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publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association's Board of Directors or its membership.
WILLIAM H “BILL” KEENEY
(L-R) Brian Bennert, Rich Gurley and Bill Keeney, circa 1978
(Photo taken at Ivan Comelli’s home in Scotts Valley)
Born Oct. 15, 1928 (89)
Appointed Oct. 1955
Retired March 15, 1980
Died May 23, 2017
It wasn’t easy tracking down information on the passing of Bill Keeney. His death was first brought to our attention by Toni Miller late last week after she spotted a one-line item about Bill’s passing in the Retiree Association’s “Billy & Spanner” newsletter and asked if we were aware of his passing since it hadn’t been in the Farsider? The one-line notice stated that Bill had passed away on May 23rd, nothing more.
The badge listing at the back of the 1983 Commemorative Album told us that Bill’s was 1214. Police Personnel provided us with his dates of appointment and retirement, but all other information on file was considered privileged and not available for release. After sending emails requesting any information about Bill to a half dozen “old timers” I frequently use to source information, two of them stated that after Bill’s retirement, he moved north to the Chico-Yuba City area where he grew Kiwis. An hour was spent checking the obits of a few dozen Northern California newspapers to see if there was one for Bill dating back to May 23rd. No luck.
A first lengthy Google second failed to provide any solid info. But a second Google search on Bill’s name the following day turned up a listing on a White Pages website for a Bill H. Keeney with addresses in Chico, San Jose and Saratoga. Eureka! We found him. Knowing that Bill’s wife’s name was Beverly, we placed a call to the number listed and an answering machine picked up: “This is Bill and Bev Keeney. Please leave a message.” We did, and we're hoping Bev will call us so we can obtain information about his passing, if there was an obit, manner of death, etc. So far, Bev — if she is still alive — hasn’t returned our call.
Thanks to Bob Moir, David Byers, Bruce Morton, Carm Grande, and Billy & Spanner Editor Dustin DeRolo for providing us with information that led to this entry. Also to Larry Otter, who supplied Bill’s DOB, and to Ivan Comelli, who created the “Vintage San Jose Police” page on Facebook. He provided us with the photo above of Brian Bennert, Rich Gurley and Bill Keeney.
Bruce Morton on Motor Officer Bill Keeney: I could tell stories about Bill until the cows come home. For some reason he developed a rather harsh dislike of the kids who went to Mitty High. He referred to them as "Mitty pukes" and every day that school was in session he was out there doing his best to write 5 or 6 "movers" while the kids were going to school. He made them some of the most well behaved kids in town on school days. Another time he was coming to work in his ’62 Cadillac DeVille down 280 which had not yet opened. He was doing about 75 when he spotted a large pile of construction debris piled up in the road ahead. Too late! He hit it and tore out the entire undercarriage of his car. Regarding his agricultural endeavors, he was growing kiwis up in the Redding/Red Bluff area. Seems he later had his fill of that activity and for years, every time you saw him he would lament long and loud about those "damned kiwis” — often in a much more colorful language. God bless him though. He was a true "character" who always kept us laughing.
David Byers on Bill Keeney: I will never forget Bill. When I was being trained on Motors for the first time by Walt Faron, he suggested we go out to Saratoga and Prospect and see how a motor cop directs traffic. We snuck up so Bill wouldn't see us, and let me tell you that we laughed our butts off. Bill was one of a kind. There are lots of stories about Bill Keeney. He was a good cop.
SERVICE SCHEDULED FOR JOYCE SAMSEL
Dave Samsel reports that a Memorial Service for Joyce has been scheduled for Saturday, Aug. 26, from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. at the Woodcreek Golf Course in Roseville. Dave’s email address is <email@example.com> for any questions.
5880 Woodcreek Oaks Blvd.
Roseville, CA 95747
Click HERE too view a map.
RETIRED S/O CAPT. RICHARD SALDIVAR
Some of you may have crossed paths with Richard Saldivar of the Santa Clara Co. S/O (he and I worked the Main Jail together in the late 1960s). His obit appeared in the Mercury News earlier this week and I thought I'd include it for those of you who knew and/or worked a case with him at some point in your career…
July 6, 1935 - July 31,2017 San Jose
Richard Saldivar, age 82, passed away at home on July 31, 2017. He was born and raised in San Diego and served in the US Air Force before marrying Deanna Renee Saldivar on January 30, 1960. Richard joined the San Diego Police Department in 1960. In 1967 he moved his family to San Jose and joined the Santa Clara County Sheriff’s Department. He retired at the rank of Captain in 1991. He was a man of integrity and honor and will be missed by all who knew him. Richard is survived by his son, Douglas Saldivar of Great Falls, MT; his son and daughter-in-law, David and Rita Saldivar of Chapin, SC; his daughter and son-in-law, Lora and Jim Messina of San Jose, CA; his sister, Gloria Contreras of Chula Vista, CA; grandchildren Nicholas, Raina, Heather, and Christopher; and many extended family members in the San Diego area. Private services will be held in San Diego, CA.
August 2017 eVanguard is now online. Hard copies of
the magazine should be arriving in the mail soon.
Click HERE, then on the image of the Vanguard to download the newsletter to your desktop.
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
Nothing to report this week.
Enjoyed the video clip of Garth Brooks in the recent Farsider. It reminded me of a concert of his in San Jose in 1990 at the Saddlerack country nightclub at Meridian & Auzerais. About a year before the concert, and before Garth really hit the big time, he signed a contract to appear at the Saddlerack and was intent on honoring the contract, even though he probably could have sold out Candlestick Park instead of playing in front of only a few hundred fans in San Jose.
My wife Cindy and I were able to attend that concert because of Bruce Unger. He had been working a pay job at the Saddlerack and was friends with Andy, the general manager. Bruce was able to score some tickets and invited us to join him and his party at Garth’s concert.
The day prior to the concert, Bruce's wife was the winning call to a local country radio station and won even more tickets, so everyone was excited.
Before Garth took the stage, he was hanging out with his band where all their tour buses were parked. TJ Boyle, who was working swing shift Beat Sam 1 opposite me, pulled up in our patrol car and was able to get Garth to autograph the roof. The inscription read, "To the chief of police. This is cool. Be safe. God Bless, Garth Brooks.”
As we entered the club, our party was able to get some fantastic seats center stage in the second row. We had to leave after the concert, but Bruce was able to meet with Garth and get several autographed photos of him for the gals in our party.
“To Cindy. Thanks and God Bless You. —Garth Brooks”
About a year later, Garth was giving an interview to US magazine and was asked to describe the strangest thing he ever autographed. He said it was a black and white police car, but no one believed him.
I don't think TJ or I washed that patrol car for several weeks.
Ron Webster <firstname.lastname@example.org>
• • • • •
I'm a retired NYPD lieutenant and author. I think some of your readers might be interested in my latest novel, “Manhattan.” (Please see a summary of the book below.)
May I ask that you include this info in your newsletter or pass this email on to those who you think might be interested in this novel?
Thanks in advance for your help and support.
Michael Grant, Author <email@example.com>
~ ~ ~
Summary: The novel “Manhattan,” a sequel to “In the Time of Famine,” is the continuing saga of Michael and Emily Ranahan’s life. The time is 1850. In fleeing the famine in Ireland to find a new life in the New World, they come ashore at New York City on an island called Manhattan, a chaotic, odoriferous city filled with rascals, ne’er’ do-wells, rapscallions, and corrupt politicians.
As they form their new life together they experience the horrors of the infamous Five Points, the challenge of “No Irish Need Apply” signs, the Great Panic of 1857, the frightful Civil War riots, and finally, the building of the Brooklyn Bridge.
Michael and Emily will experience all the joys and sorrows that a city like Manhattan can offer.
WE CAN I.D. SEVENTEEN. CAN YOU DO BETTER?
This is a March 1966 photo of several of our friends and former co-workers. For the most part, those who are still with us don't look all that bad considering they have been exposed to 51 years of weathering. In addition to Chief Ray Blackmore in the coat and tie behind the podium and the two Sharons, we were able to identify 17. Can you do better?
HERE’S A CHASE AND A SHOOTING MANY OF YOU WILL LOVE TO CRITIQUE
A video shows South Jersey cops firing 45 bullets at a suspect, killing him.
By Tom Davis — Patch Staff
Galloway Patch — July 25, 2017
Impatient? Then go ahead and watch the video by clicking HERE. Otherwise read the case first as it will give you a couple of clues about what to look for…
Footage from a police car dashcam was released this week showing police officers chasing then killing a man after firing 45 bullets on the Atlantic City streets.
The video was released Monday, two years after an Atlantic County grand jury declined to indict officers involved in the March 2014 police-involved shooting death of Antoquan T. Watson, 27, of Williamstown.
The video shows a 10-mile chase through several South Jersey communities, ending in Atlantic City where Watson, firing his own gun at police officers, was taken down.
"A nationally renowned expert on police use of force reviewed the evidence gathered during the course of the investigation, inspected the scene, and inspected all physical evidence," according to a statement from the Atlantic City Prosecutor's Office.
"This expert concluded that the use of force by police officers under these circumstances was lawful, and consistent with all applicable law enforcement guidelines and standard police training."
The chase happened on March 27, 2014, between 11:30 a.m. and noon, after Watson entered the La Escondida II Restaurant and Bar at 701 West Black Horse Pike in Pleasantville.
Watson went to the bar area of the establishment and ordered and drank two beers. He had been to the business on prior occasions and was recognized by employees there. Watson then attempted to pay for his beers with a credit card, which was refused by the issuer, according to the ACPO.
Watson then presented a second credit card, which was also refused. Ultimately, he paid for his drinks in cash. A waitress who had contact with Watson while he was at the bar said he appeared to be under the influence of alcohol and that he said that he was rich, according to the ACPO.
During the time that Watson was at the bar, there were at least 18-20 other patrons inside the establishment. One of them observed that Watson had a handgun on his person while he was at the counter paying his bill, the ACPO said. A number of other patrons told police they saw that Watson had a handgun in his right hand.
Watson did not point the handgun at anyone. Witnesses report that he had the gun pointed upward toward the ceiling. These observations are confirmed by video captured inside the restaurant, according to the ACPO.
In addition to making these visual observations, witnesses inside the restaurant said that Watson was muttering to himself while walking out of the restaurant, making such statements as, “I got this. I got this,” and “This is bull----.”
Once Watson was outside the restaurant, witnesses called the Pleasantville Police Department; dispatch records from the Pleasantville Police Department show the call from witnesses came in at 12:31 p.m. The first police unit arrived at the restaurant at 12:38 p.m., the ACPO said.
The first officer at the scene approached a black SUV in the restaurant’s parking lot while holding a department-issued shotgun, the ACPO said.
Watson, who was seated in the driver’s seat, ignored the officer’s directions to roll down the window and exit the car, the prosecutor said. Instead, Watson put the car in gear and pulled out of the parking lot on to the eastbound portion of the Black Horse Pike.
The Pleasantville officer then got into his marked police vehicle and began to pursue the vehicle. Other police vehicles from the Pleasantville Police Department joined in this pursuit, the ACPO said.
Watson drove his vehicle eastbound on the Black Horse Pike through Pleasantville and the West Atlantic City section of Egg Harbor Township into Atlantic City, reaching speeds between 50 and 85 miles per hour and running numerous red lights during the pursuit, authorities said. He eventually made a right turn off the Black Horse Pike on to West End Avenue in Atlantic City.
He then led police on a chase into the Ventnor Heights section of Ventnor City. He eventually turned his vehicle back on West End Avenue and proceeded back toward the Black Horse Pike. A marked Atlantic City police vehicle containing two Atlantic City police officers was stationary, blocking traffic at the intersection of West End Avenue and the Black Horse Pike, the ACPO said.
Watson then forced his vehicle through that intersection by ramming two cars. As he turned right on to Albany Avenue, he fired at least one round from his gun at the officers, the prosecutor said.
No police officer returned fire at that time, the ACPO said. After firing the round at the police officers, Watson proceeded over the Albany Avenue Bridge into Atlantic City. He then made an illegal left turn and proceeded through the casino district, toward the inlet section of Atlantic City.
Police officers from Pleasantville and Atlantic City continued their pursuit, the ACPO said.
Watson then collided with a car at an intersection. Watson’s vehicle skidded through the intersection, struck another car and came to rest across the double center line, half in the southbound and half in the northbound lanes of Atlantic Avenue, in a shopping and casino area known as “The Walk,” the ACPO said.
Watson got out of his car. As he did so, he held a handgun in his right hand, authorities said. As he was approached by one of the Pleasantville officers, who was giving him verbal commands to surrender, Watson raised his right hand and began firing the weapon in the direction of the officers.
A total of seven officers, three from Pleasantville and four from Atlantic City, fired their weapons at Watson. One Pleasantville officer fired four rounds from a shotgun as well as his department-issued handgun. The other six officers fired only their department-issued handguns.
During interviews conducted in the course of the investigation, a number of these officers said they feared Watson was wearing body armor due to the fact that he appeared to have sustained a number of gunshot wounds but was able to remain standing, the ACPO said.
An autopsy of the body was conducted on March 28 and March 29, 2014.
The autopsy revealed that he sustained a total of 45 gunshot wounds. The Medical Examiner concluded that the fatal wound was a gunshot to the top of the head that was received after Watson had fallen to the ground.
~ ~ ~
Click HERE, then scroll down if you want to review the readers’ comments about this case.
DIDN’T YOU USED TO HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENED?
Cop Shatters Window to Save Baby from Hot Car, then Realizes He Made a Terrible Mistake
By Heather Laskin — August 3, 2017
So Share This <https://sosharethis.com/>
We have heard way too many stories recently of negligent people leaving their children and pets locked in hot cars. As most of us are aware, the temperatures in cars on a hot day can quickly soar to unbearable heights, putting any living thing inside in grave danger. Yet somehow, despite the constant press and the potential consequences, people keep doing it.
That’s why when Lieutenant Jason Short got a call about a baby that had been left in a car on a hot day, he raced to the scene. When he got to the car, which was parked in a shopping plaza in Keene, New Hampshire, he looked inside and what he found left him sick – a blanket was draped over the car seat and two tiny feet were sticking out underneath.
Knowing the baby was in danger of heat stroke or even death, Short didn’t waste a second. Using his baton, he smashed open the window and pulled the baby out of the car seat. Fearing the baby was already dead, he called an ambulance.
A crowd gathered around as Short began to do CPR on the baby. Her skin was blotchy and pale and she wasn’t responding.
That’s when Short noticed that something seemed to be “off” about the baby. He put his finger into her mouth, and that’s when he realized what was going on.
The baby definitely wasn’t alive – it had never been in the first place. It was actually an incredibly realistic looking doll, called a “Reborn” doll.
Click HERE to view the video (1:04)
Shortly thereafter, the owner of the car and the doll, Carolynne Seiffert, walked out to the parking lot after getting her hair cut at the nearby Super Cuts. She was concerned when she saw the police cars and onlookers, then quickly turned angry when she noticed her smashed in window and her treasured doll in Lt. Short’s hands.
While Short said he is a bit embarrassed by the situation, he stands by his actions that day. At the time, he thought he was saving a child in danger.
“I would never assume that it’s a doll. I would always assume that it’s a child. I would never do anything different,” he said.
Seiffert purchased her doll for $2,300. The doll is incredibly life-like, weighs 10 pounds, 7 ounces, and wears real baby clothes. She said she got the doll – and another similar one – to help her cope after her son died.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. After the incident, the police department said they hope the situation reminds other people with “reborn” dolls to be responsible and use care and common sense when they are leaving the doll somewhere.
Thankfully, in the end, the only things hurt were a car window and an officer’s pride.
DO YOU KNOW THE MAIN INGREDIENT OF WD-40?
WD-40 (“Water Displacement #40”). Who knew?
The product began as a result of a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. It was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from a project where they searched for a ‘Water Displacement’ compound. Their 40th attempt was successful, thus the compound was named "WD-40."
The ‘Convair Company’ bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. And Ken East, one of the original founders, says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the ‘shower door’ part, try it. It’s the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as on glass. It’s a miracle!
Then try it on your stove-top. It’s now shinier than it’s ever been. You’ll be amazed.
Other WD-40 uses:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that ‘just-waxed’ sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps the flies off of cows, horses, and other farm critters.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens and lubricates stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic / terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on both home and vehicles doors.
18. It removes that nasty tar and scuff marks from the kitchen flooring. It doesn’t seem to harm the finish and you won’t have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Removes those nasty bug guts that will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly.
20. Gives a children’s playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gearshift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chair and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes grease splatters from stove-tops.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida’s favorite use is: ‘Cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.’
38. The favorite use in the state of New York, it protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it’s a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind, though, that using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing is not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. It is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray it on the marks and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you’ve discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you spray it inside a wet distributor cap, it will displace the moisture, allowing the engine to start.
P.S. As for WD-40's basic main ingredient: it’s Fish Oil.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
Irish Hunting Trip
From Jim Silvers
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip and chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week so they could hunt moose. They managed to bag 4.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 2 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot four. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in. All four moose were loaded and the plane took off.
While attempting to cross some very high mountains, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load even on full power, and it went down.
Amazingly, Paddy and Mick as well as the pilot to survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
• • • • •
Ambulance Response Times
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval.
"Not bad," said the second paramedic, "but by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average response time by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing. Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half."
• • • • •
Johnny is Back
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and the new baby came home from the hospital, little Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left the house, little Johnny's father had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. He also told him that if he so much as uttered a word about the baby's missing ears — or even said the word "ears" — he would get the spanking of his life when they came home. Little Johnny nodded his head and said he understood completely.
When Johnny looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why thank you, Johnny."
Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes," the mother replied. "The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said little Johnny, "cuz if he needed glasses he'd be s—t out of luck!”
• • • • •
A funeral service is being held for a man who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out and accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. A faint moan is heard. When they open the casket, they discover that the man is alive!
He lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again a ceremony is held. At the end, when the pall bearers pick up the casket and begin to carry it out of the church, the wife cries out, "Watch that wall."
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
Aug. 1 — 7
Aug. 1: People are still talking about Anthony Scaramucci — he lasted just six days, making him the shortest-serving White House communications director ever. But don’t feel bad — publishers have offered him a lot of money to write a tell-all pamphlet about the experience.
Trump is apparently looking for a less prominent position for Scaramucci that wouldn’t require him to be seen very often. Then Scaramucci said, “You want me to be first lady?”
It’s been a rough week for Scaramucci. In fact, I saw that in the latest alumni directory for Harvard Law School, he was mistakenly listed as dead. It’s nothing personal, that’s just what happens at Harvard if you don’t donate any money.
Yesterday was White House Chief of Staff John Kelly’s first day on the job. But it got awkward when he showed up and said, “Why are you writing my name on the door in dry erase marker?”
Utility workers here in New York City retrieved a woman’s wedding ring that she dropped down a sewer. While the rat handing it back was like, “Always a bridesmaid!...”
Aug. 2: This morning, President Trump announced a new immigration plan that will favor people who speak English. Which is why tonight, he had to deport himself. "I am BIGLY, BIGLY sad!"
It was a busy day for Trump. He also signed off on new sanctions against Russia for interfering with our election — and a source says that he talked to Vladimir Putin on the phone right before. When people said that was inappropriate, Trump said, "I agree — I wanted to FaceTime!"
A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face.
"The Today Show" just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, "Oh crap, the kids!"
Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military.
Aug. 3: A transcript from President Trump’s phone call with the Australian prime minister was just leaked and at one point, Trump referred to U.S. dairy farmers as local milk people. Even worse, he referred to cows as spotted milk horses.
Trump is also being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire “a drug-infested den.” New Hampshire says it’s furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname.
Trump was actually busted for saying that a bunch of people called to compliment him this week, when they hadn’t. When asked about it today, Trump said, “I can’t talk now, I’m on the phone with the governor of Narnia.”
Trump is trying to impress his new chief of staff, John Kelly, by listing a lot of facts during meetings. They’re all Snapple facts, but still. “Cats have 100 vocal cords.” “Made from the best stuff on Earth.”
Aug. 4: President Trump started his big vacation today. But before he left, he visited FEMA’s headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to them.
But the big story is that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is bringing evidence before a grand jury for the Russia investigation. Trump was confused, because he thought a grand jury was something you order at Denny’s. “I’ll have a grand jury, side of bacon.”
Former Mexican President Vicente Fox was on CNN this morning, and he seemed to express his feelings once again about Trump’s border wall pretty clearly: [clip of Fox] “Well, you can use my words, we’ll never pay for that [bleeping] wall.” Trump was like, “So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there.”
ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of “The Little Mermaid” because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours.
Sunday’s episode of “Game of Thrones” will be the show’s shortest episode ever at just 50 minutes. Yeah, so after the opening credits, that’s only two minutes of actual show.
Aug. 7: President Trump is in the middle of his 17-day trip to his New Jersey golf course, but he says it isn’t a vacation. And the staff at the White House said, “For us it is.”
The Kremlin just released photos of Vladimir Putin on vacation. Putin was like, “Forget about the dad bod, feast your eyes on the Vlad bod.”
As much as people complain about Trump going on vacation, at least he keeps his shirt on.
Mike Pence is denying speculation that he wants to be elected president in 2020. Pence was like, “I think you mean re-elected president in 2020.”
Former communications director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. Networks say it’s impossible, because sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes.
Tonight was the finale of “The Bachelorette.” Millions of people tuned into the finale to see who Rachel would spend the rest of her summer with.
Aug. 7: The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated its fifth year in space by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The Rover then drank a bottle of white wine and cried itself to sleep.
Vice President Mike Pence denies he’s planning to run for president in 2020. He said, “I’m pretty sure I’ll be president way before then.”
The White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. Trump said he’s hoping to replace the kitchen, the carpeting, and the attorney general.
Aug. 1: Do you guys know that song “Despacito?” Well, the government of Malaysia has banned the song from radio and TV in that country for having obscene lyrics. They could be right. I’ve heard this song 2,000 times and I still have no idea what it’s about.
In Malaysia, the government bans obscene content. Here, the president tweets it.
On the bright side, it’s now possible to go an entire day without hearing “Despacito.” You just have to move to Malaysia.
A five-year-old girl who ran a lemonade stand in London was fined $195 for not having the proper trading permit. See, this is why I make my kids open all their lemonade stands offshore on the Cayman Islands.
Aug. 2: This past week, a signed sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005 was bought at auction for nearly $30,000. Bidding started at $9,000 and went all the way up to $30,000. Making this Trump's only venture to ever turn a profit.
Let's be honest, it's not a great drawing. I'd normally say "Keep your day job," but I don't want that either.
The dating app Tinder recently paid a woman's flight change fee after she missed her flight because she was on a great Tinder date. That's how rare great Tinder dates are. If you have one, you win a free trip.
Elon Musk recently announced that the government has approved a plan for something called a "Hyperloop" that will transport people between New York and D.C. in just 29 minutes. "Hyperloop?" I don't know how much I trust [that as] public transportation. That sounds like it should be a ride at Six Flags.
Apparently this thing shoots people through a tube at 700 miles an hour! And, when you arrive in New York it drops you straight off at Macy's so you can buy a clean pair of underwear.
It can get you out of Washington, D.C., and into New York City in 29 minutes. Or, as Melania Trump calls it, not fast enough.
Hospitals in Chicago have seen the number of baby deliveries double this month. Which would be remarkable, until you realize that's exactly nine months after the Chicago Cubs won the World Series.
Aug. 7: We reached an important milestone today, because it was Donald Trump’s 200th day in the White House today. Whooo! Of course, he celebrated in his favorite way, by not going to work at the White House.
In fact this morning Trump tweeted he will be working in New Jersey while the White House goes through a long-planned renovation. Yeah, the White House does need some work. Apparently that place has a ton of leaks.
Vice President Mike Pence is adamantly denying a New York Times article claiming that he has begun a secret campaign for a presidential run in 2020. He says he has even less interest in being president than Trump does, which is saying something.
Pence is like, “This is ridiculous. I’m not focused on being president in 2020, I’m focused on being president after Trump is impeached sometime this year.”
Aug. 1: We have the Olympics in 2028. Only 11 more years, and then volleyball! I feel like between climate change and Kim Jong Un it’s optimistic to think we’ll still have a Los Angeles in 2028.
The slogan for the Olympics is “Follow the Sun,” which is great advice if you want people walking directly into the ocean.
I’m excited about the Olympics being here, but I hope they really go for it. I’m going to start a movement to try to get them to let Snoop Dogg light the torch with a big red, white, and blue blunt. Have an L.A. Olympics!
Aug. 2: The president's approval rating has dropped to a new low. This is a newer low than the last new low. It is down to 33 percent today, which I think is lower than the "Emoji Movie." There's no light at the end of the tunnel.
Did you hear what Trump said about living in the White House? According to Golf magazine, of all places, the president told a group of members at his club in New Jersey the White House is a real dump. A White House spokesperson today denied the president said that, so it's true.
To be fair, Donald Trump thinks any building that doesn't have his name on it is a dump.
The president is in an absolute tailspin. His approval rating is in the basement. And, he's living in a dump.
Tomorrow the president is leaving for a two-week vacation to his beloved Bedminster golf club in New Jersey. Finally, he'll get time to play some golf.
Aug. 3: President Trump is about to go on vacation. He’s off for two blissful weeks on the Island of Covfefe.
He’s going to his Trump golf resort in New Jersey. Some people are angry he’s taking vacation for two weeks. I think it is a good thing. I mean, we’ll still have a country for two more weeks.
Before he slips into those size 46 Van Heusen golf pants, the president made a stop in West Virginia to pound his chest for a large crowd of enthusiastic supporters. Earlier today, he teased that he would be making a big announcement. He doesn’t just make an announcement. First he announces he’s going to make an announcement. Then the announcement gets announced.
So the big announcement they were all excited about was that the governor of West Virginia, Jim Justice, was switching parties from Democrat to Republican. And he has a lot in common with the president. They’re both former Democrats who switched parties because they love Donald Trump. So now they’re on the same team.
Aug. 7: President Trump is on 17-day vacation at a golf course — and tweeted 15 times today.
Meanwhile the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, is also on vacation. Which is kind of suspicious. It’s like when your husband and secretary go on a work trip together.
According to The New York Times, Vice President Mike Pence is planning on running for president if Trump doesn’t run for a second term. But he issued a statement strongly denying the article, saying it was disgraceful, offensive to me, my family and our entire team. He said to suggest he is running for president in 2020 is laughable and absurd. Right, why would Mike Pence want to be president in 2020? He’s going to be president much, much sooner than that.
Aug. 1: After President Trump removed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci yesterday, he tweeted, “A great day at the White House.” Coincidentally, a great day at the White House is the average length of employment there.
White House officials yesterday said they hope to have a bill on tax reform sent to President Trump before December. December? Do you know how much time could happen between now and December? That’s 12 Scaramuccis from now.
According to NBC, Ivanka and first lady Melania Trump were disgusted by Scaramucci’s crude comments to The New Yorker. They say they absolutely will not tolerate that kind of language from someone whose will they are not in.
A couple recently got married on a roller coaster at a Massachusetts amusement park while their wedding guests were on the ride with them. And this is cool — the reception was open barf.
A new article has been published ranking New York City’s best public restrooms. So congratulations yet again to ... the subway!
Aug. 2: A new Quinnipiac poll found that 33 percent of people approve of the job President Trump is doing. Unfortunately, they're all under investigation.
According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself?
A pair of New England Patriots players were kicked out of practice this week after getting into a fight during drills. Wow, even the New England Patriots hate the New England Patriots.
Before heading out of town today, President Trump signed a number of sanctions against Russia. They passed with an overwhelming majority in the House, so Trump had to sign it. Vladimir Putin is not happy. In fact, he changed their relationship status on Facebook today to "It's complicated."
Aug. 3: According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived.”
That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey.
I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, President Trump was being considered for the role of president in the 2015 TV movie “Sharknado 3,” and was upset when the job was given to someone else, and then even more upset [shows photo of Hillary on movie poster] when he found out who got it.
Aug. 7: Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended following reports that he sent lewd photos to multiple female coworkers. Or as Fox News is reporting it: “Did Hillary Frame Eric Bolling?”
According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.”
Aug. 1: For Donald Trump it’s been a rough couple of ... his entire presidency. The chaos coming out of the White House is just coming at you so fast. It’s hard to keep track of it.
Two weeks ago, I had never heard of Anthony Scaramucci. Now, I’ve got to make an appointment to have the tattoo lasered off.
Things are completely different since the president appointed a new chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. Rumor is Kelly got the job after he stood up to Trump, when raised voices could be heard through the thick door to the Oval Office. It was seen as an early indication that Kelly was not afraid to stand up to his commander in chief. No surprise. Trump respects people who don’t suck up to him, starting ...yesterday.
Aug. 2: I am really glad my family got here in 1828. Because Donald Trump just pulled up the immigration ladder behind us. Today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. Now, don’t you dare say that he’s just cruelly targeting illegal immigrants, because the bill wants to reduce LEGAL immigration by 50 percent. "Melania, honey, I got some tough news, only 50 percent of your parents can come to Thanksgiving. I saw your mom. She's in great physical shape."
Now, the bill sounds bad, but they gave it a catchy name: the Reforming American Immigration for Strong Employment (RAISE) Act. Yes, the RAISE Act. Much better marketing than the original name: Reforming American Citizenship Is Super Tough.
Basically Donald Trump wants to create what he calls a merit-based system that awards points to green card applicants based on such factors as English ability. Yes, immigrants have to learn proper English like "bigly" and "covfefe."
Aug. 3: The Wall Street Journal is reporting Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, has impaneled a grand jury. I’m going to say something nobody has ever said before: “God, I wish I had jury duty!”
But really, how are they ever going to find unbiased people to serve on this jury? “Ma’am, have you ever heard of a man by the name of Donald Trump?” “No, Father never mentioned him in our cave-dwelling cult.”
Do you guys remember the beginning of the Trump administration? You’ll recall that in the first week, back when we were giving him a chance, Trump was calling all the world leaders, you know, getting to know them. “Hi, hello? Hi. My name is Donald. I like to eat steak. What are you wearing? Hello? Hello?”
Two of the calls were with the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Australia. Rumor is, the calls did not go well. First, Trump talked to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and when he got off the phone, said basically, “Great news, they’re paying for the wall.” But Peña Nieto said, “Que estas hablando/what you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”
Aug. 4: You know who is going to have a nice, fun long weekend? Donald Trump. Because starting today, he begins a 17-day vacation. [Audience boos.] No, he’s earned it ... is a phrase that you don’t say about Donald Trump.
Trump has spent the last year telling us that the mainstream media is “fake news.” So now he’s finally fighting back, because President Trump has launched his own news program on his Facebook page ... that LOOKS like state-sponsored propaganda.
The WWE has trademarked the Bible verse numbers 3:16. It is the most inappropriate case of commercializing the Bible since King Solomon’s baby-sized Ginsu knives. “Cut that baby in one swipe!”
The WWE-trademarked 3:16 refers to one of the Bible’s most quoted verses, John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that those who believe in him shall not die but have eternal life.” Or, as the WWE will now put it, “Christ-a-mania is running wild! Woo, baby!”
Aug. 7: As of Friday, Donald Trump is on a 17-day vacation at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. He’s there to relax after months of grueling golf at Mar-a-Lago.
But the president swears he’s not taking it easy, tweeting: “Working in Bedminster, N.J., as long-planned construction is being done at the White House. This is not a vacation — meetings and calls!” Meetings AND calls! Wow! Both of them! Trump has to do all that during his vacation? Man, I would NOT want to work for Vladimir Putin. Tough boss!
Trump’s buddy Vladimir Putin is also taking a break. He’s in Siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun. Though he later claimed the fish were killed by Ukrainian separatists.
Of course, since it’s Putin, he also released photos of himself chilling by the river. [shows photo of bare-chested Putin] Man, those sanctions have already devastated the Russian shirt industry.
I will say, compared to Trump THAT looks like a vacation. I would love to go on a bro-down fishing trip with Vladimir Putin. I’ll bet it would be so much fun that I’d NEVER come back.
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for the most current update.
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If the day ever comes when your family decides it’s necessary to move you into a retirement home, fear not. If NFL icon Peyton Manning can handle the adjustment, so can YOU. (4:23)
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Can you imagine what it must feel like to be a laboratory chimp who has been caged for 30 years, then wake up one morning to realize that you and the other chimps are being released into a sanctuary. Watch THIS and you can get an idea of what it may be like. (3:43)
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Can tickling an animal make it laugh? It seems that is the case with THIS pet Meerkat. Either that or its owner is driving the little critter insane. (0:53)
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Sharon Lansdowne seems to like THIS not-so-little critter so much that someone should warn our former Chief that she is liable to adopt one and bring it home if given the opportunity. (2:11)
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Given the size of this spider we can understand why the guy is wearing a motorcycle helmet and approaching carefully. THIS is such an unusual clip that the odds are good you will want to forward it to some friends. (0:22)
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Gotcha, didn't we? Moving on: Word has it that when Pete Salvi arrived at the gym last week to work out something caused him to change his mind…
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Want to see a gymnast defy the laws of physics. You know you do, so click HERE and be amazed. (It plays twice, the second time from a different angle.) (1:27)
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Isn’t there an old cliché that goes, “Hell hath no fury like two women involved in a cat fight,” or something like THAT? (2:20)
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Lumpy says, if you’re going to take a post-retirement job working in a gun store that sells body armor, watch THIS short clip and learn a lesson. (1:12)
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It’s unlikely that this American who was in Tokyo on March 11 of 2011 couldn’t even begin to imagine what was to follow when he witnessed the ground open up in front of him. It’s also unlikely that he would realize that THIS video footage he captured would eventually receive over 5 million views on YouTube. (3:06)
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Would it make you nervous to be on the third deck from the bottom of a cruise ship in a storm and look out your window only to realize it is UNDER water? (3:45)
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Meet the late Rufus Hussey, arguably the best slingshot shooter (or beanshooter) who ever was. The quality of THIS 8-year-old video clip could be better, but it is easily viewable. Rufus died in 1991 at the age of 75. Click HERE for the video. (4:07)
Eight years before Rufus died, he was invited to appear on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Hussey appeared on the episode that aired on January 23, 1986. He was on the air for almost 10 minutes with Carson, where he displayed his considerable skill and even shot an object out of Carson's hand. Click HERE to view the segment. (12:06)
Click HERE if you want to watch a video that will show you how to make a Rufus Hussey slingshot. (9:28)
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Ready to go rallying again? It’s perfectly safe. But tighten your seat belt anyway just in case SOMETHING unexpected happens. (3:17)
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Familiar with the phrase “Patience is a virtue?” Apparently THIS truck driver hadn't and paid the price. (1:00)
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If you were a fan of “Seinfeld,” you may want to watch these Bloopers and Outtakes from Seasons 1 through 3. Many of them are FUNNIER than the scenes that made the show. You may even hear Elaine utter a few expletives! (29:00)
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Has it really been four days short of 72 years since we (the U.S.) celebrated VJ Day on Aug. 14, 1945, the day that Japan surrendered which brought an end to World War II? This is the third time over the past 8 years that we included this 16mm Kodachrome film clip of that joyful day in Honolulu, just miles from where the attack on Pearl Harbor brought us into the war almost four years earlier. If you are old enough, you should recognize Jimmy Durante’s voice as he sings a memorable song of the time to commemorate the day. Thanks to Jim Silvers for reminding us that we are just a few days away from the 72nd anniversary of VJ DAY. (3:38)
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We'll be seeing you, too...
Pic of the Week
Wisconsin’s rural dairy country, it’s not unusual for elementary school
to be taught how to milk a cow. Here are a few words of wisdom to those parents
who decide to snap a photo of their child participating in the lesson: Choose your
camera angle with care so you don't accidentally embarrass the teacher…
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 8/9/17
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
Johnson Fong — Added
To receive the email address of anyone on the list -- or to receive the roster with all of the email addresses -- send your request to <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark "Mo"
O'Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve