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THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
San Jose Police Academy Class Largest in 10 Years
By Robert Salonga <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Mercury News — June 16, 2017
The latest academy numbers for the San Jose Police Department are evoking memories of the agency’s salad days of exactly a decade ago, marking what brass hope will be continued growth after several years of steady reduction.
The class that begins this week boasts 54 recruits, the most for an SJPD academy since 2007, when the department topped 1,400 officers and was coming off a multi-year stint when San Jose claimed status as the nation’s safest big city. A similar class size was reached in 2013, but that was born from a backlog of applicants following a three-year academy freeze, and ultimately 43 reached graduation.
“We’ve been rising slowly and steadily,” police Chief Eddie Garcia said. “What this signifies is that we’re back. It’s tangible and symbolic at the same time.”
officers line up for the start of the graduation
ceremony for the San Jose Police Department’s Academy
28 at the Fairmont Hotel in April. The class had 27 graduates.
The latest class has 54 recruits, the most since 2007.
But there’s still a way to go: The department is authorized to have 1,109 officers. When the new class graduates, it will field 983 officers. The chief said he is encouraged by the fact that between the two current academies and a crop of recent graduates from April who are currently in field training, as many as 110 officers are in the pipeline.
That should more than offset anticipated officer retirements, providing a much-needed net gain. That momentum has allowed a “great department to thrive again,” Mayor Sam Liccardo said in a statement.
“I’d like to thank all of these new recruits for answering the call to serve our community and to keep our neighborhoods safe,” Liccardo said.
The new class joins the force after a decade marked largely by protracted political battles over pension, pay and disability benefits between the city and police union. That was seemingly resolved by an agreement earlier this year that will enact significant officer pay increases over the next three years.
“The size of this academy validates our collective efforts to restore our police department to try and keep our neighborhoods safe,” Sgt. Paul Kelly, president of the San Jose Police Officers’ Association, said in a statement. “It has been a long slog and there is still much work to be done, but after years of strife, our department is headed in the right direction.”
While recognizing upward staffing trajectories that couldn’t have been imagined two or three years ago, Garcia also thanks officers who endured years of understaffing that stretched the ranks tight as a drum. Because even with 983 total officers, the department is still fielding its lowest numbers since the mid-1980s, which was the last time that the rank-and-file numbered below 1,000.
“As excited as I am for these growing academies, I am even more thankful for the men and women who stuck it out,” he said. “I will never forget the men and women who stayed here through the dark times.”
Those dark times were as recent as a year ago, when the department graduated an academy class of seven officers. The darkness has also entailed a contracted investigative bureau, diminished traffic enforcement unit, and a patrol staff that still needs to assign 160 overtime shifts a month to keep the city minimally protected.
Garcia hopes that the infusion of officers will not only help the department beef up key functions such as patrol, but to restore its ability to pay attention to “quality-of-life” problems like drug dealing and prostitution.
“We do the big things well, but those little things, like those neighborhood nuisance calls that take us 20 minutes to get to, we’ll carve that down,” he said. “We can grow our traffic unit to 40 to 50 officers like it used to be instead of five or six. Restore our undercover burglary unit.”
But Garcia is careful not to look too far ahead.
“We’ve been a boat taking on water, and the leaks have been stopped, we’re bailing the water out now,” he said. “But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.”
The following missive is in reference to last week’s item about retired SJPD Capt. Steve D’Arcy’s appearance on the Investigation Discovery channel...
Have I aged in 23 years, hell yes! Two of my grandkids are in High School. And no TV career is in store for any of us baby boomers; the world belongs to the Generation X’ers.
I retired from the Placer Co. S/O ten years ago and have been teaching Criminal Justice classes at Sacramento State since. I run the Crime Lab at CSUS and the Investigation Channel Channel filmed a segment at the school. I did it as a favor for the Sacramento Co. D/A's office and to get some publicity for my CJ Department at CSUS. Funny thing is, they never mentioned the University and even blurred out the name of the school on my shirt. So much for my 15 seconds of fame.
Keep smiling and God Bless!
Steve (D’Arcy) <email@example.com>
Farsider File Photo
• • • • •
We have a few of this year’s LETR (Law Enforcement Torch Run) T-shirts available in sizes S, M, XL & 2XL at $15.00 each, and Runners shirts (Dry wick) for $25.00 each, sizes S — 3XL available. All are on a first come basis.
Checks to be made payable to SONC. For cash or pick up of shirts see Cynthia in GIU. Mail payment to: Cynthia Theobald C/O SJPD - GIU, 201 W. Mission Street Sam Jose, CA 95110.
Cynthia Theobald, SJPD GIU 408-537-1270 <CYNTHIA.THEOBALD@sanjoseca.gov>
• • • • •
I have believed the hype that Global Warming is real and that much of it is man-made because I have repeatedly heard reports that over 90 percent of scientists claim it is. But now I’m not so sure. This is a video of scientists John Coleman, who founded the Weather Channel, explaining why and how that 90 percent figure came to be. What do you think?
Talking Points <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Offering an opinion about Global Warming is akin to doing the same on gun control, abortion, immigration and a host of other controversial subjects. Suffice to say, I have always believed there was a financial motive for many scientists to agree that Global Warming was real and that man was responsible since so much of their funding came from the government starting back in the Al Gore days. And it looks like the founder of the Weather Channel and I are on the same page. HERE is your video, TP:
• • • • •
“Marty Robbins was one of my favorite artists when I worked as a DJ on KEEN radio back in the ‘80s. His son Ronny sounds a lot like him.”
Dirk (Parsons) <email@example.com>
Dirk is a long-time subscriber and frequent contributor to the Farsider, and we totally agree. Here is the son singing one of Marty’s iconic songs. (The 57-year-old country singer died from surgical complications in 1982.)
Click HERE to travel back to 1959 when “El Paso” reached #1 on the charts. (3:25)
IT'S NEXT WEDNESDAY, BRING YOUR APPETITES
$20 TRILLION OF U.S. DEBT VISUALIZED USING STACKS OF $100 BILLS
We dare you to click on THIS link and see what 20 trillion dollars looks like in $100 bills. We’ll give you a preview starting with $100, then $10,000 and 1,000,000. We can guarantee you will have a difficult time comprehending $20 trillion which is just about where we are today in terms of our national debt. If you show THIS to your grandchildren they may want to crawl back into the womb.
UNDERSTANDING WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO SURVIVE
I admit to being a regular reader of syndicated columnist Victor Davis Hanson, not because of his political ideology, but because his columns make so much sense. Having said that, I believe this is only the second or third time over the past several years I thought it was worthwhile to pass along his column You don’t have to be on the Right or the Left to agree with his views; you just need to have some common sense…
a Sharply Divided America Still Survive?
By Victor Davis Hanson, Syndicated Columnist
Mercury News — June 16, 2017
The United States is currently the world’s oldest democracy.
But America is no more immune from collapse than were some of history’s most stable and impressive consensual governments.
Fifth-century Athens, Republican Rome, Renaissance Florence and Venice, and many of the elected governments of early 20th-century Western European states eventually destroyed themselves, went bankrupt or were overrun by invaders.
The United States is dividing as rarely before.
Half the country, mostly liberal America, is concentrated in 146 of the nation’s more than 3,000 counties — in an area that collectively represents less than 10 percent of the U.S. land mass. The other half, the conservative Red states of the interior, is geographically, culturally, economically, politically and socially at odds with Blue-state America.
The two Americas watch different news.
They read very different books, listen to different music and watch different television shows. Increasingly, they now live lives according to two different traditions.
Barack Obama was elected president after compiling the most left-wing voting record in the U.S. Senate. His antidote, Donald Trump, was elected largely on the premise that traditional Republicans were hardly conservative.
Red America and Blue America are spiraling into divisions approaching those of 1860, or of the nihilistic hippie/straight divide of 1968.
Currently, 27 percent of all Californians were not born in the United States.
More than 40 million foreign-born immigrants currently reside in the United States — the highest number in history.
Yet widely unchecked immigration comes at a time when the country has lost confidence in its prior successful adherence to melting-pot assimilation and integration. The ultimate result is a fragmenting of society into tribal cliques that vie for power, careers and influence based on ethnic solidarity rather than shared Americanness.
History is not very kind to multicultural chaos — as opposed to a multiracial society united by a single national culture. The fates of Rwanda, Iraq and the former Yugoslavia should instruct us. Either the U.S. will return to a shared single language and allegiance to a common and singular culture, or it will eventually descend into clannish violence. Does the unique American idea of federalism still work, with state rights and laws subordinate to federal law? We fought a Civil War that cost more than 600,000 lives in part to uphold the idea that individual states could not override the federal government.
Yet sanctuary cities declare that they can freely nullify federal law. The California Senate passed a bill earlier this month that would prohibit the state from contracting with any firms that work on the federal government’s wall at the border with Mexico.
States such as California vow that they will ignore Washington and work directly with foreign nations to promote their own policies on global warming. Read carefully what some prominent Californians are saying about the federal government: It is not much different from what influential Confederate South Carolinians boasted about in 1860 on the eve of secession. The national debt has almost doubled over the last eight years and at nearly $20 trillion is unsustainable.
America’s infrastructure and military are vastly underfunded, even though some voters want more subsidies for themselves and apparently others to pay for them. America’s once-preeminent colleges and universities are fatally compromised. Universities charge far too much, resist reform, expect exemption from accountability, and assume their students must take on huge amounts of debt. Yet campuses can’t guarantee that their graduates are competently educated or that they will find jobs.
Behind the guise of campus activism and non-negotiable demands is the reality that too many students simply are unprepared to do their assigned work. America barely survived the Civil War of 1861-65, the Great Depression of 1929-39, and the rioting and protests of the 1960s. But today’s growing divides are additionally supercharged by instant internet and social media communications, 24/7 cable news, partisan media and the denigration of America’s past traditions.
All Americans need to take a deep breath, step back and rein in their anger. Things are bad now. But our history suggests that if we are not careful, they can get even worse.
ARRESTS MADE IN VICIOUS BEATING OF BORDER PATROL AGENT
Most of those who follow LEO news are aware than an off-duty Border Patrol Agent was kidnapped last week and viciously attacked with a machete. Two subjects with long records — one an illegal alien — have since been arrested. This is the story as reported by Blue Lives Matter. The mainstream media seems to have little interest in the details of the crime and subsequent arrests...
By Cowgirl — June 20, 2017
Suspects Arrested In Attack On Border Patrol Agent
Dona Ana County, NM – Two men, Sergio Ivan Venegas-Quinonez, 33, and Fernando Puga, 31, have been arrested in the June 9 kidnapping and brutal attack on an off-duty U.S. Border Patrol agent, according to KFOXTV.
Sergio Vanegas-Quinonez (left) and Fernando Puga (right)
were arrested for the brutal assault of a Border Patrol Agent.
The arrests are the result of an investigation led by the FBI, involving 125 federal agents and other law enforcement officers from the El Paso Police Department, Socorro Police Department, Horizon City Police Department, the Texas Department of Public Safety, U.S. Customs and Border Protection, and the Drug Enforcement Administration, according to the Las Cruces Sun-News.
The Border Patrol agent, Lorenzo Hernandez, age 30, was found about midnight along the side of the road off Shalem Colony Trail west of Las Cruces, New Mexico.
He had serious injuries to his head, chest, and arms, and was transported to University Medical Center in El Paso, where he is listed in critical condition. Additional medical examination showed that Hernandez had ‘internal brain bleeding, a fractured skull, multiple lacerations to his chest, and two partially amputated fingers on his right hand.’
The incident began earlier that day, June 9, when Hernandez was helping his mother at her tamale stand in northeast El Paso.
In a statement, Hernandez said the two suspects approached him, and said their car had broken down. He agreed to give the men a ride to a nearby gas station, although his mother urged him not to, saying “something didn’t feel right.”
Hernandez told his mother he was fine and would be ‘right back.' They left in his car with one suspect in the front passenger seat, and the other suspect in the back seat.
After a few minutes, the men pulled out a gun and a machete, and told him to follow their orders. He said that they drove into New Mexico, and ‘stopped at a water canal.’ Hernandez said the men told him to get out of his car, and when he did, he said he went after the suspect who had the gun.
The second man then began striking Hernandez with the machete, and he was so badly injured that he was unable to run or to try to get help.
The FBI said that Venegas-Quinonez and Puga forced Hernandez to drive his car 46 miles ‘to a semi-rural area about 100 yards from the Rio Grande, in the 6000 block of Shalem Colony Trail.’
When he did not return, his mother told deputies that she asked a friend to try to locate her son through a locator app on his cellphone’. It ‘pinged’ on I-10, north of Mesquite.
On that same night, about 11:40 PM, a Dona Ana County deputy was dispatched to Paradise Trail near Shalem Colony Trail. He found a man lying by the side of the road, seriously injured, who was identified shortly after as Hernandez.
Venegas-Quinonez was arrested at a construction site in El Paso on Tuesday afternoon, June 13, on outstanding warrants for aggravated battery causing great bodily harm and aggravated assault. He is in custody in the El Paso County Jail, awaiting extradition back to Dona Ana County.
He is a Mexican citizen and an illegal immigrant in this country, with nicknames of Solo Vino and Pedro.
Puga was arrested about 12:15 PM on Thursday, June 15, at the Community of Hope Center in Las Croces, by 10 law enforcement officers including the FBI, on warrants for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and attempted murder. He is in custody in the Dona Ana County jail and was initially under $1 million bond. His first court hearing was Friday, June 16, and his bond was reduced to $200,000 secured.
Puga, whose nickname is Cholo, has an extensive criminal history in Texas. Since 2003, he has been arrested numerous times including charges for aggravated robbery, burglary, evading arrest, marijuana possession, and assault on a family member, among other charges.
Federal kidnapping charges were filed against both suspects in El Paso on Friday June 16.
Our thoughts and prayers are with injured Border Patrol Agent.
You can subscribe to Blue Lives Matter by clicking HERE
STORIES OF THE WEEK
Loyalty in Marriage
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, his eyes filled with tears as he began to whisper:
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"You're bad luck, go away!”
• • • • •
Do you need to add the term “Rider” to your golf game?
Four ladies came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. They were a bit exhausted.
The pro asked, "Did you ladies have a good game today?"
The first lady said, "Oh, I had three riders today."
The second lady said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third lady said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last lady said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you proud of me?"
After they went into the ladies locker room, an elderly golfer that had heard the ladies telling of their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a 'rider'?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
• • • • •
decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room he
shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "San Jose State Spartans."
And they say blondes are dumb.
~ ~ ~
A couple is lying in bed when the man says, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you!"
~ ~ ~
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"That I married you for your money," she replied.
~ ~ ~
He said, "Honey, since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said, "Well, you succeeded."
~ ~ ~
He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
~ ~ ~
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
~ ~ ~
A man and his wife, now in their 60s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!
~ ~ ~
He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said, "That's a good idea. You do the ironing while I sit on the sofa and fart."
• • • • •
OK, Gentlemen, Line Up…
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
June 13 — 20
June 13: Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified in Congress today as part of the Russia investigation, and it wasn’t a good sign when they asked him if he swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, and he said [Russian accent], “Da.”
Jeff Sessions said he “doesn’t recall” having any meetings with Russians at the Mayflower. For those of you who don’t know, “doesn’t recall” is the Washington term meaning, “I definitely recall and I’m in trouble.”
A former spokesperson for President Bush tweeted that Trump should stop talking, because he’s heading towards a perjury trap. When Trump heard that and was like, “Perjury trap? That’s my favorite Lindsay Lohan movie!”
Tesla’s new Model X car just got the first ever perfect safety rating for an SUV. Now on one hand, that’s a great accomplishment; on the other, have no SUVs been safe until now?
New York lawmakers are going to reintroduce a proposal to legalize marijuana. When asked why they’re reintroducing it, they said, “Because we forgot we did it the first time.”
June 14: I saw that today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That’s right. When his staff saw him coming, they turned out the lights and hid — until he went away. “Whew, so close. We almost had to say, "Happy Birthday!”
He got a lot of birthday cards from different people. And we actually got our hands on a few of them. Let’s take a look at these. For example, here’s one from Vladimir Putin [shows card]. His card says, “It sounds like you had a great party.” Inside it says, “Based on our recordings from the Oval Office.”
Next one is from Sean Spicer. It says, “Today, I’m toasting to you.” And inside it says, “Because you’re the reason I drink every day.”
And finally, here’s one from George W. Bush. It says, “Here’s to you.” And inside it says, “For making me look like president of the century.”
During his testimony yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that he hasn’t been asked to do anything illegal by Trump since taking office. Then he said, “And frankly, I’m starting to feel a little left out.”
June 15: The Washington Post reports that President Trump is being investigated for obstruction of justice, which could wind up costing him the presidency. Trump was like, “OK, now give me the bad news.”
This morning Trump responded to an article on Twitter and called it a “phony story.” I guess at this point even Trump’s tired of saying “fake news.”
Fox News is dropping its slogan “fair and balanced.” Instead, it will be replaced with the more appropriate slogan “blondes and Hannity.”
National Geographic’s new slogan is “basically the Playboy Channel for chimpanzees.”
BBC America is changing their slogan to “dumber BBC.”
And finally, HGTV’s new slogan is “making you realize how many annoying couples exist.”
Kevin Durant says that President Obama sent him a text to congratulate him on winning his first championship this week. Meanwhile, LeBron got a text that said “loser.”
June 19: A new report just came out that says President Trump made $598 million in income last year. It sounds like a lot, but after taxes ... it was still $598 million.
Trump is running a fundraising contest where the winner gets to have dinner with him. James Comey was like, “Trust me, that is not a good prize. Don’t do it.”
This weekend, Trump took his first trip to Camp David. He spent the whole weekend walking around, exploring the property and looking for the Wi-Fi password. “I got to tweet! I got to tweet!”
I want to say congrats to Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who welcomed twins. The doctor said, “It’s a boy and a girl,” and the twins said, “It’s Jay-Z and Beyoncé! Oh, my gosh!”
People figured out they had a boy and a girl when they saw light blue and bright pink balloons being delivered. Incidentally, Light Blue and Bright Pink are also the names they’re considering for the babies.
June 20: The White House is reportedly taking Sean Spicer off of giving press briefings, and moving him to a “more senior role focused on strategy.” Which I think is the political version of saying someone’s moving to “a farm upstate.”
Actually, it turns out Spicer is leading the search for his own replacement. Trump would help — but he’s busy searching for HIS own replacement.
Steve Bannon apparently said that Spicer’s press briefings have been off camera lately because, quote, “Sean got fatter.” You know you’re in bad shape when Steve Bannon thinks you’ve let yourself go.
And with the Russia investigation getting bigger, I read that Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, “Talk to my lawyer.”
June 13: It’s rumored that President Trump’s upcoming trip to the U.K. is on hold because he’s worried about angry protests. I have to admit, of all the wars I thought Trump might restart, I wasn’t counting on “Revolutionary.”
It’s being reported that in the 2016 elections, Russia interfered with voting systems in at least 39 states. Which finally explains why the new governor of Wyoming is Anna Kournikova.
A new report just came out and it found that the employees at a Trump clothing factory in Indonesia are subject to low wages and verbal abuse. And even they wouldn’t change places with Sean Spicer.
After winning the NBA Championship the Golden State Warriors unanimously decided to skip the traditional visit to the White House. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “Wait, you can do that?”
Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said, “That’s great, they can take our place.”
Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner are being accused of stealing the ideas of other clothing designers. They’re also being accused of stealing YEARS OF OUR LIVES.
June 14: Fox News is dropping its famous tagline, “Fair and Balanced.” Fox News is swapping it for the more accurate tagline, “Paranoia and Ads for Cialis.”
Today, President Trump said the GOP healthcare bill that passed through the House was “mean” and “difficult to defend.” Then Trump said, “In other words, I love it.”
Today is President Trump’s birthday. Melania surprised him by still living in the White House.
Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. Trump received a card from Vladimir Putin that said, “I hope you’re enjoying the birthday present I gave you in November.”
There’s a new version of the Bible that has updated language that’s coming out. For example, it refers to Jesus’ disciples as “wingmen.”
Astronomers are now speculating that our sun may have had a long lost twin. So, it’s official: Our entire solar system is a telenovela.
An 18-year-old field-goal kicker could be the first woman to play in the NFL. Scouts say she has the talent and desire. All she needs now is the criminal record.
June 15: Vladimir Putin has offered asylum to former FBI Director James Comey. When she heard, Melania Trump said, “Hey, what about me?”
Experts say that if President Trump were to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, “Thursday.”
President Trump is under investigation for obstruction of justice. That was confirmed today when President Trump said he is NOT under investigation for obstruction of justice.
A United Airlines employee is under fire for pushing over a 71-year-old passenger. Or as the CEO of United put it, “We’re back, baby!”
Sunday is Father’s Day and the Trump kids are planning to give their father a tie. It’ll be the first time in a while that Trump has a tie that’s not linked to Russia.
June 19: Yesterday, President Trump’s lawyer insisted that Trump is not under investigation. He added, “And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer.”
The Discovery Channel announced that Michael Phelps will compete against a shark in a swimming race. Meanwhile, Ryan Lochte will compete against a shark in a spelling bee.
The Supreme Court ruled that a company has the legal right to have an offensive name. In other words, Trump Tower is going to stay Trump Tower.
June 20: Yesterday, the U.S. experienced a series of internet outages. Things got so bad we momentarily surpassed China in productivity.
A new study just came out and it found that after a few months of Donald Trump, most Americans now have a favorable view of President George W. Bush. When reached for comment, the ghost of Richard Nixon said, “Here I come, baby.”
There’s a rumor that the White House is going to find a new place for Press Secretary Sean Spicer. All they told Spicer was “it’s on a big farm upstate where you can run and play with all the other press secretaries…”
In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders.”
June 13: Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. This is the former NBA player and reality TV star’s fourth visit with leader Kim Jong Un, who’s been clashing with Donald Trump lately over nuclear testing. You know you’re living in strange times when the news involves Dennis Rodman, the leader of North Korea, the president of the United States — and Dennis Rodman is the one who’s the least crazy.
We have to congratulate the Golden State Warriors for winning the NBA Championship last night. It was absolutely incredible. Trump was confused because he thought the NBA Championship was like the presidential election and the second-place finisher is declared the winner. “LeBron, it’s the president. Congratulations.”
There are rumors going around already that the Warriors have voted unanimously to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump. Trump was very understanding. He was like, “Look, I get it. I skip going to the White House whenever I can, too.”
June 14: It is President Donald Trump’s birthday today, he’s 71 years old today. I’m just glad, I’m glad Donald Trump can finally have a day where he’s the center of attention.
It must be hard to shop for Trump. What do you get the man who has everything? I know, I know something he doesn’t have, the popular vote.
Now of course, turning 71 is a big occasion. To celebrate, I think Trump should take the day off, I do — and the week, and the month, and the next four years.
In other Trump news, in a meeting with Republican senators, the president reportedly told members of Congress that he feels the Republican healthcare bill is not generous enough and is “mean.” Who talks like that, who says “mean”? He talks like he’s gossiping at a junior high dance. After that he called the guys who drafted the bill a bunch of basic b---hes.
Trump says the bill needs to be less mean and more generous. In other words, it needs to be Obamacare.
In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news?
But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment.
A French fashion label is now offering a pair of $570 jeans that come without a butt. There’s nothing in the butt. I have got to tell you, these jeans are a great way of telling your friends and coworkers that your father never paid enough attention to you.
They should call these Republican healthcare jeans because there is barely any coverage.
June 15: It was revealed yesterday that the FBI is now investigating President Donald Trump for obstruction of justice. I don’t know if Trump obstructed justice, but I’ll tell you what he has obstructed — my ability to talk about anything other than Trump every night on this show. Let’s be honest: That’s the real crime, isn’t it?
I don’t want to be doing this! I want to be talking about whether or not Beyoncé’s had her twins yet. Where are they?
But I guess this investigation is also a big deal. Democrats are hoping that this will lead to impeachment. Republicans, on the other hand, are secretly hoping ... that this will lead to impeachment.
How do you guys think the president of the United States responded to these very serious allegations? If you guessed “on Twitter,” I’m sorry to report that you were correct.
This morning Donald Trump tweeted: “They made up a phony collusion with the Russian story, found zero proof, so now they go with obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice.” Donald Trump is the first president to make regular use of the sarcastic “nice,” isn’t he? You never heard FDR go, “This is a date which will live in infamy. Nice.”
Although, Bill Clinton did use “nice,” but it was different. It was when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. [winks] Nice.”
Trump also tried to deflect the allegations by going after Hillary Clinton — again. This afternoon, he posted: “Crooked H destroyed phones with hammer, bleached emails and had husband meet with AG days before she was cleared — and they talk about obstruction?” Now just so you know, I don’t understand what this means either. But let’s go through it piece by piece. Let’s start with “Crooked H.” Now, I think he’s talking about Hillary, but Crooked H could also be a member of the Wu Tang Clan.
“Crooked H” sounds like how someone would describe the letter “K” if they forgot what it was called
Next, he said she bleached her emails. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Sometimes, before a really hot date night with my wife, I’ll go get my email bleached. It’s a courtesy to your partner.
The real question is: Why is Donald Trump still tweeting about Hillary? Seriously, Donald Trump is that guy who swears he’s over his ex, but then spends the entire night telling you exactly how over her he is.
June 19: The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.”
I hope everyone had a good Father’s Day. Or as the Trump children call it, a day.
There have been more legal problems for Donald Trump. One of the president’s lawyers claimed over the weekend that Trump is not under investigation. Which should come as a surprise to Trump, because he tweeted this out a couple of days ago: “I am being investigated.”
This can’t be easy for Trump’s lawyers. Like, they’re representing someone who lies even more than they do. And lying is their job.
June 20: On Monday, Donald Trump met with the president of Panama and bragged that the U.S. built the Panama Canal. Trump’s bringing up a project from 100 years ago like he had something to do with it. So I guess if he never builds his border wall, he can always take credit for the one in China.
This is basically the only thing Trump knows about Panama. He meets someone from Panama and says, “Hey — canal.” He meets someone from France and says, “Hey — baguettes.” He meets someone from Russia and says, “Hey — thanks for helping me with that whole beating Hillary thing.”
Trump’s war with the press continues. Yesterday, reporters were blocked from recording video or audio during the White House press briefing. Which is incredible. When asked why cameras and recording devices were not allowed in the press briefings, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said... [moment of silence] I mean, I don’t know. I can’t make this any clearer. Nothing was recorded in there.
June 14: Donald Trump turned 71 today. At the White House, they had a little party for the president. They played pin the blame on the press secretary.
Melania jumped out of a cake and made a run for it.
Vladimir Putin didn’t show up but he, you know, gave Trump his present back in November.
71 years ago, Donald Trump was just a little baby, with little hands and feet, going wah-wah-wah all day long. And nothing has really changed since then.
There’s a major report from the Washington Post just a couple of hours ago. It says that the special counsel led by Robert Mueller is now officially looking into whether President Trump attempted to obstruct justice in his dealings with James Comey. As far as presidential birthday presents go, not exactly Marilyn Monroe singing to JFK. But I like to imagine Trump found out about this just as Sean Spicer was handing him his birthday present.
The president had an interesting lunch yesterday with Republican senators where he had some surprisingly strong criticism of the Republican healthcare bill. He called the bill “mean, cold-hearted, and a son of a bitch.” He does know the bill is not Bill Cosby or Bill O’Reilly, right?
June 15: Remember when Donald Trump said he would give up tweeting when he became president? That was funny. That was a good one.
The president woke up bright and early this morning, the day after what had to be his worst birthday ever. He woke up, walked down the hall to Melania’s bedroom, the door was locked. So he went downstairs, punched Sean Spicer in the stomach, wrestled the phone out of his little pink hands and tweeted about this special investigation into him.
Yesterday we learned that the president is being investigated by a special counsel led by Robert Mueller for possible obstruction of justice. So this morning at 7:57 a.m., Trump tweeted, “You are witnessing the single greatest witch hunt in American political history led by some very bad and conflicted people. #MAGA.” He’s even making witch hunts great again!
I don’t think witches play golf every weekend. The way we’ll know Trump is a witch is when the White House falls on top of him and we see his feet curl up.
Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market.
And two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor.
“Where’s Waldo?” they think is for Kim Jong Un’s daughter, who I think is 5 years old. They love American books in North Korea. They adapt them to suit the North Korean lifestyle. There’s “Good Night Un,” “Oh the Places You’ll Never Go,” “The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Millions of Other People.”
It really is amazing Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un are friends. Especially considering Kim Jong Un doesn’t speak English and Dennis Rodman doesn’t speak English.
June 19: I don’t know if we should have cards for Father’s Day. For Mother’s Day, they’re sweet with nice messages. Father’s Day cards fit into four major categories [shows cards]: golf, fishing, barbecue, beer.
And beer. And beer. And beer and beer. [shows card that reads “Beer Is the Answer”] What kind of message is this? “Dad, you are a potbellied drunk and we’re sending you to rehab after you finish mowing the lawn.” We need to mix it up a little. Either the cards need to change, or we do.
Over the weekend it was reported the president is planning to appoint the person who will oversee billions of dollars as head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development for the states of New York and New Jersey. And that person is — drum roll, please — his son Eric’s wedding planner! For real, she planned his wedding. I guess she did a good job.
Her name is Lynne Patton. She has no experience in urban or housing development but has incredible reviews on Yelp. Almost five stars. And she really knows her way around a centerpiece.
June 20: Summer officially begins tonight. So if you’re wondering why your kids stopped going to school, that’s probably the reason.
It was 119 degrees in Phoenix, Arizona, today. It was too hot to fly. They couldn’t take off because I guess the wheels would melt on the tarmac. People were so desperate for air conditioning, dozens of them actually went to go see that “Baywatch” movie.
It was 117 in Las Vegas. When it hits 117 in Vegas, that’s when the strippers really have it figured out. They’re like, look at you idiots in clothes, we’re wearing nothing. We’re at work.
The state of California has what they call “pay to stay” jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. For $100 a night an inmate can get a semi-private room, single showers, and they can make phone calls whenever they want. Like a hotel. Just don’t ask where the mint on your pillow has been.
June 13: Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray.”] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read.
A new poll found that only 37 percent of voters think President Trump is honest. Or as Trump put it — 100 percent.
Uber CEO Travis Kalanick announced today that he is taking a leave of absence from the company. But he’ll be back in three minutes — no wait, hold on, now it’s saying five minutes. Six? Oh, no! Canceled?!
A new survey shows that men are four times more likely than women to take their cellphone out during a wedding or a funeral. While women are more likely to take their cellphone out during an argument. “I’ll tell you exactly what you said!”
Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle.
Starbucks announced yesterday that it will be teaming up with Lady Gaga to release a line of summer drinks — to wear.
June 14: Happy Birthday to President Trump, who turned 71 today. So, the president is a man in his 70s who wants a golf score in the 60s, his country in the '50s and a wife in her 20s.
Fox News has announced it is dropping its slogan “Fair and Balanced.” For the same reason United dropped “Fly the Friendly Skies.”
According to reports, since President Trump won the Republican nomination, the majority of Trump real estate sales have been to “secretive buyers” who use corporate entities to avoid revealing their names. But I’m pretty sure we all know who’s behind Plad Vutin LLC.
Following Monday’s first official cabinet meeting, the secretary of Veterans Affairs said that President Trump does not “script” the cabinet members, adding, quote, “We’re given the ability to say what’s on our mind.” Which explains why Ben Carson said, “Cucumber luggage hula hoop.”
June 15: President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit.
The Senate today passed a bill that imposes new sanctions on Russia and allows Congress to stop President Trump from repealing them. Wow, even Congress doesn’t trust him. He’s like a 15-year-old kid who still gets a babysitter.
A company is offering a new service that will allow personal photos to be printed on swim trunks. “So it’ll just look like I’m naked?” asked Anthony Weiner.
Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them.
Ikea recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection, because what goes together better than Ikea furniture and an open flame?
June 19: During a meeting with the president of Panama today, President Trump said, “We did a good job building the Panama Canal,” despite the fact that the canal was constructed over a century ago. Mr. President, if you’re going to keep saying stuff this dumb in front of other world leaders, could you at least wear a big bandage on your head? You know, so it seems like there’s a reason.
Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly seen dancing this weekend at a wedding in Washington, D.C. Gotta say, I’m impressed. If I had read that many of Anthony Weiner’s emails, I don’t think I’d ever dance again.
The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda.
According to a new survey, about 1 in 5 dads said they feel guilty about not being present enough with their children. Then again, 1 out of 5 dads is all they could find.
Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties.
Joe 20: According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?”
“Batman and Robin” came out 20 years ago today. But we always kinda suspected.
Qatar Airways today was named “Airline of the Year” at the Paris Air Show. While United was named “Heavyweight Champion” by the WWE.
Today was National Vanilla Milkshake Day. Or as Mike Pence calls it, “Spicy Tuesday!”
June 14: It’s Donald Trump’s birthday. Seventy-one candles on that cake. Although, Trump later said it was “over a million candles. Most candles ever.”
Two hundred Democrats got together to give the president something he might like. But instead, they’re suing Trump over foreign payments to his businesses. At least they got together to give him this card: “Congratulations, birthday boy, you’ve been served.”
June 19: Last week, The Washington Post reported that the president was under investigation for obstruction of justice — but, of course, that is just speculation from a hostile newspaper using anonymous sources, so Donald Trump did the smart thing and made no comment. I’m just kidding.
On Friday, he tweeted, “I am being investigated for firing the FBI director by the man who told me to fire the FBI director! Witch hunt.” Mr. President, you know the phrase “You better lawyer up?” It’s short for “You better get a lawyer — and shut up.”
Because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein was in on talks about firing Comey, he may need to recuse himself from the Russia probe. He would be the third member of this investigation to be gone, after Attorney General Jeff sessions and former FBI Director James Comey. It’s all in the latest season of “Survivor: Justice Department Island.”
June 20: Today, in Las Vegas, the forecast was a record 117. Also the average age of people at the nickel slots.
And today, temperatures are expected to reach 127 degrees in Death Valley. But, it’s a dry death.
It’s so hot that the cartoon sun from the weather reports is staying home in the air conditioning.
The temperature is so high in Phoenix, Arizona, that flights are being canceled because it’s too hot for planes. Because at higher temperatures, the air has a lower density, which reduces how much lift is generated. Scientists first realized this was a problem when they saw birds taking the bus north for summer.
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for the most current update.
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If someone can explain how THIS magic act on America’s Got Talent received from Alice Murphy was performed, please let us know. It’s got Simon Cowell and us totally baffled. (3:26)
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This ad for a new product isn’t so much about magic as it is about excellent engineering. Have a LOOK. (1:08)
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Have you ever received a hug from a Big Bird? No, we’re not referring to Jim “Big Bird” Spence. We’re talking about an enormous Condor, the largest flying bird in the Americas. (Ostriches don’t fly.) This one’s life was saved by an Argentina rancher years before this video clip was taken, and the bird routinely returns to the ranch to thank the rancher. Click HERE to view the clip, then click on “More” under the screen for more information. (1:33)
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Say “Hi” to Rhea, the naked Lovebird. Although SHE is featherless, don’t feel sorry for her. She receives lovin’ from people all over the world. (1:48)
Want to see more? Here is Rhea making HER first TV appearance at Boston University. (2:54)
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This Volkswagen ad for its Trailer Assist device is a real laffer. Click HERE and see if you agree. (1:00)
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Looks to us that the thin line between Humans and the Great Apes is getting thinner and thinner. Watch THIS short clip and see if you don’t agree. (1:09)
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Watch as this little lion cub learns a wet lesson it will never forget. In fact, it will tell you all about it. LISTEN up. (1:59)
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One of the positive things about the Internet is that it has probably PROVIDED a higher level of appreciation for the Animal Kingdom for many people. Don’t worry about the baby elephant pictured below; mamma and brother or sister COME to its rescue. (2:15)
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This clip from Dirk Parsons shows some Boeing test pilots putting the new 787-10 Dreamliner and the new 737 MAX 9 through their paces together. The difference in size between the two AIRCRAFT is remarkable, and the quality of the video like several other Boeing videos you can find on YouTube is stunning. (2:04)
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Speaking of Boeing, here’s a question for you aviation aficionados: Can a B-52 bomber fly without its tail fin? Most people with a background in aviation would say not a chance. I had the opportunity to watch this 16mm film back in the mid ‘60s when I was in the Air Force. That someone had digitized the film and posted it on YouTube a few years ago provided me with a deja vu moment. The pic below was taken from a chase plane that had been launched to assist the bomber after severe turbulence cause the tail fin to fail. Those who say a BUFF (B-52) cannot fly without its tail fin should watch THIS. (10:05)
• • • • •
“OK, Captain, we need to know if the
B-24 is survivable in a forced water landing. I want you to take your crew and
ditch your Liberator in the river. If you survive, it's OK to comb your hair for
the camera, but none of those wussy high fives or
fist bumps, got that?"
• • • • •
This young lady’s name is Katherine, and she has a mind like no other. Or very few at the most. Rather than explain what makes her unique, watch THIS segment from “Little Big Shots” with Steve Harvey. (4:35)
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This is for those of you familiar with the game of Snooker. It’s a little like pool, but with a bigger table. smaller balls and smaller pockets. It’s also much more difficult than pool to sink a ball. WATCH as Ronnie O’Sullivan runs the table and never gives his competitor the opportunity to take a shot. (4:56)
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“You can’t shoplift here!”
She: “Yeah? Why not?”
And it goes downhill from THERE. (4:44)
• • • • •
C’mon, Detroit. You’ve had 90 years to perfect THIS and solve one of the problems associated with parking. (1:22)
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Have you ever made a car stop and heard noise coming from the trunk as shown in THIS clip received from Lumpy? (1:38)
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Yes, we are fully aware that it’s not socially acceptable to laugh or otherwise feel good about other people’s misfortunes, but when it comes to show offs doing burnouts on public streets, that statement no longer applies. In other words, feel free to laugh at THESE idiots. But first a word of warning: If you are uneasy about the use of the F Bomb and other socially unacceptable words, we suggest you mute the audio. (8:35)
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This humorous clip from Dirk Parsons will only take a few seconds of your time. It shows a Ferrari making its grand entrance on the auction block, but the driver braked a little too HARD on the carpet covering the stage. (0:24)
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It would almost be worth a trip to Switzerland to ride THIS mountain coaster; the key word in that sentence being “almost.” It’s about as close as you can come to riding a bobsled down an icy course without the ice. (2:09)
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Over 6 million YouTubers have viewed this demonstration by the Crazy Russian Hacker on how to escape from Zip Ties. While the technique works if tied from the front, having them tied in the back is a different matter, even though some people are flexible enough to reposition THEIR arms from the back to the front. (2:45)
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This week’s closer takes us around the world and shows us some amazing places on our planet, courtesy of Alice Murphy. The video was posted in 4K Ultra HD and is titled "2016 Rewind" (2016 in Review). If you have personally visited more than a handful of these venues, consider yourself very, very fortunate. If you still are adding to your Bucket List, consider some of THESE sites. (13:30)
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Pic of the Week
This week's tip for men:
Do NOT take phone messages for your wife or significant other...
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 6/22/17
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
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Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark "Mo"
O'Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve