The Farsider is an independent
publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience
of the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association's Board of Directors or its membership.
SJPD HONORS ITS FALLEN OFFICERS
SJPD holds its Fallen Officer Memorial a week earlier than National Police Week, which falls on May 14-20 this year. We will recognize our fallen as well as all former SJPD sworn and non-sworn personnel who have passed in next week’s Farsider. The following article is from today's paper…
Honoring Fallen Police Officers
Decker, mother of fallen officer Michael Johnson, tears
up on Wednesday during the annual Fallen Officer Memorial
Ceremony at the San Jose Police Department. Johnson was shot
and killed by a gunman while on duty on March 24, 2015.
Robert Salonga <email@example.com>
Mercury News — May 4, 2017
SAN JOSE — Every year, police ring two bells in honor of each officer who gave his life for the cause of protecting the city.
More bells have tolled each of the past two years, which each saw a San Jose Police Department officer killed in the line of duty.
Michael Katherman was the latest entry at the annual memorial held at police headquarters Wednesday, honoring a life that ended June 14, 2016 when he and his police motorcycle were the casualties of a van driver’s hasty left turn on North 10th Street.
“Michael J. Katherman, badge 3900,” Sgt. Paul Fontaine said during the final read-out of fallen officers. “After being struck by an errant motorist while he was conducting traffic enforcement on his police motorcycle.”
Friends and family of Katherman, as well as those of the other 12 officers who have died on the job, were honored guests of the day of remembrance.
“I thank all of our officers who have paid the ultimate sacrifice,” said Councilman Raul Peralez, a former SJPD officer. “For that, we will be forever grateful.”
Officer Anthony Barajas salutes all of the officers
that died on duty during the memorial service.
Sgt. Paul Kelly, president of the San Jose Police Officers’ association, turned to the officers gathered in formation in the main lot of the police department, and charged them with ensuring that the memories of Katherman, his close-in-time predecessor Michael Johnson — shot by a gunman in 2015 — and the others on the list of 13, live on.
“Their legacies will continue forever as well through all of you,” Kelly said.
of fallen San Jose police officers arrive in a procession
Wednesday at the Fallen Officer Memorial Ceremony at the
San Jose Police Department headquarters.
Tom Katherman, Michael Katherman’s father, voiced his appreciation for the department and police union’s support of his family and the other families.
“I’m grateful to tell these men and women how much we appreciate them,” he said, “and want them to come home from their shifts.”
In a stroke of chance, Michael Katherman actually met with the driver who hit him about two weeks later before the deadly collision, at a Coffee with a Cop meet-up event, his father said. He said his son, one of the most dedicated motorcycle cops in the department’s history, spoke with the man, let him sit on his police motorcycle, and took a picture with him.
“Two weeks later he made an unfortunate left turn and struck Mike,” Tom Katherman said.
But he said his family feels for the pain of the driver, and recognizes that there was no malice.
“For our family, this was just an accident,” he said. “We hold no ill will toward him. We forgive him.”
Tom Katherman remembers his son as a passionate officer. And it still brings a smile to to his face to also remember Michael’s passion for frozen desserts, which was known throughout the force. At his public funeral last year, he was likened to a GPS made specially for ice cream.
“We will always remember him as a dedicated officer, very professional, always had your back, and loved ice cream.”
Police Chief Eddie Garcia called on his officers to carry on in the spirit of Katherman and those who preceded him in giving their lives for the city.
“It’s not a matter of how our heroes died, but how they lived, that we’ll always remember,” he said. “We must make them proud and make their sacrifices meaningful.”
Garcia, police chief, center, leads his command in a moment
of silence at the Fallen Officer Memorial Ceremony at the San Jose
Police Department in San Jose. The somber memorial list includes
13 San Jose police officers that died while on duty.
CELEBRATION OF LIFE FOR DICK TUSH SCHEDULED FOR THIS COMING SATURDAY
As a reminder, a Celebration of Life will take place at 2:00 p.m. this coming Saturday, May 6th, at Dick’s daughter’s residence. The address is 301 McMahon Rd., Hollister, 95023. The family welcomes all of Dick’s friends and former coworkers. The following obit appears in today's Mercury News…
Show Low, AZ
Celebration of life will be held at 2:00pm, 5/6/17 at 301 McMahon Rd, Hollister, CA. Rich is survived by his daughters Kimberly Tush, of San Jose, CA, Shelley Carol Tush (Chris) Gerber of San Marcos, TX and Stacy Laura Tush (Joe) Jenkins of Hollister, CA; grandchildren Kevin (Kristin), Nicole (DJ), Ashley, Brittany (Anthony), Melissa, Kaylene and Joey; great grandchildren Kaylee, Kole, Kynsley and Kandis.
A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM DON HALE
—Help Needed for One of Our Own—
Most of you are aware that Gloria is now in her seventh year of living with the horror of having "ALS” — Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis — also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. She has exceeded the average three-to-five year survival rate after diagnosis, and we have no idea how long she can survive. Physicist Steven Hawking was diagnosed with ALS at age 21 and has survived into his eighties. Such is the sense of the unknown attached to the ALS horror.
Gloria is now a quadriplegic and can no longer speak. She has a trachea surgically implanted and a machine attached to it that allows her to live by breathing for her.
We have great insurance, however, it doesn't cover the cost of care givers. As a result, we pay that cost out of pocket. Other costs accrue as other machines and supplies have co-pays. For example, the co-pay for the breathing device the tubes in this photo are attached to costs $586.25 per month. That is not a misprint. While that is the most expensive item, there are others that are needed to suction the trachea and several more. I bought a small generator to run her devices if we should have a power failure.
Her one prescription is not supported by insurance, and its cost is several hundred dollars for a 45-day supply.
I am sending this background information and will now explain why.
So far we are surviving financially, but we now must hire additional caregivers to provide her with the needed 24/7 care. Recently, our daughter, Carson Barrett, set up a “Go Fund Me" site on the computer that was shared on Facebook. Several of you who saw the Facebook post were prompted to inquire about our situation. So, I am sending this to my friends from the Police department and Navy League to make you aware of our problem.
My family would very much appreciate your willingness to help with our endeavor, and you can do so by clicking on the link below, or by contacting me directly via email or phone.
If contacting me via email, please type “Gloria fights” in the subject line. If you would like to help but don't want to use Go Fund Me, you can send donations directly to us here at home. All the proceeds will go ‘only’ towards Gloria's care.
Thank you in advance. And please share this with everyone if you can.
Don Hale <firstname.lastname@example.org>
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
Graduating Cadets Give Decimated Force a Boost
—The 27-member group is among the most diverse in department’s history—
By Robert Salonga <email@example.com>
Mercury News — April 29, 2017
SAN JOSE — When 27 freshly minted police officers were sworn into duty Friday, the day carried an air of optimism that a San Jose Police Department, ravaged by steady departures for several years, is finally turning a corner.
SJPD Academy 28 is the largest graduating class the force has seen in at least four years, and marked a modest milestone of being the first class in at least three years to field more than 20 officers, a period that included a historically low class of seven last fall.
San Jose police Chief Eddie Garcia, right, fist-bumps recruits
before the start of their graduation ceremony for the San Jose
Police Department’s Academy 28 at the Fairmont Hotel in San
Jose. The 27 graduates represent the highest number in years.
Police Chief Eddie Garcia lauded the class, but stressed that his ranks need much more reinforcement before the department can be approximately full strength again.
“It’s extremely positive,” Garcia said. “We’re not doing a touchdown dance yet, but this is absolutely moving in the direction we want to be moving to make this department great again.”
Badges are on display during Friday’s ceremony.
The department is rebuilding after dropping below
1,000 officers for the first time in 30 years.
Academy class president Leonard Lumauig says he values being on the “ground floor” of the department’s rebuilding process. “It feels good to be a part of that, to help right the ship,” he said. “My kids are growing up here, and what better way is there to give back to the community?”
Friday’s graduating group is among the department’s most racially diverse in its history: about one-third Latino, one-third white, 17 percent Asian and 10 percent black. Women account for three of the 27 new officers. The new class is the first in recent memory to join the department during a time of rare labor peace, considering that the past decade was marked by unending political battles over pension, pay and disability benefits between the city and police union. Even the current cohesion came only after an agreement reached nearly two years ago was tortured through taxpayer challenges and a ballot election before finally being signed in February. Since March 2013, when the San Jose police academy was revived after a multiyear budget freeze and graduated 43 officers, the infusion of fresh blood into the ranks has steadily declined. Interest in the department tapered off in the face of neighboring police agencies offering higher salaries.
From left, Brendan Turner, Yolanda Turner, Ruby
Herron and Napolean Turner Sr. cheer for graduate
Napolean Turner Jr. during the graduation ceremony.
For several years, the academy became a de facto training ground for those outside agencies, as fresh graduates or soon-to-be graduates were routinely poached with the lure of cash and contract stability. The new San Jose police contract signed in February includes a 20-percent raise phased in over three years, starting with a balloon increase of 10 percent in 2017-18, and recruiting bonuses.
“This is the beginning of the rebuilding of the San Jose Police Department,” said Mayor Sam Liccardo. “It’s great to have these young people who are excited to serve ... to be here at this time when the city really needs their services.”
But despite the rosier outlook, today just over 900 officers make up the department, a far cry from the historic peak of 1,400 in 2008 — considered low for a population of 1 million — and the first time in over 30 years that number dipped below 1,000.
Salman, left, pins a badge on his son, Tarik Awwad,
as Awaad's mother, Fatmeh Mustafa, looks on, during the
graduation of the San Jose Police Department’s Academy 28.
Staffing projections last fall assumed academies of 45 officers, so while Friday’s 27 is relatively robust — with the next academy expected to bring in more — the road to recovery will be rough before it gets smooth.
“Not until we get academies in the mid-40s. That’s when we’ve truly arrived,” Garcia said. “We’re not there yet, but today is a great sign.”
Among the various rebuilding campaigns, a recruitment drive aimed at hiring back officers who left during leaner times is now underway.
“We’ve always been able to say nothing beats the police work here in San Jose,” Garcia said. “Now that (the contract’s) been resolved, that message has gone over well. We’re getting people who want to come back. Today is a testament to the hard work of our recruiting unit.”
Officer Katrina Atkins was the beneficiary of that far-reaching recruitment work, coming to San Jose by way of New Orleans after a stint as a police officer for the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.
“It’s a prime opportunity to be there when the department is growing,” Atkins said. “I see the possibilities and am excited to be here. This is a place I want to be.”
• • • • •
Chief Eddie Garcia was surprised by the nearly half-million dollars he received in total compensation, according to Tuesday’s paper. But if you think that’s high for municipal and county administrators, read the rest of the story. It tells of an Oakland police officer who grossed $157,000 in overtime alone, bringing in a total of $463,000 in cash and benefits for 2016…
Jose chief, City Manager Top Peers in Compensation
—Findings notable after city’s long battles over paychecks and pensions—
By Thomas Peele and Ramona Giwargis — Staff writers
Mercury News — May 2, 2017
San Jose’s police chief and city manager each raked in nearly a half million dollars in salary and benefits in 2016, topping their counterparts at more than 200 other California cities, new compensation data released Monday show.
Police Chief Eddie Garcia cost taxpayers $497,000 in pay and benefits, according to records released Monday by a Las Vegas nonprofit, Transparent California. City Manager Norberto Duenas was right behind Garcia at $492,000 in pay and benefits.
The distinction for San Jose was notable, especially after battles over paychecks and pensions led to an exodus of rank-and-file officers in recent years in America’s 10th-largest city.
Garcia said he was “somewhat surprised” that his compensation was tops among California’s police chiefs for whom complete pay and benefit information is available.
“But there’s a big difference between total compensation and take-home pay,” said Garcia, who grossed $245,000 in regular pay and $19,000 in other pay, which can include uniform allowances and educational incentives. His benefits totaled $233,000 for medical insurance and employer-paid contributions to his retirement.
“At the same time, I don’t want to sound defensive,” he said. “That’s the salary range, and I’m quite frankly humbled and thankful.”
Several other Bay Area police chiefs were paid more than San Jose’s chief in base pay, including those in Santa Clara, Mountain View, Redwood City and San Francisco, where Toney Chaplin, a department veteran who spent most of 2016 as acting police chief, received a base pay of $297,000.
Los Angeles police Chief Charlie Beck topped all chiefs with $347,000 in base pay, but the chief’s total compensation wasn’t clear because Los Angeles did not release the complete cost of benefits, according to Transparent California.
Alameda County Sheriff Greg Ahern topped all sheriffs with $633,857 in pay and benefits, including $321,445 in benefits — the highest of more than 600,000 public employees listed in the survey.
The San Jose Police Officers’ Association declined to comment about Garcia’s pay.
In February, the city and its officers ratified a new contract promising 20 percent raises over the next 3 years. The pay hike is part of a major recruitment effort after the department shrunk from 1,400 officers in 2008 to just over 900.
Duenas’ pay and benefits were about $25,000 more than the next highest-compensated city manager, David Cavazos of Santa Ana in Orange County, who totaled nearly $477,000. San Jose Assistant City Manager David Sykes’ $479,000 in pay and benefits topped Cavazos.
Duenas said San Jose includes pension and retiree health care in compensation calculations — which is different from other cities — and that he and Garcia are “nowhere near the top of the pay range, neither regionally or statewide” considering that distinction.
He also believes his pay is appropriate for his job duties and a career spanning more than two decades at City Hall. “I do believe that I’m more than fairly compensated for the work that I do today and for the positions I’ve held with the city for over 25 years,” Duenas said.
Palo Alto’s James Keene was right behind Cavazos at nearly $477,000. Fremont City Manager Frederick Diaz was the next highest in the Bay Area at $411,000.
Still, Alameda County Administrator Susan Muranishi was the third-highest paid public employee in the state, grossing $740,965 in pay and benefits last year.
San Jose spokesman David Vossbrink noted that Duenas manages “more than 6,000 employees and a $3 billion annual budget affecting the quality of life of more than 1 million residents” and “should be appropriately compensated reflecting the magnitude of the job and the impact on the community.”
The highest-compensated city government employee in the data was Michael Rubino, a chief bar pilot for the city of Los Angeles, who grossed $595,000. Two other Los Angeles bar pilots also topped $500,000 in salary and benefits.
The report also highlighted Bay Area public employees who took home six-figure overtime pay in 2016.
Lots of OT
In Oakland, Kenny Lau, an engineer in the city planning department, racked up $299,000 in overtime last year, records show. Oakland pay data obtained from the city since 2008 show Lau is routinely a top overtime earner. City officials have said most of his work is funded through fees for development applications. Lau grossed $494,000 in pay and benefits last year, data show.
Neither Lau nor Interim Planning Director Darin Ranellett returned messages Monday. Preetpal Dhaliwal, an Oakland firefighter, grossed $263,174 in overtime last year, the sixth-highest overtime pay in the survey and an Oakland officer, Malcolm Miller, grossed $157,000 in overtime last year and was paid $463,000 in cash and benefits.
Michael Wester, a Mountain View firefighter, grossed $234,000 in overtime on his way to $484,000 in cash and benefits for 2016.
Damn! I was bleeding tears with the letters to and from God regarding little Meredith who had lost her dog.
And then I got slammed with the jay-walking officer and the lady cop on her steed. Was home alone belly laughing after shedding quite a few melancholy tears over the letter from God, circa ’08.
Good to see you're stronger than ever; well, stronger as the editor anyway. Good show!
Ken Yules <KPY1444@aol.com>
PS. At the age of 70, doing 75-80 on my motor through rain, heavy and gusting winds and finally a blinding dust/sand storm just west of Barstow was a true ride through hell. FL, GA, AL, AR, TN, MS, OK, TX, NM, AZ, to CA.
Flagstaff was in the mid 30s, but apparently not icy as the highway signs suggested. Managed 75 at 7400'+ elevation. Did slow, however, to 50-60 after the RR crossing on 58 just west of Barstow; couldn't see more than a few feet in any direction as the sand storm hit; couldn't slow more for fear of being rear-ended all the while hoping no one stopped in what I figured was still within the traffic lane in zero visibility conditions.
Heck, last westbound ride culminated on Cinco de Mayo in 2016 with a major electrical storm at dusk east of Los Banos and going over Pacheco Pass with mostly cloud to cloud lightning and an occasional explosion as the lightning dropped low and struck power towers coming from the San Luis hydro-electric plant.
God Bless Tush and family and friends.
Do what I did when I turned 70, Ken. Sell your motor or mount it on a wall for fond memories and invest in a car.
• • • • •
For you senior seniors, oes the name "Arno Ziesnitz" ring a bell? Continue with this missive from Bob Allen if it does…
Sharon Ziessnitz called to inform me that her husband Arno passed away yesterday morning, April 30th, at age 88.
Arno led a long and extraordinary life, beginning in Germany during the troubled times of the ‘30s leading into Germany's declaration of war that brought on World War II. His parents refused to join the Nazi Party and were penalized for not doing so. His school class was forced to dig ditches in 1944 in an effort to prevent tanks from entering Berlin. And while he and his classmates were taught how to use guns, that was the only commitment they had. He did not fight in the war. He was never a soldier and was with his mother in the basement of their home in 1945 when the war ended. It turned out that he was one of the earliest immigrants from Germany to the U.S. on Christmas 1949.
After settling in the U.S. he went to San Jose State Police School and joined the SJPD on Oct. 1, 1956. But he later left to join U.S. Customs, a job that included foreign postings and deep, long-duration undercover assignments involving global criminal cases.
Always poised, polished and curious, his interest ranged from magic to Japanese art and more. He was one of the good guys and was one of a kind. He will be missed.
Sharon would appreciate it if any of those still standing who can recollect back 60 years and can remember an Arno story would pass it along to her at <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Bob (Allen) <email@example.com>
Interesting story, Bob. I’ll add “Former Officer Arno Ziesnitz” to the SJPD Memorial List that I publish each year during National Police Week, which is coming up soon (May 14-20).
NEW RETIREES’ ASSN. NEWSLETTER NOW AVAILABLE
The latest electronic version of the Billy & Spanner is now available on-line. Click HERE to download the newsletter to your desktop.
A MEMO FROM THE F.O.P. FOR ALL SWORN RETIREES
All sworn retirees should take a few minutes and read this memo from the Fraternal Order of Police sent in by Louis. Quezada. It pertains to the Windfall Elimination Provision (WEP) that affects workers who spent some time in jobs not covered by Social Security and worked other jobs where they paid Social Security taxes long enough to qualify for retirement benefits. Click HERE to download the FOP memo.
AN INVITATION FROM OUR TWO CHAPLAINS
Here is an invitation that Jim and I wanted to submit for the Farsider from Darling Fischer. Can you put it in the Farsider the next two weeks, May 4th and 11th? We realize the barbecue is the same day as the PBA dinner, but perhaps the PBA members who normally attend the monthly meeting might want to enjoy two meals in one day.
Chaplain Bryan Allen <firstname.lastname@example.org>
FINAL REMINDER TO SIGN UP THE FOLSOM BARBECUE
This is a final reminder to sign up for our annual Bobby Burroughs Folsom BBQ and Association membership meeting. Details are below. You can sign up on-line by clicking THIS link.
The Lew Howard Pavilion
7100 Baldwin Dam Rd.
Folsom, CA 95630
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Lunch at 12:00 PM
Meeting right after lunch.
Tri-tip or Chicken
Please make your selection when signing up.
Members are free
$5 for spouse & guests
FROM I-80 in Roseville
I-80 to Douglas Blvd., east on Douglas Blvd. Go approximately 5.1 miles to Folsom Auburn Blvd. Turn right and go 4.1 miles to Oak Ave. in Folsom (there is a McDonalds fast food on the corner). Turn right on Oak Ave. and go approximately 0.4 miles (the road ends). Turn right on Baldwin Dam Rd. You will see the Lew Howard Memorial Park Arch. Go under the Arch and drive to the top of the hill where the picnic grounds are (approximately 0.3 miles). You have arrived.
FROM I-50 in Folsom
I-50 to Folsom Rd. Exit. Take Folsom Rd. 2.4 miles and cross the American River Bridge. At this time the road name changes to Folsom Auburn Blvd. Continue 0.8 miles to Oak Ave. You will see a McDonald's fast food restaurant on the left corner. Turn left on Oak Ave. and go approximately 0.4 miles to Baldwin Dam Rd. Turn right and you will see the Lew Howard Memorial Park Arch. Drive straight through to the top of the hill and you have arrived.
We will need a count of Retirees and Spouses
who will be attending the BBQ, by May 10, 2017
FUNDRAISER FOR JUAN REYES REMINDER
Saturday, May 20th, starting at 8:00 a.m.
Paradigm CrossFit, 7011 Realm Dr. Unit A6, San Jose
Suggested donation: $40
THIS IS HOW PEOPLE IN HAWAII KEEP THEIR PLACE IN LINE
this probably won’t work here on the Mainland because your
shoes would likely get snatched before you could find a seat and sit down.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
It’s hard to keep a dry eye when a piper is playing “Amazing Grace”
Received from Mike Thompson
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Although my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
• • • • •
It’s been weeks since we’ve heard you groan, so…
Did you know that the famous painter Vincent van Gogh had tons of relatives. True. Here are some of them from his family tree…
His dizzy aunt..........Verti Gogh
His brother who worked at a convenience store..........Stop-n-Gogh
Another brother who loved prunes..........Gotta Gogh
His grandfather from Yugoslavia..........U Gogh
A cousin from Illinois..........Chica Gogh
His missing uncle..........Where-diddy Gogh
A Mexican cousin..........A-mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother..........Gring Gogh
A nephew who drove a stage coach..........Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle..........Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt..........Tang Gogh
A bird lover uncle..........Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst..........E Gogh
A fruit loving cousin.........Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking..........Way to Gogh
His little bouncy nephew..........Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco..........Go Gogh
And finally, a niece who loved to travel..........Winnie Bay Gogh
There ya Gogh!
• • • • •
We can now confirm that most inanimate objects have a gender. For example:
Ziploc bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. While they are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, they can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
Tires are Male, because they eventually go bald and are often over-inflated.
Hot Air Balloons are Male because you have to light a fire under them in order to get them to go anywhere. And then there's the hot air factor.
Sponges are Female because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
Web Pages are Female because they are always getting hit on.
Subways are Male because they use the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female because, over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it would be Male. But consider this: It gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. And while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
• • • • •
Lexus Will Never Be the Same
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along and completely tore off the driver's door. The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911 and a policeman arrived in less than 3 minutes.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop did.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" the lawyer responded indignantly.
The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down. It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer as he looked at the bloody stump where his left arm had been attached. "Where's my Rolex?"
WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?
Apparently there is a third option between burial and cremation.
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
April 26 — May 2
April 26: I want to say happy birthday to first lady Melania Trump, who turned 47 years old today! She plans to celebrate with her loved ones. And Donald.
They celebrated like they always do: making sure Donald has something to unwrap too, so he doesn’t feel left out.
I read that the Republicans’ spending package does not include any money for Trump’s border wall. Then Trump told his secretary, “Get me the CEO of Lego.”
Chris Christie says that he’d give Trump a “B” on his first 100 days. Then said he’d give him an “A” on immigration, and a “C” on healthcare, and long story short, he ended up just spelling “bacon.”
More trouble for United Airlines: This week, one of their flights had to make an emergency landing in Costa Rica after an engine overheated. United’s flight attendants quickly evacuated the plane by picking up passengers and throwing them down the inflatable slide.
It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush.
April 27: The White House invited reporters to bring their kids with them this morning for Take Your Kids to Work Day. Or as Trump calls it, every day.
It was really sweet. Trump asked the kids what they want to be when they grew up, and then they asked Trump what he wants to be when he grows up.
There’s a lot going on in Washington right now — Trump is working on a new budget, tax reform, healthcare, trade. So to make sure he doesn’t forget anything he actually likes to set reminders on his phone. For example, he has this one reminder that says, “Play Tetris to practice building the wall.”
United Airlines fell by 66 percent in an annual survey of passengers’ favorite airlines, down to just 3.3 percent. Although, that means that 3.3 percent of travelers saw a man get dragged off a plane and thought, “This is my favorite airline.”
Federal agents just seized 300 pounds of yak meat that was illegally smuggled into JFK airport. And yet somehow JFK still smells less like yak meat than LaGuardia.
May 1: President Trump just did an interview where he wondered why the Civil War ever happened. Then Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said, “That’s easy, Captain America and Iron Man got in a big fight.”
Trump also said that Andrew Jackson was really angry about the Civil War, but Andrew Jackson actually died 16 years before it started. Trump said he’ll apologize to Jackson when they play golf together next week.
Trump defended all his trips that he’s made to his golf courses, saying that he only goes there to hold meetings. Even guys who go to Hooters for the wings were like, “Yeah, right.”
Trump’s keeping busy — in fact, he invited the leader of Thailand to visit the White House. But Trump thinks Thailand is just a clothing chain that sells really long ties.
May 2: Today President Trump had a phone call with Vladimir Putin. Actually, they’re just continuing the phone call they were having last night, since neither of them would hang up first.
That’s right, Putin talking to Trump. Even Obama was like, “Now THIS call I’m gonna wiretap! Get the popcorn out!”
Yesterday, Trump said that he would be honored to meet with Kim Jong Un. When asked why, Trump said, “Because I’ve heard her music, and she sounds beautiful.”
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer gave a new interview where he said that he loves his job and is humbled to have it. Then Spicer blinked his eyes in Morse code to spell out “HELP ME.”
New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. “Well, well, well, look who we have here!”
April 26: A new study says that the first humans to arrive in what is now North America may have been Neanderthals. Apparently they came here to vote in the 2016 election.
President Trump is considering opening federal park land to developers. In fact, builders have already broken ground on a Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon.
Today President Trump tweeted, “Happy birthday to our first lady, Melania!” And this is historic — it’s the first time Trump has said something nice to an immigrant.
There’s a new device being sold by Amazon that helps users choose what clothes to wear. When you buy the device, Amazon says, “Customers who liked this may also like ‘a gay best friend.’”
L.A. is one of the two finalists to host the 2024 Olympics. So if you want to attend one of the events in L.A., you should get on the freeway now.
In Philadelphia, police are looking for a man who robbed a Dunkin’ Donuts, and was caught on a surveillance camera doing some stretches in the parking lot just beforehand. Police are on the lookout for the only health-conscious person to ever enter a Dunkin’ Donuts.
May 1: The creators of Fyre Festival, a luxury music festival that left attendees on an island without adequate food, water, shelter, or medical care, are all being sued for $100 million. If you want to attend the trial, tickets start at $5,000.
It was announced today that Kelly Ripa’s new co-host will be Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest was relieved, and said those 20 minutes he wasn’t on television were the scariest of his life.
Over the weekend, President Trump invited brutal Filipino dictator Rodrigo Duterte to visit the White House. It’s the first time Trump has ever said the words, “Rodrigo, please come to America.”
President Trump also said he would be honored to meet North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Trump said, “He’s my kind of guy — he’s crazy, he’s overweight, and he has a ridiculous haircut. We should get together!”
May 2: House Republicans are again trying to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don’t have the votes. House Republicans defended themselves and said, “Please, it’s a soothing ritual that comforts us.”
Today, there was a call between Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump. The call was all part of Putin’s annual employee review.
Analysts are saying that Donald Trump has not read his new healthcare plan and he has actually spent no time getting familiar with it. Their first hint was when he called it “Melania.”
All the TV writers in Hollywood have reached a deal with the studios, which means there will not be a writers’ strike. In fact, my writers plan to get back to work about three jokes from now.
While discussing healthcare, a Republican congressman from Alabama said that people who lead good lives don’t get sick. Seconds later, he dropped dead.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she is confident that fake news will not harm her chances in Germany’s election. In fact, Merkel is so confident she’s going to win, she’s not even going to campaign in Wisconsin.
As part of a limited campaign, McDonald’s is offering forks made from French fries. Not to be outdone, Long John Silver’s began offering seafood made from fish.
April 26: The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT’S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God!
But it’s not just Coke; Trump also has a button that he presses whenever there is a protest, and it makes Kendall Jenner come out and give everyone a Pepsi.
Yesterday Sen. Ted Cruz introduced a bill to Congress called the El Chapo Act, which would use money seized from the Mexican drug lord El Chapo to pay for Donald Trump’s border wall. Now, this is a story about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and El Chapo — and I’ll be honest, I’m not sure who to root for here.
They’re calling it the El Chapo Act because what better way to build a wall than with money from a guy who’s famous for tunneling under walls?
Ivanka Trump is being criticized after it came out the workers at a Chinese factory who make her fashion line earn roughly $1 an hour. President Trump was pretty upset with Ivanka. He was like, “Wait, you pay your workers?”
April 27: In case you weren’t aware, today was Take Your Child to Work Day. It’s a great way to see why Mommy and Daddy drink so much. Although at the White House, every day is take Your Child to Work Day, for your children and your son-in-law.
After alluding to a big tax reform announcement earlier this week, the White House finally released their tax plan and it was only a one-page-long document with very little information. It was a one-page memo — even Rachel Maddow was like, “This is a huge disappointment.”
The White House promised a big announcement. But keep in mind, even a one-page document looks very big in Donald Trump’s tiny hands.
After a month of very bad PR, United Airlines is offering up to $10,000 to passengers on overbooked flights. But you know another thing they could do? Stop selling more tickets than there are seats on the plane! Just don’t do that!
May 1: Taco Bell just announced that it will be adding beer to the menu at certain restaurants in Canada. It’s the first time that going to Taco Bell will lead to getting drunk and not the other way around.
Taco Bell says serving alcohol is their attempt to attract a very specific demographic: divorced dads with weekend custody.
An Australian family managed to save the life of a lizard they found at the bottom of their pool by performing CPR on it. Can you imagine putting your lips on a lizard? And then Melania Trump was like, “Yeah, I can.”
I consider myself a confident guy. But I have never ever, not even after six drinks, thought to myself, “I could probably give CPR to a lizard.” That family revived the lizard by performing CPR for 30 minutes. I give up looking for the TV remote after 25 seconds.
May 2: On Twitter this morning, Donald Trump suggested the U.S. needs a “good shutdown” to fix a deadlocked Congress. I don’t think Donald Trump realizes that the government is not like a computer. You can’t fix it by turning it off and turning it back on again.
Trump’s thinking the government should go on a break. How is this going to work? This is the federal government, not Ross and Rachel.
In an interview yesterday, Trump questioned why America had a Civil War and suggested President Andrew Jackson could have prevented it, even though Jackson died 16 years before the Civil War started. Coincidentally, 50 years from now, the name “Donald Trump” is going to be the answer to the question, “Why was there a second Civil War?”
A picture went viral of a man delivering a 30-gallon tub of Cinnabon frosting on a bus — or as we call him in my house, Santa Claus. You just know everyone on that bus was like, “Forget my stop, I’ve got to see how this ends.” 30 gallons — that’s enough for nearly two Cinnabons.
May 2: My name is Will Arnett and I am your guest host here for the night. I’ll be filling in while your regular host is away. Just think of me as your depressed middle-aged substitute teacher who you definitely saw cry in his car before coming in.
You may know me from my Netflix show “Flaked.” For those who don’t, it’s the thumbnail that you scroll past to get to “Narcos.”
You may have also seen me in a little show called “Arrested Development.” People always come up to me and say, “Is ‘Arrested Development’ coming back?” And I’m always like, “Bateman, you’re on the show too! They’re gonna call you.”
You know, it’s funny — Jimmy had a son and I dropped everything to come host this show. When I had my sons, all Jimmy did was send me an edible arrangement. Which, whatever, it’s not a competition — but if it WERE a competition, which it is, we can all clearly agree I’m the better friend, right?
We’re lucky to even have a show tonight. Because there was a chance that the writers were going to go on strike. But fortunately a deal was made last night and they were able to go to work today. If a deal wasn’t reached, the writers were prepared to march outside all the major studios here, and they would have faced their greatest enemy: the sun.
It’s great we were able to avoid a strike. If the strike had happened I’d be stuck coming here and coming up with my own words. Which would have been … you know … ungood. Ungooder.
President Trump had a really big day, he spoke on the phone with Vladimir Putin today. They talked about Syria. And they talked about the Airbnb they’re going to share in Martha’s Vineyard together.
It was a pretty long call, although most of that was going, “No, you hang up. No, YOU hang up. No, nyet, you hang up.”
April 26: President Trump unveiled his new tax plan today. And it’s pretty much the same as his old plan: He’s not gonna pay them.
President Trump spoke on the phone with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau yesterday amidst increased tensions on trade. I’m guessing Trump wanted to trade ... faces?
According to reports, a group of buyers led by Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter has won the auction to purchase the Miami Marlins. Jeter is excited to get back to baseball, while Jeb is excited to get back to losing.
Today was first lady Melania Trump’s birthday. And after she blew out the candles, nobody had to ask what she wished for.
The NFL Draft is this week and the Houston Texans will announce some of their picks from outer space, using astronauts aboard the International Space Station. Meanwhile the Patriots will announce their picks from a Russian spy satellite.
United Airlines is investigating a report that a giant rabbit died on a flight from London to Chicago. He was survived by his wife and 167 children.
April 27: According to a new CNN poll, 44 percent of Americans approve of the job President Trump is doing as he approaches his 100th day in office. While the other 56 percent said, “It’s only been 100 days?!”
According to a new report, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was recently forced to explain to President Trump 11 times how trade works with European countries. She started to lose it around “nein.”
A third-grade class in New Jersey recently found a boa constrictor in the back of their classroom. Even scarier, they DIND’T find Billy.
A campaign in the U.K. is encouraging parents to teach their children the accurate words for their genitals from a young age. Of course in the U.K., genitals are called “crisps.”
May 1: In a recent Reuters interview, President Trump reflected on his first 100 days in office saying, “I thought it would be easier.” What made you think it was going to be easy? This is what it did to a SMART person [shows 2008 and 2018 photos of Obama]. By the time you’re out of office, you’re going to look like the Toxic Avenger.
President Trump said yesterday that being president has been a big burden on his family. “Yes, but somehow we manage,” said Melania from her penthouse in New York.
In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War. “Wait, I know this one. Was it China?”
President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. You know, at this rate the only way Trump is going to get a second term is if he’s held back. “All F’s? I flunked everything? I got a B+ in phys ed.”
May 2: Hillary Clinton today said that she is very aware of the “shortfalls” of her campaign that caused her to lose the election. Specifically, Short Falls, Michigan, and Short Falls, Wisconsin.
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer today left his daily press briefing without taking questions from reporters. Spicer was apparently too busy taking questions from himself. “Why do I keep doing this? What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I quit?”
A video surfaced today of a fistfight that broke out between passengers on a flight from Tokyo to Los Angeles. First the airlines stop giving you a meal, then they charge you to check a bag, and now passengers have to physically assault themselves.
Taco Bell will begin selling so-called “Naked Chicken Chips,” which are triangular pieces of chicken that are dipped in nacho cheese sauce. And if you eat them they’ll be the only naked thing you’ll get to enjoy.
A man is honoring his late friend’s wish by flushing his ashes down toilets in baseball stadiums across the country. While the Mets are honoring his wish by flushing their season, too.
April 26: Big news out of Washington, D.C., just this afternoon, as the White House finally released Trump’s tax plan. That plan? Never release Trump’s taxes.
The Trump administration has a very strong rationale for simplifying the tax code. “In 1935, we had a one-page tax form consisting of 34 lines with two pages of instructions. Today, the basic 1040 form has 79 lines and 211 pages of instructions.” 1935 was the height of the Great Depression, so the two-page form was just “Page 1: Do you have money? Yes or no.” And page 2 was so you would have something to eat.
Congratulations to Greta Van Susteren on her new, show “For the Record.” If you remember, for years, her old show on Fox News was called “On the Record.” Because “for” the record, she no longer believes anything she said that was “on” the record. I look forward to seeing her future CNN show, “Please Erase the Record.”
CONGRATS TO THE WINNER OF THE BEST "UP YOURS" AWARD FOR THE WEEK
The owner of this house is a veteran who was told by his homeowners’
association that he could not fly an American flag in his front yard.
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for the most current update.
AT LEAST WE HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON WITH BERNIE...
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BBC One in the UK has a program called “Spy in the Wild” where a video camera is inserted into a look-alike animal which is then placed among real animals of the same species. THIS segment shows how Langur monkeys grieve over the fake monkey they believe is real and dead. (2:14)
Readers may recall that we ran a similar “Spy in the Wild” clip a few weeks ago, but the “spy” in THIS video was a crocodile hatchling. The producers wanted to see the relationship between a mother croc and her babies. (3:02)
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This had to be a very hungry eagle to take on a mountain goat two or three times its weight. On the upside, it would have made any bull rider green with envy. On the downside, the bird was left battered, bruised and still hungry after the ride down the mountain. Check out THIS clip received from Alice Murphy. (1:44)
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Magicians’ card tricks are so common that we don’t usually pay much attention to them. But this one received from Bill Leavy stands out from the others. It was performed on Britain’s Got Talent and has convinced the judges, including Simon Cowell, that it’s real magic, not a trick. Click HERE and see if you agree. (6:21)
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This video received from Don Hale is the type of story we love to pass along. It’s about a groundskeeper at a golf course who saves a Great Horned Owl that had been immobilized for 24 hours due to having been CAUGHT on fishing line. (3:17)
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think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
Joyce Kilmer, 1886 - 1918
And it seems that the Aussies love the tree that He made for them…
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Have an interest in aviation? If you do, you should enjoy this website that has links to 179 short videos detailing the history of aircraft from World War I up to the present time. Several of the older clips are from Universal Newsreel films that used to accompany movies many of us saw in theaters when we were kids in the ‘40s and ’50s. Click HERE, then on any of the thumbnails to view the clip.
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Watch this crash received from Dirk Parsons of a six-place Piper Cherokee that was posted on YouTube yesterday (May 3rd) and we think you will agree that the first priority of the two on board who survived with minor injuries should be to buy a lottery ticket after they were treated and released from a local hospital. The CRASH occurred in Mukilteo, Washington. (1:59)
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Due to the thin air at the top of the tallest mountain in the world — 29,000-foot Mt. Everest — I didn’t think it was possible for a helicopter to REACH the summit. Apparently I was wrong. (3:52)
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Think you can fly a chopper without crashing? We’re betting you can’t. If you think you can, prove it by clicking HERE.
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Going, going, gone. Seriously, gone! Check out THIS Italian auction where a million dollar Chinese Ming vase is on the block. (0:44)
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Tip of the Week: If you plan on selling an item on eBay or Craig’s List and plan to include a photo of said item, either choose something non-reflecting to sell, or put some clothes on before taking the picture.
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These are Russian cops (confirmed by Comrade Kosovilka) taking down a suspected terrorist. It’s pretty obvious they are NOT members of the UC California or Berkeley police. (0:51)
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Joanne McDougall felt this clip of an Arkansas father giving away his tractor-driving, tobacco-chewing daughter in marriage was both funny and touching. Click HERE and see if you agree. (3:21)
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What we found interesting about this extremely sharp telephoto image of the Moon — beyond the detail of the surface — is what appears to be a UFO (literally an unidentified flying object) flying past on the right side of the screen at the 2:58 mark. It moves pretty fast, so don’t blink. Given the focal length of the lens and its magnification, it shouldn't be a bug or bird close to the camera. Any ideas? (3:54)
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Just how big (tall) can a tsunami get? Interesting question, and THIS video does a good job of answering that question. If, however, you have relocated to the East Coast, you may want to skip the clip. (Google “Canary Islands Tsunami” and you will see why.) (7:36)
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Youngsters probably won’t recognize this rare species while most of you over the age of 65 will immediately identify it as…
... a Nesting Falcon
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Scratch a Texas woman’s minivan and you could be in a heap of hurt as THIS clown that led cops in Dallas on a hot chase found out. (2:05)
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The intent of our closer this week is to "Bring You Sunshine." Stick with this clip for 1 1/2 minutes and we think you’ll be hooked, providing you are old enough to appreciate this song by the Jive Aces. There is little question that the world could use more music with THIS kind of message. (5:32)
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Pic of the Week
It's not every day you see a Walmart
shopper smiling at everyone behind her...
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 5/4/17
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
To receive the email address of anyone on the list -- or to receive the roster with all of the email addresses -- send your request to <email@example.com>.
Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark "Mo"
O'Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Richter, Darrell & Annette
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve