The Farsider is an independent
publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association's Board of Directors or its membership.
SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE...
NO SERVICES SCHEDULED
We have received some queries regarding any funerals or memorial services for Dewey Moore, Roger Malcolm or Manny Becerra. None have been received as of press time today.
PBA MEETING REMINDER, LAST OF THE YEAR
The PBA will be holding its final dinner meeting of the year at the POA Hall this coming Wednesday, Nov. 16th. (The Assn. does not meet in Dec.) As usual, the bar will open at 5:00 with dinner being served sometime around 6:00. All members are encouraged to attend.
The annual election for your SJPOA President, Vice President and up to six Board Members has begun! Voting will end at 8:00 AM on Wednesday, November 16, 2016. Please take a moment to click HERE to log in and review the candidates and vote.
Reminder: If you have previously logged in to the POA website, you can easily log in by entering the information in the green section labeled "Returning POA Member Log In" on the POA Member Log In page. In this section, there is no need to remember your Username & Password.
This won’t be news to those of you who reside locally and/or take the Mercury News, but it might be for those retirees who live outside the area. Keeping in mind that the paper published the following before ALL of the votes had been counted, it is safe to say that Measure F has passed, as pointed out in the Retirees' Assn. News post below.
By Robert Salonga <email@example.com>
Mercury News — Nov. 9, 2016
SAN JOSE — Among key South Bay ballot measures Tuesday night, a pension item considered vital to replenishing the undermanned San Jose Police Department is leading in early returns, and voters appear to be cold to competing items involving a revitalization project for the beleaguered Vallco property in Cupertino. Police restoration measure headed for approval Measure F, leading by a near 2-to-1 ratio in early returns, enshrines a hard-fought pension settlement between San Jose and the city’s labor unions that was seen as the only real path to rebuild a San Jose Police Department that has shrunk by a third in eight years. It was pushed vigorously by an unusual triumvirate of SJPD, City Hall and the San Jose Police Officers’ Association, which had been at odds with each other over previous incarnations of the issue.
Police brass say Measure F is vital in its plans to attract officers both new and former, arguing they have not been competitive at recruiting fairs and other efforts because of the pension and benefits battle. It had become impossible to ignore the effects that pension-reform predecessor Measure B had on a sharp officer exodus, and Mayor Sam Liccardo worked with the police union to forge a compromise reached in the summer of 2015 that restored many benefits for city workers but achieved some of the initially sought savings by paring down benefits for new employees.
“We’ve demonstrated that we can get a lot more done working together,” Liccardo said.
The mayor, who supported Measure B, said the negative perception it carried among current and prospective officers forced him and other city leaders to revisit the issue.
“It gave us a reason to say, ‘Let’s hit rewind,’ ” Liccardo said.
Saw the recent article about a ‘Wedge” of officers. (Mail Call by Ken Hawkes in last week’s Farsider.) Unfortunately the photo does not show that we were surrounded by at least 3,000 angry wannabe protester pukes that had worked themselves into a frenzy. This was the DOW Chemical demonstration at San Jose State. The company had been recruiting on campus and was responsible for making the napalm bombs being used in Vietnam.
I was in the Academy at San Jose City College, which took place 8 months after I was hired in Feb. We already had street experience by then and slept through much of the week or two of the Academy. Nothing like what the recruits go through now.
At the Dow demonstration, Sgt. Bill Brown had us form a wedge and march to save the Administration building at San Jose State, which had been surrounded by hysterical demonstrators who were breaking windows.
We had little training (an hour or so of marching around on the police garage roof) and were poorly equipped; no gas masks and no riot gear, although we did have our batons. Brian McNamara was in the center of the wedge when someone came up with a bag of old assorted tear gas grenades.
I don’t think Brian was aware of the blast dispersion distance from the continuous discharge type of grenade. Luckily for us, there was a slight wind blowing west to east that amazingly put the gas into the hysterical crowd where we wanted it.
I remember one guy picking up a dispersion grenade thrown in the mass of protestors. Just as he was getting ready to throw it back the damn thing blew up in his hand. He was last seen being carried off by some of his buddies. We saw that as the most effective way to disperse the crowd because the protestors ran like hell away and were afraid to pick up any other grenades. Those who had picked up the continuous discharge grenades suffered severely burned hands because they got exceptionally hot.
I remember Lloyd Rice and (I think) Tom Anthony in front of this wedge while I was somewhere on the right. The shorter guys were put farthest back (me being one). Even so, we got a lot of stick time in. (It was also referred to as “Thump the dummy” back then.) I remember someone threw a metal lightweight chair at us and it bounced off Anthony or Rice’s helmet and then mine. Our “Brain Buckets” worked pretty well.
This was one of the first organized demonstrations in the US, and it certainly woke the department up. After this we had lots of training, but it was seldom used. We were bused to demonstrations in SF and Berkeley, but the commanders were afraid to commit using us, and it was lots of “hurry up and wait.”
Those were the days of change for law enforcement, and the San Jose PD was not to be messed with. I would classify this as part of the “Curbside Judgment” philosophy that seemed to work in those days.
Lou Balesteri 1298 <firstname.lastname@example.org>
• • • • •
I can't believe it. I can't believe that he did it, against the Clinton blue wall, against all the door knockers and phone callers, and against all the odds and all the charts and all the polls and pollsters and prognosticators, against all the tweeters and facebookers, and those on social media, and against the entire smug liberal media class, against the serving President, and even against a large portion of his own party. Almost single handedly he pulled it off. I'm still in shock. He tapped into that great (mostly) silent American core anger. What an upset!! Poor Bill C.; no more back door deals. The dragon lady gets vanquished.
Dave (Scannell) <email@example.com>
Didn’t you forget to acknowledge someone who made his win possible? I’m thinking of Hillary.
NEW VANGUARD AVAILABLE ONLINE
Dear Vanguard Reader,
The November 2016 eVanguard is now online. Hard copies of the magazine should have already arrived in the mail.
Please note that the ad for Santa at the POA in the hard copy of the Vanguard has the wrong dates listed, but the soft copy is correct. Santa at the POA will be held from 4:00 PM - 7:00 PM on Tuesday, December 6th, and Friday, December 9th.
Please click HERE to go to the POA website, then on the image of the Vanguard to download the PDF.
RETIREES’ ASSN. NEWS
As you know, Measure F, the agreement to fix San Jose's pension debacle was the Association's top election priority this year. Voters in San Jose have spoken clearly: it's time to fix our police and fire departments. Currently, Measure F has over 61% support in San Jose. What does this mean? It means the harmful attacks on the pensions and disability protections of police officers, fire fighters and other city employees is over.
Your Association teamed with the SJPOA, Local 230, every San Jose employee union, the South Bay Labor Council, Mayor Liccardo, nine city councilmembers among others to pass Measure F. It's time for San Jose to move forward.
San Jose also passed Measure G, which will modernize the City's business tax, creating more revenue for City services by a 65% margin.
As it relates to our endorsed City Council candidates, Sergio Jiminez has a solid lead in District 2 (replacing Ash Kalra) with 54% of the vote; Helen Chapman trails 46% to 53% to Dev Davis in District 6 (replacing Pierluigi Oliverio). Santa Clara County has only counted just over 50% of the vote, so we will continue to monitor these races.
Mike Alford, President <firstname.lastname@example.org>
KEITH KELLEY CHRISTMAS DINNER DANCE INFORMATION
The Keith Kelley Club is announcing its
2016 Christmas Dinner Dance
“Good Will To All”
Saturday, December 3rd
1350 North 1st Street, San Jose
Retired Members Party — 5:30 to 6:30 p.m.
General Membership Cocktails — 6:30 to 7:00 p.m.
Dinner — 7:30 to 8:30 p.m.
Dancing — 8:30 to Midnight
Tickets can be obtained at <www.KeithKelleyClub.com> or from:
Communications – Mariana Ramirez
Office of the Chief – Dana/Anau
O.S.S.D. – Veronica Andrade
Retirees – Margie Thompson <email@example.com>
Table Arrangements – Ted Vasquez – <Vasquezted@yahoo.com>
Tickets are free for members and $75 for guests
Call 408-421-3785 for questions or email <Membership@KKC@gmail.com>
— Please bring a new, unwrapped toy to be given to charity—
~ ~ ~
To receive an email with just the form below, send a request to <firstname.lastname@example.org>
KEITH KELLEY 2016 CHRISTMAS DINNER DANCE RESERVATION FORM
GUN SAFETY CLASS FOR YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS
November 12, the San Jose Municipal Shooting Range is offering a free outreach
program to teach safe handling and reduce the fear factor some Officers'
significant others and members of the public have of firearms.
Staffed by volunteer instructors and coaches from the Santa Clara Valley Rifle club the event is aimed at anyone who is shooting for the first time. A short safety briefing is followed by the opportunity to fire .22 caliber pistols, rifles and revolvers under the individual supervision of a range safety officer. All firearms and ammo are provided by the club at no charge.
A BFO officer commented on Yelp, "I brought my wife to the free program. It was the first time she picked up a firearm. The volunteer Range Officer made sure she was safe and comfortable. His coaching was so friendly and helpful that by the time we left she was talking about wanting to join me whenever I go shooting."
Sign in begins at 2pm at the San Jose Municipal Firing Range, 1580 South 10th Street (Just south of the Ice Center), on the second Saturday of each month. That’s THIS SATURDAY. No advance reservations are necessary.
For further info contact former SJPD Reserve Deputy Chief and NRA instructor Dick Reizner at (408) 828-3555 or <Dick@Reizner.com>.
THE MEL COTTON'S MARTY FELDMAN CONNECTION
This week it was announced that Mel Cotton’s Sporting Goods on W. San Carlos St. was closing down after 70 years in business. It would not be fair to tell one last Mel Cottons story and your local Police Dept. that are a little different from the many alarm calls and burglars caught there over the years, or the "foot race & spill" that two officers suffered while trying to determine who could run faster in the alley at the rear of Mel’s and OC MacDonalds. But I digress…
Circa 1983: A robbery of the bookkeeper from Mel Cotton’s occurred in the parking lot of the B of A on W. San Carlos, in the same shopping center where Sees Candy had a retail discount store; the one where police and fire got a ‘huge’ discount when showing their ID.
It was mid-morning on a Monday. The Mel Cottons bookkeeper was enroute to deposit the weekend receipts when she was robbed in the parking lot in front of the bank. Next in line for assignments were two detectives from General Crimes: Sgts. Walt Robinson and John Strickland. Though they were not assigned as partners, they were about to be, for this case. Both were paged to “call the office ASAP.”
A few minutes later, Walt was on the phone to the office inquiring as to the "urgent page," It was explained by his Lieutenant that the bookkeeper from Mel Cotton’s had been robbed of the weekend receipts in the parking lot in front of the nearby B of A, and that he and John were to handle the case, go to Mel Cottons and interview the clerk. Sure that he was being pranked for reasons I will explain shortly, Walt's reply was similar to..."Yeah...sure....where are you?"
Trying to maintain civility and decorum, the Lieutenant again told Walt to go to Mel Cotton’s and handle the case. With a little more verbal questioning of his Lieutenant, Walt was more evasive and continued to ask questions such as "Where are you?" From the Lieutenant of the Robbery/General Crimes/Homicide office came an even more emphatic instruction for Walt and John to go to Mel Cotton’s, contact the store manager and take the robbery investigation. More chuckles and questions came from Walt, not seeming to grasp that this was the real deal.
Walt remained in the question mode of "Where are you Lieutenant?" Trying to remain calm and civil, the Lieutenant directed Walt to see the store manager, whose name was Marty Feldman, and handle the case. (Marty Feldman, as many know, is a Hollywood actor known for his crossed, bulging eyes. He played the role of the hunchback in Mel Brooks’ “Young Frankenstein.”)
Being given the name of the Marty Feldman as the contact person virtually confirmed in Walt’s mind that he and John were the target of a prank.
More back and forth between Walt and his Lieutenant finally concluded with Walt asking a store clerk, “Ma’am, who’s the store manager here?” When she replied “Marty Feldman,” Walt nearly “made doo-doo in his pants!” (Editor reserves the right to change the author’s choice of words.)
It turns out that Walt and John were inside Mel Cotton’s the entire time buying some camping equipment and were sure they were being spied upon by someone inside the store who was “setting them up” as they were shopping on company time.
With the realization that the robbery and investigation assignment was real, they jumped on the case and went to the scene of the crime in front of the bank where they found a witness who saw the suspect duck into a yard a half-block down the street. They also found some discarded checks, I.D.’d the perpetrator and put out an APB. Three months later the suspect was apprehended halfway across the country.
(Sorry, Walt, but I felt compelled to bring up this 33-year-old event as a final memory about the closing of Mel Cotton’s.)
Bob Moir <email@example.com>
P.S. The reference to the “foot race” alluded to in the opening paragraph above was about then-car partners Roger Finton and Ken Yules who got into a "heated discussion" about who could run faster? They finally decided on a time and distance foot race in the area between Mel Cotton’s and nearby O.C. MacDonald’s Plumbing. Exiting their marked unit and stripping off their duty belts, the race was on. All went well until Roger (bless his dearly departed soul) went "ass over tea kettle" down, injuring his knees and tearing his uniform pants. Off to the aid station for repairs they went, then to the office to prepare the paperwork describing how the injury occurred. Chief Elmer Klein didn't take too kindly to their creative report about the “suspect they were chasing who somehow managed to get away!” (True story...just ask Yules.)
HOW GOOD IS YOUR MEMORY?
“THAT’S ALL BROTHER” — SAVING THE AIRPLANE THAT LED THE D-DAY INVASION
How The First Allied Plane Over D-Day Was Nearly Lost And Chopped Apart In A Boneyard
Click HERE to watch the video (4:17)
There’s a reason why people love rummaging through old barns, attics and boneyards: there’s always the possibility of stumbling across some old treasure there. In this case, an old relic from World War II with quite a history.
This C-47, named That’s All, Brother as a personal message to Adolf Hitler, was the transport plane that led the D-Day invasion of Normandy. Leading a formation of more than 800 aircraft that dropped 13,000 paratroopers behind enemy lines, it was part of one of the biggest aircraft armada ever.
What happened after that? Warbird News explained a year ago as this rescue story had only begun:
The aircraft remained on combat status throughout the European campaign, participating in Operation Market Garden, the relief of Bastogne during the Battle of the Bulge, and the crossing of the Rhine River. After the war it passed through sixteen civilian owners and its story was forgotten.
It was assumed that That’s All, Brother was torn down for parts, a fate that befell many other aircraft of the era. Last year, though, it was discovered in an aircraft boneyard in Wisconsin completely by accident. It had been bought by Basler Turbo Conversions to convert into a BT-67 turboprop, who had no idea what they had on their hands.
After learning this, a non-profit organization called the Commemorative Air Force sprang into action, intent on saving the plane by purchasing it from Basler. It started a Kickstarter campaign and quickly met its goal.
Currently, That’s All, Brother is being restored to its original WWII splendor, according to Redditor RailfanGuy. It will be used to teach people about D-Day and the U.S. airborne troops once it’s finished.
The CAF hopes to fly the plane back to Europe for the 75th anniversary of D-Day in 2019.
Click HERE for an update on That’s All Brother. (2:20)
STORIES OF THE WEEK
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. But they refused and asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car instead.
After persuading the auto maker to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees. they turned on the air conditioner and the car cooled down immediately.
Henry Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label that would read "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" positioned on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Old man Ford, however, was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was willing to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
After haggling back and forth for two hours the four brothers finally settled on $2.5 million, plus a guarantee that only their first names would appear on the dashboard of each car that came out of the factory with the air-conditioner installed.
And to this day, all Ford air-conditioner controls read "Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max."
• • • • •
The Soldier and the Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt...I'll explain later."
The nun agreed.
A moment later, two Military Policemen ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great looking pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have also seen a pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either."
• • • • •
This item from our "Oldie But Goody" file is about entries submitted to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, followed by the least romantic second line:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming;
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
That describes everything you're not.
I thought that I could love no other;
That is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you;
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, your eyes;
Damn, I'm good at telling lies.
My love, you take my breath away;
What have you stepped in to smell that way?
My feelings for you no words can tell;
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Who said poetry is boring?
NOT GOOD NEWS FOR THE WEINER...
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
Nov. 2 — 7
Nov. 2: A new poll finds that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a statistical tie just a week from Election Day. But on the bright side, at least Trump’s finally in a tie that was made in America.
A pair of tickets to tonight’s Game 7 sold on StubHub for almost $40,000. And the couple still left in the seventh inning to beat traffic. “Get your purse, Linda, we’ll catch the end on the radio.”
Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have run national commercials during the World Series games, marking the only time Cubs and Indians fans were booing at the same time.
Apple’s new iOS update actually changed the peach emoji so that it no longer looks like a cartoon butt.
A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet.
Nov. 3: Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs, who won their first World Series in 108 years. When asked how it was to witness history, Cubs fans said, “I don’t remember.”
They mentioned the tarp used during last night’s rain delay was once a poncho worn by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.
Another big story is that Cubs team president Theo Epstein has now ended World Series droughts for both the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox. Now, he’s going to take on his toughest job yet, president of RadioShack.
Theo Epstein said last night that he’s going on a month-long bender to celebrate. Hillary Clinton was like, “If you can wait five more days, I’ll join you.”
Nov. 7: The election is finally here and tomorrow, people who cast their vote will receive one of those “I Voted” stickers. Actually, with such a crazy election, they’re going with a different sticker this year: “So, That Happened.”
The New York Times reported that people running Donald Trump’s campaign have blocked him from using Twitter. More accurately, they’ve switched his phone with a calculator, and he still hasn’t noticed.
Sources say that Trump is already finalizing his cabinet in case he wins tomorrow. Rudy Giuliani would be attorney general, Newt Gingrich would be secretary of state, and Chris Christie would be the wall.
Out of the 100 largest newspapers in America, Hillary has been endorsed by 57, while Trump has only been endorsed by two. The most shocking part of that story is that America still has 100 newspapers.
Nov. 2: Wednesday night at the Apollo is usually amateur night, but since our show is here tonight, we’re going to aim lower than that — and we will hit it!
What an insane week this is. The Cubs may win the World Series, Donald Trump may be elected president, and the whitest man in America is on stage at the Apollo! It’s officially the end of days, ladies and gentlemen. This was prophesied in the Bible.
The rumor now is that there’s a Donald Trump sex tape. Yes! In response, Trump is saying, “Vote for me or I’ll release it.“
Yesterday, in a speech, President Obama said that when voting, young men should look deep inside themselves. So, as of an hour ago, the front-runner is Kate Upton.
Nov. 2: It was National Stress Awareness day today and due to the election, plenty of people have something to be stressed about. In fact, when asked on a scale of one to 10 how stressed they are right now, most voters punched the pollster in the face.
If you think it is stressful for you, at least you can vote. I’m British. I’m on the sidelines. To me, this is just the most important season of “The Bachelor” ever. Give her the rose, America.
Now a lot of voters’ stress has been caused by the bombshell FBI Director James Comey dropped on Friday when he said he was going to investigate more emails on Hillary’s private server. Trump’s feeling so sure of himself now that he actually asked early Hillary voters in Wisconsin to change their vote if they have “buyer’s remorse.” Yeah, and if anyone knows about buyer’s remorse, it is the guy who gets remarried every few years.
In fact, buyer’s remorse is the only thing that anyone learned from enrolling at Trump University.
If anyone has buyer’s remorse, it’s the Republican Party, isn’t it? They’re like, “Can I exchange this Trump for a Marco Rubio? What’s that, you only have a Ben Carson? Don’t worry, we’re fine.”
No matter what side you’re on, people are stressed about what’s about to happen after the election. In fact, things have gotten so crazy that Joe Walsh, a former Republican congressman, tweeted: “On Nov. 8, I’m voting for Trump. On Nov. 9, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket.” To be honest, it is just nice to hear a Republican saying is he going to grab something that’s not part of a woman.
Nov. 3: The FDA is currently debating whether the chocolate hazelnut topping Nutella should be classified as a dessert or a spread. Which is ridiculous. Nutella isn’t a dessert or a spread, it’s a cry for help.
The Food and Drug Administration is asking people what they use Nutella for, and 37 percent said dessert, 23 percent said as a spread, and 40 percent said they use it as a replacement for their girlfriend.
Also in the news, last night the Cubs won the World Series for the first time since 1908. That’s so long ago, the 2016 election hadn’t even started yet.
The Cubs went 108 years without winning the World Series. The only drought more epic than that was the one I experienced during college. I’m joking — I didn’t go to college.
Now, you may have noticed that a lot of times on this show I have taken issue with baseball. I have said some terrible things about baseball in the past. Things like, “I don’t like baseball. I can’t bear it, make the games five hours shorter.”
Nov. 7: In less than 24 hours the election will be over. Right now, Hillary has the edge and Trump supporters are threatening that if she wins, there might be a revolution. Americans these days can’t get nine guys to show up for softball every Thursday night, do you think they’re going to be signing up for a revolt?
They’re going to be like, “Ah, I can’t do Wednesday, I’ve got a parent-teacher conference Wednesday. Can we move the revolt to the weekend?” “I can’t, the kids have got judo. They’re doing so well.”
One thing helping Hillary is the fact that FBI Director James Comey told Congress on Sunday that his latest probe into her emails still found no evidence of wrongdoing. This is a complete reversal of the bombshell letter he sent last week. It makes Director Comey look really bad; in fact, now at the top of the FBI’s most wanted list is a new FBI director. This investigation of Clinton’s emails was built up to be this huge game-changer and in the end there was nothing to it. It was basically the Apple Watch of scandals.
The early voting results are in and on Saturday, Nickelodeon announced the winner of its Kids Pick the President initiative. This is an event where school kids vote, and the majority were overwhelmingly for Hillary Clinton. Nickelodeon may have voted for Hillary, but we need to find out what Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel say before we can call it a lock.
Nov. 3: Last night was the most watched baseball game in 25 years. The Cubs won the World Series for the first time since 1908. If there were any Cubs fans still alive from the last time they won, they definitely died in the eighth inning.
It was funny hearing all the reporters after the game saying things like the last time the Cubs won the World Series you couldn’t listen to it on the radio because radio hadn’t been invented yet, and the last time the Cubs won the World Series, people weren’t able to clap because we still had flippers. What we now call humans were still evolving from the sea.
Ted Cruz wants to make America great again. Remember the guy everyone wanted to punch in the face? He campaigned on behalf of Trump today, a man who insulted his wife and his father and his face.
Back then Ted Cruz called Trump a sniveling coward, but at a rally with Mike Pence today, he told the crowd he believes Donald Trump is the sniveling coward this country needs right now. Clearly, the man has no principles whatsoever.
Nov. 7: If you haven’t yet registered to vote, it’s not — oh, wait, it IS too late, forget it, you don’t get to vote.
Tomorrow we will elect either Biff from “Back to the Future” or one of the robots from “Westworld.” You will decide.
There used to be a tradition of heavy drinking on Election Day. People used to get drunk like St. Patrick’s Day, then they passed all sorts of laws to prevent that from happening. I think this is the year to bring that tradition back.
If there’s one thing that we learned from this election, it’s that we never, ever should have taught our moms how to use Facebook; that was a mistake.
There’s been a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing. Whoever wins, I want us to all promise one thing: Let’s never do this again.
We tried democracy, I think we proved we’re not mature enough to handle it, we can’t do this. Let’s go back to only caring about pet videos.
In other words, stand in line and then take that “I Voted” sticker and put it right over your lips. We don’t want to hear about it anymore.
In less than 24 hours the election will be over. The race for the White House in 2020 will begin in two months, I guess.
Nov. 2: Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password.
After the KKK’s official newspaper endorsed Donald Trump yesterday, the campaign released a response calling the paper “repulsive, also their crossword puzzle is way too easy.” [shows crossword with letter “K” in every square]
A recent study found that always letting children win games in competitions could damage their ability to learn. Which is scary, because [shows picture of pouting Trump] we’re six days away from letting the biggest child win the biggest game.
In anticipation of her victory, Hillary Clinton has reportedly planned a fireworks show over the Hudson River for election night. Oh god, remember how excited she got over balloons? What’s she going to do if she sees fireworks?
Nov. 3: So the Indians lost last night. While other minorities will find out if they lost on Tuesday.
Authorities are investigating why an official FBI Twitter account, that has been dormant for over a year, suddenly posted several tweets praising Donald Trump. Oh, you don’t know why? Well, take your time. I won’t, “Russia.”
Donald Trump will reportedly hold a small gathering on election night instead of a large celebration, because he is superstitious. Oh, sorry, I read that wrong, “super racist.”
Former KKK leader David Duke told reporters today that if he’s elected to the Senate, he would be Donald Trump’s most loyal advocate. When asked what he’d do if Trump loses, Duke said, “I’ll burn that cross when we come to it.”
According to a new poll, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are neck-and-neck in New Hampshire, while Chris Christie isn’t even neck.
Nov. 7: Tomorrow is Election Day, so it’s time to finally decide. Are you with her, or are you with the FBI, Vladimir Putin, the KKK and Scott Baio?
It’s finally Election Day, which means CNN’s countdown clock starts all over again.
The final polls from the major news outlets show Hillary Clinton with anywhere between a 4- and 6-point lead, or as The Huffington Post reported it, “a 46-point lead!”
Donald Trump was rushed off the stage at a rally over the weekend after someone in the crowd yelled, “Gun,” which is surprising because I just assumed that’s how people at Trump rallies greeted each other. “Gun!” “And gun to you, good sir!” “A good gun to us all!”
According to the New York Times, Donald Trump’s press aides have revoked access to his Twitter account in the final days before the election. They changed his password to something he would never guess: “ILoveWomenOver40
Trump’s aides have taken away his Twitter but don’t worry, he is still tearing it up on Yelp.
Nov. 2: A lot of Democrats are blaming [the tightening race on] FBI Director James Comey’s bombshell announcement last week that Huma Abedin also uses email. We didn’t know. Nobody knew! It was a shocker.
It looks like the FBI is trying to hurt Hillary’s campaign, which has a lot of people upset. Mostly Russia. That’s THEIR gig.
And now, the FBI just released documents from their 2001 probe into Bill Clinton’s pardon of shady billionaire Marc Rich. This is a clear breach of protocol. If the FBI is going to release documents from 2001, you do it on Throwback Thursday
Women on the U.S. Olympic team won more medals than the men, and perhaps most excitingly, Bono has been named the first man on Glamour’s Women of the Year list. You did it, ladies! Congratulations. Women have come so far, now you’re men.
I assume for Bono to be on this list, every other woman has already gotten one of these.
Nov. 3: The Cubs won the World Series! The curse is lifted. For the first time in a century, Wrigley Field is covered in victory vomit.
Congratulations, Chicago. [whispering] I’m sure you just woke up, so shhh. Lay your head back down on that half-chewed Italian beef and snuggle up to the goat you brought home. You earned it.
Last night was a storybook extra-innings World Series classic — a lead-off home run, big leads swept away in seconds, rolling out tarps in the bottom of the ninth, five hours of grown men chewing and spitting! Between the rain delay and the gallons of saliva, Joe Madden had to go out to the mound in water wings.
After working through all their starters, the Cubs had to swap out their closer, Aroldis Chapman, for this guy, [shows photo] who appears to be Chapman’s 11-year-old nephew who asked to pitch in the World Series for his birthday, but is in fact Carl Edwards, Jr. Congratulations, Carl.
Nov. 7: In Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton held a huge rally in front of Independence Hall with Bruce Springsteen. Bruce talked about global warming and trade policy. Hillary, as always, closed with “Thunder Road.”
This weekend, aides to Donald Trump have finally wrested away his Twitter account. What?! You can’t take away Trump’s Twitter account! That’s like taking away Batman’s utility belt! All you’re left with is a billionaire with anger issues. He’s got none of his tools!
Trump based his whole campaign on that Twitter account. What’s he going to do now? Write messages in bronzer on bed sheets and hang them out the window of Trump Tower?
Twitter is Trump’s lifeline to the world, especially since it turns out that Donald Trump does not use a computer. No computer at all. He even files his taxes the old-fashioned way — not.
A PROMISE IS A PROMISE...
To all you Hollywood celebs who promised to leave the country if Trump won the presidency, don't let the gate hit you on the ass on the way out!
for more details
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for the most current update.
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Want to ride with Sully as he glided his Airbus 340 into the Hudson River? Now you can thanks to this video received from Roger Coen. This computer generated animation was created from data in the aircraft’s black box. In the lower corner of the screen you can follow the conversations from the Cockpit Voice Recorder of Sully (blue box) and Co-pilot Skiles (yellow box) while New York Departure Control is in the white box. In the upper right corner is the plane’s altimeter. Actual audio begins at the 1:17 mark. THIS production is exceptionally well done and explains why the landing has been called “Miracle on the Hudson.” (7:21)
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Looks like we left the barnyard gate open when we began running clips sent in by our transplanted Ukranian. THIS clip received from Bob Kosovilka is evidence that his former countrymen are not ashamed of stealing our music. Watch how SSgt. Barry Sadler’s mega hit “The Ballad of the Green Berets” was copied and retitled “100 Warriors.” (3:49)
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The pics in this clip we also received from Bob Kosovilka portray beautiful humans in ugly circumstances, and virtually any of them would be deserving of a Pulitzer Prize in our opinion. Click HERE and see if you don’t agree. (6:25)
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The song that accompanies THIS final item from Bob loosely translates to “Warriors of Light.” It deals with the maiden revolt against the corrupt Putin-controlled Ukrainian government when the citizens of Kiev took up arms a few years ago and revolted. (3:51)
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On a happier note, Bob also sent in a flashmob video that took place in a Russian grocery store that looks like one of supermarkets. Check out the SMILES on the faces of the customers once it gets underway. (4:07)
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The title of THIS item is “One of the most insane makeup illusions ever.” What is missing from that description is the word “amazing.” Have a look and you will see why. (1:39)
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About 50 miles of track for Jerry Brown’s Super Bullet Train has been laid north and south of Bakersfield and is undergoing tests with various locomotives that are in the running to transport passengers from Northern to Southern California at speeds of up to 150 mph. Have a LOOK at where your tax money is going. (3:18)
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Can this device put a stop to some hot chases? If conditions are right, it looks like it might be safer and more effective than a pit maneuver, and even spikes. What do YOU think? (3:34)
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“Hey, skipper, open her up and let’s see what SHE can do. Just make sure you don’t hit any wakes at the wrong angle.” (6:17)
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Pull a trailer? This Russian clip from Dirk Parsons that includes one scene from the U.S. will show you what NOT to do. (5:15)
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The Crazy Russian Hacker is back courtesy of — who else? — Bob Kosovilka. THIS time he has 10 simple WD 40 hacks. (10:37)
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This is another clip of Stanley Roberts’ ongoing series on KRON 4 News titled “People Behaving Badly.” THIS one is about bicyclists in SF running red lights. (1:57)
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Wish I could have thought THIS fast when I was in school. Probably could have finished with a higher GPA. (1:00)
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Too lazy to walk your dog? Get some string, a ball, two trees, then kick back and relax. THIS short clip will show you how. (0:26)
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This is another video of India’s version of the Humane Society rescuing a dog that had fallen into a deep well. Look and see if you can tell if the pooch SOBS when she sees a rescuer coming to save her, as the title says. (3:12)
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Don’t be afraid to watch THIS story about a young fox that was left for dead on the side of the road. It has a very happy ending. (3:52)
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Talk about determination. You don’t need to count the number of times THIS little 3-year-old cutie tries to mount her pony; the person who posted the clip received from Sharon Lansdowne does it for you. (1:10)
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The note that accompanied THIS clip read, “This reminds me of you when you were publishing the Insider and free donuts were available in 4800” (the PAB Coffee Room). To the person who sent this in, it’s B.S. I was never able to carry donuts with my feet! (0:13)
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Hey Kaepernick, watch this FINAL ITEM all the way to the end and perhaps you will get the message that it beats taking a knee. Seriously! (1:36)
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Pic of the Week
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 11/10/16
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
Cyndi Aligo — Address change
To receive the email address of anyone on the list -- or to receive the roster with all of the email addresses -- send your request to <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark "Mo"
O'Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Richter, Darrell & Annette
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve