Jan. 25, 2018
The Farsider is an independent publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association’s Board of Directors or its membership.
RETIRED OFFICER BILL SMITH
Born Nov. 6, 1943
Appointed April 1969
Retired Aug. 1994
Died Jan. 19, 2018
Betty Smith posted the following message regarding a scheduled Celebration of Life for Bill on the Caring Bridge website:
We are having a Celebration of Bill’s life on Saturday, February 10th at 2:00 pm at the San Jose Elks Lodge (444 West Alma Ave, San Jose). We hope to see you there and encourage you to bring a fun picture of Bill or a story to share.
In lieu of flowers we have set up a Bill Smith Memorial Softball Scholarship Fund through Paso Robles Bearcats Boosters. Donations can be mailed to P.O. Box 22, Paso Robles, CA 93447 or done online at <http://www.bearcatboosters.com>. Please note on your check that it is for the “Bill Smith Memorial Softball Scholarship.”
Below is Bill’s obituary as provided by Betty yesterday evening…
For those who missed the details leading up to Bill’s passing, here are excerpts from last week’s Farsider and the supplemental newsletter that was sent out the following day (Friday)…
Update on Bill from the Jan. 18th Farsider
Bill’s friends and former coworkers who would like updates on his status are welcome to click HERE and follow his progress based on a journal that wife Betty is keeping current. You will need to register and log-in to the “Caring Bridge” site that ensures only those who know Bill are privy to his condition. Should you prefer not to register and log-in, Betty’s two latest journal entries read as follows::
Last Sunday, January 7th, (Bill) was taken to French hospital in San Luis Obispo which specializes in heart care. They’ve run a number of tests and are trying to figure out what is happening as his body is very rapidly declining, specifically his muscles. He now has a pulmonologist, immunologist and neurologist on his care.
Last night (Sunday January 14th) he was airlifted to UCLA Medical Center for testing. They are looking at possible auto-immune diseases (ALS, etc) which could be causing the rapid muscle loss and also breathing issues. It’s a whirlwind of information, tests, terms and questions. Tomorrow he has the testing and we’ll know more after the results come back. Please pray and think positive thoughts for Bill. We are hoping for answers and recovery.
Update on Bill from the Jan. 19th Supplemental Farsider
The following message was posted on the Caring Bridge website earlier today (Fri.) by Bill’s daughter Jennifer…
Journal entry by Betty Smith — from Jen.
It’s with a very heavy heart that I tell you that Bill passed away peacefully in his sleep this morning at home. We had some good quality time with him yesterday and many visitors. We will keep everyone posted on a service date. Thank you for your kind words, prayers and offers to help.
OFFICER ROBERT WHITE MEMORIAL SCHEDULED FOR THIS SATURDAY, JAN. 27
—Rendering Support and Keeping Their Memory Alive —
Officer Robert White
EOW: Jan. 27, 1985
In keeping with the San Jose Police Emerald Society’s mission in “Rendering Support and Keeping Their Memory Alive,” we remember and honor Officer Robert White.
Join members of the San Jose Police Emerald Society and others in a memorial service honoring Officer Robert White who was killed in the line of duty 33 years ago on Jan. 27, 1985. There will be a short memorial reading and prayer. Others are invited to say a few words if they like. It will close with the playing of Amazing Grace. Please arrive a few minutes early as the service will start promptly at 10:00 a.m.
Event Date: Saturday, Jan. 27, 2018
10:00 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.
The service will e held at Oak Hill Cemetery
300 Curtner Avenue, San Jose
Section R Tier F Lot 27
Sponsored by the San Jose Police Emerald Society
Nothing to report as of press time.
Nothing for this column either.
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
I hope you are doing well. I think some of our members might be interested in this opportunity. Could you create and run a small article for me? Here is the information.
San Jose City College and Evergreen Valley Community College are looking for instructors to teach at the community college level in the Administration of Justice program. The semester starts soon and the need is urgent to fill a few spots. Adjunct faculty make approximately $90 per hour. A bachelor’s degree is required. Prior teaching experience is desired, but not required. Interested parties should contact the Interim Dean Guy Smith at <Guy.Smith@sjcc.edu>.
Chris Monahan <email@example.com>
Captain, Piedmont Police Department
• • • • •
If any of your readers know of someone who has children, grandchildren, friends or relatives and are considering enrolling them in Presentation High in San Jose, they would be well served to view <www.makepressafe.com> and/or see the Facebook page Presentationtoo#. There are also two NBC Bay Area Investigation reports about alleged misconduct at Presentation High. (Click HERE to view the first one, and HERE to view the second one.)
Ex-students discuss Alleged Misconduct at Presentation High
(Name withheld by request)
TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR THE CIOPPINO (and Chicken) FEED
We are excited to announce another great opportunity to enjoy Cioppino or, if you are not a fishy kinda person, perhaps chicken. The Cioppino Feed is on again. Great news: MMOC has set up online registration at <www.mmoc.org> for folks who would prefer to register there.
Kim Wirht <firstname.lastname@example.org>
BEST DEAL IN TOWN — BRING ANOTHER COUPLE TO THE
PBA VALENTINE’S DAY DINNER DANCE FOR ONLY $25
—Neighbors, Friends, Relatives, Your Choice—
Members: $25 per couple — Second Couple $25
(Maximum of one additional couple per PBA member)
$50 total for luscious Hors d’oeuvres, Open Bar, Wine on the table and Prime Rib & Salmon
Saturday, Feb. 10th
MUST RSVP by, Monday, Feb. 5th, but can pay at the door
Doors open at 6:00 — Dinner at 7:00 — Dancing to 11:00 p.m.
POA Hall, 1151 N. Fourth St.
Hors d’oeuvres aplenty
Entrees: Your choice of Salmon and/or hand-carved Prime Rib
Hosted Bar with Wine on the Tables
Dancing to your kind of music following dinner
Make checks payable to the “SJPBA” and mail to:
P.O. Box 42
San Jose, CA 95103
Or pay at the door with a prior RSVP by Monday, Feb. 5th
IT’S TIP-A-COP TIME AGAIN…
ANNUAL ROBBERY INVESTIGATORS ASSN. TRAINING SEMINAR
This year’s Annual POST Certified Training Seminar will be held at the Peppermill Resort Hotel, 2707 S. Virginia St, in Reno on Feb. 6 to 8, 2018.
Please check the CRIA web site at <www.robberycria.com> for complete information on classes. You can now pay your seminar costs and/or annual dues online as well as reserve your room at our special rate.
President Freddie Bobbitt and VP Michael Gebhardt of Fremont PD have outdone themselves this year with their line up guest speakers and up-to- date classes relevant to both law enforcement and private industry.
All law enforcement agencies, federal, state and municipal and private industry are welcome. Please sign up ASAP so we’ll have an accurate headcount.
Jack Baxter <email@example.com>
WELCOME TO AMERICA, YOUNG LADY
This is how a real “dreamer” becomes a U.S. Citizen. She applied, waited, and studied so hard she fell asleep in her American history books on more than one night. She busted her rear-end to learn our language, passed the naturalization exams, and earned the right to call herself an American!
GIVE ‘EM HELL, HARRY CALLAHAN…
As Hollywood Tries To Stop New Patriotic Movie, Clint Eastwood Gives Them Brutal Surprise
Truth Politics — By Admin — Dec. 19, 2017
Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “The 15:17 to Paris,” is based on true events, where three American heroes stopped a terrorist on a Paris train in 2015, and it is causing the Hollywood crowd to go nuts. They just tried to put the kibosh on certain scenes that didn’t fit their liberal agenda, and boy, that made Eastwood mad. So, the famous actor and director who voted for President Donald Trump just slapped the leftists hard with a brutal surprise. You’re going to love it.
Clint Eastwood is an American icon and is probably the most famous conservative actor and director in Hollywood. Eastwood’s legendary work affords him the ability to pick and choose what type of movies he’ll make, and he loves making patriotic American movies.
His current film, “The 15:17 to Paris,” is in the final edits, but the Hollywood crowd hates it, and they tried to stop certain people from seeing it. The reason is the pro-American message it sends, described in this synopsis on Google: “In the early evening of August 21, 2015, the world watched in stunned silence as the media reported a thwarted terrorist attack on Thalys train #9364 bound for Paris—an attempt prevented by three courageous young Americans traveling through Europe.”
The summary adds, “Throughout the harrowing ordeal, their friendship never wavers, making it their greatest weapon and allowing them to save the lives of the more than 500 passengers on board. The heroic trio is comprised of Anthony Sadler, Oregon National Guardsman Alek Skarlatos, and U.S. Air Force Airman First Class Spencer Stone, who play themselves in the film.”
The movie stirs real patriotic emotion and honors the three American heroes who have military backgrounds. It shows an Islamic terrorist, who gains entry into France as a migrant, attempting to slaughter 500 people, with three Americans stopping him. This just isn’t the type of movie the Hollywood crowd makes, and they tried to screw Eastwood by giving it an “R” rating.
The reason they gave for the “R” rating was it showed “violence,” and this pissed off Clint Eastwood, who is making this film so teens could also see a movie with real American values. It was a cheap shot by the liberal Hollywood idiots, and Eastwood decided that wasn’t going to happen. The legendary star shocked the Hollywood crowd by taking on the rating board himself, something that never happens. And, not only did he take them on, he blew them away.
“Clint Eastwood has won an appeal to overturn the R rating originally assigned to his upcoming film, The 15:17 to Paris. Instead, it will be rated PG-13. According to a source, the R rating was given for the train attack scene at the center of the film, which the Classification and Rating Administration described as ‘a sequence of violence and bloody images,’” reported Hollywood Reporter.
They added, “The Classification and Rating Appeals Board says it reviews 800 to 900 films each year, with fewer than 12 ratings a year appealed. Eastwood represented his own film on behalf of Warner Bros., which opens the film in theaters on Feb. 9.”
Clint doesn’t just play a “tough guy” in his movies, he showed those Hollywood snakes that he really is a tough guy who won’t be pushed around. He’ll make any darn movie he wants to make, and they won’t stop him from making sure as many Americans as possible can see it.
Click HERE to watch the trailer for “The 15:17 to Paris”
In case you’re wondering how much the Hollywood crowd detests this movie for its pro-American military theme along with its anti-Islam, anti-migrant message, here’s how one Hollywood critic describes it:
“But in the hands of someone like Eastwood, this
movie reads like a recruitment ad for the military.
Nothing diminishes the heroism of these three men,
but in Eastwood’s hands, it looks like he’s coasting
on their achievements to tell a story that will make
some people think that they too can be heroes if they
just head down to their local recruitment office.”
Well, let the haters hate. They loathe patriotism and they despise middle-class working Americans who love this country. They can’t stand Clint Eastwood who said that former President Barack Obama is “the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.”
Lastly, what in the hell is wrong with sending the message to teens that they too can be heroes? What is wrong with giving some kids the idea that joining the military is a heroic thing to do? This is exactly the kind of movie our young people need to see in today’s world that is filled with idiot celebrities pushing anti-American messages. If this movie inspires just one young American to join the military and make their life worthwhile, then Clint Eastwood’s film will be a resounding success.
WHERE EAGLES DARE
Received from Noel Lanctot
A golden eagle grabs a flying drone during a military training exercise at Mont-de-Marsan French Air Force base in Southwestern France.
Following incidents of drones flying over the presidential palace and restricted military sites — along with the deadly 2015 Paris terror attacks — the French Air Force has trained four golden eagles to intercept and destroy the rogue aircraft.
Aptly named d’Artagnan, Athos, Porthos and Aramis — an homage to Alexandre Dumas’ “The Three Musketeers” — the four birds of prey have been honing their attack skills at the Mont-de-Marsan in southwestern France since mid-2016.
“A drone means food for these birds,” Gerald Machoukow, the military base’s
falconer, told FRANCE 24. “Now they automatically go after them.”
The use of hunting birds, normally falcons and northern goshawks, by militaries around the globe is common practice in the fight to scare other critters away from runways and cut the risk of accidents during takeoffs and landings. But it wasn’t until 2015 when the Dutch started using bald eagles to intercept drones that other militaries started to see the benefit of these winged warriors.
The French bred the four golden eagles — three males and one female -— using artificial insemination since eagles are a protected species and harvesting wild eggs is strictly forbidden. They chose the golden eagle because of the birds’ hooked beak and sharp eyesight.
Also weighing in around 11 pounds, the birds are in a similar weight class as the drones they’re sent to destroy and clocking in at a top air speed of 50 miles per hour, with the capability of spotting its target from over a mile away, the eagles are deft hunters.
To protect the eagles from drone blades and any explosive device that might be attached to them, the French military designed mittens of leather and Kevlar (an anti-blast material), to protect the bird’s talons.
A golden eagle carries a flying drone (2017). “I love these birds,” Machoukow
told Agence France-Presse. “I don’t want to send them to their death.”
The birds are first taught to attack in a straight line before graduating to diving from heights. Soon they’ll be patrolling the skies over the Pyrenees Mountains in southern France and could possibly be deployed at airports and special events, such as political summits and soccer tournaments.
The French Air Force expects four more eagles to join the fleet shortly.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
The Few, The Proud
From the Archives
Curious as to why the USMC adopted the “The Few, The Proud” as a motto for the Corps? It started with this “Dear John” letter a Marine stationed in Afghanistan received from his girlfriend back home….
With hurt feelings, Ricky asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the photo he had of Becky, he gathered all the pictures of the best looking girls he had collected from his buddies and mailed them all to Becky, along with a short note…
• • • • •
I’ll take him home…
From the Archives
A woman and her ever-grumpy husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband passed away.
The undertaker told the wife, “You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $150.”
The woman thought about it for a moment, then told him she would have him shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to fly your husband’s body back to the U.S. when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $150?”
The woman replied, “A long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that chance.”
• • • • •
The following story is in preparation for the Late Nite Jokes and the Trump zingers…
From the Archives
One sunny day last February, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench.
He approached the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine replied, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer the President and doesn’t reside here.”
The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn’t reside here.”
The man thanked him and again walked away.
On the third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said “See you tomorrow, sir.”
• • • • •
Stock Market advice…
Received from Tom Weston
Investors should be aware that some solid companies are going to merge in 2018 and that they will be prime choices for those of you who still have some cash left from the holidays and would like to invest it in some “sure things.” Here’s a rundown of what you can expect in the next few months.
• Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co.will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
• Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
• This merger is predicted to be a winner when 3M joins with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will become one and be known as ZipAudiDoDa.
• An excellent stock to buy would be this one when FedEx joins its competitor UPS and becomes FedUP.
• Look for Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers to combine and become Fairwell Honeychild.
• And don’t overlook the merger between Grey Poupon and Docker Pants. This new company will be known as PouponPants.
• Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!
• And last but not least, it’s been reported that Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name TittyTittyBangBang.
Call your broker now and don’t miss out on these great investment opportunities.
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
Here is this week’s offering for you Anti-Trumpers mixed with a few memes you will probably want to ignore…
Jan. 17 — 23
Jan. 17: The Pentagon is reportedly considering nuclear retaliation as a response to cyber attacks by hackers. The biggest challenge is building missiles that can penetrate a mother’s basement.
It’s come out that President Trump enjoys eating cheeseburgers in bed, which explains why Melania likes to go to bed disguised as a salad.
Everybody’s talking about President Trump’s physical exam yesterday. Medical experts are saying that considering his eating habits, President Trump is surprisingly healthy. When told this, Melania said, “OK, time for Plan B.”
During a political protest on Capitol Hill today, 82 rabbis were arrested. It’s the first time D.C. police have dispersed a crowd by spraying them with bacon bits.
In an interview, former porn star Stormy Daniels said she had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006. To which Stormy’s shocked husband said, “Wait, you told me I was your first!”
Jan. 18: North Korea has announced that it will send a group of citizens called the “cheering squad” to next month’s Winter Olympics. And many of them are expected to actually compete in a new event called the “400 Meter Defection.”
Doctors are saying the result of President Trump’s physical revealed that he is borderline obese. In fairness, he did promise us growth.
After the results of his physical were released, many Americans are claiming President Trump is lying about his weight. In other words, maybe he really is one of us.
Professional race car driver Danica Patrick is dating again, after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, a NASCAR driver. When asked why that relationship didn’t work out, Patrick explained, “We were just going in circles.”
President Trump is now claiming his approval rating among black Americans has doubled. In other words, Ben Carson voted twice.
Jan. 22: Matt Lauer’s wife has reportedly kicked him out of the house. Even worse, she’s replaced him with Hoda.
The author of the new book on the Trump administration said that President Trump is currently cheating on Melania. When she heard, Melania said, “Thank God.”
Good news for Washington — the government shutdown is over. The bad news for us — our government is back to work.
China has banned hip hop from Chinese television, which is bad news for China’s biggest hip hop star, the Notorious MSG.
An ABC news poll showed that 48% of Americans think President Trump is mentally unstable. The remaining 52% agree BUT that’s what they like about him.
Jan. 23: Yesterday was the Trumps’ 13th wedding anniversary and I looked it up — the traditional gift for the 13th anniversary is lace. For a second, Melania got excited and said, “I thought you said ‘mace.’”
Christopher Plummer, who replaced Kevin Spacey in a film, received an Oscar nomination. Afterwards, Plummer called Spacey to thank him for being a creep.
This morning, Meryl Streep was nominated for an Academy Award. Or as that’s called in Los Angeles, “the first sign of spring.”
Jan. 17: Saturday will mark the anniversary of President Trump’s first year in office, and he’s wrapping it up on a bit of a low note. According to Gallup, Trump has the lowest average approval rating of any first-year president, 39%. Which still seems high to me. Two out of five Americans are going, “Great job, man, you’re nailing it. Let’s go watch ‘The Emoji Movie’ again, I loved that too.”
To put that number, 39%, in perspective, a Muslim socialist president who was born in Kenya left office with an approval rating of 58%.
On the bright side, Trump did magically grow an inch and lose 30 pounds just before his physical yesterday.
While his approval rating may be low, his coronary calcium score is high — so high that Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN said he believes the president has heart disease. In response, Trump had Sanjay Gupta deported by ICE.
A calcium score over 100 indicates a high risk of heart attack or heart disease within three to five years. Trump’s number is 133, but his doctor says he’s in excellent health. Claims he passed a cognitive test with flying colors — all of them orange.
They did this test, and Trump answered 30 out of 30 questions right. The White House said it was the greatest “30 for 30” since the O.J. documentary on ESPN.
Jeff Flake, the Republican senator from Arizona, gave a blistering speech from the floor of the Senate, condemning Trump’s attacks on the press and comparing the president to Stalin. I don’t know, Stalin had much thicker hair. That feels unfair to me.
Flake didn’t hold back. He called the president reprehensible and accused him of inspiring dictators around the world — and then continued voting right along with him on every major issue. It’s what they call “flake news.”
Speaking of fake news, today is the day the president promised to hand out his most corrupt and dishonest media awards. Trump continually complains that coverage by the mainstream media is negative. And that is true, of course it’s been negative — when you cover a train wreck you don’t give equal time to the train.
Jan. 22: In Washington, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal. Kind of a deal, to reopen the government for, well, at least three weeks. The Democrats agreed to fund the government through February 8 in exchange for a promise from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell that they would have a debate and a vote on DACA. In other words, for nothing.
So Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer thought he struck a deal with the president on Friday, but then the president’s team came in and said, “No, no, no. Bad boy! Go back to bed and eat a cheeseburger,” and the deal was off.
Schumer said negotiating with the president was like trying to negotiate with Jell-O, specifically the orange Jell-O.
Trump was completely removed from the negotiations. It’s funny, he always claimed to be the best negotiator. This was his big selling point, “I’m the dealmaker.” At this point it seems pretty clear he couldn’t even negotiate 20% off at Bed Bath & Beyond with the coupon.
Trump was also reported to be upset that he had to cancel his trip to Mar-a-Lago this weekend. They had a party to celebrate the one-year anniversary of his inauguration, but going to a party with the government shutdown would look bad, so the White House went to great lengths to prove the president was working this weekend. They even released a photo of him working [shows staged-looking photo of Trump holding phone]. There he is sitting at his desk… There’s clearly no one on the other end of that call.
That’s how you pose if you’re on a tour of the Oval Office and they let you sit behind the desk. He’s wearing a hat with a suit, and the only time it’s appropriate to wear a hat with a suit is at the NBA draft. And we all know the president dodges drafts, so…
This weekend millions of protesters, mostly women, marched in cities across the country on the one-year anniversary of Trump’s presidency. It was really a huge turnout. Even Melania marched, but the Secret Service captured her and returned her to her shoe closet.
One thing you can say — Donald Trump got more women to exercise than Michelle Obama ever did.
Jan. 23: Hollywood awards season is in full bloom as nominations for Academy Awards came out today. There are a lot of familiar faces among the nominees. Meryl Streep is nominated for the 21st time. Denzel Washington was nominated for his ninth Oscar and I’m not even sure he was in a movie this year. That’s how good he is.
There were some historic nominations too. For the first time ever, a woman was nominated for best cinematography. We have the fifth woman and the fifth African-American to be nominated for best director, and Kobe Bryant is the tallest person ever nominated for an animated short.
According to The Washington Post, Robert Mueller, the special counsel, wants to interview President Trump. The main thing will be to get him to answer questions between bites of cheeseburger.
They really should make this interview a pay-per-view event — it would definitely make enough money to pay for that stupid wall.
It’s not clear if this interview will be done in writing or in person or some combination. If they do talk in person, it could be an opportunity to catch Trump lying under oath as opposed to lying into a camera, microphone, or in a tweet like he usually does.
If I was Robert Mueller, while I was asking questions, I’d ask how he does the comb-over. I’d just say, “Are you pulling from the back to the front, or kind of twirling? And I will remind you that you’re under oath.”
Jan. 17: A lot of people were skeptical when they heard Trump only weighs 239 pounds. But it actually checks out when you remember that for the weigh-in, Trump took off his clothes and hair.
Still, they say Trump hopes to drop 10-15 pounds this year. While Melania hopes to drop 239.
Today, Sen. Jeff Flake gave a big speech on the Senate floor, and he compared President Trump to Russian dictator Joseph Stalin. Trump said, “Why? ’Cuz we were both elected by Russians?”
After he was accused of making racist remarks in a meeting last week, Trump tweeted that his approval rating among black voters has doubled. That story again: Two times zero is still zero.
But this morning, Eric Trump went on “Fox & Friends” and passionately defended his father. While at home, the president was like, “Where do I know that guy from…”
Yesterday, in Japan, someone sent a false alert about a North Korean missile. Then the guy who sent it said, “Yeah… I might’ve lied about why I left my last job in Hawaii.”
The U.K. just appointed a “Minister of Loneliness,” as if Morrissey isn’t enough.
The U.K. just appointed its first-ever “Minister of Loneliness.” Even worse, she’s the only person in the world with that job.
Congrats to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who just welcomed a baby girl this week! I don’t have a joke for that — I just wanna think back to the good old days when THAT would be our lead story. Remember that? Wasn’t that nice?
Jan. 18: The big story today was that Congress had just one day left to prevent a government shutdown. But don’t worry, it will only affect nonessential government employees like park rangers, museum guides, and the president. So that will be fine.
I guess Congress had 24 hours to pass a short-term spending bill if they want to avoid a shutdown. Trump told them to do their jobs, then went back to announcing the winners of a made-up awards show.
Last night Trump tweeted a link to his fake-news awards page. But for a while, it wouldn’t load. His IT guy was like [imitates Putin], “Sorry, my trolls can only build so fast.”
Trump named The New York Times, ABC News, and CNN as the top three reporters of fake news. His top three reporters of real news were Fox News, his Magic 8-ball, and Snapple caps.
Trump actually has two cellphones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book.
Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.”
Two new ax-throwing bars will open in Boston this year. Boston is getting a new bar where people can try ax-throwing. So far, all the customers give it one-and-a-half thumbs up.
Sunday is the AFC Championship game between the Patriots and the Jaguars. But Tom Brady injured his hand. People said, “What happened?” He said, “You know that new ax-throwing bar?”
Jan. 22: Good news — it looks like the government shutdown is over. They shut it down, and they started it back up. It’s nice to know Trump’s plan for fixing the government is the same as fixing a Windows computer. “Did you try unplugging it? Wait 10 seconds.”
Saturday was the second annual Women’s March, and thousands of women held signs protesting the president. But Trump was like, “Joke’s on you — I can’t read.”
Last night, the Eagles moved on to the Super Bowl after beating the Vikings 38 to 7. The last time someone got beat up that bad in Philadelphia, he had to move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.
Also, the New England Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl. Did you see this though? It looked like one of the referees was actually celebrating with the Patriots after the game. When asked if the game was rigged, the ref said, [Russian accent] “No, was completely normal game of American football. Heh-heh.”
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn daughter Chicago West. That sounds less like a baby and more like something that would air on Thursdays at 10 p.m. on NBC. “Next on ‘Chicago West…’”
Jan. 23: Today a White House adviser compared President Trump to Houdini, because “if you keep him in a cage, he’s gonna get out.” When asked how he knows that, he said, “’Cuz we put him in a cage… and he got out.”
He said Trump’s like Houdini. If you think about it, Trump IS a pretty good magician — in the past year, he sawed his approval rating in half and made everyone who worked for him disappear.
Trump keeps demanding money for his border wall even though there are limited funds. Trump is like that couple on “House Hunters” who wants a five-bedroom mansion on a $70,000 budget. [imitates Trump] “And it has to have marble countertops! That is a must! I won’t even look at it!”
The White House announced new restrictions on washing machines imported to the U.S. It’s partially to protect consumers, mainly because Trump was eating too many Tide Pods.
This is cool. The History Channel’s show “Pawn Stars” is celebrating its 500th episode. To celebrate, the network gave the producers gold watches, which they immediately knew were fake.
Jan. 17: After the White House released the results of President Trump’s physical, Sports Illustrated said that based on Trump’s size he would most likely play linebacker or tight end in the NFL. And based on his tweets he’s most likely a player who would be placed in the concussion protocol.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, the salacious new book on the inner workings of the Trump White House is set to become a TV series. They’re calling it “The Worst Wing.”
According to a new report, President Trump’s alleged affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels lasted 11 months. Wow, only Trump would date a porn star and then dump her right before he had to buy her an anniversary present.
Jan. 18: President Trump claimed that he scored higher on his cognitive test than all his predecessors. His psychological test could use a little work, though [shows three Rorschach images]: “Hillary Clinton in prison… Hillary Clinton in prison… A butterfly talking to Hillary Clinton in prison.”
Following several postponements, Vice President Mike Pence will finally begin his trip to the Middle East tomorrow. Apparently, it took them a long time to get his face to show up in front of a white background for his passport photo.
In a new interview, White House special counsel Ty Cobb said that he expects the Russia investigation to wrap up in the next four to six weeks. Though based on his mustache, he’s not great at estimating how long something will last.
Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.
A funeral home in Canada is reportedly under investigation after they cremated the wrong woman’s body. Even after she told them, “Stop! I’m the wrong woman!”
Zac Efron will play serial killer Ted Bundy in an upcoming movie. Even weirder, the movie is “High School Musical 4.”
Jan. 22: Hundreds of thousands of women across the country this weekend participated in the second Women’s March to protest President Trump’s policies. [shows of photo of crowd holding signs]. And what better way to attack Trump than with exercise and reading.
To try to avoid the government shutdown, President Trump sat down with Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer on Friday over cheeseburgers. “Are you gonna finish that?” said Schumer, about Trump’s first term.
Vice President Mike Pence today called reports claiming that President Trump had an affair with an adult film star nothing more than “baseless allegations.” That’s right, it’s just another case of “she said, he paid.”
Amazon has opened its first cashier-less convenience store in Seattle. But they’ve already been one-upped by CVS, whose stores apparently have no employees at all.
Jan. 23: Following reports that President Trump carried on an affair with a porn star shortly after the birth of his youngest son, the head of the conservative Family Research Council said in a new interview that Trump deserves a “do-over.” OK, but I doubt she’d still be into it.
According to Vanity Fair, White House staffers have nicknamed Chief of Staff John Kelly “the Church Lady.” And Steve Bannon lives in a van, down by the river.
Rum maker Bacardi announced yesterday that it is acquiring Patron Spirits for $5.1 billion. And like most Bacardi announcements, it was shouted at 5 a.m. in the back seat of an Uber.
The Taj Mahal is currently undergoing its first cleaning since its construction in the 1600s. “Maybe we should do that,” said New York.
Jan. 17: Remember a few weeks back when President Trump announced that he was going to reveal the winners of his fake news awards? He said that they would be awards for the most corrupt and biased reporting. Well, tonight was the day, and he finally announced them. When we went to watch the awards, the website immediately crashed.
This is what most people saw when they went to the page [screenshot of Trump giving thumbs-up with headline “404 Error”]. Is that the website for the fake news awards or the current website for the United States of America? Only Trump would put a picture of himself giving a thumbs-up next to the message that says “Error.”
Eventually we got through and it was just a website. There was no show, no celebrity presenters, no Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. It was literally just a typed-up list. That’s what he kept us waiting for. That is not an awards ceremony; that is a Craigslist ad.
It was no surprise an award was given to CNN. They won for falsely reporting that Trump overfed fish on his trip to Japan. Glad he cleared that up, because that’s the crisis in Asia looming on the horizon that everyone is worried about. Not nuclear missiles — bloated koi fish.
Jan. 18: President Trump’s border wall is back in the news. Because while speaking to the Hispanic caucus in Washington yesterday, chief of staff John Kelly told lawmakers that when Trump promised voters a Mexican border wall during his campaign, he had not been, quote, “fully informed.” Now to be fair, “not fully informed” could describe literally any statement Trump has made since 2003.
Trump immediately shot back at this, saying his plan for a border wall remains the same. He tweeted, “The wall is the wall. It has never changed or evolved from the first day I conceived of it.” Great, now he thinks he invented walls.
“The wall is the wall.” It sounds like Mark Wahlberg referring to himself in the third person.
I can’t believe Trump and his chief of staff are fighting in public like this. But I’ve got to say, what I am really looking forward to is what nickname Trump is going to use when he eventually attacks Gen. Kelly on Twitter. Right now, my money is on Smelly Kelly. But I should say, if you are a betting person, here are the current Vegas odds right now [shows betting pool]: Jelly Belly Kelly is at 2 to 1, while John “The John as in Toilet!” Kelly is 6 to 1. A dark horse at 11 to 1 is “Kellyanne Johnway.” And at 16 to 1, gaining pace, is “Genital John Kelly.” So place your bets, good luck, everyone.
After his doctor earlier this week said that he would recommend Trump exercise more, the president said yesterday that he gets “more exercise than people think.” Does he? I am not sure backpedaling on campaign promises counts as exercise.
Although, many doctors agree that Trump tweets so furiously, it technically counts as cardio.
In Touch magazine is set to drop a 5,000-word interview with porn star Stormy Daniels about a 2006 affair when she allegedly had sex with Donald Trump. All 5,000 of those words are “ew, ew, ew, ew.”
Jan. 17: Tonight was the long-awaited, rescheduled day that Donald Trump announced his fake media awards, the Fakies. And I’m proud to say that at 5:15 today, “The Late Show” won Fakest in Late Night. On behalf of everyone here at “The Late Show” I just want to say thank you, sir. And I would say I’m humbled, but I think we deserve it — in part because I’m lying right now, we didn’t win.
Meanwhile, this is good news: We still have a government for, like, 48 hours, something like that. You see, after the breakdown of DACA negotiations, Congress is hurtling toward a government shutdown. Well, maybe not hurtling. The average age of a U.S. senator is 62, so shambling.
Despite controlling the presidency and both houses of Congress, the GOP needs Democratic votes to keep the government open. The Democrats will only do that if Trump supports DACA, but Trump will only agree to DACA if he gets his border wall. It’s all detailed in the new thriller [pic of Trump and congressional leaders] “Taken 4: Oops, All Kidnappers.”
Of course, the nation is still reeling from the shocking news that our president is perfectly healthy. Yesterday, the president’s doctor declared Trump in excellent physical and cognitive health. Yeah, Trump should be on the cover of “Men’s Health,” or rather, “Men’s HEALTH?!”
Jan. 22: I’m excited. We should all be excited because as of this taping, America has a government!
Here’s what happened: This afternoon, after intense closed-door negotiations, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal to reopen the government. Well, thank God that’s done and we don’t have to think about it again until… February 8.
The two-day shutdown almost didn’t happen at all because on Friday, Sen. Chuck Schumer met with Trump at the White House and they “came close to a deal over cheeseburgers.” That’s smart — get him all burgered up first. Although, if they’re eating burgers, I think that means they were negotiating in Trump’s bed.
To avoid another shutdown, all that needs to happen is Congress has to agree on how to fix our entire immigration system in 17 days. And once they do that, the pigs that fly will solve world hunger.
And the leverage that Chuck Schumer thinks he’s got is that voters will all remember, 17 days from now, that Mitch McConnell promised to hold a vote on DACA by February 8. Can you remember what happened 17 days ago? I can’t. I’m guessing in two days we’re going to forget the name Stormy Daniels. That was the hurricane that spanked the Gulf Coast, right?
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for the most current update.
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Want to know why we need more comedians like Tim Conway and Harvey Korman? THIS is why: (2:47)
And of course no Farsider entry about Tim would be complete without his famous Elephant Story. While it made it onto video tape, only the live audience got to see it in real time. At the end, Tim and Dick Van Dyck were literally rolling on the floor with laughter after Vicki Lawrence SAID, in reference to Tim’s story, “Is that little ass—— through?” (4:55)
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Seems like we receive a request to run this clip every month or two (this is at least the fourth time we have included it in the Farsider). It’s an excerpt of then-President Bill Clinton talking about immigration enforcement at the Jan. 24, 1995 State of the Union address. Pay ATTENTION Dave Clayton and Mike Thompson. We don’t know when we will include the clip again. (0:53)
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Diamond and Silk — the new darlings of the Republican party — just offered their opinion on the recent women’s march. THIS was posted on Jan. 21st. (3:37)
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Illusionists keep getting better and better. When Penn and Teller challenged Stuart MacDonald to fool them, he did. Odds are he will fool YOU, too. (8:42)
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You say you’re afraid of heights? Then we doubt you want to stand on top of the Golden Gate Bridge and watch this crew remove and replace a couple of microwave dish antennas. For the rest of you, click HERE and enjoy the view of the Bay and the City from atop the bridge. (11:05)
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According to Tom McCready…
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This clip from China via Lumpy starts out with the reaction of a couple of guys walking on a glass bridge that is designed to appear as if it is breaking (prank). How they react alone is worth a CLICK. (6:44)
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What we have here ladies and gents are several people as well as a deer and two dogs that should have purchased a lottery ticket after THESE close calls. Is there a rule that says an animal can’t win the lottery? (2:42)
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Caution: Idiot criminals at work: When this dufas tried to knock over a cell phone store in Houston, the owner managed to flee with another employee and a customer and her baby through the front door and lock it behind her, leaving the thief inside with no ESCAPE as there was no back door. (2:26)
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A Nun’s prayer was answered when JoAnn and Lisa from Hope for Paws responded to RESCUE this dog and cat. (3:48)
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This rescued Chihuahua was not a happy camper until after he was rescued and give a new, much HAPPIER life. (4:45)
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Levi had to undergo a few moments of trauma in this rescue from six years ago in order to experience a LIFETIME of happiness. (3:27)
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Back by popular demand is this clip of an amazing K-9 performance. “That sound you hear, SOLDIER, is reveille; get your butt out of the sack and face the day!” (4:04)
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This video is a little longer than usual and may appeal only to bird lovers. It’s about a guy who finds a tiny egg in a destroyed nest and uses his incubator to bring a tiny hatchling to life, then setting it FREE to explore the world. (13:48)
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The problem with watching this clip of 28 hacks is remembering those you want to TRY. (15:14)
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If you want to view some amazing footage, check out this time lapse video sent in by Dirk Parsons. It spans 30 days on the open ocean and takes you through thunderstorms, torrential rains and into ports of call where the vessel is unloaded, then loaded again before it sets sail for another DESTINATION. (10:00)
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Would you fly with his 5-year-old at the controls of your aircraft? I might not feel comfortable with him in the left seat, but he sounds like he might be qualified to sit on the First Officer’s side of the cockpit. Check out THIS clip we received from Roger Coen. (2:52)
As a follow-up, here is a short clip we found of the now 6-year-old GENIUS at the controls of an Airbus A-380 simulator. (1:40)
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If you like seeing young people smile while they dance and and have a good time, you should enjoy this week’s closer. The theme of this flash mob was “Living the Dream.” It took place at the St. Pancras railway station in London and was exceptionally well received by the onlookers. Click HERE and see for yourself. (5:59)
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Pic of the Week
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 1/25/18
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
Hayward Brandon — Added
Tim Knea — Address change
To receive the email address of anyone on the list — or to receive the roster with all of the email addresses — send your request to <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark “Mo”
O’Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve