The Farsider is an independent
publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association's Board of Directors or its membership.
The October 2018 eVanguard is now online. Hard copies of the magazine will be arriving in the mail soon. Click HERE to download the Vanguard to your desktop.
PBA TO MEET NEXT WEDNESDAY, OCT. 17, BUT DATE CHANGE IN NOV.
The PBA will be holding its monthly dinner-meeting next Wednesday, Oct. 17, with the open bar being pressed into service at 5:00 and dinner being served somewhere around 6:00.
Due to Thanksgiving falling on Nov. 22nd, next month’s meeting has been moved to the 2nd Wednesday in November instead of the 3rd, which will be Nov. 14th. Show up Wed. the 21st and you will likely find the door locked. We will endeavor to provide a reminder in the Nov. 8th Farsider provided we can remember.
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
Burglary Prevention Unit Intended to Get the Jump on Thefts That Have Dominated the City’s Crime Profile
By Robert Salonga <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Mercury News — Oct. 6, 2018
As burglary and thefts rose in recent years, the city’s understaffed police department struggled to keep up with the sheer volume of reports. In many cases, all that responding officers could do is take a report, offer a resident a sympathetic word and add another dot to the city’s crime map.
Periodically, those dots would be connected and lead to the arrest of a burglary crew. Even then, that kind of work was often drawn from extra hours that officers put in on top of their scheduled shifts.
But with staffing showing steady recovery from a decade-long officer exodus, the San Jose Police Department is looking to make those big busts more common. Enter the newly minted Burglary Prevention Unit, a team of dedicated detectives whose sole job will be to conduct investigations and undercover stings to thwart residential and commercial theft in the city.
“There are a number of things that haven’t been done, like using data to link reports together, and tying a lot of the same suspects to a lot of these crimes. We just haven’t had the manpower to follow these leads,” said veteran Lt. Greg Lombardo, who is overseeing the new squad. “Now that staffing levels have improved, this specialized unit can focus on burglaries and taking proactive steps to reduce burglaries before residents are victimized, instead of just reacting.”
San Jose Police Department Burglary Prevention Unit Commander
Lt. Greg Lombardo poses for a portrait with recovered stolen retail
goods at a police warehouse in San Jose on Thursday.
In addition to Lombardo, the BPU consists a sergeant, a probation officer, and eight detectives handpicked from other divisions in the department. It is the second largest investigative team in SJPD, behind the sex-crimes unit, and was welcome news to Mayor Sam Liccardo.
“I join thousands of residents who are thrilled to have more officers focused on our neighborhood crimes,” Liccardo said in a statement. “Burglars would do well to find another line of work.”
Chief Eddie Garcia said the new detail is a revival of sorts, noting that a burglary prevention team once worked in SJPD in the 1970s and 1980s. The BPU launch comes as property crimes dominate the public crime profile of the city.
“We’re hearing loud and clear that burglaries and robberies are a huge concern,” Garcia said. “Proactive investigative police work is the way we will make a dent in the burglary problem, I have no doubt.”
Garcia said he envisions that the dedicated officers will also stop robberies in the process, given that the crews they’re targeting are often responsible for violent thefts. Over the past year, SJPD has arrested multiple clusters of adults and teens tied to sprees of burglaries, robberies and carjackings.
“A hundred burglaries aren’t committed by a hundred different people, it’s usually different crews,” he said. “If you’re out there taking out these crews, solving these cases, you’re preventing dozens more crimes from occurring.”
Willow Glen residents, meanwhile, have called attention to a rash of break-ins and tense encounters with would-be home invaders. Neighborhood association president Elizabeth Estensen said she has noticed that intruders are becoming more aggressive.
“Now it’s changed, and they’re violent,” Estensen said. “There is more brazen activity going on. Word got out that police were limited and are not going to come out to certain calls. I think it’s great about the steps (police are) taking for prevention.”
Reported home burglaries in San Jose have been trending downward since a recent peak in 2012, with a 12 percent drop to 2,312 cases from 2016 to 2017, according to department figures. But commercial thefts are sharply on the rise, on pace to surpass 1,900 cases by year’s end, which would mark a 24 percent increase over 2017.
17 pallets of goods, including a large quantity of Enfamil infant
formula, were stolen from retail stores such as Target and Safeway
and recovered by the SJPD Burglary Prevention Unit.
The key word, Lombardo said, is “reported.” Like others who monitor police activity, he surmises that reported numbers have skewed down in part because the city’s self-acknowledged lackluster response to burglaries over the past few years — so that violent crimes and other more immediate emergencies could be prioritized — may have discouraged some burglary victims from bothering to call police.
But if the BPU increases public confidence in the police department’s ability to crack down on the thefts, Lombardo said, the city might actually see a rise in burglary numbers.
“We’re going to discover burglaries not reported,” he said. “There could be an increase.”
Lombardo is careful about what to reveal about the new squad, given that many of their tactics are of a clandestine nature. But he says that his detectives — who augment but do not replace, the existing SJPD burglary unit — will monitor the Internet including social media to keep an eye on burglars who use the web to coordinate, and often times openly brag about their exploits.
The BPU has been active for about a month, and even as the detectives were in the midst of training and becoming accustomed to the methods of their new team back in June, they recovered $200,000 worth of infant formula that had been stolen from Bay Area businesses, Lombardo said.
In addition to working to identify burglary characteristics that point to a common culprit, Lombardo said the new burglary unit also will focus on ensuring secondhand dealers comply with legal rules that require them to properly register items they acquire. He said that would make such dealers less likely to accept property they suspect might be stolen, reducing the chances that burglars will make money off their crimes.
Longtime Willow Glen resident Debbie Uharriet also was encouraged by the work Lombardo and his team are doing, and stressed that residents need to keep banding together to serve as eyes and ears for each other. But she, like Estensen, voiced concern about what she considers lenient consequences for suspects in property crimes that lead to them being back on the streets in short time.
“We as the people have to do our part too,” she said. “And we need tougher laws on the books.”
Just as the protestors and others who believed Christine Ford’s allegations that she was assaulted by Brett Kavanaugh at some place and time despite the lack any corroborating testimonial evidence or the FBI, I choose to believe this professor from the University of Ottawa. For one thing, she is easier to listen to because she doesn’t read from a prepared script with what I feel was an intentional little girl’s voice.
Red State <email@example.com>
This is Professor Janice Fiamengo who teaches English at the University of Ottawa, As a woman, she can tread where men don’t dare when it comes to being critical of Christine Ford and her allegations of sexual abuse. Click HERE to listen to what she says, and if you do, have a look at some of the comments.
• • • • •
In last week's Farsider there was an opinion piece that was posted which was reacting to a cartoon depicting Brett Kavanaugh's daughter saying her prayers. It was an opinion piece written by Steve Straub, a far right conservative going after the cartoon's creator who is a far left liberal.
There’s no denying that this cartoon is totally despicable, and its creator, Chris Britt, should be called out and severely chastised for having produced it.
But, Mr. Straub's opinion piece itself starts out with this statement, "Democrats and their media supporters have left the reservation and gone beyond the pale by publishing what could be the most offensive political cartoon we’ve EVER seen. From Illinois Times editorial cartoonist Chris Britt. How can editors allow this to pass? What corrupt and wicked hearts Democrats have. They are PIGS, straight up."
This statement by Mr. Straub is patently untrue. This cartoon was never published in the Illinois Times or any newspaper. It appeared on Chris Britt's personal Facebook page. Fox News in fact checking Mr. Straub statement reported that, "In a Facebook statement Monday, the Illinois Times said Britt was "a regular contributor," but "not an employee." The paper added that the cartoon was posted on Britt's Facebook page and "did not appear in our publication or on our website."
The fact that this seriously inaccurate opinion piece was found acceptable to publish doesn’t surprise me since the media source it appeared in was the Federalist Papers.
Here’s what Media Bias Fact Check has to say about the Federalist Papers. "The Federalist Papers is Questionable Source. A questionable source exhibits one or more of the following: extreme bias, overt propaganda, poor or no sourcing to credible information and/or is fake news. Fake News is the deliberate attempt to publish hoaxes and/or disinformation for the purpose of profit or influence" and "The Federalist Papers Project has overt extreme right wing bias in reporting. It often publishes misleading news stories and conspiracies that amount to fake news. Has a horrible track record with fact checking."
Middle Ground <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Good catch, MG.
• • • • •
CNN has given Trump heartburn with what he calls “fake news,” and one might think that people who watch CNN would approve of the network supporting the Kavanaugh protestors who nearly rioted at the Supreme Court last weekend while Judge Kavanaugh was inside the building getting sworn in, but read the comments under the protest footage attached. I was surprised and I think your readers might be too.
(I don’t need any hate mail, so please withhold my name.)
Interested readers can click HERE to view the kerfuffle at SCOTUS.
• • • • •
I don’t do Facebook, but someone sent me this photo from Comelli’s Vintage SJPD page. I’m 6th from the left wearing a pinkish colored MERGE softball T-shirt our team wore in the summer of 1976. We were in the PD intramural league and played our games at Columbus Park and the PAL stadium near King and Hwy 680. One night we were playing the traffic softball team and Jean Sellman hit such a towering home run that it landed up on the freeway.
Others in the photo I recognize are Dan Ortega, Steve Kirkendall, Ron Mozley, Ray Swanson, Al McCulloch, Kent Cossey, Jim Baggott, John Pointer, and Dan McTeague (in the cowboy hat).
Ron (Webster) <email@example.com>
Of those Ron named, it's sad that Steve, Kent, Jim and Dan M. are no longer with us. May they all be resting in peace.
• • • • •
Kavanaugh vs. Ford — Oh those sexual sins! Shame, shame turning everything upside down!
True story — A week ago a friend invited me to attend a Sunday church service at Westside Chapel. It is home base for several ex-convict programs. The church houses some 40 (mostly men) who have recently been released from jail or prison, and who have agreed to abide by the rules of the programs. Some of the rules include Bible study several times a week as well as attendance at Sunday services. Also good to know; I'm not necessarily a Bible guy. Cast stones if you want, but remember, I just report.
The service was like (most) any other — singing (2 electric guitars, 1 drum) — loud, church news, meet and greet, followed by the sermon. It was given by a not-too-tall man named Dominic. As expected, it was Bible talk. That day it was about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Paradise — the temptation, that tree, the Tree of Knowledge (good and evil) — the first transgression, the fall from grace, the first shame, Cane and Able, jealousy and murder — the whole saga. The sermon was way too long.
I'll keep this as short as I possibly can.The conclusion was that our entire modern day situation was set in motion from the Garden of Eden and flows from there. Even throughout the decades, and centuries since that time, and even into today's mind stream it continues to be passed down one generation after another — man vs. woman, woman vs. man, Kavanaugh vs. Ford, Ford vs. Kavanaugh. The blame game seems eternal.
Was he right? Are we all still stuck in the muck of eons past in that transgression garden? Are we being our own victims and prisoners carrying out our share of that first guilt; that original gender clash? — 'It's your fault!; No it's your fault!' — that original issue of broken trust? That first fall which has had us tumbling about for ages?
If you think about it for awhile, it's still our choice to make — the eternal war, or the eternal dance.
Dave (Scannell) <firstname.lastname@example.org>
• • • • •
Glenn (Kaminsky) and I were Rabid Raider Rooters with season tickets. So, every other Sunday, we would load up with our wives, get to the parking lot early, pull out some goodies and the newspaper until just before game time, then get a beer and colossal hot dog and enjoy (or not) the game. When we made the Super Bowl, we got up very early on the day tickets went on sale. When we got to the stadium, the line was Verrrry Lonnnng. As we were standing there, a TV cameraman we knew came by. He took out season ticket info and went to the box office and returned with our tickets. Glenn gave his to his father, but Bev and I drove down to the Rose Bowl and enjoyed the game. Still have the tickets stubs. Cost was $12.00 each. Times have changed!!
Larry Otter <email@example.com>
Yes, times HAVE changed. Twelve bucks won’t even pay for parking anymore. Best bet these days is to forgo attending any NFL playoff games (including the SB), buy an ultra HD 65-inch flat screen TV, a couple of six packs and and watch it at home. Cheaper, too. And the best part is, you won’t have to wait in line at the Men’s Room, unless you have invited the neighbors over.
• • • • •
Could you please remind the readers to register and vote this November?
Jay Wendling <firstname.lastname@example.org>
EMERALD SOCIETY NEWS
—Memorials for Desmond and Jeffrey are four days apart—
CHRISTMAS DINNER DANCE REMINDER
YOUR INVITATION TO THE FIRE MUSEUM’S OPEN HOUSE ON OCT. 20
Reminder: Fire Museum Open House
This is a reminder that the San Jose Fire Museum's Open House at Old Fire Station One is coming up on Saturday, October 20, from 9 AM to 3 PM. All retirees are invited.
“KILL KAVANAUGH” TWEET COULD LAND HER IN THE POKEY
Teacher on Leave After Tweeting About Killing Justice Kavanaugh
By Sandy Malone — Blue Lives Matter — Oct. 8, 2018
Samantha Ness was put on paid administrative leave
after her school district received complaints about her tweet.
Rosemount, MN – A special education teacher has been placed on leave after her tweet about killing newly sworn in U.S. Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh went viral.
“So whose [sic] gonna take one for the team and kill Kavanaugh?” Samantha Ness tweeted from her now locked-down Twitter account @lookitsSammm, shortly after Kavanaugh was sworn in at a private ceremony.
The tweet quickly went viral and was forwarded to the Minneapolis office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), and to the school where Ness teaches.
Mark Zuzek, the superintendent of Intermediate School District 917, told the STAR TRIBUNE that the school district received a complaint about an employee over the weekend and placed that teacher on paid administrative leave “pending the outcome of the investigation.”
Ness is a teacher at Intermediate School District 917’s Alliance Education Center, and the superintendent’s announcement of the suspension of an unnamed employee was posted at the top of the school’s HOMEPAGE.
“Pursuant with the data practices act, we are limited to providing additional information regarding this matter,” Zuzek’s statement read.
A spokesman for the FBI in Minneapolis told the Star Tribune that they were aware of the tweet; however, it remained unclear which law enforcement agency would be investigating.
Twitter users also reported the tweet to the Minneapolis police and the U.S. Secret Service. The U.S. Supreme Court also has its own small federal police force, the Star Tribune reported.
The Star Tribune reported that the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Minnesota had recently successfully prosecuted at least two people accused of making threats against federal judges.
Click HERE then scroll down to review the readers’ comments about this story.
IF TRUMP WAS TO NOMINATE THIS LADY THE HARD LEFT WILL GO INSANE
Keeping in mind that this article appeared prior to President Trump’s nomination of Judge Kavanaugh for SCOTUS, the fact is this judge is still high on the list of possible choices. And some pundits are predicting that she may be “the one” should another seat become open.
Coney Barrett is the Favorite of Social Conservatives, but Democrats are Already
By David G. Savage
Los Angeles Times — July 9, 2018
Amy Coney Barrett was narrowly approved last
year to her first judicial posting, on the Chicago-
based U.S. 7th Circuit Court of Appeals. She's
expressed a willingness to overturn Supreme
Court precedents. (University of Notre Dame)
Of the leading contenders to become President Trump’s second pick to the Supreme Court, none have garnered more attention — and controversy — than Amy Coney Barrett.
Barrett, 46, is a newcomer with a sparse record as a judge. She was narrowly approved last year to her first judicial posting, on the Chicago-based U.S. 7th Circuit Court of Appeals.
But she quickly became the favorite for many social conservatives in Trump’s base, who like that she hails from South Bend, Ind., is a devout Catholic and has expressed a willingness to overturn Supreme Court precedents.
She has written and spoken frequently about the importance of her Catholic faith and in her belief that life begins at conception. That has led both supporters and detractors to believe she would be a solid vote to overturn the landmark 1973 Roe vs. Wade ruling that established a woman’s constitutional right to an abortion. Some Republican strategists also think it would be smart for President Trump to appoint a conservative woman to the Supreme Court if battles over abortion and religion are coming.
Last year during Barrett’s confirmation for the appellate seat, 17 women’s rights groups pointed out in a letter to the Senate that a 2003 article by Barrett appeared to say Roe was an erroneous decision. She had written that judges had considered when respect for precedent could justify keeping “an erroneous decision on the books,” and she cited just one decision, the 1992 Planned Parenthood vs. Casey ruling in which the high court reaffirmed the Roe decision.
Barrett’s supporters insist she was not expressing a personal view about Roe, but merely referring to the legal debate over whether a disputed precedent should be preserved because millions of women have come to rely on it.
But in her writings, she has called for the Supreme Court to be more open to overturning previous rulings, something that will likely become an issue if she faces confirmation hearings.
“I tend to agree with those who say that a justice’s duty is to the Constitution and that is thus more legitimate for her to enforce her best understanding of the Constitution rather than a precedent she thinks is clearly in conflict with it,” Barrett wrote in 2013.
Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine), who will hold one of the deciding votes on Trump’s nomination, has said she will only support a candidate who shows respect for court precedents.
As the media began to focus on Barrett in recent weeks, Democrats also took notice. Senate Minority Leader Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.) unleashed a string of criticisms against Barrett over her comments and writings about contraception, the Affordable Care Act, abortion and Supreme Court precedents.
Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) pressed Barrett during her confirmation hearing last year about an article in which Barrett suggested Catholic judges should recuse themselves from matters that conflict with their faith, such as signing death penalty orders.
“Dogma lives loudly within you, and that’s a concern,’’ Feinstein said. Conservatives and religious groups pounced on the senator, saying her comment reflected a lack of religious tolerance.
Barrett went to law school at Notre Dame and spent a few years in Washington as a law clerk for D.C. Circuit Judge Laurence Silberman and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. She returned to Notre Dame in 2002 to teach law.
As of the July 9, 2018 date of that article, THESE were the top contenders that Trump will select from.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
Lady’s Yearly Exam
From Sharon Lansdowne
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with the basics.
“How much do you weigh? she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turned out my weight was 180.
The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 feet 5,” I said.
The nurse check and saw that I only measured 5 feet 2.
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.
“Of course it’s high,” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch!
• • • • •
From the Archives
• My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
• I went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt. I'm thinking I should change dentists.
• A wife said to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He replied, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
• I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor — she only had $1.20 in her purse.
• I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
• The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
• A new Muslim clothing shop opened just down the block, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at their line of bomber jackets.
• You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.
• A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with both his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
• I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I knew 4,000 freakin' Muslims added me as a friend!
• A Red Cross representative just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
• Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
• • • • •
The Substitute Chili Cookoff Judge
From the Archives
Do you have the temperament for spicy food? For some people, it just comes naturally to eat food that’s hotter than hot. For others, it’s like being asked to ingest poison. Here’s a word of warning: if you don’t particularly have a tolerance for spicy stuff, you shouldn’t sign up to judge spicy food contests. We think you will agree this man was in over his head when he agreed to sign up as a judge for this chili cook-off. This is reportedly an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Chili #1 — Mike's Maniac Monster Chili
Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
Chili #2 — El Rancho's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 — Allfredo's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.
Chili #4 — Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 — Lisa's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6 — Varga's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili #7 — Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. *I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 — Big Tom's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 — No report.
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
No current monologues. All were reruns. Last new one was dated Sept. 28, which was in last week’s Farsider.
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for what’s new.
• • • • •
If you run across this kid at a miniature golf course and he wants to to spot you 10 strokes on an 18-hole round for a C-note, run. Run away FAST. (2:16)
• • • • •
With well over 24 million views, it can be assumed that this clip received from Comrade Kosovilka generated a significant amount of interest. And why not? It does pose the intriguing question of “How LOW can we go?” (8:10)
• • • • •
The Hope for Paws rescues for the week: Eldad and Loreta spotted a tiny poodle running towards an L.A. freeway and instinctively knew they had to rescue it before it became a morsel of road kill. It took a while, but they finally caught up with the little POOCH and named him "Sailor." (5:44)
~ ~ ~
Eldad and a new assistant (Jackie) responded to downtown L.A. on a report about an abandoned dog. At first, "Maxwell" didn’t take kindly to the gentle snare, but he finally came around which jump STARTED a future life of happiness. (6:18)
~ ~ ~
This Hope for Paws rescue was based on a report of an injured Pit Bull who was to be named Wallace. Eldad tried unsuccessfully for three days to capture the dog and finally had to resort to calling in Dr. Amsel armed with his tranquilizer DART gun. (4:43)
~ ~ ~
Hope for Paws received an urgent call about a kitten that had a broken jar stuck over its head. With the help of a couple of citizens, Eldad managed to remove the broken jar before taking the kitten to a vet to get checked out. As of a few weeks ago, "Jarrod" was being FOSTERED and waiting for a forever home. (4:46)
• • • • •
A kindergarten teacher failed to foresee the outcome of a classroom project in which she had each of her 5-year-old students plant a cactus seed in a clown planter, which was intended to be a gift for each child's mother at the end of the school year...
• • • • •
This week the portion of history that deserves to be remembered by The History Guy is about the American pilots who tried to defend Pearl Harbor with their P-40 Warhawks from the onslaught of the Japanese ATTACK on Dec. 7, 1941. (6:28)
• • • • •
This week’s mishap in the sky by Allec Joshua Ibay is the story about Aloha Airlines Flight 243, a Boeing 737. It was enroute to Honolulu from Hilo on the Big Island when it LOST the top of the forward section of the passenger compartment that resulted in the death of a flight attendant. (8:43)
• • • • •
We are bringing the DUDE PERFECT guys back again this week because of this clip that has drawn over 45 million views. If any of them try to talk you into playing Beer Pong, keep your money in your pocket. (5:50)
• • • • •
We chose the VIRGINIA BEACH (VA) Police Dept. to lead off this week’s Lip Sync Challenge entries because of the variety of songs and the participation of several of the city’s citizens. (4:28)
~ ~ ~
The OKLAHOMA CITY PD’s entry was short, but that didn’t stop the Dept. from receiving over 230,000 views. (1:31)
~ ~ ~
This entry from the VIRGINIA CONSERVATION POLICE boasts some of the most beautiful outdoor footage of all the challenges we’ve seen yet. For the outdoorsman, this looks like the near perfect agency to work for. (4:54)
~ ~ ~
A variation of songs gave the HENRY COUNTY (GA) PD high marks for its entry, that included the pic below of a swinging chief. (4:28)
~ ~ ~
The SPRINGFIELD (MO) PD presented the “Battle of the Sexes Springfield Style” as its entry for the Lip Sync Challenge. (Loved the ending!) (4:20)
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Last but not least is this one-man entry from the PINAL CO. (AZ) S/O, where Sheriff Mark Lamb is lip-syncing to Chris Ledoux’s country hit, “This Cowboy Hat.” If one is to believe the comments, this Hilo-born lawman is driving many women wild. (4:09)
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Hey, Kitty, what’s up with all these Internet challenges? Can you explain why THEY are so popular? (5:22)
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We are presenting this short advertisement we received from Lumpy as a public service for our male readers. Bottom line: Run, don’t walk, to your nearest Walgreens as THESE tablets are flying off the shelves. (0:51)
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Please, God, return Inspector Clouseau to us. If ever there was a time that America needed some good, hearty laughs, it is NOW! (4:23)
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When it comes to the art of making people laugh, no one does it better than Tim Conway. We again turn to this famous clip of Tim and the Elephant Story that we ran a few years back. It’s an outtake that only the live audience was privy to seeing first-hand; fortunately it was captured on tape so that millions of YouTube viewers could also see it. Tim’s dialogue came strictly from the head, there was no script. The part at the end that had Tim and Dick Van Dyke on the floor laughing was a result of Mama (Vicki Lawrence) saying, “You sure that little (A-hole) is done?” Click HERE and listen carefully to the dialogue which can be difficult at times due to the laughter of the live audience.(4:55)
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Great music and tons of energy is featured in this week’s flashmob closer that took place at the St. Pancras train station in London on New Year’s Eve a few years back. The group — “Living the Dream” — is a performing arts company run by young people for young people. Click HERE and watch them strut their stuff. (5:59)
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Pic of the Week
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Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Martinez, Jr., Raul
Muldrow, Mark "Mo"
O'Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve