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publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association's Board of Directors or its membership.
RETIRED CAPT. GORDON “GG” BALLARD
Born Sept. 8, 1937 (79)
Appointed Dec. 1958
Retired Feb. 1988
Died July 29, 2017
According to his son Dave, Gordon passed away on Saturday the 29th after a year of on-and-off health issues. His family sometimes referred to him as a medical miracle after a heart attack forced his retirement from the SJPD in Feb. of 1988. Over the next three decades GG overcame a number of other ailments that included a stroke, colon cancer, carotid artery surgery, pancreatitis, kidney stones and other issues, but Dave said “they never kept him down.”
GG was admitted to O’Connor Hospital a couple of weeks ago as a result of a bacterial infection that eventually took his life this past Saturday.
Dave said that “despite his health issues, he obtained a real estate broker’s license and a private investigator’s license following his retirement from the SJPD, both of which he “dabbled with over the next decade before deciding to fully retire and enjoy life with Lynn at their home in Willow Glen, where he remodeled his parents’ home. This brought him full circle.”
GG is survived by his wife, Lynn, sons Dave and Rick and four grandchildren ages 18 to 21.
Plans call for cremation by the Neptune Society. In accordance with GG’s wishes, there are no plans for a service at this time.
GG and Lynn at the Savannah Chanelle Winery in Saratoga, summer of 2015.
—Wife of retired Sgt. Dave Samsel—
Joyce and Dave on the Plantation Course
on Maui overlooking the Pacific
The following message was received from Craig Shuey on Tuesday of this week...
Yesterday (Monday) we received an email from a neighbor of Dave and Joyce Samsel advising us that Joyce had passed away early Monday morning. I spoke with Dave and he advised that as they prepared for bed Joyce said she wanted to read. Dave woke up to Joyce's irregular breathing and could not awaken her. He called the Lincoln Fire Department and CPR was given, but Dave and the Lincoln EMTs were unable to revive her after 25 minutes of valiant effort.
Dave advised that there will tentatively be a memorial service at the Woodcreek Golf Course in Roseville on Saturday, 26 Aug 2017. Details to follow.
Ironically, I encouraged Dave to attend the SJPD Lincoln Hills Monthly Breakfast in Lincoln on 5 Aug 2017. He advised that he could not attend because he would be in Kona, HI with his daughter and son-in-law celebrating his and Joyce's 50th wedding anniversary.
Dave's email is <firstname.lastname@example.org> and his cell phone is (916) 599-0361. He welcomes phone calls.
Craig (Shuey) <email@example.com>
—Wife of retired Officer Tom Cannell—
According to a message from Pete Guerin, Tom Cannell posted the following information on Facebook yesterday (Wed.) afternoon.
As some may know, Robin, my lovely wife of 42 years, passed away yesterday due to complications of a stroke and a subsequent heart attack that occurred Saturday morning. I am dealing with this as best I can thanks to all my friends and their support. You know who you are.
I am in the process of planning a celebration of her life and am looking into the Santa Cruz Moose Lodge. I will post more information as soon as I find available dates.
I will love her and miss her forever.
I made contact with Tom late yesterday. His Facebook friends can extend their condolences on his Facebook page under his a/k/a of Jasper Kirby. Non-Facebook friends can use his email address of <firstname.lastname@example.org>
CHAPLAIN BRIDGEN TRANSFERRED TO A DIFFERENT FACILITY
Dave was transferred from Vasona Creek Healthcare to Somerset Senior Living on Wednesday morning. Just prior to the move, we were met at Vasona Creek by Captain Johnson Fong and a contingent of San Jose Police Motor officers, as well as Chaplains Jim and Bryan. Everything went well with the transfer. The transport vehicle was on time and the driver, Edgar, was very compassionate and accommodating. The motors accompanied Dave and Betty Ruth and our small procession along the 15-minute route to Somerset. Upon our arrival we were greeted by about 40-50 uniformed San Jose police officers who had gathered for the occasion. The Somerset staff ushered us into the dining area where the rest of the residents were gathering for lunch. Dave and Betty Ruth were introduced to everyone, and we took loads of pictures. I have included a few here.
Dave and Betty Ruth want to again convey their appreciation for all of the visits and cards, and for the kind thoughts, prayers and expressions of love that our Department members have poured out to them.
Somerset Senior Living is located at 1050 St. Elizabeth Drive, San Jose. Dave is in Room 221. Visiting hours are 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m., and visits are encouraged.
Anyone needing more information can email me at <email@example.com> or call my cell phone at (408) 807-6809.
I will try to keep you updated as time goes along.
Gary (Johnson) <firstname.lastname@example.org>
with TEU Motor Officers at Vasona Creek prior to the
The welcoming committee at Somerset...
Somerset with Betty Ruth, Capt. Johnson Fong and two others...
I wanted to forward this amazing article. We were by the New York Police Department's side supporting them at the time of the ambush police killings in 2014. Our support for them and others will continue. Your POA will be sending a care package for mother and baby.
After all the stories I've read on this, two things really stand out to me which I would like to highlight:
The first one is that the mother wanted to make sure that his police family knew about the birth first, before anybody else, because that's what you do when it's Family.
The other comment that stood out to me, which I'm sure resonates with all of you, is that she can't wait to tell her baby girl her dad was a hero.
God bless their family, please stay safe.
Paul Kelly, SJPOA President
Click HERE to read the article .
This is a reminder that the August membership meeting will be held at 7:30 a.m. on Tuesday, Aug. 8th. Stay safe!
Please click HERE and then enter the password firepolice to get more information on the event below.
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
Cops Who Left Amid Turmoil May Return
By Robert Salonga <email@example.com>
Mercury News — Aug. 1, 2017
SAN JOSE — One small bit at a time, the San Jose Police Department is beginning to look like its old self.
Kyle Burchfiel is sworn in by police Chief Eddie
Garcia for his second stint as an officer with the
San Jose Police Department on Monday in San Jose.
Granted, the department is just a few months into its rebuild after a decade when it shrunk by more than a third to just over 900 officers, amid austerity measures and a protracted political fight over pension reform. But with a sharp pay bump, robust academy classes and now, a stream of interest from outside cops, there are signs of of a rebound that would have seemed impossible a couple of years ago.
Officer Kyle Burchfiel is an example of that momentum. Burchfiel, who has been a Palo Alto police officer, was sworn in by Chief Eddie Garcia at police headquarters Monday in a quiet, low-key ceremony. But it had outsized significance to a police force that for several years completely lost its ability to attract outside officers to join the ranks.
“I’m very excited to patrol where I’m from,” said Burchfiel, a Pioneer High School alum. “I grew up when it was the (nation’s) safest city, and I can’t wait to be part of getting it back to that.”
Kyle Burchfiel is greeted by members of the San
Jose Police Department as he returns for his
second stint as an officer Monday in San Jose.
Last year, SJPD made no outside hires, a metric often used by police brass to gauge the department’s competitiveness in attracting top talent. The year before, there was one.
As of Monday, it has hired or is in the process of hiring 17 officers from other departments, all since about February when labor peace was achieved in the form of a hard-fought contract that committed healthy raises for the rank-and-file.
Additionally, Garcia said at least a dozen officers who previously left SJPD for other agencies, amid the political turmoil that marred the first half of the decade, have contacted him to rejoin SJPD.
“We just needed to be competitive again,” Garcia said. “People didn’t want to leave this place, but they did for financial reasons. We fixed the issue.”
The issue was on the mind of Officer Adam Hutson, a seasoned investigator who spent 14 years at SJPD who has worked the last five as a Santa Cruz County Sheriff’s deputy. For Hutson, the past couple of months have been a homecoming for the Oak Grove High School and San Jose State University alum.
“At the time, morale was an all-time low,” Hutson said, recalling his departure in 2012. “But there was always something burning in my heart, wanting to go back. San Jose is home to me.”
Hutson said he wrote to the chief, and his old colleagues urged him to consider a return. He noted there were no hard feelings when he made his choice to don an SJPD patch again.
“I came back and I was expecting I was going to get ostracized,” he said. “Everyone welcomed me with open arms.”
Garcia made a point to credit the officers who weathered years of overstretched patrols and short staffing to ensure the department still resembled itself once the pay and benefit disputes were resolved.
“We wouldn’t be where we’re at if it weren’t for the officers who chose to stay here,” Garcia said. “They didn’t allow this police department to crumble.”
The police union hopes that the new staffing trajectory will mean relief soon for those same officers.
“Experienced officers laterally transferring here is welcome news and it’s one of the antidotes that we hope cures the SJPD from the crippling loss of hundreds of officers these past several years,” said Tom Saggau, spokesman for the San Jose Police Officers’ Association.
Garcia is the first to point out that the hiring news is at best just an opening salvo into restoring a net loss of nearly 500 officers since 2008, a year that saw a zenith of 1,400 cops sworn to protect the city. The department is currently authorized to have 1,109 officers.
“It’s still early, but these indicators justify our collective hard work in getting efforts like Measure F over the goal line,” said Mayor Sam Liccardo, referring to the ballot measure that codified the new labor contract. “Seeing full academies and welcoming former San Jose PD officers back to the family are a welcome sign to both city leadership and thousands of our residents.”
Hutson also hopes that the return of him and other police veterans can help restore institutional knowledge to the department.
“We’re only going to get back to that by getting skilled officers back,” Hutson said. “We don’t just need warm bodies. We need smart officers who are going to reflect the community and do good police work.”
That idea resonates with community leaders like Walter Wilson, a member of the Black Leadership Kitchen Cabinet of Silicon Valley and longtime social rights activist.
“Those officers who came back are more significant than the next two recruitment classes,” Wilson said. “The more experienced officers are the ones who wind up making better decisions.”
Wilson also said the rebuilding of SJPD is an opportunity to infuse more minority representation into the police force, noting that there is only one black officer in the senior command staff.
“Bringing these new people in, what message are you sending if 90 percent of the captains are white?” he said. “They need to pay close attention to diversity in hiring.”
Garcia agreed with the sentiment and is pushing diversity in recruitment and hiring to eventually increase minority leadership in the upper ranks.
“We should strive to mirror the community we serve,” he said. “We’re leaving no stone unturned. We need to have a diverse pool to promote a diverse pool.”
• • • • •
NBC Bay Area covered this story on its website Monday and included an embedded video that may be worth a look. Click HERE to access it…
EMERALD SOCIETY INVITES YOU TO RICHARD HUERTA MEMORIAL
NEW RETIREES’ ASSN. NEWSLETTER NOW AVAILABLE
The latest electronic version of the Billy & Spanner is now available on-line. Thank you to all who have agreed to receive the on-line version of the newsletter. You can download it by clicking HERE.
FROM HANDS UP DON’T SHOOT TO HANDS OUT AND ASK FOR CASH
What are the odds that when Dorian Johnson — he created the infamous phrase “Hands up, don’t shoot” — heard that the city of Ferguson paid the parents of Michael Brown $1.5 million to settle a civil suit, Johnson thought he should be entitled to a piece of the pie? Is this a great country or what?
Court Allows Michael Brown’s Friend to Sue Officer Darren Wilson and Police
Blue Lives Matter — July 26, 2017
Dorian Johnson (left) has filed a lawsuit claiming that his
civil rights were violated because Officer Darren Wilson drove
a police car in front of him and Michael Brown (right.)
Dorian Johnson is One Step Closer to Payday In Michael Brown Shooting Lawsuit
St. Louis, MO — A federal appeals court has decided that Michael Brown’s friend, Dorian Johnson, may have his lawsuit against former officer Darren Wilson and ex-chief Thomas Jackson proceed, despite some obvious issues with the lawsuit.
On Tuesday, the 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals decided that Darren Wilson and Thomas Jackson were not immune from the lawsuit.
The lawsuit is based off of the premise that Officer Wilson illegally detained Dorian Johnson and Michael Brown after he pulled his SUV in front of them.
Johnson was walking with Brown after Brown had just robbed a convenience store. When Officer Darren Wilson arrived, Brown attacked the officer while Johnson ran away.
Now Johnson claims that he was illegally detained, even though there was reasonable suspicion to detain him, and Johnson fled the scene so he never acknowledged that he was being detained. The officers’ lawyer made a motion to have the case thrown out, because Johnson’s movements weer never restrained.
The 8th Circuit panel said that according to Johnson’s version of events, “the law was sufficiently clear” that “a reasonable officer in Officer Wilson’s position would not have shot his gun,” according to ABC News. It’s not clear what that has to do with Johnson claiming his civil rights were violated while he was running away to avoid a detention.
Of course, this isn’t the first potential payday in the Michael Brown case.
As a reward for Michael Brown attempting to murder a police officer, Fox2Now reported that last month a federal judge approved a payment of $1.5 million to be paid by the insurance company to Michael Brown’s parents.
Documents about the Michael Brown settlement had previously been sealed, but then details were finally released by the Ferguson City Attorney.
In January, U.S. District Judge E. Richard Webber, ordered the parents of Michael Brown to turn over requested medical and education records in their wrongful-death lawsuit, despite the protests of his parents, Michael Brown, Sr., and Lezley McSpadden.
The records that have been requested included the parents’ medical records for the past five years, their son’s education records, and certain medical documents.
According to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Judge Webber said, “The court will not limit the medical records to treatment sought by the plaintiffs for damages specifically related to this matter because (the) defendants will need to evaluate whether the claimed injuries actually occurred as a result of the death of their son.”
The documentation was requested by the defense attorneys who represent the City of Ferguson, the Officer Darren Wilson, and the former Police Chief of the Ferguson Police Department. In the lawsuit, Brown’s parents state they have “sustained permanent injuries including mental anguish” since his death.
Judge Webber dismissed the parents’ claim that the release of the records was “harassing and invasive” by further stating “Repeatedly asserting the same objections to each request is not enough to protect against disclosure.”
Attorneys for Brown’s parents have argued that the death of their son deprived them of financial support through his future potential wages. Attorneys for the defendants countered that Brown’s complete medical records were necessary and relevant in determining his ‘potential life expectancy and future income.’
In a book that she wrote in 2016, Brown’s mother Lezley McSpadden said that her son had “high blood pressure, headaches, impaired vision and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.” The medical records that Judge Webber ordered released include Brown’s medical history since he was 10-years-old.
The Judge also ordered the release of Brown’s parents’ tax returns since 2009, stating that it was “a straightforward way” in assessing how their income has changed since Brown’s death.
He also ordered that records of any income that was made from “sales of merchandise or memorabilia featuring their son’s likeness, as well as proceeds from any GoFundMe campaigns or other fundraisers linked to his death” must be released as well.
Presumably, the information discovered since the lawsuit began convinced Michael Brown’s parents to take a settlement from the insurance company rather than risk the lawsuit going bad in court.
It’s hard to argue that there’s lost income over your son’s death when you’re selling merchandise and capitalizing on his death. Had Brown lived, he would have been supported by taxpayers in prison and presumably made little to no income.
At least, he would have made no legitimate income. Recently released video shows Michael Brown dealing drugs in the hours before his death.
While you may find it disturbing that the family of a justifiably-dead violent criminal is getting a payday, the truth is that just about all families of justifiably-dead criminals get a payday. No matter how clear-cut a justified shooting is, insurance companies stand-by to pay the families.
Click HERE and scroll down to review the readers’ comments about this article.
HERE’S A SWELL IDEA: DISARM THE COPS IN MINNEAPOLIS
Before you assume that this turkey doesn’t stand a chance of becoming the mayor of Minneapolis, consider this: 1) Of the multiple candidates running for mayor, he is leading with 32 percent of the vote. 2) Minneapolis is the largest city in Minnesota, the same state where the voters sent Al Franken to Washington.
Mayoral Candidate Raymond Dehn Proposes Disarming
Police of Guns
By: Christina Palladino — Fox 9 in Minneapolis
July 25, 2017
Click HERE to watch the embedded video news report about this mayoral candidate.
MINNEAPOLIS - State Representative and Minneapolis mayoral candidate Raymond Dehn is calling for major policing changes, proposing to take away guns from the majority of officers.
Dehn is one of several candidates running to beat current Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges in the fall.
He recently won the support of voters at the Democratic Farmer Labor convention and now his call to disarm police of their side guns is garnering major attention.
"I'm not saying they don't have access to that, just like they have access to more lethal weapons in their cars, I would believe they would still have access to their guns in their cars," said Dehn.
Dehn says there needs to be drastic changes in how officers are trained.
He would be open to officers using other means to protect themselves like a night stick or pepper spray.
"I think as we look at how to change policing and how we get officers to not react to use their gun in situations, but learning skills around de-escalation training I think are important," he said.
Mayor Hodges disagrees with Dehn's proposal.
"And if we are going to talk about changes in gun policy, we shouldn't start with police officer who are going to be operating in a world with people who have guns," said Hodges.
Dehn says the details of his no gun proposal are still in the early stages and he wants to sit down with police officers and come up with a strategy that keeps both the community and law enforcement safe.
But the head of the police union, Lt. Bob Kroll, says there's not a chance this idea would fly with any cop.
"I don't think the people in Minneapolis are logically ready for anything like this,” said Kroll. “Who would ever do the job of policing again? It's absolutely an absurd thought.”
Fox 9 reached out to several of the other candidates running for mayor. All agreed that there needs to be substantial reform within the police department, but they say stripping officers’ guns is going too far.
SOME SAY SHE IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT’S WRONG WITH OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS
San Diego Teacher Detained After Refusing to Tell Border
Patrol Agent in New Mexico Whether She is a U.S. Citizen
KTLA 5 News — Los Angeles
A San Diego middle school teacher and her two children were detained at an immigration checkpoint in New Mexico last week after she refused to tell Border Patrol agents whether she was a U.S. citizen, in an incident that garnered national attention after videos of the tense encounter went viral.
With cellphone in hand, one of Shane Parmely’s children started recording from the back seat of their vehicle as the mother approached the inland checkpoint. She was subsequently stopped by a male agent who asked whether she and her children were citizens, according to video posted to her Facebook page last Friday.
Click HERE to watch a video of the incident.
“Are we crossing a border?” a surprised Parmely responded.
“No,” he said. “Are you United States citizens?”
“Are we crossing a border?” Parmely repeated. “I’ve never been asked if I’m a citizen before when I’m traveling down the road.”
The exchange continued, with Parmely telling him she didn’t think she had to answer his questions. The agent then takes out a card listing immigration laws and Supreme Court cases, showing her that agents have the authority to operate such checkpoints within 100 miles of the U.S. border.
“I’m passing (on) a federally-funded highway, driving, minding my own business. And I get pulled over and asked if I’m a citizen,” she remarked amid the lengthy exchange.
When she continued to decline to answer his questions, Parmely and her family were detained at the checkpoint for an immigration inspection.
At one point, she told him she was refusing out of protest and in solidarity with her friends; she noted they or their children have been “discriminated against.”
“So, if I have an accent, and I’m brown, can I just say, ‘Yes,’ and go ahead or do I have to prove it?” Parmely asked the agent. “I have a bunch of teacher friends who are sick of their kids being discriminated against.”
The agent stated he wasn’t “discriminating against anyone.”
Parmely later explained to television station KFMB in San Diego that she had friends whose children were interrogated away from the U.S. border, something she found appalling.
“It’s just horrifying to hear what’s happened to my friends’ kids, who are just brown,” she told the station.
Parmely’s friend and fellow teacher, Gretel Rodriguez, said her children have experienced it first-hand.
“Her kids don’t go through any of that,” Rodriguez told KFMB. “And still, every time we go, my kids get aggressively interrogated.”
Parmely told the station she was detained for about 90 minutes.
During that time, her son had to use the bathroom. One agent, a woman, told her he couldn’t use it until she answered the citizenship question; however, a short time later, a male agent intervened and escorted him to a restroom, the footage showed.
The family was eventually released without having to answer any questions, the San Diego-Union Tribune reported.
A Border Patrol spokesman issued a statement about the incident to the newspaper. The statement read:
“Border Patrol checkpoints are a critical tool for the enforcement of our nation’s immigration laws. At a Border Patrol checkpoint, an agent may question a vehicle’s occupants about their citizenship, place of birth, and request document proof of immigration status, how legal status was obtained and make quick observations of what is in plain view in the interior of the vehicle.
“During the course of the immigration inspection, if an occupant refuses to answer an agent’s questions, the agent may detain the driver for a reasonable amount of time until he or she can make a determination regarding the occupant’s immigration status.”
Various parts of the interaction were posted in a series of seven videos on her personal Facebook page, which she made public. Some commenters expressed their support for Parmely, while others were critical.
Why are we not surprised that Parmely is using this pic of her and Maxine Waters as her profile photo on Facebook. Click on the link below to access Parmely’s Facebook page…
STORIES OF THE WEEK
At the DMV
A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner points to a card on the wall behind him with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read that?” the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies. "I know the guy!"
• • • • •
Do you know the State Mottos?
-- Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska -- 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona -- But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas -- Literacy Ain't Everything
California -- By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic than Your Honda
Colorado -- If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut -- Like Massachusetts, Only the Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware -- We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida -- Ask Us About Our Grandkids. Then Teach Us How to Drive and Vote
Georgia -- We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii -- Haka Tike Mou Sha'ami Lee ki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho -- More than Just Potatoes. Well, OK, We're Not, But the Potatoes Sure are Real Good
Illinois -- Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana -- Free of Tsunamis for 2 Billion Years
Iowa -- We Do Amazing Things with Corn
Kansas -- First of the Rectangle States
Kentucky -- Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana -- We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine -- Yes, We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland -- If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts -- Our Taxes are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan -- First Line of Defense from the Canadians
Minnesota -- Land of 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi -- Come and Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri -- Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana -- Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska -- Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada -- Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire -- Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey -- You Want a ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
New Mexico -- Where Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York -- You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina -- Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota -- We Really are One of the 50 States
Ohio -- At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma -- Like the Play, But No Singing or Dancing
Oregon -- Spotted Owl...It's What's for Dinner
Pennsylvania -- Where You Can Still Cook with Coal
Rhode Island -- We're Not Really an Island
South Carolina -- Remember the War of Northern Aggression? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota -- Closer than North Dakota
Tennessee -- The Edyoocashun State
Texas -- Hablamos Ingles
Utah -- Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont -- Ay, Yup
Virginia -- Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington -- We Have More Rain than You Do
West Virginia -- One Big Happy Family...Really
Wisconsin -- Come Cut the Cheese With Us
Wyoming -- Where Men are Men and the Sheep Are Scared
• • • • •
For Catholics Only
This must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals' code words the better off they are. The only exceptions are Episcopalians and Anglicans since they are sort of like cousins to Catholics...
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good football or basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to ever attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (It's also the Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
• • • • •
Sharing life with a woman...
When John learned he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly father died, he decided he wanted a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," John said as he walked up to the woman of his dreams, "but in just a week or two my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later she became his stepmother.
Face it, guys. We will never win the battle of the sexes!
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
July 25 — 31
July 25: Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don't know what they're going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, "Surprise me! Just go for it!”
That’s right, ahead of the healthcare vote, Senators were saying they had no clue what they’d be voting on. Then Americans said, "Hey — just like us during the election!"
This morning, two senators were caught on a hot mic calling President Trump "crazy." And when the news came out, literally every member of the Senate was like, "Wait, was it me?"
But people are still talking about this. Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. His healthcare bill won the award for “Scariest Campfire Story.”
And we’re still getting to know Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw that his friends like to call him “The Mooch.” When Trump heard, he was like, “Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric?”
July 26: Some big political news. Today President Trump went on Twitter and announced that he is banning transgender people from serving in the military. Trump said he understands this is a very sensitive issue, so he made sure to choose his emoji's very carefully.
Actually, Trump says that he's banning transgender people from serving because of high medical costs. If he cares so much about high medical costs, maybe he should pass a healthcare bill.
Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, "I'm going to need another clue."
Another big story is Trump's feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions. When he was asked about what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, "Time will tell." When asked if he was just stealing lines off his magic eight ball, Trump said, "Ask again later."
July 27: “Dancing With the Stars” is reportedly trying to get former White House press secretary Sean Spicer to be a contestant, marking the first “Dancing With the Stars” contestant who’s hit rock bottom before going on the show.
Spicer’s not the only one doing a reality show. On the next episode of “Undercover Boss,” Vladimir Putin is going to go work at the White House. “Hello. I'm a tour guide here. How are things at home?”
Trump's new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, made news for comparing Trump’s attempt to repeal Obamacare to Lincoln abolishing slavery. In a related story, Anthony Scaramucci is now expected to take Sean Spicer’s spot on “Dancing With the Stars.”
The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot.
July 31: Today, President Trump officially removed Anthony Scaramucci as his communications director. And this was a little awkward — when Scaramucci called an Uber to pick him up at the White House, Sean Spicer was driving.
Scaramucci lost his job after just 10 days, following an obscene interview with the New Yorker. You know it’s bad when you get fired after 10 days and everyone’s still like, “What took so long?”
He’s out after 10 days. So Scaramucci is gone, but his cologne will linger forever.
And get this — Scaramucci’s official start date was supposed to be August 15. Or as Trump put it, “See? We’re setting so many records. He’s the first person to ever get fired BEFORE they even start working.”
It came out that Scaramucci actually missed the birth of his son last week because he was with Trump, so he texted his wife “Congratulations.” Trump was like, “You don’t text your wife after she has your baby — you tweet her!”
July 25: This afternoon, Republicans in the Senate narrowly won a vote on Obamacare. When I heard this news, I was bummed. And then I found out it was simply a vote to begin debating the future of Obamacare. Which raises the question — what the hell have they been doing this whole time?!
Even dogs are like, "You got to stop chasing that tail! You're looking stupid!"
Yesterday Donald Trump spoke at the National Boy Scout Jamboree. And it was horrific. During his speech, Trump told the Scouts that Health and Human Resources Secretary Tom Price would be fired if Congress doesn't repeal and replace Obamacare. To which the Boy Scouts replied, "Dude, we're ten."
On the bright side, every Scout in attendance was able to earn his badge for "Listening to an old man (bleep) about his job."
July 26: Today Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he wants to ban transgender soldiers from serving in the U.S. military. This is unusual. Usually when Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.
Now Trump says that this move is to save money. But according to one study if you look at all the money that is spent on healthcare for transgender soldiers, the military spends five times as much on prescriptions for Viagra.
Now this reverses a policy that Obama put in place last year. At this point, it just seems like Trump wants to do the opposite of everything Obama did. He is like, "Oh, Obama pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving? Well I'm going to slaughter a turkey with a chainsaw on the front lawn."
Energy Secretary Rick Perry recently spent 20 minutes on the phone talking to the prime minister of the Ukraine, only to find out he was actually being pranked by a Russian comedian. So it looks like Russia is now two for two pranking America.
July 27: A lot of news coming out of the White House, but strangely enough, Donald Trump isn't the one making the news this time. I guess his meds are finally kicking in?
New White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci is on a real tear to stop leaks from the White House. We know this because someone in the White House leaked it.
Scaramucci was livid last night after some of his financial information was leaked, so he went on Twitter and seemingly blamed chief of staff Reince Priebus for the leak, but then he deleted the tweet later, which is a great start for a communications director.
Now I don't know, Reince Priebus might be the leak, Scaramucci might be lying. Only one thing is certain, I can't spell either of their names.
July 31: A school district in Florida is eliminating homework for all school students this year. Yeah, no homework. It’s all part of Florida’s “make Florida Flori-duh again” campaign.
Officials say it’s fine because a lot of students are already reading at a fifth grade level. Unfortunately a lot of those students are in 10th grade.
The state of Colorado has determined that the tax revenue from the sale of legalized marijuana has now exceeded half a billion dollars. Colorado has so much extra money for marijuana it can now afford a cocaine habit.
Unfortunately, they’ve already spent all of that money on Funyuns and Hot Pockets.
You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it’s planning to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint.
The other night I could have sworn I heard Roomba and Alexa talking about how much they could get for my flat screen.
July 31: President Trump is coming off his worst week since ... his last worst week, which I think was the week before last week.
Sean Spicer’s out, Reince Priebus is out, Trumpcare is dead, and Kim Jong Un has a missile that can reach New York. And weirdly, I don’t feel tired from all the winning yet.
The president has been very busy repealing and replacing his staff, most notably Anthony Scaramucci, the Mooch, who 10 days ago was named the White House communications director. Today he’s out of a job.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted about Reince Priebus, who he fired. He wrote, “We accomplished a lot together, and I am proud of him.” That’s two lies in one sentence.
It will be easier for Reince Priebus to go into a souvenir shop and find a novelty license plate with his name on it than it will be to find a job after this.
July 25: The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while.
President Trump spoke yesterday at the Boy Scout Jamboree and bragged about his election victory over Hillary Clinton. And every Scout in attendance earned the merit badge for eye rolling.
According to The Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right.
July 26: Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said today that he’s not a backstabber, but “more of a front-stabbing person.” And it’s very telling about this administration that they think there’s a right way to stab somebody. “I stab from the front, underhand. Like a gentleman.”
At a rally in Ohio last night, President Trump said that Abraham Lincoln is the only president more presidential than him. And then, this is weird, Trump invited him to the White House.
President Trump today wrote an all caps tweet saying quote, “IN AMERICA WE DON'T WORSHIP GOVERNMENT - WE WORSHIP GOD.” Though I think most of us will happily worship whichever one gets you out of office first.
Mexican food chain Chipotle will reportedly debut its first drive-through window at an Ohio location this fall. And if you’ve ever eaten at Chipotle, you know the food is also drive-through.
July 27: First lady Melania Trump announced today that her first solo international trip will be to Toronto, Canada. The purpose of her trip hasn't been announced. But I'm guessing sanctuary?
The publisher of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming memoir announced today that the title of her book will be the statement “What Happened.” Well, that’s the censored version.
In a recent interview, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau revealed that the he watched clips from the popular TV show “The West Wing” to prepare for debates. While Donald Trump prepared for debates by watching “Friday the 13th.”
Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a potato-rito, which is beef, cheese, potatoes, and chipotle spice wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional value, just eat the dollar.
July 26: I began my day as I often do, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel tweeting. What? What won't you allow? Socks with sandals? Dancing? Please tell me it's not alcohol. I needs my drank!
Ten minutes later he told us what he won't allow: "Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military."
This is what really stings — they are being rejected by a rich guy who during Vietnam sidestepped the draft with four deferments and a medical disqualification for bone spurs in his foot.
Yesterday we were talking about how the Senate Republicans celebrated narrowly voting to open debate on their Obamacare repeal bill. Well, that victory is on life support already, because last night, their plan to replace Obamacare lost by 43-57.
But don't worry. They have a backup-backup-backup plan, the so-called "Skinny repeal," which I think is made with soy milk.
July 31: Anthony Scaramucci, gone after just a week and change on the job! The Mooch is toast! The front-stabber has been back-stabbed.
He said he was going to fire everybody, and I’ve got to admit, he delivered. That’s thorough!
The Mooch lasted as communications director for only 10 days. Yes, 10 days! That’s not even one whole pay period. His going-away party can serve what’s left of his welcome cake.
On Friday, Trump hired new White House chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. No surprise Trump picked a general. According to one source, “The kinds of people that Trump particularly likes are people with bucks, money, and braids, the military.” Yes, he likes people with bucks and braids. So if Kelly doesn’t work out, congratulations to our next chief of staff, Sparkle the show pony.
Kelly is the polar opposite of Reince Priebus, the former chief of staff. Kelly is military, Priebus is a Washington insider. Kelly’s from Boston, Priebus is from Wisconsin. John Kelly has two first names, and Reince Priebus has no recognizable names at all.
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for the most current update.
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Few comedians were better at pantomime than Tim Conway and Dick Van Dyke. And when you toss Carol Burnett into the mix you’ve got a winning skit. Check out THIS one about K-9 Obedience School sent in by Lumpy. (7:26)
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There are some jewels in the Lost Episodes of the Carol Burnett Show, like this one where Harvey Korman tries to keep a straight face but failing miserably as he and Tim Conway work an undercover assignment. Clicking HERE will let you spy on them. (1:38)
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If you were a fan of Tim Conway and Harvey Korman you may want to watch this 2002 Larry King interview where the comedic duo discuss their careers and recall some of their favorite skits from the Carol Burnett Show. Harvey died in May of 2008 at the age of 81 at the UCLA Medical Center from an aneurysm. Tim is still alive at the age of 83. Click HERE to watch the interview.
About that change in your pocket or purse:
Did you know that 1964 and older American dimes, quarters, halves and dollars contain 90% silver? Beginning in 1965 the silver content of American coins was reduced to 40%. As of today (Aug. 1, 2017) the price of silver is $16.80 an ounce. That means the coins listed below are worth many times their face value. You may want to check the dates on the dimes, quarters and half dollars you come across and set aside any that were minted in 1964 or earlier. Remember, if you find any of the coins listed in the table below, they and worth far more than their face value. And as strange as it may sound, they are referred to as “Junk Silver.” Enter those two words in the YouTube search field and you will find some very interesting videos.
Click HERE for more information.
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This little guy’s name is Bruiser, and having him as a pet isn’t much different than having a friendly dog. Have a LOOK at him and his zoo mates. (3:48)
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Here is another heartwarming story from the Hope for Paws rescue organization. THIS one that was posted to YouTube two weeks ago involves a Mom and several newly born puppies. 3:33)
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Don’t query us about this clip. All we know is that it was posted on YouTube a couple of days ago (July 30th) and that it takes place in France. We also know that the mass feeding of raw chicken to all these dogs draws a crowd of onlookers you can hear in the background. Are THESE dogs being raised for hunting? We have no idea. If you know what’s going on let us know. (14:19)
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How would your pet feline react to this robot cat? Could it be the perfect companion, or would it freak out YOUR cat? (1:03)
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One or two of you smart-ass guys are probably going to send in an email saying that this Orangutan didn’t “rescue” THIS baby bird. You’re likely to say he “caught” it because it was lunch time and he was hungry! The cynicism of some of you guys never ceases to amaze us! ;-) (1:39)
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As much as I hate to admit it, I’m closer to THIS Chimp in terms of intelligence than I want to admit because I can see myself reacting just like the furry little guy. (2:20)
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Have you ever seen a Pelican that was so tame it would allow you to strap a GoPro camera on its beak? Here’s one that became the pet of a guy in Tanzania who TAUGHT the big bird how to fish. (3:06)
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For something rather unusual, here we have a little bird grooming itself with a Q-Tip? Check THIS out. (0:42)
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“Cut the tree down with me in it? You wouldn’t dare,” said the tree hugger. “Oh yeah?” said the guy with the chain saw. “Watch THIS.” (0:56)
As some of you may have suspected, this was staged. Click HERE, then move the cursor to the 7 minute mark.
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Did these pirates attack the wrong ship? Click HERE and find out. Trust us, you are going to be surprised! (2:07)
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This firm but fair judge has quite a following in Providence, Rhode Island. Click HERE and see why. (4:33)
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Question of the day: Do the passenger compartments of large passenger jets like those in THIS video smell the same after a crosswind landing in stormy weather as they did before? Note that some of these had to abort and go around. (9:23)
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Here are some very impressive fly-bys of a B-1 Bomber with its afterburners lit at the recent AirVenture Air Show in Oshkosh, WI, courtesy of Dirk Parsons. The B-1 is the same plane the U.S. flew over the Korean Peninsula along with fighter jets from Japan and South Korea last week as a message to that insane North Korean child-leader who wants us dead. Clicking HERE will take you to the clip. (2:38)
Clicking on THIS link will take you to another AirVenture contribution from Dirk. This one shows some crazy flying performed by a Swedish pilot in a Chinook twin-rotor helicopter. (4:43)
And for those of you familiar with operation of light aircraft, Dirk provided the following:
AirVenture 2017 wrapped up on July 30th. While statistics are still being compiled, last year's (2016) airshow was attended by approximately 563,000 people with 10,000 aircraft landing during the event's eight days.
With nearly every type of aircraft imaginable often landing every 10-15 seconds, air traffic controllers were kept busy to say the least. There are typically about a dozen controllers in the tower, and they are the best of the best who come from all over the country to work the airshow.
Click HERE to listen to the controllers and pilots at work
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Adding to the popular “People Are Awesome” series of videos is this new one that represents the best of the year so far in 2017. Phenomenal is the only way to describe what some of these people are capable of doing. Click HERE and see for yourself. (5:04)
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In a similar vein, a new series has also become popular viewing on YouTube. THIS video that is closing in on 3 million views is titled People Are Insane (Suicide Edition). (3:50)
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If you suffer from acrophobia (fear of heights) you will probably want to skip THIS earlier installment of People Are Insane. Seriously! (15:36)
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This week’s closer explains the popularity of country-western singer Garth Brooks. My late wife and I became instant fans when we attended one of his concerts at the Arco Arena in Sacramento back in the 1990s, and I found THIS segment from a later concert especially moving. Stick with it to the end and watch what how he ends his performance. (4:10)
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Pic of the Week
Such is life when your wife gives birth to quadruplets (a/k/a quads)...
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 8/3/17
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
To receive the email address of anyone on the list -- or to receive the roster with all of the email addresses -- send your request to <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark "Mo"
O'Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve