The Farsider is an independent
publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association's Board of Directors or its membership.
For Immediate Release
Night of Mass Police Shootings Showcases Dangers of Policing
San Francisco, CA: A night of multiple police shootings in Florida and Pennsylvania should remind every American of the dangers police face each day while trying to keep our communities and neighborhoods safe.
Policing is not easy and every call has the potential to turn into a life or death situation.
As a lifelong Police Officer, I can tell you first-hand that this job gets more difficult every day. This is another tragic example of the ultimate sacrifice paid by law enforcement officers nationwide to uphold the oath of service and protection.
UCOPS, along with the nation's Law Enforcement community, grieves the loss of Kissimmee Police Officer Matthew Baxter. Our prayers also go out to Kissimmee Sergeant Sam Howard, who was gravely wounded and is fighting for his life. We also pray for the two Jacksonville Officers and two Pennsylvania State Troopers as they battle their injuries.
As we grieve, let us not forget the families, loved ones, and friends of these brave heroes.
The United Coalition of Public Safety works on behalf of law enforcement officers and the communities they serve nationwide to shape strong partnerships and break down communication barriers; building trust through active engagement, honest dialogue, education, and outreach.
Your SJPOA is a founding executive member of UCOPS.
Stay safe and watch over each other daily.
Paul Kelly, SJPOA President
Many members have contacted the POA with regard to this Mercury News article about the City's plans to provide shelter to the homeless (click HERE to read the Mercury News article). Although providing shelter for our homeless population is an important initiative, one that we wholeheartedly support, the location of where to place these shelters must take into consideration any risk to safety.
Locating the homeless near the Police Department has made the 'short' list. We think the risk to your safety, while reporting to and leaving work, is too great for this location to be finalized. We have been in contact with Chief Garcia and Assistant Chief Knopf to voice our strong objection to the potential homeless housing that 'could' be placed directly next to our Police Department. The Chief's Office is aware of the safety and security issues that arise with this potential location and agrees with your POA that there are a variety of safety concerns.
Our concerns have been stressed to the involved city staff handling this assignment. We will continue to push against relocating our homeless population in the area of the Guadalupe Freeway and Taylor Street area. I will continue to keep you updated on this matter.
Paul Kelly, SJPOA President
Former Mayor Chuck Reed who continues to be obsessed with the cost of government pensions authored this letter that appeared in last Friday’s paper, but it didn’t go unanswered. (See the next letter.)
Pension System Needs Major Reforms
Readers Letters, Mercury News, Aug. 18, 2017
Regarding the story “Santa Clara County, Oakland top fat pension ranking for public workers:" The California system is great at promising pensions, but is a failure at properly funding those promises. A case in point: the CalPERS $100K Club. Nearly 23,000 California public retirees last year each received more than $100,000 in annual pension benefits, from a system that’s $111 billion in debt. This is what happens when the cost of pension benefits far outweigh contributions. Because California has not fully funded its employee benefits over the last 18 years, CalPERS is only 69 percent funded. That means it does not have all the money it should have to pay the $100K Club members, so the shortage just goes on the taxpayers’ credit card.
By counting on overly ambitious market returns and not requiring promised benefits to be funded at 100 percent, CalPERS is putting at risk the retirement security of many workers. Unless major action is taken to reform the system, the $100K Club is just not sustainable.
— Chuck Reed, former mayor, San Jose chair, Retirement Security Initiative
• • • • •
Readers Letters, Mercury News, Aug. 22, 2017
Former San Jose Mayor is Still Wrong on Pension Policy
“When he was mayor, Chuck Reed’s ignorance about pension policy virtually destroyed the San Jose Police Department. His letter to the editor (Letters, Aug. 18) shows he’s still dead wrong.
After criticizing the roughly 3.5 percent of CalPERS retirees who get high pensions, Reed wrote “This is what happens when the cost of pension benefits far outweighs contributions.” Of course, in every pension plan — even the best managed — the cost of benefits will far outweigh contributions. That’s because both employer and employee contributions earn interest (or investment income) for decades. Pension benefits are supposed to be paid for out of contributions plus earnings.
In San Jose, the voters overturned Reed’s failed pension strategy — Measure B. The police department is now recovering. Maybe Reed should learn something from the electorate.”
— Bob Brownstein, San Jose
For whatever reason, the Mercury News chose not to credit Brownstein with past articles critical of Measure B that was eventually overturned by the voters. THIS link will take you to an article he wrote in May 2014 that was titled “San Jose’s false reform: It’s time to get real about pension and other challenges.”
• • • • •
And there was also this letter to the editor that appeared in today’s (Aug. 24) paper…
Former Mayor Puts Police in Retreat Mode
Aside from ” … Mayor Chuck Reed’s ignorance about pension policy… ” (“Former San Jose mayor still wrong on pension policy,” Letters, Aug. 21), he also failed to anticipate the consequences of his ignorance.
For one, he obviously did not foresee the exodus of seasoned officers. In that failure he failed to understand what is need for effective policing.
One significant component of effective policing is knowledge of the street. That comes from years of experience. And that is where Chuck Reed failed in understanding the importance of paying for that knowledge.
What Reed did was to put San Jose’s police department into retreat mode while it tried to rebuild the loss of years of street experience from seasoned officers and detectives.
— Ken Colson, Former chair, Administration of Justice Department West Valley College
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
What’s the name of that group in the Middle East that is intent on destroying statues and symbols of a religion it doesn’t like? Oh yeah: ISIS…
Jose Organizers Push to Remove Christopher Columbus Statue from City Hall
By Ramona Giwargis <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Bay Area News Group — Aug. 23, 2017
A battle is brewing inside San Jose City Hall to remove a statue some say represents violence and genocide. The San Jose Brown Berets last week launched a petition to remove the Christopher Columbus statue from the City Hall lobby, its home since the East Santa Clara Street building opened in 2005.
“That part of history was written in my people’s blood,” said Peter Ortiz, 27, a labor organizer, trustee at Mount Pleasant Elementary School District and co-chair of the Brown Berets. “Christopher Columbus didn’t just come here with nuts and berries for my ancestors. There was rape and genocide.”
The statue was donated to San Jose in 1958 by the Italian-American community. It was displayed in the old City Hall for decades before being moved to the new building. But in 2001, a man smashed the controversial Italian explorer’s face with a sledgehammer, while shouting “Murderer!” and “Genocide!”
The vandal, James Michael Cosner of Santa Cruz, was arrested and forced to pay for the statue’s restoration — around $66,000.
Columbus, who had set out to establish a western trade route to Asia, has been celebrated as the first European explorer to introduce Europe to the Americas. But he has drawn criticism for his harsh treatment and enslavement of indigenous people.
At least one prominent San Jose politician of Italian descent defended the Columbus monument.
“No person in history is perfect — everybody has some flaw,” said former San Jose Councilman Pierluigi Oliverio, who’s running for county supervisor. “But ultimately it’s the history of how the civilized world expanded.”
Mayor Sam Liccardo, who is also Italian, said he doesn’t “spend a lot
of time thinking about where statues should go” and supports more “concrete
actions” to promote racial equality and immigrant protections.
The fight over San Jose’s Columbus statue comes amid a national debate over monuments to historic figures some see as unworthy of honor. Monuments of Confederate leaders around the country have come under fire as racially insensitive and an inspiration to white supremacists. Columbus monuments too have come under fire: A Columbus statue in Houston was defaced Friday. Organizers are demanding a statue be taken down in downtown Columbus, Ohio, and a Columbus monument in Baltimore was smashed Monday morning.
Ortiz said his group is willing to work with the city to find a better place for the statue.
“Every time I walk into the City Hall, it’s like a slap in the face,” Ortiz said. “We aren’t trying to offend anyone, we are just trying to advocate for the unheard voices of our community.”
Councilman Raul Peralez‘s office is working on a formal resolution to remove the statue.
But Oliverio said if San Jose gives Columbus the boot, it should look at each piece of public art citywide. “I’m much prouder of the Columbus statue than the Quetzalcoatl in Cesar Chavez park, which looks like a turd.”
Do you believe that George Soros paid the alt left demonstrators to protest in Charlottesville. You seem to be pretty good at determining the real from the unreal. Watch this video and tell me what you think.
Red State <email@example.com>
Click HERE for the video Red sent in. As for me determining if the alt left protestors were paid by George Soros, the answer is not until Snopes, TruthOrFiction, FactCheck and/or PolitiFact make such a determination. And none of those sites have covered the issue as of press time. Besides, there is so much mistrust and political garbage clogging up the Internet these days that it doesn’t really matter what the truth is because people who ‘want’ to believe if something is real even if it’s not will have already made up their mind; the truth be damned. Ditto for the other side of the political spectrum. Is it conceivable that the alt left protestors at Charlottesville and other venues were paid demonstrators? The answer is yes, it is possible. Click HERE if you want to work for Crowds On Demand as a protestor for $25 an hour. This subject is covered in a separate item below.
• • • • •
There was a post in last week’s Farsider showing a New York Daily News editorial from 1949 entitled “Ode to the Welfare State.”
It prompted me to look into how many people in America are receiving welfare monies today. I’m defining ‘welfare’ here as those associated programs that are financed by the federal and state governments with money obtained from individual income and corporate tax revenues. Here are the 2016 statistics from the U.S. Departments of Health and Human Services, Agriculture and Housing and Urban Development (rounded to the nearest thousand) showing the number of adults and children who received federal welfare during the year (be aware that many of these individuals receive money from more than one funding source and are therefore counted more than once):
• Medicaid - 70,521,000
• Food Stamps (SNAP Program) – 44,600,000
• Housing Assistance – 7,676,000
• Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) - 4,306,000
• Other welfare assistance programs – 4,537,000
Length of time they receive payments for:
• Less than 7 months - 19.0%
• 7 months to 1 year – 15.2%
• 1 to 2 years – 19.3%
• 2 to 5 years – 26.9%
• More than 5 years – 19.6%
Looking at which states receive the largest amount of federal funding per capita for their state’s Medicaid recipients, the top ten include Mississippi, West Virginia, Idaho, South Carolina, New Mexico, Kentucky, Utah, Arkansas, Alabama and Arizona.
Looking at which states receive the largest amount of federal funding per capita for food stamps the top ten are Mississippi, Oregon, Tennessee, New Mexico, Louisiana, West Virginia, Kentucky, Alabama, Florida and South Carolina. California is among the smallest in 41st place.
Ed. — I suppose I should feel good that California is 41st. So why don’t I?
• • • • •
This is a must watch and should be passed along to all of your readers. We just need to figure out how to get it to the national media and in front of every American. The truth is not being told and it’s time to change the facts!
(Name withheld by request)
Click HERE to watch this controversial video featuring Political Science Professor Carol Swain of Vanderbilt University. In my opinion, presuming the professor's points are correct, there is no way the national media would acknowledge the contents of the video. In fact, the media would likely go out of its way to keep it from the public. However, the video was posted in May of this year and has already received over 1.5 million views. So is she correct? The professor makes far too many points for us to vet each and every one. If any of you want to take on that task and provide us with the results, we’ll be happy to pass them along to the rest of the readers.
TOOK SOME WORK, BUT ALL HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED
We received so many queries regarding the 1966 Academy Class photo below that we decided to take the time and I.D. everyone. Carm Grande provided us with everyone’s name but one, and we had to make several email queries before we managed to determine that #16 was John Reikes. He left to join the FBI after a relatively short stint with the SJPD. For those of you who were wondering who was who, here are their names. (D = deceased)
THIS IS YOUR INVITATION TO THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS BARBECUE
The Vice/Intel/Gaming Unit is hosting a barbecue at the POA Hall that is open to all current and former members of the SJPD and support staff. The cost is free thanks to the Vice and Intel alumni who are chipping in to cover the tab. Please RSVP using the address noted on the flyer so they can get an idea of how many are coming. Questions can be directed to Dan below…
Dan Anderson <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Work 408-277-4041 Cell: 408-569-4850
SIGN UP NOW FOR THE 10th ANNUAL CHAPLAINCY GOLF TOURNAMENT
Register online at <www.sjpoa.com>
or at the SJPOA Office
HAVE A LOOK...
(COMMUNIST) WORKERS WORLD PARTY INVOLVED IN PROTESTS
Durham Protester Charged in Confederate Statue Vandalism
WRAL.com — Durham, NC
August 15, 2017
Durham, N.C. — A North Carolina Central University student was arrested Tuesday in connection with a Monday night protest in which a Confederate statue in front of Durham County's former courthouse was pulled down.
Takiyah Fatima Thompson, 22, was charged with participation in a riot with property damage in excess of $1,500 and inciting others to riot where property damage exceeds $1,500, both felonies, as well as damage to real property and disorderly conduct by injury to a statue, both misdemeanors.
Thompson used a ladder to scale the podium on which the Confederate Soldiers Monument had stood since 1924, then climbed the statue and wrapped a strap around it so other protesters could pull it down.
Thompson was given $10,000 unsecured bond and is scheduled to appear in court Wednesday morning.
Durham County Sheriff Mike Andrews said Tuesday that his deputies were working to identify others involved in the incident and plan to pursue felony charges against them.
"Let me be clear, no one is getting away with what happened. We will find the people responsible," Andrews said during an afternoon news conference. "We can all agree yesterday went too far. Yesterday was not the Durham that I know."
Some protest organizers defended their actions Tuesday, calling the monument a symbol of oppression and racism.
"I'm tired of white supremacy keeping its foot on my neck and the necks of people who look like me," Thompson said at a separate news conference. "That statue glorifies the conditions that oppressed people live in, and it had to go.
Thompson and several other protesters said they are part of the Durham chapter of the (communist) Workers World Party. According to their website, they are a"revolutionary socialist organization, engaging in struggles for the working class and the oppressed".
"We know that after Charlottesville and all of the racist incidents beforehand, all of the police killings, we are at war. This is war," said Loan Tran with the Workers World Party.
Click HERE for the local news report and the arrest. (3:10)
~ ~ ~
There is more to this story as well as several more photos and videos. Click HERE to access the site.
NOW GEORGE WASHINGTON AND THOMAS JEFFERSON STATUES NEED TO GO
Then we can go through the entire nation and change the names of all the elementary and high schools with the names of Washington and Jefferson. Next the government will have to recall all of the $1, $2, $50 and $100 bills because they have photos of former slave owners on their face. And let's not even talk about the American coins bearing the images of Washington and Jefferson. When and where is this nonsense going to stop?
Commentator: Washington, Jefferson Statues ‘Need to Come Down’
By Katelyn Caralle
CNN — August 17, 2017
Click HERE to watch the video.
CNN political commentator Angela Rye said Thursday that statues and monuments to two of America's most prominent Founding Fathers, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, "need to come down."
CNN host Kate Bolduan asked Rye if the country's ongoing discussion about race and white supremacy, spurred by the violence in Charlottesville Va. last weekend, is really about Confederate statues and monuments.
Rye, a former executive director of the Congressional Black Caucus, said the problem is people are taught American history incorrectly, because they are only told about the "glories" of the country's past, not darker issues like racism.
She added that because George Washington and other great American historical figures owned slaves, they deserved to be called out and recognized not for their accomplishments, but for their title of "slave owner."
"George Washington was a slave owner, and we need to call slave owners out for what they are, whether we think they were protecting American freedom or not," Rye said. "He wasn't protecting my freedom. My ancestors weren't deemed human beings to him."
"So to me, I don't care if it's a George Washington statue or a Thomas Jefferson statue or a Robert E. Lee statue. They all need to come down," Rye said.
Rye added that Americans need to teach other about these figures "so we do not repeat [history], because we are very close to repeating it right now."
Her comments came amid a heated national debate on whether Confederate statues and monuments should be removed or kept intact to preserve part of the country's history and culture.
Another member of the CNN panel on Thursday, Daily Beast editor in chief John Avlon, cut off Rye and told her that she was feeding into the White House's talking points regarding the violence in Charlottesville.
"Yeah, Angela, you've got a problem here," Avlon interjected.
"I'm not finished, John," Rye said.
"You're feeding into Steve Bannon and Trump's talking points," Avlon continued.
"No, no, no. But I'm not, but I'm not, but I'm not, John," Rye said, speaking over Avlon.
"And I'm gonna finish my point," she said. "I'm not feeding into white supremacy; I'm calling out white supremacy for what it is. And sometimes what it is, John, are blind spots. Sometimes what it is, is not acknowledging that this country was built upon a very violent past that resulted in death, and the raping, and the killing of my ancestors."
Rye said she was not going to make a distinction between George Washington and Robert E. Lee.
"So I'm not going to allow us to say it's OK for a Robert E. Lee but not a George Washington [statue]," Rye said. "We need to call it what it is."
"But I'm not giving any deference to George Washington or Robert E. Lee," she added.
CAN YOU REALLY RENT DEMONSTRATORS FOR A PROTEST?
(This is an addendum to a Mail Call letter on the same subject.)
A handful of readers sent us links to sites claiming that protestors were hired to demonstrate in Charlottesville, Durham, Phoenix and other protest sites. We tried vetting the claim through our usual sources (Snopes, TruthOrFiction, PolitiFact, etc.) but met with negative results. If, however, we were willing to accept that little-known websites were factual — which they almost always are NOT — we were able to find tons of them by performing a Google search for “rent a mob” and/or “rent a protestor.” Most of these claim that CraigsList is the source for these "pay jobs." And assuming it’s legit, here’s one if you are looking for work as a paid demonstrator:
Below are two examples of sites we found that talk about renting protestors. There are many, many others
LET’S HOPE THE COPS' LAWSUIT EMPTIES SEATTLE’S COFFERS
This item from Blue Lives Matter that caught our eye confirmed that Seattle’s City Council is just as liberal as San Francisco’s, and that’s saying a lot!
City Councilmember Kshama Sawant
Calls Two Officers ‘Racist Murders,’ So They Sue
By Blue Lives Matters — August 22, 2017
Seattle City Councilmember Kshama Sawant
is being sued by two Seattle police officers
after she repeatedly called them murderers.
Seattle, WA – Two Seattle Police Officers are suing city councilmember Kshama Sawant after she publicly called them “racist murderers” after they were forced to shoot Che Taylor in 2016, according to the lawsuit.
The lawsuit, reported by Safe Seattle, states that in addition to calling the officers murderers, she also said that the shooting was the result of “racial profiling” despite overwhelming evidence that this was not the case.
Not only did Kshama Sawant continue to call the officers racist murders through their inquest hearing, denying them a fair hearing, but even after the officers were cleared in the shooting she continued to defame the officers.
To make matters worse, the officers requested a retraction from Sawant and she refused to even give them the courtesy of a response.
The shooting occurred in February 2016 when Officer Michael Spaulding and Detective Scott Miller were called to serve a high-risk warrant on Che Taylor.
Taylor had just been released from a 23-year sentence for a home invasion and rape, and was the active suspect in a murder where the victim had been beaten to death with a hammer.
The officers located Taylor, who was carrying a visible gun on his hip, which itself was a crime due to his criminal history.
The officers called for backup and stayed hidden while Taylor tried to pimp out a female in a trailer park.
The arrest team arrived and moved to take down Taylor, who at first appeared to be complying. Then he knelt down and drew his gun, forcing officers to fatally shoot him.
The shooting was captured on dash camera, but Taylor was not visible once he ducked beside his car and the moment he drew his gun was not captured on camera.
Around five days after the shooting, while it was still under investigation, Kshama Sawant appeared before the media implying that she had special inside information on the shooting and declared it to be a “brutal murder” as a product of “racial profiling.”
The officers were cleared of any wrongdoing at a jury inquest hearing.
The lawsuit filed against Sawant on August 18th requests monetary damages, attorney fees, and other relief as deemed proper by the court.
Kshama Sawant was not immediately available for comment because she is in Washington D.C. working to help form a “third political party” of socialists led by Bernie Sanders, which they plan to call the “National People’s Party.”
There’s not a lot to the video, but you can see it by clicking HERE (1:00
I was a little curious about this woman so I did some digging. Wikipedia describes the 43-year-old as an American socialist politician and member of Socialist Alternative who sits on the Seattle City Council. A former software engineer, Sawant became a part-time economics instructor in Seattle after immigrating to the United States from India. She ran unsuccessfully for the Washington House of Representatives before winning her seat on the Seattle City Council. Sawant was the first socialist to win a city-wide election in Seattle since Anna Louise Strong was elected to the School Board in 1916.
Sawant was born in Pune, India, to a Hindu middle-class family. Her mother is a retired principal and her father, a civil engineer, was killed by a drunk driver when Sawant was 13. Sawant's observations of poverty in her native country and her unhappiness with the Indian caste system helped shape her political views before her adoption of socialism. She moved to Seattle in 2006 and became a U.S. citizen in 2010. Before running for office, Sawant received attention as an organizer in the local Occupy movement.
More about the socialist can be read by clicking HERE.
And a more detailed story about this case can be read in THIS Seattle Times article.
If you want to hear her in her own words prior to her being elected to office, THIS 2013 clip from MSNBC will certainly tell you where she is coming from. Don’t sell her short; she seems to have lots of political savvy.
WHAT HAS AMERICA BECOME IS A GOOD QUESTION NOT EASILY ANSWERED
This letter to the editor that was originally published on June 9, 2010 is making the rounds again, which isn’t a surprise given today’s political climate. Ken Huber, the author, had a lengthy background in local government and was city manager of a number of municipalities in Michigan from the early 1970s until his retirement in 2006.
Has America Become?
by Ken Huber
Has America become the land of the special interest and home of the double standard?
Lets see: if we lie to the Congress, it’s a felony and if the Congress lies to us its just politics; if we dislike a black person, we’re racist and if a black dislikes whites, it’s their First Amendment right; the government spends millions to rehabilitate criminals and they do almost nothing for the victims; in public schools you can teach that homosexuality is OK, but you better not use the word God in the process; you can kill an unborn child, but it is wrong to execute a mass murderer; we don’t burn books in America, we now rewrite them; we got rid of the communist and the Socialist threat by renaming them progressives; we are unable to close our border with Mexico but have no problem protecting the 38th parallel in Korea; if you protest against President Obama’s policies you’re a terrorist but if you burned an American flag or George Bush in effigy it was your First Amendment right.
You can have pornography on TV or the Internet, but you better not put a nativity scene in a public park during Christmas; we have eliminated all criminals in America, they are now called sick people; we can use a human fetus for medical research but it’s wrong to use an animal.
We take money from those who work hard for it and give it to those who don’t want to work; we all support the Constitution, but only when it supports our political ideology; we still have freedom of speech, but only if we are being politically correct; parenting has been replaced with Ritalin and video games; the land of opportunity is now the land of handouts; the similarity between Hurricane Katrina and the Gulf Oil spill is that neither president did anything to help.
And how do we handle a major crisis today? The government appoints a committee to determine who’s at fault, then threatens them, passes a law, raises our taxes; tells us the problem is solved so they can get back to their re-election campaign.
What has happened to the land of the free and the home of the brave?
As it turns out, Ken Huber, the author of the editorial, has a lengthy background in local government. He was city manager of a number of municipalities in Michigan from the early 1970s until his retirement in 2006, according to PressPubs.com.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
Better write it down…
Received from Bruce Morton
A couple in their 90s were both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but that they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair.
“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asked his wife.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Don’t you think you should write it down?” she asked.
“No,” I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write that down so you won’t forget” she replied.
“I can remember that,” he said. “You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top.”
“I’d also like some whipped cream on top of the strawberries,” she said. “I’m certain you will forget, so write it down.”
Irritated, the husband said, “I don’t need to write it down. I can remember it. You want ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top. I’ve got it for goodness sake.” Then he toddled off to the kitchen.
About 20 minutes later he returned from the kitchen and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment, then said, “Where’s my toast?”
• • • • •
The same elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The elderly husband said to the other husband, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant that we really liked, and I would recommend it highly.”
The other husband asked, “What was the name of the restaurant?”
The elderly husband thought and thought and finally said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know the one. It’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one.” He then turned to the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
• • • • •
This item is about as old as the Internet itself, but the odds are many of you have forgotten it or have never seen it…
High school students were asked to write papers using analogies and metaphors. Here are some examples of what they came up with...
* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
* Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
* He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
* Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
* Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
* The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
* It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
* Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
* She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
GIVE ORWELL CREDIT, BY 2024 WE WILL FIND HE WAS ONLY OFF BY FORTY YEARS...
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
Aug. 15 — 22
(Missing dates were summer repeats)
Aug. 15: Well, President Trump arrived in New York last night, and actually slept in Trump Tower. Yeah, when Trump asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his poll numbers.
Kim Jong Un says he's decided not to fire missiles at Guam. Then Trump said, “You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing?”
There’s some nasty weather moving up the East Coast right now, known as Tropical Storm Gert. When they heard, people named Gert were like, “Oh, come on, my life’s bad enough as it is!”
Costco has to pay Tiffany’s $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. “I’ve got bad news and worse news...”
I read about a 98-year-old woman and a 94-year-old man here in New York who just got married. And if you want to get them a gift… hurry!
A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them.
Aug. 16: Yesterday, President Trump gave a big press conference on the subject of infrastructure. And all he had to do was stop right there. Just. Stop. Talking. For five minutes, just stop talking!
And mind you — this is him on vacation! He can't even get VACATION right. Imagine coming back to the office — "Hey, how was your two-week break?" "It was good — I defended Nazis. What'd you do?"
I guess this morning, Trump went to the Trump Tower Lost & Found looking for his mind. “I lost it yesterday afternoon.”
I’m starting to miss the old days when we were on the verge of nuclear war with North Korea.
I read that New York City could host the World Cup in 2026. That’s right, thousands of people trying not to use their hands — or as that's called in New York, "riding the subway."
The Connecticut lottery's mobile app malfunctioned this weekend and told some lottery winners they had lost. When instead, they should have been told, “You have a lottery app on your phone — get help.”
Aug. 17: I saw that a life-sized statue of President Trump was just installed on a park bench here in New York. Even pigeons were like, “I’m gonna take my business elsewhere.”
Speaking of statues, did you see this today? The president tweeted that removing Confederate statues takes beauty out of our parks that can never be replaced. Then he said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cut down a bunch of trees to build a hotel and golf course.”
The dating site OkCupid is banning white supremacists. So, white supremacists will have to look for love where they usually do — family reunions.
Twenty-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has been accepted to Oxford University. When she puts her Nobel Prize on the shelf, her roommate will quietly put away all her youth soccer trophies.
You know the band Belle and Sebastian? Well, they accidentally left the drummer behind at a Walmart in his pajamas, with no phone or wallet. So they called Walmart to see if there was a guy wandering around in his PJs with no phone or wallet, and Walmart said, “You gotta be WAY more specific.”
Aug. 15: In an impromptu press conference, President Trump said, "The hate and the division must stop." For a minute, the crowd got excited, because they thought Trump was resigning.
In the press conference, President Trump said that Steve Bannon was a good friend and not a racist. Then he said, "Oops, I meant to say, 'a good racist, and not a friend.'"
In his press conference, President Trump referred to the neo-Nazis as "history buffs." Then he referred to serial killers as "population control experts."
Google has banned the neo-Nazi website The Daily Stormer from its site. So now if you want to search for hate groups on the Internet, you’re completely out of luck!
A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason.
Aug. 16: Last night, the city of Baltimore removed four statues of Confederate heroes. Or, as Fox News reported it, "Baltimore liberals force pigeons from their homes."
The Trump administration named a new interim communications director and her name is Hope Hicks. So, apparently now they’re on the H’s.
President Trump dissolved his [manufacturing] advisory council because a bunch of CEOs dropped out. Trump said they didn’t "take their job seriously." Trump then went back to golfing and retweeting memes while sitting on the toilet.
As you probably all heard, North Korea has backed off its threat to launch a nuclear missile at Guam. So now the title of "Crazy Tyrant Most Likely to Destroy America" returns to defending champion, Donald Trump!
In Washington, D.C., yesterday, vandals spray-painted graffiti on the Lincoln Memorial. Historians are calling it the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln.
Today, all McDonald's in Canada are offering 67-cent burgers — as if Americans need yet another reason to move to Canada.
Aug. 17: Some white supremacists are now upset because they’re taking DNA tests and discovering they’re part black. And you know who’s even more upset? Their black ancestors.
President Trump said that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s choice to not attack Guam was a “wise and well-reasoned decision.” Trump said, “Someday I’m gonna make one of those.”
In a tweet this morning, President Trump called Confederate statues “beautiful.” People were shocked because it’s the first time Trump has complimented anything that’s over 40 years old.
President Trump tweeted this morning that he’s “sad” over the removal of our “beautiful statues.” Of course, Trump may just be sticking up for his fellow bronze-colored symbols of hate.
The American Cancer Society has decided not to host its charity event at Trump’s resort, Mar-a-Lago. You know it’s not a good sign for Trump when he’s considered too toxic for cancer.
Hillary Clinton is coming out with a book called “What Happened.” Out of habit, Bill Clinton immediately came out with his own book called “Baby, I Can Explain.”
Aug. 22: Mark Wahlberg has been named 2017’s highest-paid male actor. Today, Mark said, "I don’t know why either."
There were a lot of protestors at a rally today in Phoenix attended by President Trump and Vice President Pence. Things got awkward when it turned out that the "Impeach Trump" chants were being led by Mike Pence.
Before announcing his decision on Afghanistan, President Trump was said to have made a 'rigorous' review of the issue. Yes, Trump said, "I must have read at least four tweets about it!"
In his speech on Afghanistan, President Trump said, "Attack we will." Then Trump introduced his new military strategist: General Mad Dog Yoda.
There's a new beer coming out that contains marijuana. Unfortunately, the inventor cannot for the life of him remember how he made it.
India has outlawed its long, long practice of "instant divorce." However, India will still continue to offer its popular "Cool Ranch Divorce."
Arby's is celebrating the "Game of Thrones" season finale by offering its customers a giant turkey leg. It’s all part of their "Game of Thrones" tie-in, "Diarrhea is Coming."
Aug. 15: Remember yesterday, when Donald Trump came out very clearly against the white supremacists that marched in Charlottesville, Virginia? And we were like, it took too long for him to say it, but at least he said it. Finally got it out. Well, today you'll be pleased to know he totally reversed his statement and said there's blame on "both sides."
Blame on both sides. I agree with him, there was blame on both the white supremacist side and on the Nazi side.
Trump's the guy that walks out of "Star Wars" thinking they didn't have to blow up the Death Star.
Now, today, this wasn't even supposed to be about Charlottesville. Apparently, Trump went off script and improvised all of these remarks during a press conference about infrastructure, which is terrible because I'm pretty sure the first rule of infrastructure is whatever you do, don't burn bridges.
Standing next to Trump was Elaine Chao, Trump's secretary of Transportation. Which is good, because right now she's looking for the fastest possible way to transport herself out of there.
If you don't think Trump's statements are racist, you should at least know that racists are happy he made them. Immediately following Trump's speech, former KKK leader David Duke thanked Trump for his "honesty and courage." Well, there's a thank-you note you don't hang on your refrigerator.
David Duke was so grateful he even sent Trump one of those "hate-able arrangements."
Aug. 16: Let's start off with some good news. Donald Trump did not have a press conference today.
But, today Donald Trump completely disbanded his manufacturing council after eight members quit in 48 hours. The way these CEOs are leaving Trump, you'd think they were married to him.
Forget creating new manufacturing jobs in this country. Trump can't even manufacture manufacturing councils.
The CEOs of Intel and Under Armour both resigned. Which means, somehow, Donald Trump figured out a way to lose the nerds and the jocks at the same time.
The CEO of the company 3M also resigned, and when Donald Trump asked why, they said that 3M doesn't want to be associated with three K’s.
Aug. 17: This morning, on Twitter, Donald Trump complained about Confederate statues being taken down, saying that our country is being ripped apart by the removal of these beautiful Confederate monuments. “Beautiful Confederate monuments” — or as pigeons call them, “toilets.”
Trump thinks these 100-year-old Confederate monuments are beautiful. Which is weird. Usually Trump doesn’t call anything beautiful if it’s over 30 years old.
“There’s literally no difference between Robert E. Lee and George Washington” — that’s a quote from Donald Trump. Literally no difference, except there’s literally a difference, like literally their names are different. You literally don’t know what literally means.
Aug. 15: President Donald Trump was supposed to hold a press conference about infrastructure, and it ended with our president making an angry and passionate defense of white supremacists. I don't know who decided it would be a good idea to send him out there to talk to reporters today. But whoever did obviously misread his state of mind and the mood in this country right now.
I feel like I can say this with reasonable certainty: The president is completely unhinged. The wheels are off the wagon and hurtling toward the moon right now.
Everybody's been asking, you think Trump's going to last four years? I'm wondering now if any of us are going to last four years. I haven't screamed at my TV this much since McDreamy died.
The only person who's happy right now is Sean Spicer. He's doing backflips, wherever he is.
Aug. 16: We are enjoying a little bit of calm after a storm named Hurricane Donald ravaged much of the country yesterday.
The effects are still being felt and talked about. I don't know about you, but I feel like this is the only thing anyone talks about. Trump and maybe "Game of Thrones."
And "Game of Thrones" only has two episodes left. So, we're kind of screwed when that goes.
Aug. 17: The jackpot is up, an enormous sum. Playing the Powerball is a great way to spend quality time with strangers outside gas stations.
If you win and decide to take the money in a lump sum, $324 million before taxes. And I’m not an expert on finances, but you should take the lump sum. The way things are going right now, you may not make it to your second installment.
President Trump is having a historically bad week, which he kept going strong with a string of combative tweets this morning. He makes one good point. If we’re going to start taking down every monument that pays tribute to racists, we should probably take down every building with the name “Trump” on it.
I love how he’s trying to pretend these white supremacists are art lovers and historical preservationists. “Grab your tiki torch and swastika, Bob, they’re trying to take our sculptures away.” He knows we’re not building one for him, right?
Meanwhile, the vice president, Mike Pence, cut his trip to Central America short to come back to Washington with all this going on. He was in the White House today measuring the drapes.
We haven’t heard much about Russia lately, but this is interesting. They did an international survey, and most countries now have more confidence in Vladimir Putin than Donald Trump. Out of 37 countries, 22 of them said they have more faith in Putin. Other countries are now watching “Rocky IV” and hoping Drago wins.
Only 5 percent of Mexicans say they trust Trump, which still seems like a lot. That’s like 5 percent of Smurfs trusting Gargamel.
Some schools are giving kids an Eclipse Day, a day off, because they’re worried teachers might not be able to protect their eyes. These kids haven’t looked up from their phones since January.
Aug. 15: President Trump last night made his first visit to Manhattan since his inauguration. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton visited three Manhattans and a Bud Light.
In a new interview, former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said that he recently realized his signature sunglasses were made for women. Not only that, but his suit is actually a child’s Halloween costume.
Airbnb is reportedly permanently banning white supremacists from making reservations on the site, because they keep cutting eyeholes in their hosts’ sheets.
An Alabama woman missing for nearly a month said she was able to survive in the woods on mushrooms. Said officials, “Ma’am, you were out there for 45 minutes.”
Taco Bell has announced that it will soon launch the Naked Egg Taco, a breakfast taco that uses a fried egg as its shell. Coincidentally, “Naked Egg” is also your body type if you eat breakfast at Taco Bell.
Aug. 16: While President Trump fielded questions yesterday about Charlottesville, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen staring at the ground with his arms crossed. And after hearing the press conference, so was the Statue of Liberty.
When asked yesterday about his confidence in chief adviser and accused white nationalist Steve Bannon, President Trump said, “We’ll see what happens.” This is how much Trump cares about ratings — he ended a press conference on a cliffhanger. “Will Steve Bannon lose his job? Will Mike Pence and his wife finally go all the way? Find out tomorrow on ‘As the World Burns’!”
The studio behind the "Hunger Games" movies announced that it will be opening a theme park in South Korea dedicated to the films. They’re calling it “North Korea.”
Aug. 17: Axios today published a list of groups that President Trump has alienated during his first seven months of office. And now the world is out of paper.
In a new interview, Kim Kardashian revealed that she did karaoke with former President Obama. Said Obama, “That was just the National Anthem…”
A man in Texas accused of having sex with a chain link fence failed to appear in court last week and is now on the run from police. Which is weird because it sounds like he would have a great time in the prison yard.
A song which consists of nearly 10 minutes of silence has made it to the top 50 purchases on the iTunes charts. Said Mike Pence, “This rocks!”
Today was National Thrift Shop Day. And to celebrate, our president is 99 percent off.
Aug. 16: I'm still recovering from President Trump's kamikaze press conference yesterday, where Donald let Donald be Donald — the consequences and our country be damned. It was truly one for the ages — specifically, 1939 to 1945.
Last Saturday, Nazis and the KKK provoked violence in Charlottesville, Virginia. That's what they wanted. That's why they went there. After a Nazi killed a young woman named Heather Heyer, Donald Trump made a statement and improvised during the statement, that there was violence on "many sides, many sides." And people were upset — other than Nazis. Nazis liked it.
So, Chief of Staff John Kelly pressed Trump to make another public statement. Grudgingly, Mr. Trump agreed. "OK, I'll say Nazis are bad, but you can't make me mean it. OK? Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. I call Nazi backsies."
OH NO, NOT AGAIN!
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for the most current update.
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We haven’t a clue where this took place. All we know is that the officer survived and that the SUSPECT was captured thanks to the officer’s body cam and convicted of attempted murder. One has to wonder how many cops who thought they might die were heard to say, “Tell my family I love them?” (2:34)
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We are trying to identify the Phoenix cop who shot this protestor in the groin with a pepper ball after he kicked a tear gas canister back at the police. Why? Because we want to send the officer an Attaboy Letter for outstanding marksmanship! P.S. If you receive a slight rush of adrenalin because this clip reminds you of the campus riots of the late 1960s, don’t feel guilty. It just means you are STILL a cop at heart and always will be! (1:04)
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This should suffice as proof of political correctness running amok. It’s about an Asian ESPN sports announcer named Robert Lee who was pulled from announcing a UVA game for fear his NAME would upset some fans. (4:30)
Note the nearly identical appearance between Robert Lee and Robert E. Lee…
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Had I known the guys in the Air Force would someday have this much fun I might have stayed and done 20. But that would have put me BACK onto the streets of civilian life in 1984 at the age of 40, so I said forget it. The PD was a much better deal and almost as much fun. (4:03)
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Or I could have joined the Navy instead and asked to be trained as a “SHOOTER” on a carrier. Looks like that they can have fun, too. (4:58)
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This is Sal Valentinetti, a Long Islander with a heavy New Yawk accent who delivers pizza for his cousin for a living. He is also a kick in the butt. His stereotypical Italian family thinks he can sing. The question is, can he? WATCH his performance on America’s Got Talent and see for yourself. (9:04)
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Be still our heart! Here is one of those occurrences that is almost as rare as a total solar eclipse. Click HERE to watch liberals get roasted on Saturday Night Live, courtesy of Don Hale. (4:50)
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If you are a Trump supporter you are going to want to see “Brave Heart the Sequel” when it is released. As you watch THIS sneak preview, see how many faces you recognize. (1:17)
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Diamond and Silk are back, and they are pissed about the statue issue and the Black leaders. Have a LISTEN. (4:33)
Are the girls being treated unfairly by YouTube (owned by Google) because of their support for Trump and their conservative views? Sounds like it based on THIS interview.
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Baseball fans at Dodger Stadium received a special treat when flight attendants from Emirates Airline showed off their signaling skills. And unlike President Obama, who threw out the first pitch several years ago at a World Series game, THIS flight attendant did it and nailed it. (1:54)
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Feeling down? Here's a cure that is far safer, more effective and faster than any drug, exercise or counseling session. Just watch the first few minutes of this video, then step back and look at who you are, where you are and your station in life. We GUARANTEE you will feel refreshed and revitalized, although some of you may feel an inkling of guilt as a side effect. (16:08)
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Ouch! You know this is going to leave a mark. But despite what it may look like, he survived after a period of unconsciousness and went home from the hospital with just a major league headache. He should also take THIS as a sign that today wasn't a good day to buy a lottery ticket. (0:21)
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The thing with reporting live on the street or in the studio is you never know who is going to Photo Bomb you or what they are going to say or do. Here are some EXAMPLES of what we’re talking about: (11:34)
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If you are looking for proof that some people are insane, look no further. We have all the evidence you need right here with THIS clip of some Darwin Award candidates. If you are subject to acrophobia, however, you may want to skip this. (7:36)
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Any of you remember the remarkable stunts Super Dave Osborn used to perform on the Showtime channel called Bizarre? He was absolutely amazing! Watch THIS: (5:22)
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If you are planning to buy and raise some chickens, pay a little extra and get yourself some smart ones, not like THIS hen. If you don’t you’ll go broke buying bread for the dumb bird! (1:39)
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Uh oh. Is Bonedigger the Lion thinking about having a couple of hot dogs for lunch? Click HERE to find out. (3:04
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This week’s story: Challenging RESCUE by Hope for Paws near the Los Angeles International Airport. (6:21)
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This gal would make a great interrogator. WATCH how quickly she solves the case of the missing cookie. (2:42)
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What’s this nonsense about sharks being dangerous? Truth be told, they love to be petted just like dogs. That’s the title of THIS clip anyway. (1:52)
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This is interesting drone footage of the Glory Hole Spillway at Lake Berryessa when the level was one foot above normal. But first a note about the accompanying sound track: If you aren’t a big fan of the song “Highway to Hell,” turn DOWN the volume. (3:28)
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If you will watch this 90-second clip we guarantee it will brighten your day. (You can THANK us later.) (1:35)
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Thinking of moving out of California? Seems that many people are. But the population continues to increase because they are being replaced by more foreigners according to this KTVU special report. (4:52)
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Why would you want to watch this week’s closer about a guy named Chito who mows lawns? Because this Texas Country Reporter story Noe Longoria posted on Facebook is probably going to move you, maybe to the point where you are going to accept our challenge below. Click HERE for the story. (9:08)
Our challenge: I had a $20 bill in my wallet that I felt could be put to better use by Chito and his Mom, and when I went to the GoFundMe site below that his friends in Del Rio established and saw that it was a few thousand dollars short of its $10K goal, I decided to help. The satisfaction of knowing it might make life for Chito and his Mom a little easier was worth $20. Can you spare a twenty, a ten or even a five? Click on the link below if you can.
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Pic of the Week
Leroy and I are offended by this statue and we demand
that it and those like it be destroyed immediately!
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 8/24/17
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Abram, Fred & Connie
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Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
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Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
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Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve