables cold by putting them between Donald and Melania.
A man in Massachusetts went to claim a $10,000 lottery prize and found out that he misread the ticket and won $1 million. Later, his wife said, “Did you get the $10,000?” He was like, “Yes.”
Feb. 6: People are still excited about the Philadelphia Eagles winning their first Super Bowl! And did you know this? I read that Eagles coach Doug Pederson was coaching high school football just 10 years ago. Which sounds crazy, until you remember that just FIVE years ago, our president was firing Clay Aiken from a TV show.
The celebration got crazy back in Philly. People knocked over lamp posts, overturned a car, ran around naked, set things on fire — and that was just the mayor.
Paul Ryan posted a tweet where he bragged about how the GOP tax bill helped a woman earn an extra $1.50 a week. He would’ve gotten a lot of angry letters, but nobody wanted to spend their entire bonus on a stamp.
Over the weekend “Lady Doritos” was trending. There were reports that Doritos was launching a “lady-friendly” chip that is quieter and not as orange. And if that goes well, they’re gonna try to do the same thing with the president.
Feb. 5: As you know, this is the day after the Super Bowl. The day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday. They should swap Presidents Day out for Super Bowl Monday. The fact that we have to work the morning after being required as Americans to watch a game — drunk, no less — is downright unpatriotic. And I’m calling on President Trump to do something about it right now.
But what a game! The Eagles won their first Super Bowl ever, toppling Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. They said Tom Brady was so distraught after the game, he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape.
As is always the case, there’s a lot of focus on the commercials at the Super Bowl. I learned a lot from the commercials yesterday. For instance, I had no idea Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream to sell light duty trucks.
A lot of people were upset last night that at the voice of Dr. King was used to sell trucks. Mattresses, yes. You can buy a Serta perfect sleeper on MLK Day, no problem at all every year. But Dodge Ram trucks, no. They say it was the most polarizing Super Bowl ad since the Men’s Wearhouse “buy one get one free at last” deal back in 1998.
But luckily for Dodge, they got cover from Doritos today. Doritos is said to be working on a female-friendly tortilla chip, for real. The Doritos lady chips, they say, make less noise when you eat them and the package will be smaller so it can fit in a purse. It took years of research but they finally cracked the code on how to make a Dorito condescending to women. I hope they call them Doritas.
As I mentioned, people are mad about this. Why? I have no idea. Making Doritos for people with smaller hands that you can eat quietly, like in bed or something, it’s not sexist. In fact, I don’t even think they’re making these Doritos for women. I think they’re making them for the president and his little… you know.
Feb. 6: I read today Best Buy and Target are planning to stop selling CDs in their stores. To which I say: Best Buy and Target are still selling CDs?
For those too young to remember, CDs were these shiny discs that would get scratched almost immediately and would sit in a binder of the back seat of the car until you sold the car.
Did you hear what happened to Rob Gronkowski, the tight end for the New England Patriots? The Patriots lost the Super Bowl on Sunday and to make it worse, while Gronkowski was on the field someone broke into his house and literally robbed Gronkowski. Which is terrible, but also kind of smart; they knew he wasn’t home because he was playing. They were probably watching him on the TV they were stealing.
That’s not fair, they should be charged with burglary AND unsportsmanlike conduct.
Robbed during the Super Bowl. See, this is why I leave all my valuables in Cleveland with the Browns. Never a worry that they will be away for the game.
President Trump’s legal team is now reportedly trying to put the brakes on a looming interview with special counsel Robert Mueller. According to the failing New York Times, Trump’s lawyers are worried he could be lying too much to investigators, and they base this concern on… everything he’s ever said and done over the course of his life.
Donald Trump is like the bus from “Speed” — if he doesn’t tell 60 lies an hour he blows up. Fried chicken and cheeseburgers go everywhere.
If you’re Donald Trump’s lawyer, are you more worried about him lying or about him telling the truth? Because it’s kind of lose-lose, if you think about it.
In South Korea, the Winter Olympics start Thursday. Vice President Mike Pence will be there for opening ceremonies but is leaving after that so he doesn’t have to see the biathlon — he believes that athlons should be between one man and one woman.
The president’s daughter Ivanka Trump is also headed to Pyeongchang to lead the presidential delegation at the closing ceremony. Choosing Mike Pence and Ivanka Trump to represent the United States wasn’t easy. They actually had a meeting to figure out who are the least necessary people in the White House. There was a lot of competition but Mike and Ivanka won out, and they’re going.
Jan. 31: President Trump gave his first State of the Union address last night. The speech was interrupted 115 times by applause and once by the pizza guy.
President Trump gave his first State of the Union address last night. And I have to say, he did “all white.” [shows photo of audience] I haven’t seen old white guys that happy since the last Tom Clancy book signing.
President Trump gave his State of the Union address last night and Bernie Sanders hasn’t looked this unhappy since, uh… since the last time we saw Bernie Sanders.
After the State of the Union, President Trump was caught on a hot mic yesterday saying he plans to release a controversial memo about FBI surveillance. Incidentally, Hot Mic is something this man [photo of Mike Pence] has never been called.
Following the State of the Union address last night, Eric Trump said in a new interview that he was focused on the Democrats during the event. As opposed to Melania, who was focused, as always, on an imaginary spot 1,000 yards away.
In a new interview, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi should “smile a lot more often” – and that Sen. Ted Cruz should smile never.
Police in Philadelphia have announced they will not grease light poles ahead of the Super Bowl because the grease did not deter people from climbing poles following the NFC championship game. In fact, all it did was made them impossible to arrest.
Feb. 1: According to CNN, FBI Director Christopher Wray has made it clear that he’s frustrated that President Trump is not listening to his advice regarding a controversial memo claiming the FBI abused surveillance laws. You’re surprised Trump didn’t listen to advice? This is the same guy who heard about the eclipse, and told the sun to bring it.
President Trump yesterday praised Chicago Cubs co-owner Todd Ricketts’ appointment as the RNC’s new finance chairman, calling him a great addition. Yeah, great if you want to win one election every 108 years.
The Republican chair of the House Intelligence Committee, Devin Nunes, yesterday claimed the changes made to a controversial memo about the FBI before he sent it to the White House were minor grammatical edits. That’s right. He had to make the grammar worse so Trump could read it.
President Trump today said that Sen. Orrin Hatch called him the greatest president in the history of our country. I guess Hatch is still mad at Abraham Lincoln for stealing his girlfriend in middle school.
The Super Bowl is this Sunday between the New England Patriots, and the Philadelphia Eagles. The game will determine whether Philadelphia is burned to the ground by happy fans or sad fans.
Feb. 5: The Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl last night, defeating the New England Patriots 41-33. Philadelphia then went on to defeat Philadelphia.
Dozens of Eagles fans were seen stage-diving off the awning of the Philadelphia Ritz-Carlton after last night’s Super Bowl win. But don’t worry, they died.
Dodge is being criticized on social media for using a Martin Luther King Jr. sermon as a voiceover. Even worse, Snickers made an ad with Gandhi.
President Trump today criticized the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, tweeting, quote, “Little Adam Schiff, who is desperate to run for higher office, is one of the biggest liars and leakers in Washington.” Meanwhile, eighth-grader Jessica tweeted, “It is time to come together on bipartisan immigration reform.”
President Trump and Melania traveled to Cincinnati today. Said Melania, “Of COURSE, they seat me next to a crying baby.”
Doritos is reportedly looking into launching a so-called lady-friendly chip that doesn’t crunch as loudly. Because there’s no more appropriate snack for the #MeToo era than a chip that tells women to be quiet.
Feb. 6: President Trump yesterday praised the Republican tax bill on Twitter, saying, quote, “America is once again open for business!” And the rest of the world said, “Cool. Can we speak to your manager?”
According to reports, President Trump will release his $1.5 trillion infrastructure plan on Monday. Apparently, he wants to take the weekend to practice saying “infrastructure.”
An Illinois high school teacher has come under fire after he included equations about cocaine and getting high in a homework assignment. Even scarier for the parents, all their kids got A’s.
Over 3 million people watched Animal Planet’s “Puppy Bowl” this Sunday. Followed by the tragic season finale of “This Is Pups.”
Jan. 31: Did you watch the State of the Union address last night? During his speech, Trump called for unity. He said, “Tonight I call upon all of us to set aside our differences to seek out common ground.” And when he finds that common ground, he plans to build a wall across it that goes all the way to the Pacific Ocean.
The Republicans were loving what they were hearing. There were so many old white people giving standing ovations I thought I was watching a Jimmy Buffett concert, honestly.
After Trump’s address, the Democratic rebuttal was given by Congressman Joe Kennedy. And this is how out of touch they are in the Democratic Party. They are like, “People are tired of the same old politicians. We need to give them someone new. Here’s a Kennedy.”
Kennedy gave his speech live from a high school shop class with a Mustang behind him with the hood open, because nothing says you are going to get this economy rolling like the visual of a broken-down car.
More news of corruption in the Trump administration. The director for the Centers for Disease Control, which overseas regulation of cigarettes, resigned on Wednesday after it was revealed that she owns stock in a tobacco company. When reporters asked her why she thought it was OK to use her position for financial gain, she replied that she knows it’s bad, she’s just really trying to quit, she only does it a couple of times a day.
This is the head of a public health agency making money from tobacco addiction. That would be like if the national security adviser was working for the Russians. Oh no, wait. That did happen. That’s a bad example. It would be more like putting a climate change denier in charge of the environmental protection agency – oh no, that happened, too.
United Airlines prevented a woman from boarding her flight out of Newark, New Jersey, because she tried to board with an emotional-support pet, which was her peacock. They were all set to let both of them on, but then they caught the peacock with over three and a half ounces of shampoo.
It got even more awkward when the woman was like, “That’s not a peacock, that’s my friend Lady Gaga.”
But this was a devastating blow to the peacock’s confidence, it really was. They had to stop on the way home and get the peacock an emotional support peacock.
A flight from Norway to Germany that was carrying 84 plumbers to a work conference had to turn back because, get this, the plane’s toilet wasn’t working. The only way this could be more ironic is if the plane had 84 plumbers and Alanis Morissette.
Feb. 1: This morning President Trump bragged about his State of the Union address, tweeting, “Thank you for all of the nice compliments and reviews on the State of the Union speech, 45.6 million people watched, the highest number in history.” Now here’s the thing: What Trump tweeted isn’t even remotely true. I know, shocking, shocking!
In fact, Trump’s State of the Union was the least-watched first State of the Union in 25 years. Which is impressive — I mean, they’re all pretty unwatchable. It’s amazing, really.
But 45.6 million people did watch his State of the Union, which is nearly one person for every standing ovation the Republicans gave him throughout the speech.
In other White House news, during an interview on CNN yesterday, when asked about Nancy Pelosi’s frown during the State of the Union, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said Pelosi “should smile a lot more often.” Snap! Is Sarah Sanders related to Colonel Sanders? Because she is salty as hell!
I am no fan of Sarah Sanders or the Trump administration, but isn’t part of the problem here that reporters are asking questions like mean girls? “Like, did you see Nancy Pelosi frowning during the speech? Oh my God, so do you guys, like, hate her, or like, hate her hate her?”
Sarah Sanders has a lot of nerve telling another woman to smile more when she herself literally has resting Grumpy Cat face [shows photo of Sanders alongside Grumpy Cat].
I’m sure you all know the Super Bowl is this Sunday, and President Trump has decided he won’t be taking part in a decade-old tradition of sitting down to do an interview before the big game. Which is fine with me. I can’t stand those casual football fans who only watch the Super Bowl for the presidential interviews.
But I think I know why Trump is staying away from this year’s Super Bowl between the Patriots and the Eagles. It is because he is afraid of eagles [plays clip of Trump dodging a bald eagle at his desk].
In other Super Bowl news, the Republican governor of South Carolina has issued a formal legal proclamation designating this Sunday as “Stand for the Flag Super Bowl Sunday,” encouraging people to stand for the national anthem wherever they are watching the game. Meanwhile, the mayor of Philadelphia issued a proclamation declaring Sunday “Scream at Your TV While the Patriots Win Another Super Bowl Day.”
Isn’t the Super Bowl already patriotic enough? The game is between the Eagles and the Patriots. The only way it could be more American is if they forced the Redskins out of their stadium and played it there.
Feb. 5: We want to congratulate the Philadelphia Eagles for beating the Patriots last night to win their first Super Bowl championship ever. Now, usually the president will call and congratulate the winners. But breaking with tradition, President Trump actually called the Patriots after the game and just mocked them for being losers.
Tom Brady’s fourth quarter fumble secured the Eagles win and honestly, I feel for him, I do. I don’t know how Brady is going to live with himself, his five Super Bowl rings, his supermodel wife Gisele — actually, I think he’s going to be fine.
Feb. 6: According to a recent article, President Trump’s lawyers want him to skip an interview with the head of the Russia investigation because they’re afraid he’ll lie under oath. Here’s my question: Why wouldn’t his lawyers just tell him to plead insanity? Everyone in the world would be like, “Yep, he’s nuts.”
If his lawyers really wanted him NOT do it, then just tell him to do it! Trump is like a child — if you tell him not to do something, it only makes him want to do it more. You know? “Donald! Don’t you touch that interview! Donald? No! Donald!”
If Trump refuses the interview, Robert Mueller could subpoena him to testify before a grand jury. Which would be OK with Trump, provided it was the grandest jury, the most luxurious jury of all the juries.
After President Trump called Democrats “un-American” for not applauding him during the State of the Union speech, Democratic Sen. Tammy Duckworth tweeted at Trump about using his alleged bone spurs to get out of Vietnam. She tweeted, “I swore an oath to defend the Constitution… not to mindlessly cater to the whims of Cadet Bone Spurs.” Which means now Trump is suffering from bone spurs AND third-degree burns.
I know that Trump started it, but is this where this country is right now? Politicians just calling each other names? Pretty soon pundits are going to be on cable news saying, “I thought the president made a good point when he said, ‘I know you are, but what am I?'”
It was reported today that the country’s biggest electronics store, Best Buy, will stop selling CDs as of July 1. Now where will people go to NOT pay for music?
No CDs starting July 1, so mark your calendars, kids. In five months, you’re finally going to have to explain Spotify to your parents.
Elon Musk’s company SpaceX is pretty amazing. They’ve successfully launched the world’s most powerful rocket into space headed towards Mars. The rocket is named Falcon Heavy, although it prefers to be called Falcon Hey I’m Just Big-Boned.
A Girl Scout in San Diego sold 300 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in six hours after she set up shop in front of a weed dispensary. Genius! Even Elon Musk is like, “That’s pretty brilliant.”
Did you see they partied hard in the streets of Philly last night? Everyone in Philadelphia was a winner last night. They really were, unless your car was parked at the intersection of Broad Street and Chestnut. Then today you were riding the bus because your car is still on fire.
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is being called out of touch and is facing some backlash after bragging about the Republican tax plan. He tweeted about a Pennsylvania high school secretary saying she was pleasantly surprised when her pay went up $1.50 a week. I guess Trump promised real change. And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel.
Feb. 5: Remember when Donald Trump told us we would be tired of winning? Well, evidently the stock market is exhausted. Because after losing 666 points on Friday, Monday it said, “Hold my beer,” and today posted the greatest single same-day drop in the stock market history: 1,600 points.
By the end, the Dow closed almost 1,200 points down, erasing its gains for the entire year. The stock market is just like the rest of us: It spent January working on improving itself, then in February said [bleep] it.
This afternoon Trump was in Cincinnati, where he spoke to factory workers about how great the economy’s doing. And, when he STARTED, that was still true.
It was an especially awkward moment, because Trump was in town to tout the benefits of the Republican tax plan. And he knows exactly who deserves all the credit for the booming economy [clip of Trump]: “You know, you can work hard, but if you don’t have the right leader setting the right tone, in all fairness — I am not even saying — I am NON-braggadocious.” [imitates Trump]: I do the most least amount of bragging anyone has ever seen. I have record-breaking humility.
Paul Ryan was instrumental in getting the Republican tax cut passed last year, and on Saturday he was in a bragging mood, tweeting, “A secretary at a public high school in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, said she was pleasantly surprised her pay went up $1.50 a week. She said that will more than cover her Costco membership for the year.” Cool! Now she’s just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass!
He got a little razzing for this tweet, so he pulled it. But he didn’t pull this one: “These @TaxReform ‘crumbs’ are really starting to add up. After the tax overhaul, Hostess employees will (literally) get a sweet treat.” Because “once a week, employees will be able to take home a multipack of the ‘product of the week.'” That’s good news, summed up by middle-class hero Marie Antoinette, who famously declared, “Let them eat Ding Dongs.”
It’s interesting that Paul Ryan would boast about someone making an extra buck-fifty a week, seeing as how others are bringing home significantly more bacon. For example, “Just 13 days after the tax law was passed, the Koch family donated nearly $500,000 to Ryan’s fundraising committee.” Oh, I would like to kick him in the ding dongs!
Feb. 6: According to sources at the White House, Donald Trump’s lawyers are telling him to refuse an interview with Robert Mueller “because the president, who has a history of making false statements and contradicting himself, could be charged with lying to investigators.” It is a crack legal analysis from the law firm of No, S**t & Sherlock.
I know President Trump watches this show — because it’s on TV — so right now, I’ve got a special message for him: “Mr. President, ignore your lawyers. You follow your instincts and you sit down with Robert Mueller. Otherwise, everyone’s going to think you’re scared, but we know you’re not.” Oh! Your fried chicken has arrived [picks up KFC bucket]. Wait, it’s empty. Where is — oh, I think I know where the chicken is [flaps elbows and clucks]. Bawk, bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk, bawk.
We’re still dealing with the fallout of the infamous Republican memo written by House Intelligence Committee chair Devin Nunes. Republicans hyped this dud for weeks, and the central argument of the memo is that the FBI was biased when they got a warrant to wiretap former Trump adviser Carter Page. Nunes says the FBI relied exclusively on the Steele dossier and never disclosed to the judge that the dossier was paid for by Trump’s political opponents. Now, if true, that’s a pretty damning charge. Spoiler alert: Not true. Turns out, the partisan nature of the dossier was mentioned in a footnote. Now, Nunes should learn how footnotes work. He’s about to become one in history.
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
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Whoever put this clip together should be presented with the Editor of the Year award. It FEATURES three presidents, two former and one current. (2:28)
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Former (retired?) Officer Ray Pena may be gone, but he hasn’t been forgotten. He is now living in Florida and according to THIS, he is running for Congress…
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It’s been a while since we checked in with the Bad Lip Reading guys. Here’s what they put together for the games that have been PLAYED so far in 2018. (6:03)
And THIS selection of clips represent the Bad Lip Reading excerpts from last year.
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One might expect to see a streaker at a baseball, football or soccer game. Golf? Nah. Too classy of a sport. Right? Maybe not. At least that wasn’t the case at a practice round on the 17th hole at last week’s Phoenix Open. To be fair, this tournament, and especially this hole, tends to draw a rowdy and unruly crowd. I think I speak for many of the cops who were working security at this tournament when I say that if this guy was as sweaty as he was drunk and naked, I would have been inclined to shoot him instead of trying to tackle him! Been there, done that, ain’t pleasant! Click HERE to see what the Golf Channel didn’t cover. (2:09)
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Is this 5-year-old cutie too young to take skydiving? While it would be illegal for her to be strapped to her dad and for them to take to the air here in the U.S., it apparently isn’t in the country of Moldova, which borders Romania and the Ukraine. You can FF to 9:48 and watch a SUMMARY of the jump set to the Satchmo’s “What a Wonderful World” if you don’t want to sit through the preparation. (12:07)
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This group of guys known as “Dude Perfect” specializes in trick shots, which has made them an Internet sensation, and this is one of the many videos they have posted on YouTube. Have a LOOK. (5:03)
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I need a favor; think of it as payment for a dozen years of a free newsletter: If your kid(s) ever take you shopping for an old folks’ home and you see me occupying a chair and batting balloons like the people in this clip received from Bob T., be aware that I am there against my will. The favor? Find a painless way of putting me out of my misery. THANKS in advance. (0:33)
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Then there is Amy, a millennial who is interviewing for a job. Click HERE and watch how it goes. (2:50)
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If you thought all of the other puns were bad, wait ’til you sea mine!
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Speaking of retirement homes, it’s meal time at THIS one and there are lots and lots of very hungry residents. (3:43)
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Let it be known far and wide that THIS puppy is not for sale. Seems that Mommy is extremelly possessive and won’t allow it to be sold. (0:51)
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When a call came in about a little dog that hung out at an apartment complex and cried, Eldad and Loreta from Hope for Paws responded to RESCUE her. (5:01)
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Eldad and Loreta teamed up again to rescue THIS abandoned dog at a construction site that was so scared it was frozen and wouldn’t move. (3:51)
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This rescue is about a little Chihuahua that ran to her friends for protection out of fear, but wound up with a much happier life and a FOREVER home thanks to the team of Loreta and Eldad. (3:33)
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If you knew you were about to be taken to the vet to get “FIXED,” would you try to play dead? Think twice. It didn’t seem to work for Lulu. (1:32)
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It was a nice thing that Internet celebrity Tom Mabe did for a Humane Society facility in Kentucky with this episode of his ongoing Prank It Forward series. Have a LOOK and see if you agree. (6:48)
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If the name Tom Mabe doesn’t ring a bell, it’s probably because he hasn’t been associated with this teleprompter prank that most cops have laughed at over the years. If you haven’t heard THIS you are in for a treat. (3:11)
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Tom likes to pull off other pranks too, like this one where he has converted a stun gun into a bait phone in order to surprise thieves. Watch THIS. (4:28)
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If there was a question as to whether sea lions were basically dogs that lived in the ocean, this clip should provide an ANSWER. (3:15)
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Planning on booking a cruise this year? While I have racked up a few dozens cruises in my lifetime, I can’t speak to the validity of these suggestions from “Tips for Travellers,” but they make sense to me and the vast majority of the people who COMMENTED on the YouTube video. (5:18)
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This monument to corruption was received from Comrade Kosovilka, who reports that it’s been three years since Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych had to flee his country in the aftermath of the Euromaidan Revolution. Bob said this video of his departure and what he left behind reminds him of the Clintons, to which we say “close but no cigar.” Listen closely as you tour the president’s former residence and you will hear that Viktor and his wife left the SILVERWARE behind. (4:51)
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Before we leave the former USSR satellite country and return to the USA, Comrade Kosovilka would also like to share this video of Ukrainian cops participating in the CrossFit Challenge which, strangely enough, was co-sponsored by the CANADIANS. Go figure! (2:12)
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Want to deter package thieves. One way is to booby trap a package with a blank shotgun shell. WATCH this clip. (1:25)
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Staying with the same theme, here’s a woman who breaks her leg trying to steal a package from the victim’s porch. Note that the male driver returns to retrieve the dropped package after he carries the thief with the BROKEN leg to the car. We like to think of this clip as Instant Karma. (2:07)
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I keep this clip handy for those occasions when I’m a little down and could use a laugh. It’s about a WOMAN in the UK who is trying to gas up her car. (0:57)
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Here is an item from Russ Russell. Think back to 1959 and the hit song “Walk Don’t Run” by the Ventures. The group’s drummer back then was a 17-year-old George Babbitt who would go on to become a Four Star U.S. Air Force General. In 1998 the Ventures celebrated their 38th reunion, and the active General picked up the sticks and didn’t miss a beat. It’s not the best picture quality, but the tonal quality is top notch. Click HERE and take a trip back in time. (7:15)
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Dirk Parsons says he had never heard of “French Electro-Swing music until now. It is the basis of this clip that features a catchy tune and some great dancing. If you have ever been a fan of jazz, you may enjoy THIS. (3:38)
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There are countless ministries in the U.S. that are worthy of volunteers, donations and general support. This one that provides a leg up to homeless veterans is like no other. The short video is self-explanatory and needs no explanation other than the suggestion to click HERE and watch this time lapse transformation of a homeless veteran. (2:50)
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If you live on the coast and are concerned about a tsunami washing you and your property away, here is something you might be interested in. The question is, would you have enough warning to get yourself and your loved one(s) inside and strapped down before you heard the gush of RUSHING water? As one person commented about the cost, “Less than a Harley, more than a golf cart.” (2:50)
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This clip was so spectacular in my eyes that it was a natural for this week’s closer. It truly does give context to the term “gravity is overrated.” Besides, I’m a little partial to the beautiful photography of the Azores, where my grandfather was born and raised before he immigrated to the town of Patterson over in the Valley. Click HERE and ride along with Jean-Baptiste Chandelier and enjoy the beautiful scenery and the people. (6:00)
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Pic of the Week
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 2/8/18
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
Jerry Dumas — Added
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Abram, Fred & Connie
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Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark “Mo”
O’Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve