The Farsider is an independent
publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association's Board of Directors or its membership.
FORMER OFFICER JAKE FERGUSON
Born Oct. 7, 1973
Appointed June 2001
Retired May 2009
Died Sept. 4, 2018
Mercury News Obituary — Sept. 15, 2018
Jacob T. Ferguson
On Tuesday, September 4, 2018, Jacob (Jake) Ferguson passed away at the Palo Alto Veterans Hospital after battling a long-suffering illness.
Born in San Jose, CA, Jake enlisted in the Army in 1992 and was stationed in Fort Bragg, North Carolina as part of the 82nd Airborne Division, Alpha Company 2-504th PIR. Upon completion of his term of service, Jake returned to his hometown of San Jose and, in 2001, became a SJPD police officer. An extremely driven individual, Jake was a competitive cyclist, snow boarder and an avid fisherman.
Jake is survived by his parents Sharon and Frederick Ferguson III, his brother Frederick (Rick) Ferguson IV, and his sisters Laura Mahoney and Tamara Olson.
An outdoor service (was) held for Jacob on Monday, September 17, at the San Joaquin Valley National Cemetery, 32053 West McCabe Rd., Santa Nella, CA.
The following message, photos and comments were posted on Facebook on Tuesday…
Lost a Fellow Airborne Infantryman 82nd Airborne and SJPD Brother Jake Ferguson. No more pain now, Jake. Check into the Rally Point and see all our Brothers that have been on duty in the great DZ in the Sky. God Bless and see ya when I see ya Airborne. RIP Warrior. —Mike Doc AJ O'Anjari
Comments as of Wednesday morning:
Karol Burke: God bless you, Jake, and rest easy now.
Margie Thompson: May God give you strength and embrace you during this time. Heaven has another Angel.
Mark Feifarek: I wondered what happened and why he disappeared. So sad.
Joe Salamida, Jr.: My condolences and prayers for him and his family.
JC Carlton: He was a good guy and way too young to go home, but he must have been needed. God bless.
David Madsen: RIP Jake. God bless you and your family. You will be missed, Brother.
Julie Denise Callahan: God Bless. Rest in Peace, Brother.
Natalie Grey: So young. Rest in peace.
Click HERE to sign and/or view Jake's Guest Book
Harrowing video of an LAPD police officer being shot at point-blank range was released this week and nary a word from the ACLU, AB 931 sponsor Assemblymember Weber or any of the anti-cop fringe groups who do nothing but attack our profession. These folks are more interested in pointing fingers at police officers for doing their job than looking in the mirror and doing some self-reflection about the debilitating impacts their policy proposals have on neighborhood, officer and public safety.
The practical reality of the ACLU pro-criminal agenda, championed by State Assemblymember Weber and other anti-police elected officials and fringe groups, is to put police officers in coffins or prison for doing their job. The SJPOA will continue to fight against these entities and the dangerous ideas they espouse. We will utilize facts and data to combat fiction, we will use science to defeat myths, and we will call out liars, deceit and falsehoods to protect you and the law enforcement profession.
The Los Angeles police officers in this video of a shootout with a convicted felon, and known gang member, would be dead if the officers had to run through the ACLU/Weber checklist of every conceivable alternative to stopping the immediate threat posed by this cold blooded criminal. This video reinforces that a split-second is all these officers had and it is all many officers have to react to deadly situations.
Click HERE to view the video. (9:56)
sponsors and co-sponsors of AB 931 are more interested in coddling criminals than
protecting police officers, they want to criminalize the split-second decisions
officers must make to save their own lives, the lives of their partners or to
protect the public. The madness will continue in Sacramento as soon as the
legislature is back in session and we will be calling upon you to help us cut
through the lies and tell your honorable story of what it is actually like to
be a police officer in San Jose.
By the way, the female LAPD officer that was shot is recovering from the bullet that shattered her femur and the subsequent surgery to put a metal rod in her leg, just in case the ACLU, Black Lives Matter and Assemblymember Weber were interested.
Paul Kelly, President, SJPOA
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
SJPD will benefit if Measure T passes, and the Mercury News endorses its passage. The problem is getting two-thirds of the voters to check Yes…
Yes on ‘T’ to Upgrade SJ Public Safety, Infrastructure
Mercury News Editorial — Sept. 16, 2018
The last time the San Jose City Council put a bond measure before voters, Ron Gonzales was mayor and Gray Davis was governor of California.
The 18-year gap has left San Jose with a $1.4 billion infrastructure backlog that city officials say is increasing by $110 million every year. The longer the city waits to repair and replace infrastructure, the more it will cost taxpayers.
A city of San Jose’s stature should have sufficient funding to provide well-maintained streets, roads and bridges as well as basic public safety facilities and flood control protections. Measure T won’t completely solve the problem, but it is a major step in the right direction. Voters should approve the $650 million infrastructure bond measure on the November ballot.
Measure T requires two-thirds voter support and will cost homeowners about $11 dollars per $100,000 assessed value every year. Opponents argue that general obligation bonds shouldn’t be used in part to pay for basic maintenance work. They say that the council could find sufficient money if it better managed its budget.
At this point, that’s not realistic. The budget cuts necessary to fund the city’s infrastructure needs would have a devastating impact on San Jose’s basic services, including public safety. And the only realistic alternative to bonds for raising revenues is a sales tax increase, a regressive tax that disproportionately hurts low income residents.
Nearly half of the Measure T funds — $300 million — would go toward repaving roads. A study released in August by the nonprofit organization TRIP found that 64 percent of San Jose’s streets and roads are in poor condition, costing the average motorist an additional $983 a year in vehicle operating costs. The need is obvious to anyone driving around San Jose on a regular basis. If the bond measure is approved, the repair work could get under way as soon as the City Council prioritizes the projects, floats the bonds and seeks and approves bids.
Measure T would also provide: • $20 million for bridge repairs, some of which are vulnerable to a major earthquake. Mayor Sam Liccardo said the city can leverage the bridge money into another $80 million from available state and federal sources.
• $175 million for upgrading and repairing police, fire and other emergency operations facilities. Two high priorities would include building the long-awaited Fire Station 37 in Willow Glen and building a police academy training facility. The fire station would significantly reduce emergency response times. The city could ultimately save money by building its own police training facility, rather than continuing to rent space.
• $85 million for flood protection, including $50 million to prevent the type of flooding that occurred last year in Coyote Valley; $13 million to upgrade community centers so they could serve as emergency shelters; and $20 million for replacing streetlights with LED lighting.
The San Jose City Council’s decision not to seek an infrastructure bond measure since 2002 has allowed the city to maintain an admirable credit rating and hold down its debt per capita for the past six years. But it’s also created a situation where its basic infrastructure needs scream out for attention. Voters should give their blessing to Measure T on the November ballot.
Attached is a photo of my son, former SJPD Officer Geoff Sumner, Badge #3428. He is now with the Austin PD and playing bagpipes as a member of the Austin PD Pipe and Drum Corp. The photo was taken in the Texas State Capitol Rotunda for the 911 Memorial. I have also attached a video of them playing "Amazing Grace" at the Memorial.
Ted Sumner, Badge #1580 <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Here is your pic and the video of Geoff playing the Pipes in the Rotunda on Sept. 11th, Proud Papa. In order to include the video I had to download it to my YouTube channel and convert the video attachment to a link (video email attachments are not compatible with the Farsider). Clicking on the link under the top image will play the short video…
• • • • •
Another great piece of work with today's "Farsider." As to veterans of SJPD now living back in the storm's path in the Carolinas, Dean Janavice is right in the path. That is, I think he's still there; I haven't chatted with him in a couple of years, but am sure I would have been updated of any change. Thank God the storm intensity seems to be slacking…slightly.
Kenn (Christie) <email@example.com>
After receiving Kenn’s message, I sent an email to Dean asking if he was OK? It took him over 24 hours to reply, but he eventually responded with the following:
Yes, thanks for asking! We are about 6 hours from the coast. For those looking at a map, we are in Brevard, just southwest of Asheville, and expecting up to 8 inches of rain. As we said in my Navy days, batten down the hatches and, worst case scenario, man the lifeboats! You can tell Kenn Christie the same thing I told my former Jarhead son, “We had Marines on our ships so the sailors had some one to dance with!”
Dean (Janavice) <firstname.lastname@example.org> (Note my new email address)
In true 'jarhead' fashion, Kenn shot back with “As for those swabbies that provided us with good boat rides to where we needed to go so we could get the job done, a million thanks for keeping the decks swabbed and the chow warm! Semper Fi” — Kenn
• • • • •
Another checkoff on the bucket list! His resting place is almost impossible to find without local help as it is serious boonies! Remarkable man who had an incredible impact on current affairs.
One of those whose influence was far, far greater than his rank. It was later he became known as Lawrence of Arabia.
Ken (Hawkes) <email@example.com>
When I emailed Ken back and asked for the location of Larry’s grave (OK, “Lawrence of Arabia”), he replied with the following:
South coast of the UK, area called Moreton, not a town, just a church and cemetery. One lane road in and out. It’s not in the GPS. Closest “town” is Wool, big town is Salisbury.
• • • • •
Tommy Kennedy, John Bariteau and I attended the American Legion steak feed in Lincoln last night — an event that quickly sells out in our patriotic and conservative community. These two vets standing next to me are into their 80s and still lookin’ good, me thinks.
Craig (Shuey) <firstname.lastname@example.org>
SAY HI TO THE SEPT. BIRTHDAY BOYS WHO WERE IN ATTENDANCE AT LAST
NIGHT'S PBA MEETING
(L-R) Carm Grande; Dennis Dolezal; Ron Gaumont; Doug Bergtholdt;
Aubrey Parrott; Joe Wicker; and Bruce Morton.
OPEN ENROLLMENT EVENTS AND DATES FOR RETIREES
Open Enrollment is quickly approaching and it’s time to start thinking about your 2019 benefit (medical, dental, vision, etc.) elections. Please read the important information below.
Things to do:
• Ensure your online account is working properly if you plan to submit your changes electronically. Note: Medicare changes cannot be submitted online.
• September — “Save the Date” informational postcard will be mailed to members – Do not throw this away. It is a handy reminder of information, dates and events pertinent to Open Enrollment.
* October — Open Enrollment Packets will be mailed to members. If you have not received your packet by October 31st, contact the Office of Retirement Services (ORS) at (408) 794-1000 immediately.
• October — October 11th - ORS presentation to the Association of Retired Police Officers and Firefighters at their monthly membership meeting. Sutter Health representatives will also be there to answer questions.
• November — November 1st: Information for all medical plans will be available online at: <https://www.sjretirement.com>
• November 7th: Retiree Health Fair - 10am-3pm, 1737 N. 1st Street, Suite 580, San Jose, CA
• November 8th: ORS presentation to the San Jose Retirees Association at their monthly membership meeting. Sutter Health representatives will be there to answer questions.
• November 30th: OPEN ENROLLMENT WILL END. No changes will be accepted after this date.
Office of Retirement Services
1737 N. First Street, Suite 600
San Jose, CA 95112
NAPO TAKES ON NIKE AND THE KAEPERNICK ADVERTISING ISSUE
—SJPOA is a member of the National Association of Police Organizations—
THIS WALL STREET JOURNAL EDITORIAL IS SPOT ON.
DISAGREE? SEND US AN EMAIL FOR THE MAIL CALL COLUMN AND TELL US WHY…
The #MeToo Kavanaugh Ambush
A story this old and unprovable can’t be allowed to delay a Supreme Court confirmation vote.
By the Editorial Board of the Wall Street Journal — Sept. 18, 2018
Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh testifies during the
third day of his confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary
Committee on Capitol Hill in Washington, U.S., Sept. 6
The woman accusing Brett Kavanaugh of a drunken assault when both were teenagers has now come forward publicly, and on Monday it caused Republicans to delay a confirmation vote and schedule another public hearing. Yet there is no way to confirm her story after 36 years, and to let it stop Mr. Kavanaugh’s confirmation would ratify what has all the earmarks of a calculated political ambush.
This is not to say Christine Blasey Ford isn’t sincere in what she remembers. In an interview published in the Washington Post on Sunday, Ms. Ford offered a few more details of the story she told anonymously starting in July. She says she was 15 when Mr. Kavanaugh, who would have been 17, and a male friend pushed her into a bedroom at a drinking party, held her down, and pawed her until the male friend jumped on them both and she escaped to a bathroom until the two boys left the room.
Mr. Kavanaugh denies all this “categorically and unequivocally,” and there is simply no way to prove it. The only witness to the event is Mr. Kavanaugh’s high school male friend, Mark Judge, who also says he recalls no such event. Ms. Ford concedes she told no one about it—not even a high school girl friend or family member—until 2012 when she told the story as part of couples therapy with her husband.
The vagaries of memory are well known, all the more so when they emerge in the cauldron of a therapy session to rescue a marriage. Experts know that human beings can come to believe firmly over the years that something happened when it never did or is based on partial truth. Mistaken identity is also possible.
The Post reports that the therapist’s notes from 2012 say there were four male assailants, but Ms. Ford says that was a mistake. Ms. Ford also can’t recall in whose home the alleged assault took place, how she got there, or how she got home that evening.
This is simply too distant and uncorroborated a story to warrant a new hearing or to delay a vote. We’ve heard from all three principals, and there are no other witnesses to call. Democrats will use Monday’s hearing as a political spectacle to coax Mr. Kavanaugh into looking defensive or angry, and to portray Republicans as anti-women. Odds are it will be a circus.
The timing and details of how Ms. Ford came forward, and how her name was coaxed into public view, should also raise red flags about the partisan motives at play. The Post says Ms. Ford contacted the paper via a tip line in July but wanted to remain anonymous. She then brought her story to a Democratic official while still hoping to stay anonymous.
Yet she also then retained a lawyer, Debra Katz, who has a history of Democratic activism and spoke in public defense of Bill Clinton against the accusations by Paula Jones. Ms. Katz urged Ms. Ford to take a polygraph test. The Post says she passed the polygraph, though a polygraph merely shows that she believes the story she is telling.
The more relevant question is why go to such lengths if Ms. Ford really wanted her name to stay a secret? Even this weekend she could have chosen to remain anonymous. These are the actions of someone who was prepared to go public from the beginning if she had to.
The role of Senator Dianne Feinstein is also highly irregular and transparently political. The ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee knew about Ms. Ford’s accusations in late July or early August yet kept quiet. If she took it seriously, she had multiple opportunities to ask Judge Kavanaugh or have committee staff interview the principals. But in that event the details would have been vetted and Senators would have had time to assess their credibility.
Instead Ms. Feinstein waited until the day before a committee markup on the nomination to release a statement that she had “information” about the accusation and had sent it to the FBI. Her statement was a political stunt.
She was seeking to insulate herself from liberal charges that she sat on the letter. Or—and this seems increasingly likely given the course of events—Senator Feinstein was holding the story to spring at the last minute in the hope that events would play out as they have. Surely she knew that once word of the accusation was public, the press would pursue the story and Ms. Ford would be identified by name one way or another.
Democrats waited until Ms. Ford went public to make public statements. But clearly some were feeding the names of Ms. Ford and her lawyer to the press, and now they are piling on what they hope will be an election-eve #MeToo conflagration.
“Senator [and Judiciary Chairman] Grassley must postpone the vote until, at a very minimum, these serious and credible allegations are thoroughly investigated,” declared Minority Leader Chuck Schumer on Sunday. “For too long, when women have made serious allegations of abuse, they have been ignored. That cannot happen in this case.”
His obvious political goal is to delay the confirmation vote past the election, fan the #MeToo political furies until then, and hope that at least two GOP Senators wilt under political pressure. If Republican Senators Jeff Flake and Bob Corker think a hearing will satisfy Mr. Schumer, they are right to retire from politics.
GOP Senators should understand that the political cost of defeating Mr. Kavanaugh will likely include the loss of the Senate. Democrats are already motivated to vote against Donald Trump, and if Republicans panic now their own voters will rightly be furious. They would be letting Democrats get away with the same dirty trick they tried and failed to pull off against Clarence Thomas.
It would also be a serious injustice to a man who has by all accounts other than Ms. Ford’s led a life of respect for women and the law. Every #MeToo miscreant is a repeat offender. The accusation against Mr. Kavanaugh is behavior manifested nowhere else in his life.
No one, including Donald Trump, needs to attack Ms. Ford. She believes what she believes. This is not he said-she said. This is a case of an alleged teenage encounter, partially recalled 30 years later without corroboration, and brought forward to ruin Mr. Kavanaugh’s reputation for partisan purposes.
Letting an accusation that is this old, this unsubstantiated and this procedurally irregular defeat Mr. Kavanaugh would also mean weaponizing every sexual assault allegation no matter the evidence. It will tarnish the #MeToo cause with the smear of partisanship, and it will unleash even greater polarizing furies.
Click HERE and scroll down to review the 2393 readers’ comments.
THIS IS WHY HE IS KNOWN AS GOV. MOONBEAM...
CA Governor Commutes Sentences for 20 Murderers Serving Life Without Parole
By Holly Matkin — Blue Lives Matter — Sept. 17, 2018
Nearly two dozen murderers sentenced to life without parole
will have the opportunity to be released onto the streets.
Los Angeles, CA – California Governor Jerry Brown recently commuted the sentences of 20 murderers who were supposed to remain in prison for life.
Brown’s move gave nearly two dozen convicted killers the opportunity to be considered for parole, The WASHINGTON POST reported.
He had already commuted the life sentences of another 62 criminals since 2011, and still has four months left in office.
In addition to the staggering number of commutations, Brown has also doled out over 1,100 pardons to criminals convicted of forgery, drunk driving, and drug sales offenses.
By comparison, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger granted just 15 pardons during his time in office, while former Governor Gray Davis issued none.
“2018 is the worst I’ve ever seen it,” Crime Survivors Resource Center founder Patricia Wenskunas, told The Washington Post. “The sad reality is, California is not a victim-friendly state. It’s an offender-friendly state.”
In August, Brown pardoned three former prisoners who were facing DEPORTATION to Cambodia, including one man convicted of murder.
In addition to the commutations and pardons, Brown also has the final word on parole board decisions, and has approved parole for over 2,300 murderers who were serving life sentences during his time in office, The Washington Post reported.
Nazgol Ghandnoosh, a research analyst for the criminal justice advocacy group, the Sentencing Project, hailed Brown’s sweeping pardons and commutations.
“It really stands out [in a good way,]” she told The Washington Post. “As a country, we need to move away from life without parole as a sentence altogether.”
Despite the criminal justice and judiciary layers that resulted in the life sentences being imposed, Brown took it upon himself to single-handedly alter their intended course.
“There has been an overshoot in the time many people expect [criminals] to be locked up in a cage or cell,” he said, according to The Washington Post. “I think there’s wisdom in having the possibility of hope [of being released].”
Association of Los Angeles Deputy District Attorneys President Michele Hanisee strongly disagreed, and argued that Brown’s latest commutations were “motivated by [his] personal philosophy of deincarceration.”
“It is another action by Gov. Brown in a long line of policy that makes California less safe,” Orange County Assemblyman Matthew Harper said.
Victims’ rights advocates also blasted the governor’s leniency, calling the commutations an injustice.
“Governor Brown, can you commute my daughter and bring her back?” said Jennifer Lundy, whose three-year-old child was murdered by a man living with her family in 1993. “What have you done to restore my life?”
Click HERE then scroll down to review the readers comments about this article.
Man Pretended To Have Down Syndrome, Hired Women To Change His Dirty Diapers
By Tom Gannett — Blue Lives Matter — Sept. 14, 2018
Paul Menchaca pretended to have Down syndrome
and would get sexually aroused when given baths.
Gilbert, AZ – A 30-year-old man was arrested for pretending to have Down Syndrome and hiring people to bathe him and clean his dirty diapers.
Paul Menchaca was arrested Sept. 6 by police at him home, according to KNXV-TV.
Menchaca posed as a person named Amy and hired caregivers to bathe and change the diapers of her son with Down syndrome.
One of the caregivers said that she helped change diapers and give baths to Menchaca about 30 times during the summer. It was done over various locations, according to KNXV. Click HERE for video report.
Two other caregivers said they started in July. All three caregivers knew each other, according to police. They all said Menchaca became sexually aroused when he was bathed.
The caregivers met Menchaca on apps like Carelinx and Care.com.
“He needed shower and grooming, he couldn't use the bathroom himself, he couldn't really be alone by himself,” one caregiver who was not identified told KNXV. “He acted like a child; his whole demeanor was childlike. He would act in tantrums, talk like a child, act like a child. Why would you do that? Why would you make us change you knowing you didn't have to. Why didn't you give us a choice?"
The first caregiver became suspicious and followed Menchaca to his real home after he was dropped off by another caregiver, according to KNXV. The first caregiver then knocked on the door and met Menchaca’s parents and at that point discovered he didn’t have Down syndrome or need diapers.
Another caregiver told KNXV that Menchaca told her he suffered from a traumatic brain injury.
"He did ask me a few times to come over and help him shower, but I was incredibly uncomfortable with that,” that caregiver told KNXV. “I feel disgusted and very uncomfortable. As a CNA I'm so drawn toward people who need help, vulnerable adults, somebody who can't even make it to the bathroom themselves."
When the three caregivers confronted Menchaca, he admitted that he had been lying to them.
"I do have a low IQ level," Menchaca said in court, according to KSAZ-TV. "My mom and dad both have paperwork to prove that, and started to talk to my dad about getting me some help, and getting me a counselor."
One of the caregivers said they feared for their safety after realizing they had been duped.
"It has affected my work as well," said one of the caregivers, according to KSAZ. "I've actually missed work for that, and I think that it should be held with either a substantial bond amount, or where he would not be released until the next court date, because I fear for my safety, in regards to that as well, as well as my family and friends, because I did bring my family and friends around him."
Menchaca stated that he was a school crossing guard for the Chandler Unified School District. He has been charged with fraudulent schemes and sexual abuse, according to KNXV.
Menchaca resigned Aug. 31 from his job at the school district. He was employed in various part-time jobs for about two years in support staff positions.
The Chandler Unified School District stated they did a background check that included fingerprint clearance and nothing came up on Menchaca, according to KNXV.
Click HERE then scroll down to review the readers’ comments about this story.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
Billy-Joe — Hank — Bubba
From the Archives
Bubba, Hank and Billy-Joe were playing golf one day. After they teed off on the 18th hole, Billy-Joe went hunting for his golf ball, slipped, fell into deep hole and was killed instantly. As the ambulance took his body away, Hank said, "Well, damn, one of us should go and tell his wife."
Bubba said, "I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later he came back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Hank said, "Where did you get the beer?"
"Billy-Joe's wife gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"That's unbelievable. You told Billy-Joe's wife that her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly," Bubba said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Billy-Joe's widow.' "
She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
• • • • •
From the Archives
Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my Doberman and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because the last time I tried the diet I ended up in the hospital, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in ICU with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and an IV in each arm.
I told her it was essentially a perfect diet, that the way it works is you load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, and because it worked so well I was going to try it again.
(By now, practically everyone in line was enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, the woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I was poisoned by the dog food. I told her no, that I had stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and was struck by a car.
The woman didn't think I was funny, but the other people standing in line were laughing so hard I thought they were going to have a heart attack.
• • • • •
From the Archives
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf, and it's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live to be ninety-eight and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."
• • • • •
analogies and metaphors…
From the Archives
Every year, English teachers from around the nation are invited to submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year for the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners...
• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it, and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
• Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
Sept. 12 — 18
Sept. 12: There's a new study from Gallup that says last year, 2017, was the most miserable year on record. According to what's known as the Global Emotions Report, an annual study of people all over the globe, since they started keeping track in 2005, last year was the world's most negative year. Who is to blame for that? "Young Sheldon," they say.
The poll said in the last year collectively the world was more stressed, more worried, sadder, and more in pain than ever. This is maybe the first time I can think of where Trump would be right to take all the credit for something.
Yesterday Trump made the astonishing claim that his team's response to Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico, where almost 3,000 lives were lost, was "an incredible unsung success." At 6:50 a.m. this morning he wrote, "We got A-pluses for our recent hurricane work in Texas and Florida and did an unappreciated great job in Puerto Rico, even though an inaccessible island. Puerto Rico by the way, with very poor electricity and a totally incompetent mayor of San Juan." He really does have a unique ability to make anything and everything about him. It's remarkable.
And he is ready for Hurricane Florence. Ever since he got the call from the National Weather Service, he's been warming up in the bullpen throwing roll after roll of paper towels.
Amazon has a new thing going. Amazon is going to sell Christmas trees this the year. Live 7-foot Christmas trees will be available this holiday season. It's not enough that Amazon's putting every store out of business, now they're going after the vacant stores' parking lots, too.
It doesn't feel right. It's like the Three Wise Men sharing an Uber to visit the Baby Jesus.
Sept. 13: In New York today the polls were open for a star-studded Democratic primary for governor. The incumbent, and heavily favored, Andrew Cuomo found himself squared off against an actress, Cynthia Nixon from "Sex and the City," who challenged the sitting governor in spite of having no political experience. That doesn't surprise me. Cynthia Nixon, she's such a Miranda.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo joined Instagram this week, which is odd. This was his first post. Declaring his department the Department of Swagger. [photo of Pompeo fist-bumping a woman in front of a crowd under an arch that says "Department of Swagger"] That's real. You know, between the Space Force and the Department of Swagger? This Trump administration has really given us an exciting look at what the government could be if it were run by a wealthy 12-year-old.
The FDA is said to be cracking down on teenage vaping. Vaping for those who don't know is the reason your Uber smells like pineapple turpentine whenever you get in it.
Sept. 17: Starting tomorrow a new version of the Emergency Broadcast System is going to allow President Trump to send texts to all of our cellphones. Trump said, "I thought I'd try announcing emergencies instead of just causing them."
A recent poll shows when asked what their favorite Mexican restaurant is, Americans overwhelmingly said Taco Bell. As soon as they heard, Mexico offered to pay for the wall.
At a party last night, Trump supporter and "Apprentice" producer Mark Burnett physically assaulted Tom Arnold. Arnold was unhurt and said, "It's nice to be recognized."
Sept. 18: You probably heard that Stormy Daniels' book is out. Stormy Daniels has written a memoir and she describes sex with Trump as the "least impressive sex" she's ever had. Once she heard this, Melania Trump said, "This confirms it. That's proof. He DID sleep with her."
A new lawsuit came out and it claims that female employees were harassed at Del Taco restaurants. The lawsuit says the women were exposed to unwanted advances, crude remarks, and food from Del Taco.
While covering the Emmys last night, The New York Times confused actress Angela Bassett with former White House adviser Omarosa. Making matters worse, today the Times extended a heartfelt apology to Serena Williams.
Sept. 12: Fashion Week wrapped up today here in New York City. It's very cool, actually. Everything on the runway will be in stores by 2019 and on the floor at T.J. Maxx by 2030.
Kanye West said that Kim Kardashian is actually enrolled in law school. When he found out, President Trump said, "I want to change my Supreme Court nominee. Can we do that now? Is it too late?"
Speaking of the president, the White House is now planning a second meeting between Trump and Kim Jong Un. Which means in the last few months, Trump will have seen Kim Jong Un twice as many times as he's seen Melania.
There's a new documentary about dating apps called "Swiped." Did you guys hear about this? People thought the preview looked good, but when they showed up, it looked like a completely different movie.
The big movie this weekend is the reboot of "Predator." When they first heard the title, people thought, "Isn't it a little early for Les Moonves to stage a comeback?"
I saw that Disney World has a special fall menu that includes a Pumpkin White Russian. Yep, a pumpkin and a White Russian. Or as it's also known — collusion.
Sept. 17: This weekend was the start of Hispanic Heritage Month. And today, President Trump hosted an event at the White House to celebrate. He was like, "It's important to recognize this country's great Hispanic people. Dora the Explorer. And that hot chick from 'Modern Family.'"
Trump was at an event celebrating Hispanic heritage. And this is nice — he even brought along Jeff Sessions to be the piñata.
FEMA has a new emergency alert system that would let Trump send a message to every cellphone in the U.S. They even have a name for it — Twitter.
Coca-Cola might be working on a drink that's infused with weed. They're still going to put your name on the side of the can. 'Cause it's the only way you'll remember it.
We'll know Coke is selling pot soda when the president sends a tweet that says, "Wait, what if the wall doesn't keep anyone out but just traps us IN?"
Sept. 18: Stormy Daniels has written a book about Trump. An advance copy just came out. And she actually writes about her night with Trump in detail. Which explains why every book comes with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and a straw.
There's a new trend in makeup right now called "draping." You know what that is? It's where people blend their eye shadow and blush together. Or as it's also known, sweating.
An Arby's in California is offering customers free Arby's tattoos. It's a perfect way for people to show they don't care about the inside or the outside of their body.
Sept. 12: President Trump today repeated his claim that hurricane relief in Puerto Rico was a success, tweeting that "they did an unappreciated great job in Puerto Rico. Even though an inaccessible island… with very poor electricity and a totally incompetent mayor of San Juan." It was so offensive that Hurricane Florence turned north.
Donald Trump Jr. said in an interview yesterday that he is not worried about going to jail as a result of Special Counsel Mueller's investigation. Yeah, jail's nothing to worry about. On your first day there, just walk up to the biggest guy in the yard and say, "Hey, Dad."
President Trump tried to have braille removed from the elevators in Trump Tower, because "no blind people are going to live in Trump Tower." Wait a minute, Melania's not blind?
According to a new poll, 11 percent of Americans say they view President Trump as very liberal. I assume they meant with his makeup?
An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay titled "How to Murder Your Husband" was arrested yesterday, for the alleged murder of her husband. But her lawyer is more concerned about her other essay, "How to Poison Your Lawyer."
Sept. 13: President Trump today claimed that Democrats manufactured the death toll of Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico to make him look as bad as possible adding, quote, "If a person dies for any reason like old age, just add them onto the list." Oh, my God. That tweet is so offensive, even the Twitter bird tried to distance himself [graphic of Twitter bird flying away].
Journalist Bob Woodward's new book detailing life within the Trump administration sold more than 750,000 copies in its first day of release. I guess it was pretty smart of him to call the book "Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom."
Filmmaker Michael Moore told MSNBC yesterday he believes it is absolutely possible that President Trump could be the last president of the United States. And that's probably true. Last in spelling. Last in empathy. Last in geography. Last in approval ratings.
A new study found that just 52 percent of adults said they read books, while the other 48 percent said, "Duh."
According to a nationwide customer survey, Americans have named Taco Bell as the best Mexican restaurant in the U.S. Said Mexico, "OK, yeah. We're ready for the wall. Just do it. Fine. It's fine with us now."
Starbucks yesterday announced plans to build 10,000 eco-friendly stores by 2025, which means America will have to add more street corners.
Sept. 17: Former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort on Friday struck a deal to cooperate with the Mueller investigation. And then Trump struck a door, two walls, and Eric.
Some analysts are claiming that Special Counsel Robert Mueller may have struck a plea deal with former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort to target high-level Russian officials, not President Trump. Because Trump is a LOW-level Russian official.
According to reports, President Trump could impose $200 billion in new tariffs on Chinese goods as soon as next Monday, so don't be surprised if you see prices rise on several Chinese goods — like Trump ties, Trump hats, Trump flags, Trump buttons, Trump socks, or everything else Trump makes.
Germany today launched a service on the world's first passenger trains that run on hydrogen — unlike here in New York, where the trains run on occasion.
Scientists have announced plans to build a genetic Noah's Ark which will contain genetic information from 66,000 species, beating the previous record held by the comforters at Days Inn.
Sept. 18: Following an accusation of sexual assault, Supreme Court Justice-nominee Brett Kavanaugh visited the White House today for the second day in a row. It's the first time an accused sexual assaulter has gotten into the White House without the Electoral College.
Amazon is planning to introduce up to eight new smart home devices this year, including a voice-controlled microwave oven. Though if you need voice control to use a microwave, maybe you're too drunk to eat whatever you're asking for.
Sept. 12: Yesterday, after being briefed on Hurricane Florence, President Trump had this to report: [Trump clip] "They haven't seen anything like what is coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet." Thank you, President Children's Book, for reminding us that rain is wet, cows go moo, and cars go beep.
Later Trump went on to describe earthquakes as "tremendously bouncy" and tornadoes as "tremendously swirly."
Nobody uses the word "tremendous" as much as Trump does. He's like that kid who learns one big word and always finds a way to use it in sentences, even if it's wrong. "If I don't get home for dinner, my mother's going to be so tremendous."
In other Trump news, the president seems to be getting more and more paranoid. His son Donald Jr. said in an interview yesterday that the circle of White House aides his father can trust is getting smaller. Donald Trump thinks everyone is against him. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Yep. We most certainly are."
The only people the president feels he can really trust are family, which explains why he starts a new family every few years.
Apple had another one of its big product unveilings today. At the event, Apple launched a bunch of new products, including several new versions of the iPhone X. One of the new phones has a 6.5-inch screen and can withstand being underwater for up to 30 minutes. So it's capable of being both tremendously big and tremendously wet.
According to a recent report, NASA is looking into selling naming rights to their spacecraft. Not only will it affect the rockets, imagine the countdown. "18, 17, 16, 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more on your car insurance, 14."
Sept. 13: Yesterday, Donald Trump signed an executive order that will impose sanctions on foreign countries that try to interfere in United States elections. He's trying to stop election interference? He loves election interference! What's next, trying to stop bad spray tans, three-cheeseburger dinners? This is a real change for Trump. Usually when he punishes a foreign person it just means he's getting married again.
Bob Woodward's book, "Fear: Trump in the White House," was released on Tuesday and it's setting all kinds of sales records. It sold 750,000 copies in one day. Yeah. This comes after both "Fire and Fury" and Omarosa's book also exposed chaos in the Trump administration. Now, credit where credit is due — Trump is "Making America Read Again."
According to one excerpt, Donald Trump suggested that the government should just "print more money." Oh, OK, I'm starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt.
If you think Trump's economic ideas are crazy, you should hear Trump's plan for global warming. He thinks the government should just make more ice cubes.
Archaeologists in South Africa have discovered what they say is the world's oldest drawing. Experts think the crude, simple drawing on a rock was created more than 70,000 years ago. And probably during the world's first extremely boring work meeting. While a bunch of starving cavemen were off fighting a saber-toothed tiger, one guy was like, "Hey is it cool if I take a personal day to hang back and work on my art?"
The rock features the world's oldest known drawing found on a stone. This is historic, because it's the first time that "rock," "oldest" and "stone" have been used in the same sentence without mentioning Mick Jagger.
Sept. 18: Following a contentious week of hearings, the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh has hit a major snag due to a recent sexual misconduct allegation. In an interview over the weekend, one Republican senator criticized the confirmation process as "an intergalactic freak show." Trump supporters then immediately complained that intergalactic freaks are coming over here illegally and stealing all our shows.
An intergalactic freak show. I like to think that billions of light years away, an emperor of some alien galaxy is really offended that someone just compared him to Brett Kavanaugh.
Republicans have also been critical of the timing of the misconduct allegation. They were like, "This isn't how it works. You're supposed to find out we're creeps AFTER we're confirmed. That's what we do."
The Emmys were last night, which meant there were various parties happening all around Los Angeles this weekend. One party got a little out of control when actor Tom Arnold and "Apprentice" producer Mark Burnett argued over Donald Trump and it escalated into a physical fight. You know things are bad in America right now when this story isn't the intergalactic freak show.
I have so many questions. I do. But mainly, my biggest question is, why is Tom Arnold at an Emmys party?
Tom Arnold fighting a reality TV show producer over President Donald Trump. The only way this could be more of a 2018 story is if they also had a shoe thrown at them by Cardi B.
A small town in Missouri recently launched a newspaper called The Examiner. The mayor is upset about this and to understand why, you need to know that the town is called — I promise this is real — Uranus. So the newspaper that they launched is The Uranus Examiner.
Now, the mayor wants the name changed. She thinks it opens up the town to ridicule. Though it's hard to command any respect when your official title is "Mayor of Uranus."
But the city has bigger issues. They're facing a scandal. The Uranus Examiner covered it here: "Authorities Finger Assistant Councilman in Probe."
Sept. 12: President Trump has been hard at work both preparing for the hurricane and bragging about how good he is at hurricanes. [Trump clip] "We got A-pluses for our recent hurricane work in Texas and Florida and did an unappreciated great job in Puerto Rico, even though an inaccessible island." Just hold up right there. I'd like to point out that we knew it was an island before the storm hit. It wasn't a surprise. And what do you mean by "inaccessible?" People go there for spring break. It's not that island where they're hiding King Kong.
The Russia investigation is still marching on, and today there's big news about Trump's former campaign manager Paul Manafort. Rumors are Manafort is in talks with the special counsel's office about a possible plea deal. Yes, the man Trump called brave for not turning state's evidence is now flipping like a gymnast making pancakes on a trampoline.
But you can't blame Manafort. He now faces a second trial after he was already found guilty and faces up to 10 years in prison. You know what they say: "Convict me once, shame on you. Convict me twice, I will tell you anything!" Trump eats panda meat! Melania is a hologram! That's not the original Ivanka! She's a clone. She's a clone!
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for what’s new.
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Starting on a serious note, this is police helicopter footage showing the conclusion of a Texas chase that ended with a 10-65 suspect and a wounded TROOPER. The video is relatively fresh as it was posted on YouTube on Sept. 2nd. (2:40)
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The lesson here is if you have to go to San Francisco, take Uber, Lyft, the train, the bus, or walk. This film crew from Inside Edition set up a sting to catch some “smash and grab” car thieves in the City last week. The first theft was expected. The second one was not. THIS would be laughable if it wasn’t real. (4:14)
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We are going to assume that the legalization of weed in California and other states is responsible for Taco Bell being voted as the best Mexican restaurant in the U.S. Our theory is that it’s because they stay open so late at night. Whatever the reason, that’s what the Harris Poll says. Click HERE if you don’t believe us.
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If this item received from Comrade Kosovilka was a legitimate Coke commercial back in 2010 when it was posted on YouTube, it could be argued that it was in bad taste. But that, of course, is in the eye of the beholder. One thing is certain: It’s as far away and removed as possible from the Coco Cola ads featuring the friendly jingles and lovable Polar Bears we have become accustomed to over the YEARS. (2:40)
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This video soccer star Scott Sterling — the world’s most dedicated and toughest goalie — is a must watch. Seriously, give this soccer shootout a LOOK, even if you are not into Soccer. (5:17)
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It was probably wrong to laugh at this martial arts “expert” who appeared on Sri Lanka’s Got Talent, but we couldn’t help ourselves. On the upside, his performance ended well as the three judges voted YES so he could go on to the next round. He even got a hug from one of the judges. (1:07)
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Seldom is Britain’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell as excited about a performance as he was with this act called BOOGIE STORM. Yet not a single word is uttered nor are any faces of the performers seen. (5:33)
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Don’t discount Spain. Some of their citizens have an unmeasurable amount of talent, too, like this young lady who can make her body do THINGS that Mother Nature didn’t intend for it to do. (3:02)
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If you thought the late Steve Jobs of Apple had some personality quirks, take a few minutes and listen to the genius behind the Tesla, Space X and other sundry items. Just a few minutes will SUFFICE unless you get drawn into what he is saying. (14:06)
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This clip speaks well for the Irish and their friendliness. If this prank had taken place in the U.S., the BUSHMAN would have likely been beaten to a pulp and wound up in the hospital — or the morgue. (9:35)
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Along similar lines, people are shocked when they approach this statue of THE BRONZE COWBOY and find out he is very much alive. (6:04)
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(Caution This could be considered R-rated) — Aussie comedian Kitty Flanagan isn’t just a regular on the hit Australian TV show “The Weekly,” she also appears in a variety of comedy shows Down Under. HERE she is opening an International Comedy Festival a few years back. (3:46)
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This Lip Sync team had us baffled at first because we couldn’t tell who was doing the driving. Then we realized after reading a few of the comments that these were Australian cops, where their vehicles are right-hand drive. Furthermore, with a posted date of last Dec., could these two have started the Law Enforcement Lip Sync Challenge here in the U.S.? Whatever the case, the male cop seems to put up with his female partner at first, then he REALLY gets into the flow of the song. (3:54)
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This unique Lip Sync Challenge from the FORT WORTH PD is a must watch as it is comprised of a single solitary cop playing 4 different roles. He has enough talent that he could continue making a living if he chose to give up his day job in OUR opinion. (4:06)
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This is the ROANOKE (VA) PD challenge. Unlike the Fort Worth entry above that was comprised of a single officer, several members of the RPD as well as some non-sworn personnel and civilians participated in this challenge. (4:50)
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There were a lot of happy feet at the little NIXA (MO) PD as its challenge was patterned after “Footloose.” You may not recognize the song until you hear these cops lip sync to it. With a strength of 25 officers and 6 non-sworn personnel, the Dept. called on several of its 25,000 citizens to participate. (3:58)
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The SKOKIE (IL) PD was our final Lip Sync Challenge pick this week as it was one of the more popular entries with over 280K views. In fact, we give these cops a score of 9.5 based on their musical selections that included “We Will Rock You,” “The Macarena,” “Gangnam Style,” “Macho Man” and “YMCA,” just to name a few. Well done, Skokie! (5:00)
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This doesn't qualify as a challenge entry, but when it comes to lip syncing in patrol cars, no one does it better than this cop who we highlighted a few years ago. We thought he was so good that we decided to bring him back for an ENCORE. (4:11)
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When it comes to captured German transportation from WW II, some or all of this collection received from Comrade Kosovilka might be of interest. As near as we can tell, the parade of vintage German vehicles took place somewhere in the UK. If you feel the floor rumbling at the end of the VIDEO, it might be a result of the deep growl of the Tiger Tank. (8:35)
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With Eldad on another rescue, Lisa and JoAnn from Hope for Paws teamed up to rescue a homeless dog that was living on a golf course. The dog was so skittish that the gals had to resort to setting a trap, and THIS was how “Falcon” was rescued. (4:28)
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This is another case of Lisa and JoAnn teaming up without Eldad, but this time their goal was to rescue a mama cat and her kittens that were hiding under a shed. When the mama realized what was going on, she snatched the first of the five kittens and stashed it under the house, forcing the girls to act quickly to rescue the rest before mama returned for more of her babies. When all was said and done, it was mission accomplished with the RESCUE of Beauty (mama) and her five babies: Maurice, Gaston, Labou, Cogsworth and Chip. (5:44)
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When Hope for Paws received a call that an abandoned domestic bunny was living in a cemetery in L.A., Eldad and Loreta responded to see if they could find and RESCUE the little fella who they named “Mister Bones.” (4:54)
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For this week’s final Hope for Paws video, it took Eldad, Lisa and Loreta working together to rescue this scared Pit Bull that was hiding in a pipe at an oil refinery. The homeless dog they named “Tank” was not a happy camper at first, THEN… (4:13)
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The title and length of THIS video clip is short and succinct: “This Pup is Not for Sale.” (0:51)
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These Dude Perfect dudes hit the jackpot with their YouTube channel and the videos they produce. They are so popular that Google says they have an estimated net worth of over $10 million and that their annual salary is around $1.5 million. It’s all based on how many viewers watch their videos, and close to 93 million have seen THIS clip of the crew showing off their Water Bottle Flips, Part 2. (4:57)
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In June 1993, a critical part failed on a Piper PA-31-325 C/R Navajo, causing one of the most impressive crash landings in aviation history. The History Guy feels this is a part of History that Deserves to be REMEMBERED. (13:01)
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No matter what continent, what country, or what city, flashmobs always seem to bring smiles to the unsuspecting audiences, and this one that took place in the Federal District of Mexico City is no EXCEPTION. (4:47)
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Pic of the Week
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