Match 5, 2015
Bill Mattos, Editor and Publisher
Leroy Pyle, Webmaster
The Farsider is an independent publication that is not
affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its web site solely
for the convenience
of the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does
not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association's Board of Directors or
Last week, we sent you an email blast outlining our
frustrations with a letter sent from the City on
February 11th. On February 19th, the POA responded in
writing, laying out our concerns with the "half off"
concept and the City's unwillingness to commit to a true
HERE to see the POA letter to the City dated 2-19-15
below to see past letters.
(POA and Fire Letter dated 2-9-15)
(City Letter to POA dated 2-11-15)
Over the past two weeks the POA has been informed that
members are being approached, while on duty, and being
told by Mayor Liccardo that he wants to give them raises
but that the POA is standing in the way.
That is untrue. The Mayor and city council have thus far
been unwilling to commit to resolving all of our
outstanding issues NOW, in 2015, and beginning the
process of rebuilding our dwindling department.
The POA has conveyed directly to the Mayor in
conversations, letters, and other communication that we
are prepared to begin settlement negotiations now over
fixing the disastrous Measure B, retiree healthcare, and
our contract if the city commits to resolving these
issues in 2015. We are uninterested in a photo op or
sham negotiations, and without the commitment from the
city's side of the table there will be no resolution.
As time ticks by, officers continue to leave our
department and unfortunately more are accepting
employment with agencies that respect their work and
understand how to work collaboratively with their
workforce. San Jose still has not figured that out yet.
The latest departures are covered in this NBC Bay Area
report that aired last night.
NBC Bay Area: San Jose Police Losing Significant Amount
of Female Officers. Click
HERE to view.
The next time any POA member is approached by Mayor
Liccardo and told that the POA is in the way of a pay
increase, tell him to stop lying and get serious about
fixing Measure B in 2015 and commit to it. As soon as he
does, the POA will be at the table trying to unravel the
mess he helped create.
TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THE SJPD AND THE CITY OF SAN
Surprisingly, we could find nothing for this column even
after a two-week hiatus.
This is good stuff. Hope you can print this letter from
Norv. I send him a hard copy of every issue of the
Farsider. He has not surrendered to getting a computer
just yet! Down toward the bottom he refers to a “Royal.”
I think that is what used to be known as a typewriter!
I know that he would love to hear from friends. Here is
his mailing address:
Janesville, CA 96114
You are correct, Gary. Most of us who learned to type
did so on a Royal or a Smith Corona. Sorry, but this was
the best we could do at building up the contrast of
Norv’s typewritten letter…
• • • • •
I noticed in this morning’s Mercury News that Don
Coleman passed away. If you recall, I mentioned his name
last year when we were attempting to determine something
about another dispatcher, but I was not aware if he was
still in the area and alive.
I met him in 1961 when I started my initial years as a
dispatcher for the SJPD. He was a humorous person and I
enjoyed working with him. He was there before I began in
1961. The paper noted he worked for the city and county
for 22 years, but when he started and retired, I do not
~ ~ ~
More on Don Coleman…
~ ~ ~
Today in the Mercury News' obituaries I noticed the
passing of Donnie Coleman whom I worked with from 1971
to 1975 as a dispatcher for the City and later the
County. Donnie was a character, always making fun of
someone or setting someone up to have a good laugh. It
appears that he lived to be about 93 years old.
We would often go over to the Lenzen Bar at the corner
of Lenzen and Stockton Avenue after work for a few beers
and a few rounds of pool. Donnie was always up for a
game of pool and telling jokes. He mentioned to me once
that another great place to get a beer was the 401 Club
right down the street. A few days later I stopped in at
the 401 Club for a beer, alone! Being a young and naive
kid in my early 20s, I had no idea that Donnie had sent
me to a locally famous gay bar. I was, of course,
surrounded by several men who were acting more than
friendly. I quickly paid for my beer and left it nearly
full on the bar before departing. When I arrived at work
the next morning Donnie and several of the "older guys"
in the dispatch room couldn't stop laughing. Donnie had
set me up well, and to this day I get a laugh out of
what he did to me and so many others. He will be missed
by everyone who knew him.
I was part of the group of civilians who were hired to
work the Complaint Desk back then, thus relieving the
cops who didn't want to be there in the first place. As
a 20-year-old kid, I thought the job of answering phones
from the public was exciting. The public did not realize
they were talking to a 20-year-old however; they always
thought they were talking to a cop. I thought what could
be better? After a year of answering 297-3565 (the old
emergency number that first had to go through the City
switchboard) I moved over to being a police and fire
dispatcher. It was guys like Donnie Coleman who made
being a dispatcher so much fun, along with the likes of
Charlie King, Bea Fletcher, Roy “Grandpa” Adams, Sally
Coon, “Weird Ralph” Libby, Kathy Willard, Bonnie
Wendling and so many others. I loved that job, but 4
years later I moved on to my life-long dream job of
being a San Jose cop.
Rest in peace, Donnie, when it's my time to join you I
may be sending you someplace, too! I promise I will get
HERE to add a memory or condolence to the Guest
• • • • •
The news in the Farsider has been rather grim of late,
so I decided to call up something from memory in the
form of the column you used to call “The History of the
SJPD Shall Not Be Forgotten.”
Pummel and Release Caper
Back in the "early days" San Jose Police often hired one
officer at a time. I came to work on the 8-hour midnight
shift and rode with experienced officers for about 2
weeks, after which I was placed on one of the two
walking beats downtown. A few weeks after I came on,
"WJ” Martin was hired and soon he was walking the First
Street beat while I was walking the beat on Market
Street. We were told to show a "strong presence and take
no guff,” but don't arrest anyone unless it was
absolutely necessary. In the event we did arrest someone
we were to take them to the nearest light pole, handcuff
them around the pole and then go to a call box or borrow
a business owner’s phone and call it in. There were no
such things as hand-held portable radios, cell phones,
police academies or FTO programs at the time, which help
explains why we did not yet know the law.
Around 6:30 to 7:00 a.m. we were to assume a standing
beat position, me at Market and Santa Clara and WJ at
First and Santa Clara. Our duties were to greet folks on
their way to work, help anyone who needed assistance
stepping up on the curb, and present a good image for
the Department. Around 7:30 to 7:45 AM a beat car would
arrive and take us to the station so we could formally
go off duty.
One morning while on this standing beat as I glanced
around to check out and admire my image in the Hart's
Department Store window I looked down to First Street
and saw a subject running full tilt towards me with WJ
in pursuit. As the subject neared me he ran out into the
traffic on Santa Clara Street traffic with me in pursuit
followed closely by Martin. Traffic screeched, dodged
and nearly hit us as we were at a full run North on
Market. The guy we were chasing was fast, but I was
slowly gaining as he turned onto St. James and headed
towards First Street and St. James Park. As he ran into
the Park I tackled him with a move that would have made
my high school football coach in Casper, Wyoming, proud.
The park's overnight guests as well as the 'social
group' that usually gathered around the restroom quickly
exited the park as WJ and I pummeled the subject. I was
pleased to be able to use my handcuffs for the first
time on someone other than my wife and kids. They worked
fine. As soon as I was able to catch my breath, I asked
WJ why we were chasing him. As WJ got his breath back he
explained that the scofflaw had given him the "finger.”
Instinctively assuming that giving a cop the “finger”
was some type of law violation, I suggested to WJ that
he hold the subject down with his foot while I went to
the call box on the corner and called for
Dispatch connected me to the Patrol Sergeant who
immediately began yelling at me because they were
searching for us. His demeanor immediately reduced some
of the joy and excitement I felt about the chase. When I
told him the arrestee had given the finger to WJ and
that we had him in custody I heard a gasp, followed by
some more yelling. The sergeant made it very clear that
WJ and i were to release our prisoner, dust him off and
send him on his way with an apology while we wait for
transportation to the station. The middle finger
scofflaw was quick to run off and disappear from sight.
To say that the sergeant went ballistic when we arrived
at the station is an understatement. He told us to read
the municipal code, penal code, and any other codes we
could find and make sure we never did something like
this again. As WJ and I changed clothes in the locker
room I told him I thought it ought to be against some
law to give a cop the finger. He agreed.
Later WJ and I often laughed about our Catch, Pummel,
and Release Caper. And to this day, I still feel that
giving a cop the finger should be a violation of the
law. I have mentioned this to legislators on occasion
but it has yet to gain any traction.
Good story from the former SJPD Capt. turned Chief
(Grand Junction, CO) turned Chief (Alexandria, VA)
turned Chief (Sandy City, UT), turned Chief (Greefield,
CA) turned Chief (West Sacramento, CA) turned Retiree.
But it seems that recalling a war story from yesteryear
gave him a case of the hungries. This pic of Gary
accompanied his Catch, Pummel and Release tale...
THE NEW VANGUARD IS ON-LINE AND AVAILABLE
HERE to download the March edition of the SJPOA
Vanguard to your desktop.
NEW BILLY & SPANNER IS ALSO ON-LINE
HERE to download the February newsletter to your
WALT TIBBET TO RETIRE AS CHIEF OF THE FAIRFIELD P.D.
Chief Tibbet asked me to forward you the invitation to
his retirement event for distribution to the San Jose
retiree group. If you have any questions, please let me
Gabriele M. Cohen, Police Support Supervisor
City of Fairfield Police Department
HERE for an associated news article about Walt’s
TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR THE ANNUAL KIWANIS CRAB FEED
MIKE AMARAL AND HIS BEACH BOYS TRIBUTE BAND ARE 10-8
ANNUAL MMOC CIOPPINO FEED REMINDER
It's that time again and we are closing in on another
great MMOC Cioppino Feed for our law enforcement family.
Our team has secured a great rate at the Holiday Inn for
only $79 + tax (it is normally priced much higher). If
there are those who don't care for Cioppino but wish to
support us, they can request Chicken and Pasta. We
promise a great time with lots of benefits.
Rich Bailey & Kimberley Wirht
MMOC Cioppino Coordinators
INTERESTED IN THIS?
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
An item received from Tea Party Supporter Bob Tenbrink
this past week led us to a website that claims a
Muslim-only city with a local Islamic government now has
its tentacles in U.S. soil. Could it be true? Given the
history of the Feds in matters of transparency (or lack
thereof) and the mainstream media’s reluctance to cover
something of this nature, we can see the possibility
that the information might be kept from the public.
Bottom line: Take what this article says with a grain of
salt if you choose to read it…
America’s First Islamic Government: A Muslim Only
City-State on American Soil
headline may be hard to believe. But it is correct.
America’s first Islamic government has been established,
sitting on American soil. Located in Hancock, NY, this
Islamic town is right there for anyone to…well, not
actually for anyone to see.
to access the Tea Party website and view the entire
For reference, clicking
HERE will take you to a Wikipedia link about
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
18 — March 3
In the Northeast it's just ice cold. Officials are
worried all the snow and freezing temperatures could
really put a strain on hospitals. Not now, but in nine
months when every woman in Boston is giving birth at the
The mayor of Boston actually had to issue a statement
yesterday telling residents to stop jumping from their
second-story windows and rooftops into giant piles of
snow. Do not do that at home unless you have a camera
Chris Christie addressed recent stories about his change
in personality and said, “There's only one Chris
Christie.” He said the only time there are two Chris
Christies is when he's buying seats on a plane.
There's a 37-year-old woman from Utah who's trying to
break the Guinness world record for most bridal bouquet
catches after she just caught her 46th bouquet. That's
in addition to that other record she holds — most Ben &
Jerry's eaten on Valentine's Day.
Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough
time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men
instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of
the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught
us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White
During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed
that a member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract
less attention from authorities. It would have worked
better if he had remembered to shave his beard.
A new Dr. Seuss book is coming out in July. It has been
over 20 years since he passed away. I'm not saying it's
a bit spooky, but the book is called "The Ghost Who
Wrote the Most."
Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested and charged with
burglary after breaking into a house in Florida. That's
right. Someone had his stuff stolen by Vanilla Ice. And
then Queen and David Bowie said, "Been there."
Sunday is the 87th annual Academy Awards. It's the time
of year when all the biggest movie stars get together
and try to piece together what happened after they
blacked out at the Golden Globes.
I heard that this year’s Oscar nominee gift bags are
each worth over $167,000 and include items like free
luxury car rentals and a stay at a five-star hotel in
Tuscany. As opposed to the Emmys, where we get an AOL CD
and two loose Twizzlers.
President Obama is giving fourth graders and their
families free admission to parks for a year. You can
tell kids don't get outside enough, because the last
time they saw a sunset they said, “Hey, there’s that
thing I saw on Instagram.”
This week Wal-Mart announced that it will increase its
employees' hourly wages by 40 percent. Workers are
pretty excited because they'll finally make enough money
to shop at Target.
I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon. I would say we've got a
great show tonight, but instead I put all my predictions
in a briefcase that we'll open at the end of the show.
At the Academy Awards last night, “Birdman” won for best
picture even though many expected “Boyhood” to win. I
guess voters felt like if they wanted to see people age
12 years, they could just watch last night's Oscars.
Last night was the 87th annual Academy Awards. All the
big designers were on display. Emma Stone's dress was
designed by Elie Saab, Scarlett Johansson was done by
Versace, and John Travolta was designed by Madame
A theater in Colorado accidentally played “Fifty Shades
of Grey” instead of “The SpongeBob Movie” to a theater
filled with children. Which explains its new name:
The White House announced that many Obamacare customers
got the wrong tax information and may have to refile
their taxes this year. It's pretty inconvenient — mainly
just remembering what you lied about the first time you
filed your taxes.
New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open
to letting transgender people serve in the military. He
said there’s no reason to prevent people from being
generals just because of their privates.
Admission to Disney World now costs $105. Disney said
that after giving it much thought and looking at the
economics of it all, parents won't have a choice anyway.
There’s only one Disney World.
The country continues to deal with brutal weather. A
group of teenagers in Colorado surprised their neighbors
by shoveling 50 driveways and walkways for free. They
didn't mean to. They were just too stoned to remember
which house was theirs.
President Obama vetoed the Keystone pipeline yesterday.
Everyone expected him to do that, but Republicans say he
vetoed the bill only because their party was in favor of
it, while Obama said, “That’s what you guys have been
doing for how many years?"
Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald got in some
hot water this week for saying that he served in the
military's Special Forces when he never did. It gets
even worse when you find out the place he actually
served was Old Navy.
Waffle House is partnering with a mail delivery service
app so customers can pick up their packages at the
restaurant. So if you're someone who is interested in
getting packages delivered to a nearby Waffle House,
congrats on being the sketchiest person on earth.
A new study found that smoking weed is 114 times less
harmful for people than drinking alcohol. And if you
want to learn more, you can ask people waiting for their
deliveries at Waffle House.
As of midnight last night, marijuana is officially legal
in our nation’s capital. Or as President Obama put it,
“Clear some space, Michelle. Barry's getting his OWN
Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a
crowd to “unlock their full potential,” because that
line is commonly used by another possible candidate,
Carly Fiorina. People said, “You can’t just steal
someone’s slogan like that!” And Hillary said, “Yes we
Lady Gaga will become a series regular in the FX series
“American Horror Story.” The new season is going to be
called "American Horror Story: Hotel.” Or as most people
call that, staying at a Red Roof Inn.
There's this picture of a dress that someone took, and
people online are fighting over what color it is. Some
people say it's black and blue. Some say it's white and
gold. I think someone should ask Obama, our country's
first gold president.
After the FCC issued the net neutrality rules yesterday,
President Obama posted a thank you letter online
addressed to the millions of people who helped support
the change. He finished with a heartfelt plea, "Could
someone please tell me what net neutrality is?"
In New Jersey, Chris Christie joked that he gave up The
New York Times for lent. But then his priest told him he
had to give up something he'd actually miss.
KFC has teamed up with scientists in the U.K. to create
edible coffee cups made with cookies and wrapped in
sugar. It's perfect if you've ever wanted to wake up and
give up at the same time.
This weekend the Conservative Political Action
Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including
Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from “Duck Dynasty.” It
was a good weekend for conservatives — and a great
weekend for wild animals.
During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it
was time for a new president and that people need to
help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with
him, since that’s how term limits work.
RNC chairman Reince Priebus criticized Joe Biden, saying
that he can't control his mouth. That's kind of like
someone trying to say the name "Reince Priebus," which
sounds like a drunk person trying to say "rented Prius."
Kanye West revealed on Twitter that his upcoming album
will be named “So Help Me God.” Or as Kanye calls it,
Another scandal for Hillary Clinton — they’re saying she
used a private email address when she was secretary of
state, which means the government couldn’t archive and
preserve her emails. Then Obama said, “Don’t worry, we
saw them. We see everyone’s emails.”
Hillary Clinton used a private email account to conduct
official state business. Experts say that if this
violates any federal rules, then she . . . will still be
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a speech
to Congress. It aired in Israel with a five-minute
delay. Israelis had to wait five minutes to hear what
their president was saying, or as Americans call that,
watching Obama live. "Every speech … I make … takes …
CBS has extended Judge Judy's contract through the year
2020. It's good to hear she'll have a job because when
you're unemployed, the only thing to do is watch "Judge
President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret
Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited
that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.
The restaurant chain Salad Works has filed for Chapter
11 bankruptcy. Analysts attribute the failure to it
being a salad restaurant located in America.
The USDA has approved the first genetically modified
apples that don't turn brown after being sliced open.
The no-browning apples are being called groundbreaking,
revolutionary, and slightly racist.
The 1990s' rapper Vanilla Ice has been arrested on
burglary charges. Ice's lawyers say they can prove their
client's innocence, but not his relevance.
Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush
mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran
and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George
W. said, "He sure sounds presidentiary to me."
The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris
said he hopes the broadcast will include a "Kanye
moment." Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be
possible because that would require a black person to be
at the Oscars.
Starbucks has launched a home delivery service. It's
perfect for anyone too lazy to walk one block in any
Little Caesars has introduced a giant, deep-dish pizza
with a crust wrapped in three feet of bacon. Two hours
ago Pizza Hut surrendered.
This will be a four-hour show, ladies and gentlemen.
We're following the Oscar pattern.
During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette
called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and
said, "She's right, I can't live like this. I can't take
another second of this living hell."
"Interstellar" won the Oscar for best visual effects.
They made it look like Matthew McConaughey understood
During his acceptance speech, the winner for best
supporting actor, J.K. Simmons, told everyone to call
their parents. I tried to call my parents but they were
at the movies watching "50 Shades of Grey."
Nicolas Cage is going to be starring in a film based on
Edward Snowden. Cage said he's perfect for the role
because he knows what it's like to go into hiding after
doing something people don't like.
The new James Bond movie in production features the
oldest ever Bond girl. Which explains why he spent a lot
of the movie repeating, "I SAID BOND. JAMES BOND!"
Jay-Z and Beyoncé are renting a house in Los Angeles for
$150,000 per month. The house was renting for $2,000 a
month until the landlord got a rental application from
Jay-Z and Beyoncé.
Some people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war
experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious
because O'Reilly said he was injured in the East
Coast/West Coast rap wars.
Disneyland just raised its ticket prices to $99 a day
for kids over 10. However, kids with measles still get
A new study suggests dishwashers may increase a child's
risk of developing allergies. So the message is clear:
Stop washing your kids in the dishwasher!
A new study claims muscular men make the worst
boyfriends. Come to think of it, I was kind of a jerk
back in the day.
Yesterday Justin Bieber turned 21 years old. Justin
started celebrating on Saturday — five years ago.
Over the weekend a fire broke out at Disneyland.
Witnesses say the fire spread like measles at
UFC champ Ronda Rousey beat her opponent in 14 seconds.
A former NFL player said if he had eight weeks to train
he could beat Rousey in a fight. When they heard that,
the NFL said, "Uh, not helping."
Leonard Nimoy passed away. Sad news. To honor Nimoy,
Canadians have been sketching Spock's eyebrows, hair,
and ears. As a result, Canadians will now be called
Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear.
Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for
immigrants. He said, "I believe in an America where hard
work and dedication can lead to any job that your
brother and dad once had."
China soon will begin casting for its own version of
"Saturday Night Live." And apparently it is so much like
"SNL" that it too won't have any Asian performers.
It was reported today that Edward Snowden may return to
the United States. He is going to carpool with Julian
Assange and Roman Polanski.
Two California teachers are charged with having sex with
students and giving them cocaine. On the plus side, the
students involved had perfect attendance.
Maybe some of you folks were here for the dog show. We
have a brand new champion. And as usual, the dog from
They had a lot of exotic dogs at the dog show, like for
example the English Cumberbatch.
One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water
Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they
only see each other at funerals and weddings.
Baseball is around the corner and the Yankees have their
hands full with Alex Rodriguez. He was suspended for all
of last year from baseball, and the Yankees paid him $3
million. By God, that will teach him.
Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential
campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war
in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot
tub time machine.
It's going to be different this year for the New York
Yankees. Derek Jeter has retired. He wanted to spend
more time with his money.
It's the beginning of Lent, the time when you give up
things that are important to you. The New York Knicks
have just given up.
Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says,
"I didn't expect this," Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a
It's Fashion Week in New York City and the cold was
playing havoc earlier today. It got so cold that a
supermodel actually snapped in half.
Alex Rodriguez will be back with the New York Yankees
after being suspended for a season. He wrote the fans of
the Yankees an apology. We're still waiting on one from
The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner
Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like
being put on hold?
Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair
sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your
country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told
him he looks weird.
The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted
by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and
Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.
Thank you very much for being here. We're going to zip
right through the show. We'll get you out of here in
time for the rest of the Academy Awards.
The Academy Awards is an annual event that swallows all
time and matter.
I thought Meryl Streep did a great job as Neil Patrick
"50 Shades of Grey" has already made $400 million. But
to be honest, that money's tied up.
It's cold in New York City. It's so cold that Oscar host
Neil Patrick Harris is wearing long underpants.
For the fifth year in a row the Academy Award for best
animated short went to Tom Cruise.
Alex Rodriguez reported to spring training with the
Yankees two days early. He's ready to play ball. Here's
his schedule — tomorrow a urine test. Next day, he's
suspended for a year.
Alex Rodriguez showed up two days early. There was
nothing to do so his lawyers took batting practice.
It's so cold in New York City today, the No. 1 movie is
"50 Shades of Grey Flannel."
Guess who's turning 21 today? Justin Bieber. He's
turning 21, so now he can finally drink.
If you're thinking of getting something for Justin
Bieber's birthday, you can't go wrong with bail money.
Pitcher CC Sabathia is in the Yankees spring training
camp at 305 pounds. He says he feels better at 305 than
he does at 290. Yeah, try that one on your doctor.
It's a big day for Catholics today. It's Ash Wednesday.
Thank you for not giving me up for Lent.
Little Caesars is about to deliver a bacon-wrapped deep
dish pizza. It's a pizza with three and a half feet of
bacon wrapped around it. I think we've reached a point
as Americans where normal pizza has become too healthy
Regular pizza is now salad compared to pizza wrapped in
bacon. We had to up the ante.
We will not stop until we've created a pizza that leaps
out of the box and pulls our hearts directly out of our
As an advance warning, if I pass out tonight it's
because I'm starving myself to fit into my Oscar gown on
Sunday night on ABC is the 87th annual Academy Awards.
It is by far the most glamorous parking nightmare of the
year here in Hollywood.
Gallup, the polling company, released its annual
well-being index where they rank the health and
happiness of residents of each of the 50 states. Alaska
finished first and Hawaii was No. 2. It's interesting
that the top two happiest states are the ones that are
farthest away from the rest of us.
Right now in Long Beach, the U.S. Coffee Championships
are going on. You will never see a more excited group of
fans than at the U.S. Coffee Championships. I don't know
where they get their energy.
All I could think of all day yesterday while watching
all of the Oscar-related shows was how much I miss
I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from
"Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.
There really weren't any Oscar surprises last night. The
only real surprise of the night was Lady Gaga wore a
regular dress. They should have had Julie Andrews come
out covered in lunch meat or something.
The Oscar telecast went smoothly. It helped that Bradley
Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle in case any of
the speeches went on too long.
Alaska today officially legalized marijuana for
recreational use. I think they did this years ago.
That's how the Palin kids ended up with those names,
Alaska does have some special rules. You're not allowed
to smoke marijuana in public, and you have to follow
special disposal rules. You can't just throw a joint in
the trash. The last thing you want is a grizzly with the
We have a brand new crop of dancing stars. Rumer Willis
is one of the stars this season. You may know her from
such work as her father being Bruce Willis.
"Dancing With the Stars" will be announcing one more
surprise contestant before the season starts. I happen
to know who it is. It's actually Pope Francis. He's
really loosening things up at the Vatican.
According to a new poll, the value of baby teeth is
skyrocketing, up 25 percent from last year. In the U.S.,
the tooth fairy left a total of $255 million last year.
The Vikings believed that children's teeth had magic
powers that would help them fight in battles. This
explains why there are no more Vikings.
When you think about it, the tooth fairy is definitely
the creepiest lie we tell our kids, right?
On May 2, Las Vegas will host the fight of the decade,
Floyd Mayweather versus Manny Pacquiao. It's a long time
coming. Tickets are expected to start at $1,000 for the
worst seat. It's estimated a child would have to lose
around 230 baby teeth to afford a ticket to this fight.
I'm glad to see Manny and Floyd are finally putting
aside their differences to fight.
Donald Trump says that he is more serious than ever
about running for president in 2016. He hasn't spelled
out his platform yet. But he has spell the out the word
"Trump" on his platform.
I'd vote for Donald Trump just to find out how he and
Melania would redecorate the White House.
Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21,
which means he can be tried as an adult.
Justin Bieber celebrated the milestone on an island in
the Caribbean. Big party — all of his closest
freeloaders were there.
Forbes released its annual list of billionaires. Once
again the richest person on the planet, with $79.2
billion, is Bill Gates. To put that into perspective,
that's enough money to never have to drink tap water at
a restaurant ever again.
Taco Bell is testing a new dessert item called Cap'n
Crunch Delights. They are warm doughnut holes filled
with sugary cream and rolled in Cap'n Crunch. They
really know how to capture the flavors of old Mexico.
Taco Bell is essentially what you get if you gave a
stoner a research and development team. Cap'n Crunch
Delights is what happens when people start thinking
outside the bun.
Leonard Nimoy passed away last week. In Canada, where
he's not even from, they're paying him an unusual
tribute called "Spocking." They draw Spock ears, hair,
and eyebrows on the guy on their $5 bills. Spocking is
not illegal in Canada, although it could incur the wrath
I can think of no better way to honor the life and
legacy of Leonard Nimoy than by defacing Canadian
currency. It's perfectly logical.
Rapper Vanilla Ice told reporters that his arrest this
week for burglarizing an abandoned house is all a
misunderstanding. Apparently he misunderstood how long
his "Ice Ice Baby" money would last.
Photoshop is turning 25 this week. Well actually, it’s
turning 38 but it looks 25.
Yesterday Marvel Comics released its first-ever comic
series featuring a female Asian-American superhero,
named "Silk." Said Silk's parents, "You could have been
TLC is reportedly working on a spinoff of "Here Comes
Honey Boo Boo." They're calling it "You People Will
How many of you watched the Oscars last night? And how
many of you are still watching it?
I don't want to say the Oscars ran long, but the best
picture Oscar was awarded on "Good Morning America."
The ratings for last night's Academy Awards hit a
six-year low. So few people saw the Oscars that it's
been nominated for an Oscar.
A woman in Mexico was arrested at a movie theater this
weekend during "Fifty Shades of Grey." She was sad about
being arrested, but really psyched about being
New research shows marijuana is by far the least
dangerous recreational drug. Studies have shown again
and again that it leads to virtually no recreation.
That's how safe it is.
A new CBS News poll shows Chris Christie is ranked ninth
out of all Republican presidential candidates. He's just
behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a
Boston's city council is considering increasing its
alcohol tax. The plan would raise an estimated $900
million billion trillion.
John Boehner said yesterday that President Obama's veto
of the Keystone XL pipeline was a "national
embarrassment." And then, out of habit, Joe Biden said,
A study has found that the most popular type of business
in New Jersey is golf equipment stores. Though most
customers come in and say, "I need a blunt object and a
bag about as big as a guy."
Jamaica has officially decriminalized the possession of
small amounts of marijuana for personal use. Which would
be great news if anyone in Jamaica had small amounts of
A student at Philadelphia University has created a
Batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes, and
baseball bats. In fact, the only thing it can’t
withstand is his father’s disappointment.
President Obama's former press secretary, Jay Carney,
will reportedly become a senior vice president at
Amazon. Carney says he's excited to work for someone who
doesn't take six years to deliver.
The Kardashian family has signed a deal keeping them on
the air for four more years and paying them $100
million. So let that be a lesson. If you really work
hard and apply yourself, you are wasting your time.
Police in Florida are searching for someone who stole
360,000 nickels during a house party. Police believe the
suspect is almost to the end of the street.
The third season of House of Cards premiered on Netflix
this weekend. There was corruption, deceit, and
betrayal, and that was just me cancelling plans so I
could watch it.
The latest ranking of the world's richest billionaires
came out this morning. Bill Gates came in first with
$79.2 billion. I feel bad for him. Can you imagine
having that much money and you still don't have an
Taco Bell is testing a new product called “Cap’n Crunch
Delights,” which are balls of sweet dough, covered in
crushed Cap’n Crunch cereal, and filled with a “milk
icing” — you know, Mexican food.
Today during his speech in Washington, Israeli Prime
Minister Benjamin Netanyahu repeatedly referred to
Congress as "my friends." It was a move that had many in
Congress Googling the word “friend.”
Nancy Pelosi said she was "near tears" during the prime
minister's speech to Congress because it insulted
America's intelligence. So please, nobody tell Nancy
Pelosi about "The Bachelor."
Archaeologists in Nazareth believe they may have found
the house that Jesus grew up in. And in the backyard
they found the pool where he learned to walk.
It's being reported that the Apple Watch will be able to
check people in and out of hotel rooms. And give Apple a
history of everywhere I stay? — not on my watch.
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE AS OF JAN. 24, 2015
Does the BATF plan to ban "green tip" ammunition due
to an executive order issued by President Obama?
most current (Feb.28th) update that includes the issue
over the ammunition above, click
• • • • •
If ever there was a panoramic photo competition entry
that should qualify as a must-see, it would be this one
received from Bert Kelsey. To paraphrase a certain House
Minority Leader, you have to see it to understand what
was in it. Trust us, with a perfect musical soundtrack,
THIS is well worth a look and listen. (7:07)
• • • • •
If we are to believe the details in the handful of
emails we received that included
THIS rare footage of The King singing “Unchained
Memory,” it took place at a concert in Rapid City, SD on
June 21, 1977, two weeks before the song was officially
released, and five days prior to Elvis' very last
performance. He died seven weeks later on Aug. 16th from
a heart attack at the age of 42. Of this performance,
Rolling Stone Magazine said, “His body was falling
apart, but his voice remained almost as powerful as
ever. Without any doubt, it was the last great moment of
his career." (4:33)
• • • • •
Ladies and gentlemen, the Farsider is happy to present
for the third time over the past seven years “The Man
Song,” sung by a
MAN who represents the vast majority of married men
• • • • •
She believes she can fly. (To appreciate the humor in
THIS clip you will probably have to play it a few
times, but that’s not a big deal since it is only 4
• • • • •
When you consider everything from the largest aircraft
carriers (10) to the smallest military satellites (134)
to nuclear weapons (5,100) and everything in between,
it's difficult to imagine how large our military is.
Whether you agree with the philosophy or not,
THIS video explains why some call the United States
“The World’s Police.” (8:08)
P.S. Pay no attention to all the profanity and
negative comments by the Russians, Muslims and other
anti-Americans who watched this video and left nasty
ramblings in the comments section below the video.
• • • • •
This is another example of how some realtors on the
other side of The Pond are showing homes to prospective
buyers. (We published the first example a few months
ago.) So will we ever see
THIS selling technique here in the U.S.? Our guess:
Not as long as there is so much as one personal injury
lawyer still alive. (1:30)
• • • • •
Take a minute — 1:16 to be exact — and watch
THIS dramatic film received from Sharon Lansdowne.
We guarantee you won’t regret it.
• • • • •
For the kid who wants to practice, there’s lots of magic
to be found in the digital age, so says Paul Salerno.
• • • • •
This clip of one of Ireland’s Dumbest Criminals made Bob
WATCH as the idiot throws a brick at the passenger’s
side window in an attempt to break into a Mercedes only
to have the car throw the brick back at him and knock
him out cold. (0:59)
• • • • •
Tom Macris has lacked a serious interest in politics
because he has never been able to find what he considers
POLITICIAN until he was introduced to Gil Fulbright,
or Bill Gulbright, or Phil Brilbright, or whatever the
SOB calls himself this week. (1:17)
• • • • •
OK, Smarty Pants, here are two opportunities for you to
shine. This first quiz asks if you are Smarter or
'Stoopider' than the average person? Take the short I.Q.
test and see if you can beat this score…
there are two things to keep in mind: 1) You only have 8
seconds to choose the right answer, as shown by a clock
on the right side of the question. 2) Re-taking the test
mixes up the questions, so you can’t gain anything
HERE if you are ready to begin.
• • • •
do you know about the news?
This updated World News I.Q. Test from the Pew Research
Center shows results in a number of ways. For one thing,
it is astonishing that so many people who have taken the
test got less than half the questions correct. If you
get less than half correct, you are respectfully
requested to cancel your voter registration.
Unlike the Smart or Stoopid quiz above, this test has no
time limit, but that doesn’t mean you can use a smart
phone and Google to look up the correct answer.
For the record, Doug Bergtholdt missed only one question
while yours truly missed two. Give it a shot and see if
you can ace it by clicking
• • • • •
It’s not just guys who can perform insane stunts on a
motorcycle, check out
THIS young lady named Sarah Lezito. (3:31)
• • • • •
stunt women, the blonde behind the wheel in
THIS clip is a stunt driver, but her blind date in
the passenger seat doesn’t know that. Watch him (and
others) get pranked in what we suspect is Ford’s answer
to last year’s Jeff Gordon prank commercials. (6:23)
• • • • •
Are these two women about to become millionaires for
“Invisible Bicycle Helmet?” — or as we would call
it, an airbag for the head. It certainly looks like it
has a lot of promise. Have a look. (3:46)
• • • • •
Here are snippets of the 2014 Cameron Airshow courtesy
of Don Hale. And before you ask, the answer is
YES. Many of these pilots are in fact crazy. (4:28)
• • • • •
After nearly 50 years of marriage, Ted was lying in bed
one evening when his wife felt Ted begin to massage her
in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,
and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked
his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner
arm, working down her side, passing gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the
uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she
asked in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why
did you stop?”
He replied, “I found the remote.”
• • • • •
Behold the Great Dorset Steam Fair World War 1
Commemorative Convoy from Covington Camp to Tarrant
Hinton in the UK that took place last Aug. Bill Vincent
sent the clip to Jim Silvers who forwarded it to us.
Keep your eye on the driver in the lead tractor and
WATCH how much effort he puts into turning the
• • • • •
We’ve seen a complete tear-down and rebuild of a Jeep
before, but never inside of four minutes. As near as we
THIS demonstration took place at a U.S. Army base in
• • • • •
Have the need to rid yourself of some stress? Bob
Tenbrink suggests that you watch a few minutes of
THIS Red Giant enjoying lunch. We have no idea what
powers this bad boy, but it’s a good bet that it isn’t
four AA batteries. Watch how it handles engine blocks at
the end. (6:14)
• • • •
Take a good look at the
PUPPY on the right. In about 30 seconds you won’t
recognize it. (1:19)
• • • • •
Dozens of countries can boast about their (fill in the
blank)’s Got Talent shows.
THIS also is true of Thailand, but in their case,
it’s all about elephants. Check out this clip from Chuck
Blackmore and you may suspect that in some cases these
are actually very big men in elephant costumes. (5:12)
• • • • •
While those elephants were immensely well trained, they
can’t hold a candle to the dolphins in this show that
also was received from Chuck. Some of you may feel that
it should be a crime to capture and train them for the
purpose of public entertainment. Others may reason that
THESE intelligent mammals live a safe, comfortable,
healthy life and that they appear to enjoy doing what
they do. Who’s right? You be the judge. (4:24)
• • • • •
This snowball fight between a half-dozen Franciscan
MONKS in Jerusalem certainly changes our
stereotypical view of the holy men, but not so much that
we would entertain the thought of joining their
• • • • •
RFID chips in pets and credit cards is so passé. Check
THIS short clip as it will show you what the future
• • • • •
Have an iPad? Want to see how it’s made? Not to worry;
it’s not as bad as
WATCHING workers in a sausage factory. (2:39)
• • • • •
Speaking of iPads, we’ll
WAGER that yours (if you have one, of course) can’t
do what you are about to see. I know that mine can't,
and by Ellen’s reaction, hers can't either. (4:30)
• • • • •
THIS final episode of the original Star Trek series
that never made it to air ended with the destruction of
the Starship Enterprise in an episode titled “Star Trek
Meets Miley Cyrus.” (1:30)
• • • • •
I didn’t really have a reason to buy a drone until I
THIS video and realized it might be the perfect
answer for an irritating neighbor who lives across the
street. Besides, I can’t afford an F-16 or an F-18.
• • • • •
Never had much of an interest in surfing. Tried it twice
and damn near drowned each time. After watching THIS
video, I wouldn’t want to be caught within 10 miles of
THIS size. They make the Mavericks over on the coast
look like ripples on a pond. (2:12)
• • • • •
Speaking of the ocean, the Dept. of Labor suspected a
fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his
deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay
them," said the DOL agent.
Replied the boat owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my
deckhand, he's been with me for three years. I pay him
$1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the
mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every
day and does about 90 percent of the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and
board, and I buy him a bottle of fine Barbados Rum and a
dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope
with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife
"That's the guy I want to talk to," said the DOL agent.
"That would be me," said the boat owner. "What would you
like to know?"
• • • • •
Former San Jose cop-turned Secret Service agent-turned
retiree Ken Banner says you are a fuddy-duddy if you
don’t tap your feet and bob your head to
THIS masterpiece by the Boogie Woogie Twins. We
couldn’t agree more. Talk about fast and furious
• • • • •
If you like rhythmic dancing, you should take a few
minutes and watch the precise moves of
THIS Irish dancing troupe that was part of a "Got To
Dance" talent competition. Some of the dancers are
reported to be former members of the Riverdance group
that was world famous a few short years ago. (1:43)
• • • • •
As a huge fan of the old MGM musicals of the ‘40s and
‘50s, this clip from Alice Murphy reminded me that
GENE KELLY was arguably the most athletic singer and
dancer of all time, even more so than the likes of Fred
Astair and Donald O’Connor. “It’s Always Fair Weather”
(1955) wasn’t one of MGM’s more popular musicals, but it
gave Kelly the opportunity to show off his penchant for
doing what he does best, even clad in roller skates.
• • • • •
Coming up with something political that is
light-hearted and fun is nearly impossible these days,
so we delved into the Farsider Archives and took a look
around. Turns out we struck gold in the form of this
final item from the Jan. 19, 2013 Farsider…
In closing, it was the public's loss in our opinion to
have never seen President Reagan and his wife Nancy (God
bless 'em both) laugh as hard as they did at
THIS Michael Davis performance at Ford's Theater —
or Tip O'Neill and the rest of the political entourage
for that matter. This excerpt from the show is one to be
savored because it takes us back to an era when the mood
of the country was far more upbeat and friendly than it
is today. (9 Mins.)
• • • •
Pic of the Week:
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Abram, Fred & Connie
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Long (Huntwork), Eunice
Muldrow, Mark "Mo"
O'Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Richter, Darrell & Annette
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve