The Farsider is an independent
publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association's Board of Directors or its membership.
NEXT ON THEIR AGENDA, AMERICA’S GOT TALENT…
The PBA officers comprised of Dave Wysuph, Steve Windisch, Lumpy Lundberg and Bob Moir extended a special invitation to their favorite presidential candidate to help bring you this Halloween greeting. They have been rehearsing this one-minute gig for several weeks, so please don’t disrespect them by ignoring it. Click HERE instead.
A majority of our focus lately has been on the upcoming election. Because of this, we feel that moving November's membership meeting to Wednesday, November 9th, will provide for a better meeting and we can go over the election results. Please remember to vote!
The NHBB Blue Line Stitchers have generously made us key chains for our members in remembrance of Fallen Officer Michael Katherman #3900.
The NHBB Blue Line Stitchers are a group of people from across the country that pulls together to make specific items to honor fallen officers and firefighters (like the key chain below), to help show support for the department and the family of the fallen. The group is comprised of Blue and Red Family members, fellow officers and firefighters, and supporters of law enforcement and fire services.
Please come pick up your key chain, free of charge, at the POA office, Monday - Friday, 8:00 AM - 5:00 PM.
This article is slightly dated as it was published in last Thursday’s paper a few hours after we had already gone to press with the Farsider…
Jose’s Measure F: Khamis and Oliverio
Collide on Pension Measure
By Julia Baum <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Mercury News — Oct. 19, 2016
“No on Measure B” backers answer reporters’ questions in San
Jose on June 6, 2012, the day after voters approved Measure B.
Though his San Jose City Council colleagues support Measure F, District 6 representative Pierluigi Oliverio is waging a battle against the measure, whose costs he says were kept secret before it was placed on the Nov. 8 ballot.
Oliverio told the Resident that the actuarial cost of Measure F, which aims to replace the voter-approved Measure B pension reform with a softer version negotiated by the city and its unions, wasn’t completed until two days after the council decided on Aug. 13 to take it to voters.
He said the cost estimate should have been revealed before then. He did not divulge whether council members voted during closed session to release that information first.
“I believe it should’ve been public before,” he said. “My perspective is if we’re going to put something on the ballot, we should share that information.”
Oliverio enlisted the help of former councilman Pete Constant at an Oct. 10 debate in Almaden Valley, where District 10 Councilman Johnny Khamis argued for Measure F.
In an interview later, Khamis told the Resident that the council received all necessary information and worked through the numbers it received in closed session. “They’re not astronomical numbers,” he said, noting the council was expecting an increase either way.
“We did get some actuarial costs,” Khamis said. “They weren’t large enough to stop us from going forward with Measure F. They weren’t like the pensions that Gray Davis did back in his days.”
The secrecy of Measure F negotiations isn’t unusual either, he said, adding that “all union negotiations are done behind closed doors.”
“A lot of things weren’t made public,” Khamis said. “Negotiations, for better or worse, aren’t in the public eye. I’m one of those people who have been advocating for public negotiations like Oliverio. I’d rather have people know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
Khamis maintains Measure F isn’t flawed just because that information wasn’t brought to the public beforehand.
“It doesn’t mean we’re not making the right decisions,” he said. “It just means they weren’t made public.”
But Oliverio said the city’s contribution toward employees’ pensions will increase by 36 percent and he believes 401K plans for new city employees would be more prudent.
The idea of a 401K plan is a “non-starter,” Khamis said, adding that it has “never been on the table” even before he was elected.
“I don’t think the public sector wants them,” Khamis said. “In a situation where we’re having to wheel and deal…if they say this is a red line, we can’t cross it, what are we going to do.”
Oliverio argued that Measure F’s proponents haven’t addressed the city’s accountants, librarians and park maintenance workers, among others, who will also benefit if it passes.
“Measure F increases pensions for 1,300 out of 4,600 city employees, of which only 5 percent are police officers,” he said, “So if the goal is to assist police officers and 95 percent of benefits go to other people, it’s a fiscally inefficient way.”
But Khamis said Measure F will make San Jose “a more competitive city” when it comes to hiring new police officers.
“We want them to come back to our police department,” Khamis said. “We want them, when they finish at our academies, to stay and work at our police department. This is why I felt it was in our best interests as a community to support Measure F, so we can fix problems with Measure B and still save money.”
There are several readers’ comments at the bottom of this story. Click HERE to review them.
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
‘We are all so much more than the uniform we wear’ — Chief Eddie Garcia
Veteran S.J. Cop is Her ‘Little Angel’
—Officer helped rescue weakened resident, then renovated her aging house—
By Robert Salonga <email@example.com>
Mercury News — Oct. 26, 2016
Officer Mike Roberson helped save Mary Ellen Cancilla’s life. Then he helped rebuild it.
It was due in part to Roberson’s persistence that officers this past summer found the 68=year-old Cancilla, weakened by radiation therapy, collapsed on her bedroom floor.
But as he looked around her cluttered, under-kept home, Roberson, a 17-year San Jose Police Department member, Air Force veteran, and long-active community volunteer, felt the need to do more.
He observed a home that had fallen far behind in upkeep, filled with decades of no-longer-used belongings and other accumulated items dating back to when Cancilla’s family moved into the home in the 1950s. He saw a cracked toilet, mold, and other detritus that struck a nerve with him.
San Jose police Officer Mike Roberson receives a
thank-you hug and kiss from Mary Ellen Cancilla.
Roberson knew Cancilla had narrowly escaped with her life when he and the officers found her on that fateful July day. He could not imagine a scenario where after all she had gone through in recovering, she would go back to a home in that condition. Roberson, who runs a construction business on the side, decided to go above and beyond. (It’s a personal theme that sometimes touches on the literal: He’s currently training to obtain his pilot’s license.) And in doing so, he saved her again.
It was the evening of July 1, at the start of the Independence Day weekend, when Gelsomina Grimes thought something was wrong. She had made a grocery run for Cancilla, her neighbor across the street in their West San Jose neighborhood and rang the doorbell to no avail. “I kept calling her, and there was no answer,” Grimes said. “I saw her car in the driveway. I knocked on every door and window in the house and didn’t get any response. I went and got my neighbor Paula, and we tried again. Still nothing. So we decided to call the police.”
Officers went to Cancilla’s home to perform a welfare check, and walked around the home. They were told that she lives alone, after her father — a man known for sharing vegetables from his garden with the entire neighborhood — died about two years ago.
The curtains were closed. After several attempts to make contact with whoever was inside, it would have been perfectly reasonable for officers to presume that she just wasn’t at home and be on their way. But Roberson, who stopped by the scene because he happened to be patrolling in the area, decided to lend a hand — or more importantly, an ear.
“I heard this faint woman’s voice, moaning in pain,” Roberson said.
Roberson removed a window screen at the front of the home and, with another officer, climbed inside. They found Cancilla lying on the bedroom floor. She had been there the entire day.
“I lost my balance and fell, and I couldn’t get up,” Cancilla said. “I remember it was 2 a.m. because the sprinklers turned on.”
It was 6:19 p.m., more than 16 hours later, when Grimes called for help.
“I remember she told me she wasn’t feeling good,” Grimes said. “I didn’t want to give up. A guardian angel told me to be persistent.”
Cancilla spent the better part of the next month in the hospital, and then at a nearby rehabilitation center.
Grimes remembers Roberson’s attitude the day Cancilla was taken to the hospital: “He says, ‘I’m coming back. I really want to do something.’ ” Roberson recalled looking at the home and telling himself, “Either you’re going to help, or she has to move out.”
So Roberson visited Cancilla in the hospital and made an offer.
“I asked her if it was OK if I could clean up her house a little bit,” he said.
Cancilla handed him the keys, and Roberson got to work. He enlisted his 15-year-old son Devin as well as a painter he works with, and hired his housekeepers to help with the cleanup.
Also joining the makeshift crew was fellow Officer Danny Enriquez, who brought along his two sons. Other than the housekeepers, everyone was working on their own time and dime.
Over the next two weeks, they cleared out the home, filling four dumpsters with no-longer-used clothing, knick-knacks, and other objects that had piled up since the family moved in as original owners in the 1950s. They treated a mold problem affecting the windows.
Officer Mike Roberson talks with Mary Ellen Cancilla on the
ramp he built for her on his own time, with his own money.
They fixed some of the plumbing, including replacing a cracked toilet with a handicapped-friendly one and installing grab bars in the bathroom and shower. Roberson reached into his own pocket to replace the stove, microwave and the toilets. All of this while Roberson worked the graveyard patrol shift for the police department and ran his side business. “He’s got energy to spare,” Cancilla said. “I don’t know where he gets it.” Amidst all that, Roberson surprised Cancilla at the rehab center with a guitar player to entertain her and the other patients and residents. And when Roberson learned that Cancilla was going to need a walker as she returned home, he went ahead and built a door ramp in the backyard. “I was just ecstatic,” Cancilla recalled about coming home. “I can keep (the house) up a lot easier. I’m so grateful.”
Roberson initially didn’t want to be interviewed for this story; he didn’t think there was a story to be told. He said he agreed to participate after some nudging by the police department, realizing it had value in offering a positive portrayal of cops in the community. And even then, he was reserved in describing what he had done.
Police Chief Eddie Garcia said Roberson’s story resonates both within and outside the police department.
“We are all so much more than the uniform we wear,” Garcia said. “This exemplifies what we want in our personnel, and it’s fantastic that people can see that.”
Roberson said his motivation to help Cancilla came from a general sense of service he derived from his Christian faith, his time in the military, and a healthy dose of inspiration from his late mother, who worked at battered women’s shelters.
“I come from a compassionate background,” Roberson said. “I can’t help everybody, but I was there and I saw all this, and it had to be done.”
Cancilla believes that between her attentive neighbors and the officer who dedicated himself to transforming her life, fate was working for her on the July day when she was in her most desperate hours.
“I call him my little angel,” she said. “I always still think how lucky I was.”
If you feel this is an appropriate item would you please run this request in the Farsider?
I would like some information on the two attached photos. One shows two SJPD officers in the 1950s or early 1960s taken at the old SJS Police School. I would like their names if possible. Their badge numbers are 68 on the left and 127 on the right. The other photo shows SJPD officers dealing with a disturbance at SJS. I would like the approximate date and the nature of the disturbance if possible.
Hopefully the vast network of SJPD old guys will be able to ponder this request and provide me with some answers.
Worry not that this is for any legal or civil proceeding; the information is for the Police School history file that I have been developing and maintaining for 20 years.
Harry (Mullins) <firstname.lastname@example.org>
• • • • •
David Byers sent in this item that was posted by BlakPac, a black organization whose goal is to elect conservative leaders…
After the last Presidential debate, WGN 9 News in Chicago invited Brunell Donald-Kyei, a Chicago-based lawyer who happens to be a black female who supports Donald Trump, on air to talk about her preferred candidate.
Obviously looking to try and play their typical media games of discrediting Trump supporters, specifically those of us who are black, the WGN 9 anchors were left speechless after they discovered that they had bitten off far more than they could chew.
In short, Brunell Donald-Kyei absolutely owned the interview and the anchors as she delivered an incredibly passionate and common sense argument in support of Trump.
Click HERE to view the video
• • • • •
At the finish line in November it will be between The Donald and the Dragon Lady; the narcissistic Twitter Junkie and the deplorable entitled one; the serial sex abuser and the one who's married to one; the one who's disliked by almost everyone, and the other one who is hated by almost everyone; the one who lies the best and the one who lies the most; the masculine loud mouth and the feminine trickster; the man who cheated his sub-contractors and the woman who cheated the country and the FBI.
We get to elect someone who very few respect, almost nobody trusts, and very few like. What a great system! Where's that checkbox on the ballot that says: “None of the above are acceptable?”
However, through this long and arduous process I am grateful to have learned at least one thing: The Donald has the banter in the men's locker rooms covered while there is absolutely no sexual banter in women's locker rooms. Wait! Hold on a sec. Umm...Maybe I'll have to rethink that one.
Dave (Scannell) <email@example.com>
• • • • •
I think you mentioned that you read Victor Davis Hanson; he is my go-to scholar for critical thinking regarding current cultural/political thought. You might think about putting some of this article he wrote recently in your publication. Note: I have underlined some comments that you may possibly want to delete as the full commentary may be too long to hold one’s attention. You don’t have to reference me as the submitter of this article, just see if you can make it fit into your publication.
October 13, 2016
By Victor Davis Hanson — Town Hall
Pessimists often compare today’s troubled America to a tottering late Rome or an insolvent and descending British Empire. But medieval Europe (roughly A.D. 500 to 1450) is the more apt comparison.
The medieval world was a nearly 1,000-year period of spectacular, if haphazard, human achievement — along with endemic insecurity, superstition and two, rather than three, classes.
The great medieval universities — at Bologna, Paris and Oxford — continued to make strides in science. They were not unlike the medical and engineering schools at Harvard and Stanford. But they were not centers of free thinking.
Instead, medieval speech codes were designed to ensure that no one questioned the authority of church doctrine. Culturally or politically incorrect literature of the classical past, from Aristophanes to Petronius, was censored as either subversive or hurtful.
Career-wise, it was suicidal for, say, a medieval professor of science at the University of Padua to doubt the orthodoxy that the sun revolved around the earth.
Similarly, at Berkeley or Princeton, few now dare to commit the heresy of expressing uncertainty about whether man-caused global warming poses an immediate, existential threat to human civilization.
Today, a fifth of American households have zero or negative net worth. The shrinking middle classes struggle to service trillions of dollars in consumer and student debt to big banks — in the manner of medieval peasants.
In the medieval world, impoverished serfs pledged loyalty to barons in exchange for their food and housing on the manor. In the modern world, progressive government is the bastion that distributes entitlements on the expectation that the masses show their political fealty at election time.
In medieval Europe, widespread literacy disappeared. Superstition reigned in place of reason.
Despite spending some $11,000 per student each year, are we all that much different? In many polls, more than a quarter of Americans believe in astrology. A quarter think aliens have visited Earth. More than 40 percent can’t name their own vice president. Nearly three-quarters of Americans have no idea what the Cold War was about.
The ruling cliques of the medieval court were full of insider knaves and scoundrels, plots and intrigue. Compare the current scandals, lies and hypocrisies of our Beltway cloister in Washington.
Closeted socialists wrote esoteric treatises that no one read. These works were sort of like the incomprehensible “theory” articles of university humanities professors who are up for tenure.
To talk to the masses, the Latin-speaking elite spoke localized slang that would centuries later become English, French and German — the medieval version of our electronic grunts and made-up words on Twitter and email that are forming a new popular language.
With ancient borders long forgotten, medieval elites relied on massive walls, moats and keeps to stay safe — sort of similar to what we see with the present-day gated estates of Malibu and Silicon Valley.
Today’s zillionaire lords drive BMWs and fly in private jets instead of riding huge warhorses. They may wear jeans and flip-flops in place of robes and crowns, but their wealth and influence are as unlimited as the splendor of the lords of the medieval manor.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently does not assume that state law enforcement can guarantee the security of his estate. Instead, he has his own security personnel to keep out bounders — and buys up all the houses around his own in a postmodern effort to form a sort of premodern moat.
The blueprints and mock-ups for California high-speed rail are as grandiose as the plans of medieval Gothic churches. But the reality of ever completing the project will require a half-century of cost overruns, lawsuits, and continual higher fees and taxes.
For their roads and water, isolated medieval fiefdoms relied on the crumbling ancient infrastructure of long-gone Rome.
In 21st-century America, we rely on — but could never again build — structures such as the Hoover Dam. It’s inconceivable that we could build, for instance, a new eight-lane, interstate super freeway system from coast to coast.
There is one great difference, however, between the medieval and modern worlds.
People living in modern times increasingly live for their appetites without worry about what follows — with little awareness of what has been lost and so not a clue about how to recapture it.
• • • • •
This may be the only time you will see FBI Director James Comey and Hillary Clinton team up to perform a rap duet. For dancing I give it a six. How do you score them?
Red State <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Clever editing, but I find the lyrics very irritating, so I'm giving it a two. Readers who want to watch this dynamic duo can do so by clicking HERE.
• • • • •
Roger Sides received this message from a former Ringmaster and sent it in to us…
I would imagine that you already know this, but for anyone on your lists who don't, Proposition 63 is not the same as the legislation already passed and signed by Governor Brown. The legislation regarding high-capacity magazines and the legislation regarding permits to purchase ammunition contain exceptions for retired cops and some others, including Calif. CCW holders. Proposition 63, if passed, will eliminate all exceptions for retired cops and the others.
Please ensure that people are aware that Proposition 63 goes far beyond the already passed legislation and must be defeated. Unfortunately, the uninformed and brainwashed populous polls indicate that Prop 63 will pass. This will make a number of us criminals.
Time is short, do what you can.
George C. Carrington
Former SJPD Rangemaster
• • • • •
Sorry to see that the Bold Knight is gone! I thought it was one of the best places to eat! I really liked it because it served "Liver and Onions" which was one of my favorites, probably because during hunting season that was the first meal in camp after a kill. I can't find any restaurants here in Oregon where they serve it anymore! My mother-in-law was the only person who would cook it at our house, but I can't get my girls to cook it either! Oh well, such is life!
Heading out tomorrow for this year’s Elk hunt. Wish me luck as we need the meat. I seldom eat beef anymore as we try to keep the freezers filled with wild game!
Bert (Kelsey) <email@example.com>
Thanks for checking in, Bert. We need more members of the Old Guard to exercise their computer keyboard and let us know how they’re doing.
OPEN ENROLLMENT PROCESS EXPLAINED
There may be many of you who have questions about the Open Enrollment process. At our most recent Association meeting, Retirement Services gave a presentation on the process. For those of you who were not in attendance, you can view the presentation by clicking HERE.
We hope you find this helpful.
Mike Alford, President
Police & Fire Retirees Assn.
KEITH KELLEY CHRISTMAS DINNER DANCE INFORMATION
The Keith Kelley Club is announcing its
“2016 Christmas Dinner Dance”
“Good Will To All”
Saturday, December 3rd
1350 North 1st Street, San Jose
Retired Members Party — 5:30 to 6:30 p.m.
General Membership Cocktails — 6:30 to 7:00 p.m.
Dinner — 7:30 to 8:30 p.m.
Dancing — 8:30 to Midnight
Tickets can be obtained at <www.KeithKelleyClub.com> or from:
Communications – Mariana Ramirez
Office of the Chief – Dana/Anau
O.S.S.D. – Veronica Andrade
Retirees – Margie Thompson <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Table Arrangements – Ted Vasquez – <Vasquezted@yahoo.com>
Tickets are free for members and $75 for guests
Call 408-421-3785 for questions or email <Membership@KKC@gmail.com>
— Please bring a new, unwrapped toy to be given to charity—
• • • • •
To receive an email with only the form below, send a request to <email@example.com>
KEITH KELLEY 2016 CHRISTMAS DINNER DANCE
PBA MEMBERS MAY WANT TO MARK THEIR CALENDARS
Next year’s PBA’s Valentine’s Day Dinner Dance has been scheduled for Saturday, Feb. 11th, 2017. It will be held at the SJPOA Hall and be similar to last February’s event. More info will come later as the date gets closer. In the meantime, make a mark on your calendar if you and your better half plan to attend.
A LETTER THAT WE SUSPECT SPEAKS FOR MANY…
If you are going to tale a minute to listen to Bruce Springsteen rant about Donald Trump, make sure you read the open letter to Hollywood that follows. THIS is the link to Springsteen bloviating about The Donald. (1:18)
Posted on Facebook in response to Springsteen’s rant was this letter that we suspect speaks for many…
Dear Hollywood celebrities,
You exist for my entertainment. Some of you are great eye candy. Some of you can deliver a line with such conviction that you bring tears to my eyes. Some of you can scare the crap out of me. Others make me laugh. But you all have one thing in common, you only have a place in my world to entertain me. That’s it.
You make your living pretending to be someone else. Playing dress up like a 6 year old. You live in a make believe world in front of a camera. And often when you are away from one too. Your entire existence depends on my patronage.
I’ll crank the organ grinder; you dance.
I don’t really care where you stand on issues. Honestly, your stance matters far less to me than that of my neighbor. You see, you aren’t real. I turn off my TV or shut down my computer and you cease to exist in my world. Once I am done with you, I can put you back in your little box until I want you to entertain me again.
I don’t care that you think the BP executives deserve the death penalty. But I bet you looked cute saying it.
And you? Really? I’m supposed to care what the director of fluffy tripe made for gullible people thinks about global warming or gun control? Get back into your bubble. I’ll let you know when I’m in the mood for something blue and shiny.
And I'm also supposed to care that you will leave this great country if Trump becomes president? Ha. Please don't forget to close the door behind you. We'd like to reserve your seat for someone who loves this country and really wants to be here.
Make me laugh, or cry. Scare me. But realize that the only words of yours that matter are scripted. I might agree with some of you from time to time, but it doesn’t matter. In my world, you exist solely for my entertainment
So, shut your pie hole and dance, monkey!
NICE WAY TO MAKE AMENDS FOR A STUPID MISTAKE
Submitted by Steve Postier
This item from the "We Support the Blue" website is about the NFL player who posted a photo on social media several weeks ago of a man dressed in all black slicing the throat of a police officer…
NFL Player Donates First Game Check To Dallas Fallen Officer Foundation
In following through with a promise he made during the summer, Cleveland Browns running back Isaiah Crowell donated his first paycheck of the season to the Dallas Fallen Officer Foundation.
The sum of cash equates to just over $35,000 and is Crowell’s latest attempt to make it right after the Cleveland Browns’ running back posted an image on social media of a police officer being killed.
Crowell, who also attended a funeral for one of the officers killed in July’s tragic shooting in Dallas, didn’t really want this to become public. His main thing was to follow through on a promise he made.
“I said I was going to do it and I wanted to follow through,” Crowell said, via Cleveland.com.
In issuing his apology for July’s insensitive post, Crowell had indicated he would donate his first paycheck.
The photo was of a man wearing all black slicing the throat of a police officer. The image has since been banned from various social media websites and we are not posting it here due to it’s graphic nature.
While Crowell did something very wrong, we do give him credit for apologizing, learning from his mistake and continuing to try to understand the issue better.
Unlike what so many others try to do to law enforcement when a mistake may occur, we do not hold a grudge or hatred against Crowell. We are not asking for his resignation or termination. We simply want him to understand the issue better and to make a better decision in the future. It appears that he is well on his way to doing just that.
Click HERE to visit the We Support the Blue website with the story.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
According to a
news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique
problem. A number of 13-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or
neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, but the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night which, as one might expect, resulted in yawns from the little princesses.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required to erase the lip prints. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in a toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.
There have been no more lip prints on the mirror since then.
• • • • •
Received from Steve Postier
After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said, “Let me see if I've got this right?
“You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
“You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.
“You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a check book, and apply for a job.
“You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.
“You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
“You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
“You want me to do all this, and then you tell me I can’t pray?”
• • • • •
Revised Level of Alert Report Regarding Threats to Europe and Elsewhere
Received from David Byers
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in the Middle East and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Muslim terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British Army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
The American level of alert will depend on who is elected President. Under one administration, there will be no alert level. At the first sign of a threat, the President will launch an all-out nuclear attack on the other eight nations that have nukes, thus assuring that the nation responsible for the threat no longer has a nuclear capability.
Under the other President facing an imminent threat, there will be an email overload by everyone in the administration causing the President’s private server in a local U-Rent storage facility six blocks from the White House to go down. Before a Best Buy Geek Squad will be able to respond to repair or replace the server, it will be too late.
As a final thought, Greece continues to collapse, Russia, North Korea and the Iranians are getting more and more aggressive, America is about to elect its worst president in its history, and the world in general is in total disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
Oct. 20 —25
Oct. 24: I want to say congratulations to the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians, who are set to play each other in the World Series! Or as voters put it, “Finally – a crazy match-up we can actually ENJOY!”
The Cubs are going to the World Series for the first time in 71 years! And if you remember the last time the Cubs were in the World Series, congratulations on staying up this late.
One of the big stories about the Cubs is the so-called “Curse of the Billy Goat,” which occurred back in the '40s when they turned a fan and his pet goat away because goats aren’t allowed in the ballpark. Or as hot dog vendors put it, “That’s what YOU think.”
On Friday, a massive cyber-attack brought down several websites for 11 hours, including Twitter. Experts say it was the best thing to happen to Donald Trump’s campaign in weeks.
Speaking of Donald Trump, his son Eric was out on the campaign trail, and a lot of people online noticed that Eric was photographed at an In-N-Out Burger holding a free water cup that was filled with lemonade. While the employee who gave it to him said, “That wasn’t lemonade.”
Oct. 25: Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, threw a baseball to reporters today with a note saying that he’s rooting for the Cubs. And then the reporters turned the ball over and the other side said, “Help!”
Donald Trump’s campaign has to be getting a little worried because of some of the new poll numbers. Even Trump himself actually admitted that he’s somewhat behind in the polls but not by much. But remember, this is a guy that thinks a million dollars from your dad is just a small loan.
Yesterday, The New York Times published a giant list of everyone and everything Trump has insulted on Twitter since declaring his candidacy. Then they had to print a correction today after Donald Trump insulted the list itself.
Hillary Clinton made a surprise stop at a campaign event in North Carolina this week where the actress who plays Crazy Eyes on “Orange Is the New Black” was volunteering. Crazy Eyes said it was an honor to meet Crazy Smile.
Oct. 20: We have a superhero on the show — Benedict Cumberbatch is with us. He stars in the new Marvel movie “Dr. Strange.” It’s the story of a former neurosurgeon who gets drawn into a bizarre world he knows little to nothing about. It’s based on the life of Dr. Ben Carson.
Last night from Las Vegas, “Trump vs. Clinton 3” — and just like that, we’re one step closer to never having to watch cable news again. It was the third most watched debate in history. More than 71 million people watched/screamed at their TV.
Trump needed a strong performance in the debate. His poll numbers have been dropping, and after last night, his only hope is that Michael J. Fox shows up in a time machine.
Clinton and Trump are at a dinner together, the Al Smith Dinner, a charity event thrown annually by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York. It has become a tradition for the candidates to show up and tell jokes, like a roast. Tonight Hillary and Donald are one seat apart with Cardinal Timothy Dolan sitting between them, like an unhappy couple hoping to get their marriage annulled.
Donald Trump is not a self-deprecating guy. A lot of people believe the reason he got into politics is because President Obama roasted him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. If the cardinal starts making fun of him, he might try to run for Pope.
Oct. 25: This is the biggest night for Major League Baseball in a very long time. Not your usual World Series. Tonight from Cleveland, game one between the Indians and the Cubs. Two perennial losers. Neither the Cubs nor Indians have won the World Series since two months before Jesus was born.
Kanye West is threatening to boycott the Grammy Awards next year. He’s upset not because of his own music, he’s upset because of somebody else’s — Frank Ocean’s two most recent albums aren’t eligible because apparently they missed the submission deadline. Can you imagine a Grammys without Kanye being there? It will be peaceful, right?
When is Kanye NOT mad at the Grammys? What he should do is threaten to show up at the Grammys; that would fix them.
The Trump campaign launched what they say will be a nightly show on Facebook Live called “Trump Tower Live.” Some people believe he’s starting to build a new channel called Trump TV, which is great news — finally we get a chance to see Donald Trump on TV.
Oct. 24: Over the weekend in Gettysburg, Donald Trump told a crowd that as soon as the election ends he will sue the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. It’s being called "the second greatest Gettysburg Address in history."
On Friday, a cyber-attack shut down Amazon, CNN, and Twitter. Apparently, the cyber-terrorists shut down Amazon first, then Amazon suggested they may also like CNN and Twitter.
Last Friday, Amazon, CNN, and Twitter were all down all over the United States. It’s a chilling day that will one day be known in history as "Productive Friday."
There is a new bike lock that prevents theft by releasing a gas that makes a robber throw up if they cut the lock. So, the good news is: Your bike wasn’t stolen. The bad news: It’s covered in robber vomit.
During a campaign event at a Florida pumpkin patch, Donald Trump met with pumpkin farmers. There was an awkward moment when one of the pumpkin farmers tried to carve Trump’s head.
Oct. 25: Analysts are speculating that communication between Donald Trump and his campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, has become practically nonexistent. They say if she spoke to Trump any less, they’d be married.
A new report in Indiana has found that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote. Which explains why today, Donald Trump held four rallies and three séances.
The Vatican has issued new guidelines on cremation, saying Catholics must bury the ashes in a cemetery. Which is too bad, because I wanted my ashes to be a secret ingredient on the show “Chopped.”
It’s come out that Donald Trump has spent a large portion of his campaign donations buying copies of his own book, “The Art of the Deal.” Trump supporters are angry that he misused their money, and even angrier that he bought a book.
A youth football team in Rhode Island was kicked out of its league after they snuck an adult man into their starting lineup. On the bright side, Tim Tebow scored 12 touchdowns.
Oct. 20: The big story of the debate was Donald Trump saying he might not accept the results of the election. Honestly, I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t know you could just not accept things. If that’s the case, I’ve decided not to accept the results of my last acting audition.
Last night, Trump said he was going to keep us in suspense. But today he said he “will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election — if I win!” So in other words, no. No, right?
At one point, Hillary Clinton even brought up how Trump said the Emmys were rigged because “Celebrity Apprentice” never won one. Which means the Emmy Award is the only woman who Trump hasn’t grabbed.
Now, probably the weirdest thing Trump said during the evening was when he was talking about immigration, saying we have some “bad hombres” here. Bad hombres? First Melania Trump steals lines from Michelle Obama, now Trump is stealing lines from Clint Eastwood.
“Bad hombres” doesn’t sound like drug dealers. “Bad hombres” sounds like what TGI Friday’s would call their Tex-Mex appetizer platter.
“Bad hombres” sounds like the Spanish-language version of “Grumpy Old Men.” “Bad hombres” sounds like a gift shop in the Old West part of Disneyland.
“Bad hombres” sounds like a tequila that you buy by the gallon for $4. “Bad hombres” sounds like the theme song to the Mexican version of “Cops.”
Hillary's voters are now more excited to vote for Hillary than Trump voters are to vote for Trump. Which is crazy because getting excited about Hillary is like getting excited about taking your car in for an oil change. It's not fun, but the alternative is your car bursting into flames.
I can't imagine why people are less excited about voting for Trump, but I guess it could have something to do with insulting women, insulting minorities, bragging about sexual assault, making fun of disabled people, making fun of military veterans, making fun of NFL players who get concussions, antagonizing fellow Republican, not releasing his taxes, not having any real political platform, banning journalists, re-tweeting white supremacists, and having hair that looks like a poorly constructed scarecrow. Other than that, I've no idea where he lost people.
Trump has received his first and only endorsement from a major newspaper — the Las Vegas Review-Journal said that Trump does not represent the danger his critics claim. Which is not exactly a ringing endorsement. That's like a restaurant review that says this place probably won't even give you food poisoning.
Oct. 24: Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted this weekend that Donald Trump is trailing Hillary Clinton. Said Conway, "No, literally, he's trailing her."
Donald Trump said at a rally this weekend that Hillary Clinton was exhausted and weak after the debates. Yeah, probably because you kept sniffing all the oxygen out of the room.
Many news outlets are saying Donald Trump will almost certainly pivot to media and launch his own TV network after the election. Which means as early as next year we could see Trump TV filing for bankruptcy.
President Obama last week said that this year's election is like Dante's "Inferno." Well that's fine, as long as it doesn't turn into a disco inferno.
Samsung announced recently that people who turn in their recalled Galaxy Note 7 phones will be eligible for a free Note 8 next year when it debuts. Said customers, "I'm not falling for it. I've been burned by Samsung before."
Oct. 25: A political science professor at SUNY Stony Brook claims he has developed a new mathematical model that predicts Donald Trump will win the election. Said Trump, “Mathematical model? She sounds ugly. Hard pass.”
Donald Trump today criticized some of his Republican primary opponents for refusing to endorse him, saying, quote, “I don’t know how they live with themselves.” Said his opponents, “We don’t. We live with our wives.”
Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, appeared on Trump’s new Facebook Live show and said Trump “unequivocally” will win the election. So, look out, CNN! There’s a NEW often-wrong news channel in town!
Hundreds of Harvard students staged a walkout this week in solidarity with university dining hall workers who are on strike. Said Harvard students, “You can’t take advantage of them just ’cause they went to Yale!”
Oct. 20: We have a Trump hangover. We are all still recovering from last night’s third and final debate, if there is a God.
CNN named the winner hours before the debate began. They say it was Excedrin, for their tweet, “The possibility of a debate headache is high, be prepared with Excedrin.” Of course, after watching the debate, we know the real winner was NyQuil — “Sweet darkness of sleep, it’s your only escape.”
What an amazing psych-out. It’s like that classic joke where you offer to shake somebody’s hand, but when they go to shake it . . . you undermine our system of government.
So, how did we get to the point where the fate of the American experiment rests in Donald Trump’s tiny, whining, loser hands?
Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: “We are going to go where the money is.” And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches.
Oct. 24: The Chicago Cubs are going to the World Series! The Cubs are playing another lovable loser, the Cleveland Indians. The two teams have a combined 176 years without a championship. To put that in perspective, that is almost as long as a baseball game feels.
Speaking of single-minded, century-long quests for victory at all costs, Hillary Clinton is in the news. As a native Chicagoan, Hillary Clinton's a lifelong Cubs fan. In fact, a picture of her reacting to the Cubs win went viral over the weekend. [show photo of wide-eyed Hillary's reaction] She hasn't been this excited since that time she saw shiny balloons [shows photo of Hillary with same expression from Democratic National Convention].
CNN is reporting that Clinton "may have gone to Cubs games with her father as a kid, but after leaving Illinois, and around the same time she ran for Senate in New York, the former first lady touted her love for the New York Yankees." How convenient. As a 10-year-old she wears a Cubs hat. A mere 40 years later, she's in a Yankees hat. Is there no hat she won't wear? (shows fake photo of Hillary in "Make America Great Again" cap] OK, there's one hat.
Oct. 25: The government just announced that next year [Obamacare] premiums are going up by 25 percent. I haven’t seen Obama hike something so high since he stopped wearing mom jeans.
Affordable healthcare will just never work for this country. Insane medical bills are as American as hot dogs, apple pie, and the $3,600 bill to remove the hot dog lodged in your apple pie hole.
And the next president clearly will have to come in and clean up this mess. Unless it’s Trump, in which case, all healthcare will be replaced by a “Dr. Oz” episode about calf implants.
WikiLeaks has been releasing emails from the Clinton campaign, because they’re committed to transparency — or however you say “transparency” in Russian. Transparenchnik.
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for the most current update.
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We’re hoping to set the MOOD with a flash mob we’ve not covered before. It took place at the St. Pancras station in London on New Year’s Eve of 2010. (5:59)
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(1) This poor bloke has a magnet for a face, or so it seems. We’re thinking he should choose a sport that does NOT involve a soccer ball. (0:49)
(2) On the same subject, there was a Yale soccer goalie by the name of Scott Sterling who became a legend at the sport. WATCH this segment of a Yale vs. North Carolina match and you will see why. (5:17)
(3) THIS was an attempt at a post-game interview of Scott at a local hospital. Unfortunately, it didn’t go very well. (2:10)
(4) Sterling survived his injuries and is still with Yale, but he gave up soccer for the less dangerous sport of volleyball, as you can see by THIS clip of Yale again challenging North Carolina. Switching sports was a smart decision by Scott. Or was it? (3:29)
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We don’t know where Sharon Lansdowne finds THESE jewels, but she manages to find a way. Check out this video of a 12-year-old Australian lad named Campbell who spends his time making teddy bears for sick children. (5:45)
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Dad probably told this kid to pack his gear, move out of the basement and get a job, so he did. But can he make a career out of sign flipping? To attract even more attention, which is the purpose of standing beside the road holding a sign, he brought a friend who performs an admirable dub step. Have a LOOK. (2:45)
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Sully Sullenberger is flying again, according to THIS SNL clip received from Dirk Parsons. But is he appreciated for the hero he is? (4:56)
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It just dawned on us why the town of Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet: Nobody was married.
Here are the single people who come to mind: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou and Clara.
The only one who was married was Otis, and he was always drunk!
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We have dedicated lots of space in the Farsider over the years showing photos of American troops facing the dangers and their own mortality during WW II. When the following slide show arrived in our inbox from Bob Kosovilka (our in-house Russkie), we thought it was only fair to let him have his moment in the SUN. After all, the Russians were our allies during the second world war, despite the fact that Gen. George Patton wanted to take on the Red Army when the war was over. (9:17)
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Dog lovers should enjoy THIS clip about a busted Puppy Mill because it has a wonderful ending. Give it a look and see if you agree. (5:00)
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We will wager it’s been a while since you’ve seen Suda the Elephant paint a picture. If THIS is your first time, be prepared to be amazed. (4:03)
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Have a look at THIS baby owl and its toy counterpart as they get in the Halloween mood with their rendition of “Monster Mash.” For those of you who are unfamiliar with our feathered friends, that’s the real owl on the right. (1:15)
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The title of this video reads, “33 Moments That’ll Restore Your Faith in Humanity.” Sounds to us that such moments are badly NEEDED in today’s world. (9:54)
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If you are trying to score a table at an outdoor cafe but all of them are taken, you might want to give THIS a try. (1:42)
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This video is not for those who suffer from a fear of heights, a/k/a acrophobia. If you can handle it, however, you will see some amazing video footage by clicking HERE. (11:29)
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Is Kim Jong Un an impressive leader or what? His government told us a few years ago that he made 13 holes-in-one during a single round of golf. Wow! Is there anything this guy can’t do. According to Dirk Parsons, his government even made this video to show the North Korean people he can pilot a commercial airplane and control it through several dangerous maneuvers. Watch THIS and take note of the subtitles if you think we’re kidding. (1:45)
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As slideshows of animals and nature go, this one received from Alice Murphy is very impressive. To watch it, click HERE, then click your mouse anytime to advance to the next pic.
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The daughter of Palm Springs Police Officer Jose “Gil” Vega who was killed in the line of duty on Oct. 8 along with Officer Lesley Zerebny was escorted to her first day of school by several of her “PSPD uncles.” THIS story isn’t unusual; a search for “Police escort fallen officer’s daughter back to school” on YouTube will turn up several similar videos from around the country. (0:47)
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Here is a “feel good” story that qualifies for this week’s closer. It’s about a Granbury, Texas police officer who saved the life of a three-year-old boy who wasn't breathing. The 911 CALL was recorded on the officer’s dashcam. (1:49)
for the full story as reported by ABC.
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Have a good week...
Pic of the Week
We are going on record as saying we
are suspect of this new "victim!"
Submitted by David Byers
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 10/27/16
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
To receive the email address of anyone on the list -- or to receive the roster with all of the email addresses -- send your request to <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark "Mo"
O'Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Richter, Darrell & Annette
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve